Family comparing my sister and I

[maysiea]

Hi all,
I'm 34, 3 kids who are 9, 7 and 4, married for 11 years and very happy, I live in a lovely rural village, in a house which perfectly suits my needs. Our life isn't flashy, our car is old, we go to Euro camp for our holidays and the one night a month we have without our kids is usually spent watching Chinese in front of the tv. We are happy though, our kids are happy and that's all that matters. We don't earn lots of money, I'm a teacher but I only work 3 days a week, DH is a police officer, with no intention to climb the ranks.
My sister is 24, she went to a top uni, is now working at a very good law firm having just finished her training contract. She probably makes more on her own at 24 than DH and I do combined. Her life looks like a lot of fun, her BF works for a company that one of the F1 teams are a client of so they get to go to the races often, they go to Wimbledon and Royal Ascot and all sorts. She is gorgeous beyond belief.

Now I'm so fed up of my family feeling the need to put me down, "oh don't you wish you'd waited for kids look what you missed out on" "oh look how skinny xxxx is, shouldn't you try lose some weight she's gorgeous" "xxxx has done so well for herself your mum would be proud" (my mum died when I was 13 and she was 3).
This never comes from my sister, we are both very happy with our own lives, no amount of money would convince me waking up at half 5 for Pilates is a good idea or working until half 6/7pm is any fun. I also know my sister occasionally uses cocaine and you won't catch her without a vape in her hand so I'd say her health perhaps isn't as good as she makes it look.

It really upsets when my dad and grandparents comment on how my mum would be so proud of her but no mention of me. I have 3 gorgeous children and of course sometimes I think ohhh should I have waited but I'm so glad I didn't.

I'm not upset about not living my sisters life, I couldn't deal with the toxic finance bros, sniffing lines in a club bathroom, 10/11 hour work days, 8 step skin care routine and 12 step hair care etc.
She isn't upset either, she wouldn't want the school run, arguing over eating peas, managing 30+ kids all day life.

AIBU to be so fed up of my family comparing us? How do I stop it? It's really getting me down!

In my opinion you have the better life. Finding joy in ordinary happiness is the key to life. As life goes on, try not to let others drive a wedge between you and your sister as she might become very materially wealthy and other people will love to point out how much more ‘successful’ she is. Ultimately, what other people think means nothing. (I have this same dynamic in my family.)

They are making very toxic comments especially about your weight and your mum. I would be having stern words that if this didn’t stop immediately you wouldn’t be coming to see them.

I'd choose your life any given day! I would tell them that you're sure mum isn't as shallow and materialistic as to praise being rich and skinny. She's surely happy if you're happy, like most mums.

Your dad and grandparents are awful to compare you and your sister to your detriment. You have taken different paths but your life sounds great. Aren't they happy that you have provided them with 3 lovely grandchildren?

I would tell them that their tone deaf comparisons of you and your sister are really hurtful, particularly the ones that say that your late mum would be so proud of your sister but no mention of you and your children.

If they don't take this on board, I would limit the time I spend with them.

You sound amazing. You know what is important to you and you are happy, although less and less so due to your family's comments. I think a bit of standing up to the comments would help. Anything will do. "You've said this 5 times now, Aunt so and so. Do you really dislike me so much?" "You've said it so many times, what are you trying to do to me?" "Mum might be proud of sister, but she wouldn't be happy with you putting me down every second time I see you".

Make it about their behaviour, instead of justifying your choices (which have been good anyway).

YANBU at all OP. This would piss me off I end

I’m an only child but I also had this !! My parents compared my performance academically to other kids’ better performance even though their parents had less education/more ‘basic’ jobs

When I got my GCSE results she compared me with a lad at school who’d done much better than me saying in a bitter voice-

“so the milkman’s grandson did much better than the headmaster’s granddaughter” - theyre from the same village

what my mum conveniently omitted was that she was a disgusting abusive alcoholic and I should’ve been taken away by social services !

