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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DC to in-laws over Christmas?

72 replies

rainyrat · 11/12/2024 20:30

Or to be more specific, for them not to see them at all?

A little bit of a backstory; my dh and I have one child each from previous relationships who are now both early teens. We've been together 6 years and also have a 3 year old together.

DH parents always see his dc, even though she lives pretty far away.

But they have never bothered with my DC, not that they 'have' to but my parents have a relationship with DH dc and make the effort etc.

Along came our joint dc and they never see them. We only live 40 mins away. We have tried in the past, olive branch etc. I've 'given in' when my dh says come on let's just go over. But then they just don't bother for months.

My dh brother died early in the year and it was horrendous. We were over at theirs a lot, of course. We thought perhaps something positive could come from something so tragic, and that we'd be closer and they'd see dc more.

But it never happened. They never ask about them, never want to see them. They drive past ours a lot to go to the main shopping centre etc. and to be honest, I've had enough.

My dh has tried to speak to them in the past, and it's always excuses.

We received a text from them a few days ago asking what the children would like for Christmas and what our plans are.

My dc (oldest) has said he doesn't really want to see them but will is he has to. Tbh, MIL is not very kind to him and never has been. So I'd not make him go.

My dh and I have had a convo and he's said he'd just take his DC over after Christmas so they get to see each other.

I don't want to drag my two there, I feel as though they don't deserve to see them just because it's Christmas?

Why don't they want to see them throughout the years we've been together and since our dc has been born..? I feel like it's just to benefit them really.

We know this may cause an upheaval and I'm prepared for it. But curious what others think? Do you drag your kids to peoples houses at Christmas even though they don't bother with them throughout the year?

I don't want them coming to ours, I don't particularly get along with them and my dh only really gets on with his dad; his mother has been utterly cruel since his db died (Even said she wished it was him who died, not his db).

OP posts:
Stirrednshaken · 11/12/2024 20:40

We don't go anywhere and both sets of grandparents adore our kids. His parents aren't related to your kids, and given they have no interest in your shared child it's not a surprise they aren't fussed about seeing your other kids. So they really won't care if they don't see them so don't ruin your kids' Xmas taking them.

Original poster
rainyrat · 11/12/2024 20:42

Stirrednshaken · 11/12/2024 20:40

We don't go anywhere and both sets of grandparents adore our kids. His parents aren't related to your kids, and given they have no interest in your shared child it's not a surprise they aren't fussed about seeing your other kids. So they really won't care if they don't see them so don't ruin your kids' Xmas taking them.

My parents are great. They are staying at ours Christmas Eve and then off to my siblings Christmas Day in the afternoon.

I'm just curious as to how we tackle it; if they ask when they are seeing my two (mine and shared dc).

My dh says he'll just say he's coming over but just turn up with his dc and if they ask he'll just say we were busy.

OP posts:
MrRobinsonsQuango · 11/12/2024 20:47

I wouldn’t take them. They don’t sound like pleasant people, l wouldn’t spend the time or energy. I would tell them exactly why as well

OhBuggerandArse · 11/12/2024 20:48

We received a text from them a few days ago asking what the children would like for Christmas and what our plans are.

To be fair, this does seem like a decent and generous enough approach from them - could you not give them the benefit of the doubt? People can be really awful when they are grieving and say terrible things. But you might get further towards making things better by trying to be the bigger person (and modelling for the children that you do your best to do the right thing) than you will by punishing them.

Original poster
rainyrat · 11/12/2024 20:50

OhBuggerandArse · 11/12/2024 20:48

We received a text from them a few days ago asking what the children would like for Christmas and what our plans are.

To be fair, this does seem like a decent and generous enough approach from them - could you not give them the benefit of the doubt? People can be really awful when they are grieving and say terrible things. But you might get further towards making things better by trying to be the bigger person (and modelling for the children that you do your best to do the right thing) than you will by punishing them.

The only thing is, it's been like this for years. Now and again they will reach out, we go, and then they don't bother for literally months. And I'm just fed up with it.

