Family comparing my sister and I

[maysiea]

Hi all,
I'm 34, 3 kids who are 9, 7 and 4, married for 11 years and very happy, I live in a lovely rural village, in a house which perfectly suits my needs. Our life isn't flashy, our car is old, we go to Euro camp for our holidays and the one night a month we have without our kids is usually spent watching Chinese in front of the tv. We are happy though, our kids are happy and that's all that matters. We don't earn lots of money, I'm a teacher but I only work 3 days a week, DH is a police officer, with no intention to climb the ranks.
My sister is 24, she went to a top uni, is now working at a very good law firm having just finished her training contract. She probably makes more on her own at 24 than DH and I do combined. Her life looks like a lot of fun, her BF works for a company that one of the F1 teams are a client of so they get to go to the races often, they go to Wimbledon and Royal Ascot and all sorts. She is gorgeous beyond belief.

Now I'm so fed up of my family feeling the need to put me down, "oh don't you wish you'd waited for kids look what you missed out on" "oh look how skinny xxxx is, shouldn't you try lose some weight she's gorgeous" "xxxx has done so well for herself your mum would be proud" (my mum died when I was 13 and she was 3).
This never comes from my sister, we are both very happy with our own lives, no amount of money would convince me waking up at half 5 for Pilates is a good idea or working until half 6/7pm is any fun. I also know my sister occasionally uses cocaine and you won't catch her without a vape in her hand so I'd say her health perhaps isn't as good as she makes it look.

It really upsets when my dad and grandparents comment on how my mum would be so proud of her but no mention of me. I have 3 gorgeous children and of course sometimes I think ohhh should I have waited but I'm so glad I didn't.

I'm not upset about not living my sisters life, I couldn't deal with the toxic finance bros, sniffing lines in a club bathroom, 10/11 hour work days, 8 step skin care routine and 12 step hair care etc.
She isn't upset either, she wouldn't want the school run, arguing over eating peas, managing 30+ kids all day life.

AIBU to be so fed up of my family comparing us? How do I stop it? It's really getting me down!

Awful! They will cause a rift between you if they continue. You need to stand up for yourself when they say these things. Tell them you believe your mum would be proud of both of you, and that she wanted you to be happy—which you both are.

Oh my god op your life sounds amazing. You and your husband have the perfect relationship and home &both give so much back to society.

you mum of course would be exceptionally proud of you (and your sister)

Your life sounds brilliant. Also, one night a month without kids? HOW? I'm jealous haha! I'd say "I'm very happy with my life thanks" and leave it at that.

Your life sounds great but I am afraid the very negative description of what you imagine your sister's life as a trainee is like does sound like there is a bit of envy there.

And no your family shouldn't compare and your mum would definitely be proud of you both and the grandchildren too.

I think if you and your sister aren’t bothered and don’t compare then let it wash over you and try not to engage in it. Just say I’m actually really happy with my life thanks and leave it be.

If it helps my sister and I are total opposites and there are pros and cons to each of our set ups … but we don’t compare either and are happy living our very different ways.

Things can only upset you if you let them … your life sounds fab enjoy it!

I'd start pointing out they're really comparing themselves to your DSis. "DF, don't you mean, you wish you'd waited until you were older to have kids so you could have more of a life?" "DF, don't you mean you wish your health was better?"
Anyway, she's 24, she has a fab life now but when she's 30 or 40 it might be very different. Things turn on a sixpence and people your DF's age should know and appreciate that, especially if he lost your DM at a young age.

Seriously?? You are both doing vital amazing jobs that nurture our future adults and keep us safe your mum would burst with pride I can tell you right now

who are these people that comment on things like weight and are comparing you? Can you tell them to stfu as they are boring as fuck

Tell them that you're very happy with your life and that comparisons with your sister aren't welcome. If they continue to do it, get up and leave. You really don't need their approval if you're happy and secure.

Oh no, my sisters life is great too, but she does work long hours - she's happy with that and it's worth it to her but I wouldn't want that for me. Same with the partying etc. I'm not saying it's bad, just that it's not my cup of tea and my life definitely isn't hers!

