To argue with friend

[citygirl1961]

I would just like some advice before I say something to a good friend of mine. I feel I need to do but its how to say it.

She tends to avoid going into the city centre at weekends, especially close to Christmas as she says its too manic for her.

She messaged me yesterday to say she's meeting another friend, whom she doesn't see much, in town this Sunday. I replied to say its unusual for her and put a smiley face so as not to make it look like a critical remark. She came back with the comment that this friend works full time as is mega busy during the week so she doesn't mind as its a one off. My friend doesn't work now by the way.

The reason I am annoyed by this is that I met her in the city centre one day last summer on a Sunday when it wasn't too busy and she tried to steer me somewhere else. When I told her that I had been busy all week at work (I too work full time in a satisfying but demanding job) and preferred to stay in town she shrugged this off, was critical and told me I 'only sit down' at work and shouldn't be tired. I told her I didn't agree with this and didn't just take it.

I don't know how to respond to her now. I have let her see that I have noticed that she's being hyproctical so should I just leave it and wait till next time she refuses to be in town with me or do I remind her of the incident in the summer?

I don't want to argue with her but I won't be a punch bag either. She also made a sarcastic comment about going out for meals being my favourite pastime. This is something else she always comments on as she prefers to stay at home and cook, whereas I don't.

I think you're a bit full on tbh. She doesn't have to be 'fair' - she can change her mind according to the circumstances any time she likes. It doesn't have to be with your approval.
You're whinging about a meet up you had with her ages ago and expecting her to never go into town again because it isn't fair?
She's not obligated to you.
Pull yourself together.

To add, don't say anything to your friend. You will seem a bit scary. If a friend of mine approached me to complain about this, I would be very taken aback and feel cornered. Not good.

she's respecting the other friends job/time and yours is just "no big thing "

How are you being a punch bag?

Anxiety disorders can manifest like your friend. You can have good periods and bad periods of time with it. She sounds anxious. Not everyone share their mental health struggles. I would assume she has an anxiety disorder and say nothing.

I've read them all word for word.

And I stand by what I said.

Also, so what if she thinks you have an easy job? That's easy enough to set straight and then move on.

I honestly don’t see the point of doing all that. Essentially, she’s willing to do stuff with other people that she’s not willing to do with you. This is her right.

You can be upset about it, but it’s not going to change the fact that she doesn’t think you/your job merit the accommodations she’s making for her other friend. Complaining also won’t change this. It’ll just make things awkward.

So, you can either accept the friendship terms she’s offering or you end the friendship. Those are your options.

I have anxiety too, my friend knows this.

mmm this feels uncomfortable to me. Basically you’re pressurising her into doing something uncomfortable for her and justifying that she does it for someone else?
But it sounds like after the convo you both had last summer, she did stay in town with you right?
As a friend, don’t you want to just find somewhere that suits you both, rather than being uncomfortable for her?
Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable telling the other friend her limits, maybe there is a reason she’s meeting her urgently and there or maybe she has more capacity at the moment
none of it means she doesn’t appreciate how hard you work. The comment about sitting down all day may have been made in awkwardness. It sounds thoughtless response/excuse but not malicious.

make it clear that I have clocked the fact that she's not regarding my job as important

You are making far too big a deal of this. You don't need to school her or give her adjusting feedback about how to be a friend. As the poster above said, see what she's willing to do for you as a friend and accept that if you would like to, or just distance yourself. Who knows why she's meeting the other dude. She could be having a secret affair with him. Whatever.

The real issue seems to be that she is making little snarky jibes about things, I would wait for the next one of those and bring that up at the time.

Agree with this

I think you’ve posted about this friend before, is she a widow?

No she didn't stay in town with me last summer. I gave into her and went somewhere else and she diidn't hestiate to tell me I was being 'mardy' which is a Yorkshire term for being sulky.

Her other relationships and friendships have nothing at all to do with you or yours.

Perhaps she feels more steamrolled by the other friend, maybe other friend doesn't drive so it needs to be public transport accessible, who knows and who cares - it's nothing to do with you.

If you don't like seeing her or can't have conversations about where to meet without finding something you are happy with then let the friendship go. If you'd be happy to stick with the old dynamic, had you not seen this post, then step away from social media - it's not making you happy.

Punchbag? This is all very OTT. Also a smiley face makes your message to her way more pointed and passive aggressive. Too much drama for me - if I were the friend I'd be out.

You sound like hard work. Youve also left loads of detail out - is this other friend eg from ages away so city centre much easier for her? Is the other friend much closer or she hasn't seen her in ages? How do you know your friend isn't inwardly annoyed at meeting in town?

Your friend may have social anxiety. Sometimes you feel a bit braver about situations and are more likely to try something different.

She sounds like her anxiety’s a bit more flexible when it suits her… Next time she wants to meet up, only be available when and where it suits you. See how flexible she is.

I wouldn’t like a ‘friend’ like you. This is very immature behaviour, you’re like a playground infant. People can be inconsistent. That’s ok. Nothing is the same in time and place over any period. Perhaps her other friend has a busier role than yours and she values that more than your role. That’s ok too. If you’re not getting anything out the friendship, no laughs/shared fun times. Then leave it. But don’t compare your friendship with her with that of another. There are differences in friendships and that’s ok, we can be friends with everyone and do things differently.

Oh God she’s one of those! My mum is like this, thinks that my brother’s very part time manual job is massively harder than my full time office job and so she treats him like a prince and me like her dogsbody.

I think you just need to be firmer with friend.

Take it in turns in choosing where you meet. When it’s your turn, say you can only meet in town. If she objects, say let’s take a rain check. Don’t give in like you did last time.

When you say she prefers home meals, who does she expect to do the cooking?

I suspect that the other friend is even more "my way or the highway" than your friend who capitulates to her. This is quite a common dynamic where the more people pleasing friend gives in to the bossier friend. In your dynamic she is the bossy one. In the other dynamic the other friend is the bossy one.

I think what is niggling is that perhaps she values the other friend more than you and won't risk the friendship by pushing her preferences. There may be some truth in that; some people have higher social currency than others as I've discovered :(

Very good points.

Perhaps her other friend has a busier role than yours and she values that more than your role. That’s ok too.

No, it’s really not ok for a friend to discriminate against one friend because she believes her job is less valuable.

How could even think that would be ok?

Like I said, if you want to keep the friendship, you need to get over it.

If it is bugging you, and you don't mind the possibility of loosing the friendship, ending or definitely changing, then send her a heartfelt message about how you feel. Not in a mean way, Just explain how what she's said and how she's acted has made you feel. That you love her friendship but need to feel you are as valuable to her as other friends of hers.

If this has been the final straw and you can't forgive then just phase her out.

OP, you’ve posted in pretty much exactly the same terms about this woman before (she’s the widow who doesn’t like going out in the dark, or going out after 4pm), so I don’t see why you expect new advice. You’ve also complained about other ‘flaky’ friends, and about some falling out over an air fryer and a misspent text message.

The common denominator here is you. You sound like a difficult person continually on the lookout for minor slights, and nursing resentment, and posting about it on the internet to stoke your anger rather than communicating with the actual people involved. .

Bluntly, so what if your friend didn’t do something in the summer with you that she is willing to do with another friend? Most people would barely give this a second thought, far less post about it more than once on the internet.