I sometimes think that the people judging other people do this because they're actually judging themselves and their lives, and think they you might feel the same. Maybe they wish that they had what she has or rate her more successful than themselves?

I had some distant (geographically) relatives go on and on to me about how amazing my sister looked and hadn't she done well to lose her baby weight etc.

This was at a point in time where I had gained a lot of weight on steroids. I also suspected (rightly it turned out) that my sister's weight loss was due to anorexia. And I knew she was over-exercising to the point she was rarely spending time with her children.

I don't know why people feel the need to make these idiotic comparisons etc to siblings. It says more about them than anyone else. But if we are happy with our lives then we just need to ignore them or quietly squash them

I chose to turn down offers to be a corporate law trainee in favour of a more balanced lifestyle. I was and am happy with my decision and am also happy for my friends who continued down that route. (Well, those who are happy with their choice, others struggled with the pressure)

Your family value different things than you. You won't change that. If you're genuinely happy with your choices then it should be water off a ducks back, because you know your life is best for you. If it were me when they praised my sister I'd simply agree I was proud of her too. If they insulted my appearance I'd point out they were rude. If they criticised my life I'd tell them their 'concern' was misplaced as I couldn't be happier. The real danger here imo is that this is souring your relationship with your sister. By the end of your post you are actually critical and negative about her life, the implication being she's not as good as they think. That's a shame because this isn't her fault and she doesn't deserve your judgement anymore than you deserve theirs. Keep your focus on your own life and happiness and resist the temptation to make yourself feel better about the comparison by looking for flaws in her. You both sound like you're 'living your dreams' and I'm sure your mum would have been very proud of you both.

Hi OP
This kind of nonsense is annoying, your life sounds lovely too.
Of course you dont look like her you are 10 years older with 3 kids!
Sibling relationships can be tricky, my sister has rather grandiose ideas about what my life entails which can be frustrating when its discussed with other people.
You live very different lives so it may be difficult as you will have so little in common with each other.
Wishing you peace in your heart though and wisdom in navigating the unhelpful commentors, lots of great suggestions on here on how to respond to them.

She's 24 so give it 10 yrs and she'll be burnt out and not interested in half those things . I was like her at that age , having to be the best at everything , a London right of passage Imo.
Your life looks idyllic and your family are very out of order for saying what they are . You both have professional jobs and a lovely family . Chasing the ££££ only keeps you happy for as long as you don't realise there's more important routes to happiness .

Your life is amazing, don't hesitate about it.

On the having children early argument, in your shoes, I might suggest that having DC early will hopefully give you more time together (with a nod to your DM's early passing). That might make them think.

Whenever one of your DC has achieved something, be sure to point out to your relatives that your DM would be very proud.

Sometimes people don't value people that chose to live similar lives to their own as it seems boring - because they've lived it. Your DSis' life is very different and therefore exciting to them.

Nah it’s just standard city law no need to worry for her - she’ll settle down and have kids and become as boring and risk averse as the rest of us, then quit law at mid level when she realises the money isn’t worth the lifestyle sacrifices.

But OP you both sound successful in different ways and your mum would be very proud of you and pleased that both her daughters are happy and content in life. I’m sorry that your dad doesn’t acknowledge this, unfortunately you’ll have to parent yourself on this one.

Not necessarily. Plenty of people out there just use socially without being in the grip of an addiction.

I wouldn't stand for it. Your mother would be so proud of you too!!!