Your sister’s cocaine habit will grow as much as her career.

I would be concerned for her not worried about what my family says.

Can you see less of them? I can absolutely see why this is affecting you negatively.

I’ve been a trainee lawyer. I’d rather have your life!

I would say 'yes, she'd be proud of <sister> and I think she'd be proud of me as well, don't you?' Present it so they have to agree. If they do the 'oh yes, but your sister's done so well' I'd firmly say 'I don't think that would make a difference to Mum. We have different lives but both have good lives'. Do this every time and the penny might drop.

'I'm sure they'd be proud of us both, for different things'
On repeat

Honestly I would let it wash over you. My mother who is estranged from me. (due to other issues not this) Looked down on me big time as I was a mother to kids and my sister a model. she would always say something if I called her out on it she would just do it behind my back. Sad really

If you do genuinely feel happy for your life, and equally happy for your sister to live her own, then you do need to nip this in the bud, as you don’t want it to inadvertently come between you over the years.

Answer back with relentless positivity and bat the comments back. As examples from the things you use:

“oh don't you wish you'd waited for kids look what you missed out on" Not at all DF/Aunt Sue! I love my kids and can’t wait to experience everything as a family. But that’s an interesting question…..do YOU feel that way? I can understand, DSis has a great life, but don’t be regretful of your life - get out there and live now! You can still do those things now!

"oh look how skinny xxxx is, shouldn't you try lose some weight she's gorgeous" Yes DSis IS gorgeous Aunt Jane. She is such a lovely young woman. Now what’s this about my weight? You are far to classy to comment on someone’s weight to them, aren’t you?

"xxxx has done so well for herself your mum would be proud" (my mum died when I was 13 and she was 3). Absolutely. I know Mum would be proud of her, I am myself. I often think of her looking down on me and my family and smiling too. It’s a lovely thought.

Your mum really would be very proud of you, OP. Any parent would be exceedingly proud, happy and fulfilled to have raised a child who now thrives in the life that is right for them. I'M jealous of your life 😂

Make the person feel uncomfortable. I bet you wish you waited to have kids like your sister- reply with ‘ is there something wrong with my kids?’

Your kids are literally carrying on your Mum’s genetics. Of course, your sister may well have kids in the future that do the same.

How about:

“Your Mum would have been so proud of your sister.”

”Yes, we’ll, I’m proud that Jonny has Mum’s eyes.”

”I think she would have loved her grandkids.”

And if it doesn’t stop:

”I need you to stop comparing me and Elsie, Dad. It’s really unhealthy. We’re both very different but we love each other and we’re both very happy with our lives.”

That's awful of them. For what's it worth, I think your mum would be extremely proud of you both!

Both you and your sister’s lives sound perfect. Laugh it off and turn it back on them ‘do you wish you were skinnier? Do you wish you hadn’t had kids?’ (Insert mn tinkly laugh)

If you were my daughters I'd be equally proud of you both, just as you love your children for different reasons. It's what I worry about the most, that my girls will find a life and path that makes them happy, I really don't give a monkeys toss if they are slim or beautiful. A simple 'yes, she'd be proud of us both for choosing a life that makes us happy and fulfilled' would hopefully shut things down.

This
But you know it's about them not you.
They're saying this to elevate their sense of self.
Sort of riding on the coat tails of your sister , as if , some how they're responsible for sister success
It funny really.
Your mum would be proud of you both and be glad you two have a good relationship and can (maybe) laugh together about it ...

This is a very naive comment.

Your sister will be just fine. Her life sounds awesome. She’ll likely choose to do a bit of what you do in a few years, after making a lot of money and having a lot of fun. It’s a very fast living world.

I think you need to be blunt with your family. They sound very impressed by your sister’s life, so I assume you took a route more typical for your family, as married at 23 and kids by 25 is more unusual these days.

Corporate lawyer's life is miserable! My sister is still doing this in her mid 40s to maintain the lifestyle, commutes into London every day, leaves the house before 7, back at 7, puts the kids to bed, quick dinner and back on the laptop! She earns probably 3-4 times my salary and has a huge house in the home counties and fancy cars/hols but always looks knackered and fed up!