Honestly your mum would be proud of you. She would be proud of your sister as well don’t get me wrong! But your mum would look at your life and your kids and be like “yup she did gooddd. I got my granbabies on one side and my career woman on the other. Nobody has been shoehorned in a role they don’t wanna be in and everyone’s happy” that’s all she would have wanted. I’m a bit iffy about kids (traummaa) and I know my mum would love for me to have kids right now, but she understands that I’m not there yet at 31 and I’m totally not fussed if I have kids that are genetically mine. She’s just happy that I’m working towards a goal that makes me happy. You are happy and healthy and that is all she would have wanted. Don’t let this build resentment. You’re doing fantastic ❤️. If they keep going on about it just be like “someone needed to have the grandkids and she would have known that women don’t have an infinite amount of time to have them!” I do think men forget that sometimes because they could keep going on their deathbed if they wanted to 😂. (Psa I’m not saying anyone needed to have kids just being dramatic 😅)

Thanks for posting this OP, it's resonated with me. My dad died a few years ago. There was a feud for a few decades between him and his siblings so we lost touch. Since he died one of his sisters had made huge efforts to build a relationship with me. I'm grateful but also finding it very difficult.

She always talks about my sister and I in relative terms.

"You were always the favourite, it wasn't fair on your sister".
"She is drop dead gorgeous, I guess it's hard for you to be her sister".

I've noticed she makes similar comparisons about our cousins sibling relationships. I

It's really horrible and my sister and I have never been competitive only protective of each other.

My sister always refers to me as absolutely gorgeous and I know that's how she sees me. I know she has always had the same hang-ups (more probably) about her 'perfect' body.

It's really hard OP but try to remember it's just a reflection of their narrow view of how they see the world. Employ sympathy and distance. They are toxic. Bringing your dead mum into it is just too nasty for words. Of course she would be so proud of you both.

Just ignore them! I hate this comparison game. My siblings have arguably the most fantastic high paying job, gets to jet set across the globe all year, parties with celebrities which I am so proud of them for BUT I’ll be honest, no amount of money would make me want that lifestyle. Maybe for a week but I’d soon miss my home, my husband and my dog 😂

I have a similar job to your sister and again, fairly sure my siblings would rather poke needles into their eyes than sit at a desk for hours on end!

I find people draw comparison between me and my friends too because I decided to wait to have children (you can’t win!! Someone will always counter argue the position you are in). There is always a “you realise you will be one of the oldest parents at the gate if you don’t get on with it?” Or the latest one was “have you thought about freezing your eggs?”.

We all make life choices, and I’m happy with mine, my siblings are happy with theirs. My friends are equally as happy with theirs too although, do throw a wobbly every now and again when their child is in a difficult phase. All normal!

We can all look back on life and have regrets, but ultimately, I think all the choices we make are what makes us the person we are today and whether you could have done something sooner/ later, done something different is just pointless. Live life with no regrets and anyone who makes a comment respond with a “did you intend to be so rude and judgemental?”

How annoying, I’d respond with “Yes, we’ve made the right choices for ourselves.”

As others have said, the important thing is that both you and your sister have chosen the lifestyles that make you happy. If other people are too blinkered to recognize that, more fool them.

My DH is from a large family and each sibling has a different lifestyle, which is great, everyone’s doing what makes them happy.

OP your family have an odd viewpoint. My adult DCs have different careers / priorities / likely earnings, but the main thing I want is for them to be able to do what makes them happy / fulfilled, which is not necessarily chasing the money.

You know they're doing the same to her dont you....
Dont you think you shoukd think about having children...you stent getting any younger

Whu are you frittering all your money away...your sister has a family etc etc
I thi you're feeding into your owni securitytbh

Why are you tolerating such toxicity from them?

Do you see much of them?
How about you tell them out straight how disappointed your mother would be to listen to their toxicity about her child?

Tell them you don't want to hear their view on your life.
Tell them you will no longer visit if they don't STFU.

Stop tolerating their rudeness.

Tell your dad and gran that their comments are hurtful and will drive a wedge between you and the sister you love so they stop it or you will stop spending time with them and just see sister on her own.

The only way to stop this is to address it straight on. Next comment you get reply with “it is so interesting that you always feel the need to compare x and I. We are both happy with our life choices, lucky we have such a great relationship as otherwise your constant comparisons might actually affect us”. Smile, walk away, repeat if necessary.