If this was a one off, I'd think the same as what you have said. But it's been on going. And I don't know how many times we can do this. Our shared dc hardly know them. They only ever see her if they drop off or pick up my dh child. And even that is a quick 'hello.' They just don't want to know!

OP posts:
Original poster
rainyrat · 11/12/2024 20:52

MrRobinsonsQuango · 11/12/2024 20:47

I wouldn’t take them. They don’t sound like pleasant people, l wouldn’t spend the time or energy. I would tell them exactly why as well

I did tell my dh that if they question it, I'm happy to state why.

I always said I'd never stop them from seeing the dc if they ever asked to see them. But they never do!

So now I'm a bit, well if they ask, it'll be a no! Until we sort out if they want to be a part of their lives or not. I feel like they can't just pick and choose because it's Christmas.

For our shared dc birthday they didn't even come to see them. Just sent money as they didn't know what they'd like.

OP posts:
Strawberrysaucee · 11/12/2024 20:57

I would leave it up to your DH with regards to your shared child.

It sounds like your oldest child wouldn't want to go anyway, so you and them could stay back.

Original poster
rainyrat · 11/12/2024 21:00

Strawberrysaucee · 11/12/2024 20:57

I would leave it up to your DH with regards to your shared child.

It sounds like your oldest child wouldn't want to go anyway, so you and them could stay back.

I think he feels the same about both dc.

I also think it's unfair that our shared dc is going to grow up wondering why their grandparents see one of them but not her? It frustrates me.

OP posts:
GooseClues · 11/12/2024 21:01

Is it possible they pay more attention to your DH’s first child because they feel guilty/sorry for the child because of the divorce? Were they so involved before the split? Did they have a great relationship with the ex and are colder to you due to some kind of misplaced loyalty?

Original poster
rainyrat · 11/12/2024 21:03

GooseClues · 11/12/2024 21:01

Is it possible they pay more attention to your DH’s first child because they feel guilty/sorry for the child because of the divorce? Were they so involved before the split? Did they have a great relationship with the ex and are colder to you due to some kind of misplaced loyalty?

No, not at all, they split when she was a baby and the ex isn't great either (recently had to take her to court unfortunately). They have always seen her and have had a relationship with her. So nothing new.

They also see their other grandchild a lot too who is 10 months older than ours.

It's almost like my two are the outsiders!

OP posts:
Dameruoy · 11/12/2024 21:12

I'd either stop bothering with them or just stick to when they ask and only go if it suits you and your children. If they don't care then don't pursue it. Some people do just see family very occasionally and that's OK. Only if they're actually toxic to you, dh or your children would I stop seeing them.

I don't talk to some family due to past issues so no, I don’t take my children to see them around Christmas because I don't intend on seeing them again.
We don't go anywhere for Christmas. We stay home and others are OK to visit if they want. We see people in the weeks running up to Christmas.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/12/2024 07:42

@rainyrat sorry but I would have absolutely nothing to do with them!! your husband is flogging a dead horse with his nasty parents!! dont go near or take the kids to them and dont answer their texts or phone calls!!

FABAND · 17/12/2024 07:52

Hmmm. If they have sent gifts or vouchers for the lids, why not facetime or send a video to the in laws while they 'open ' their gifts all together and send it. Then you've shown your childrens good manners by sending thanks. You and the kids can then stay home and dh can pop and take his dad for a Christmas pint. The MIL sounds vile and LC/ NC is the only language needed here. No row, no argument, just drop her quietly. It wont be noticeable, as you say, they rarely see them anyways. Presume FIL is still welcome to pop in for coffee at your local Costa ?

BluntLemonDreamer · 17/12/2024 07:55

OP, what was DHs childhood like? Have they always not really bothered with him? If so, And correct me if im wrong, perhaps lowering your expectations of them and perhaps take them up on any offer to see them over xmas? It may just be the way they are, not reaching out for periods of time etc. I know myself, my In-laws are far more bothered with mine and my DHs children than my mother has ever been. She can go weeks without seeing them and lives in the same village. It used to (and still does sometimes) really bother me, but now I just try to ignore it. I can't change who she is (although we had a fairly good childhood) and I've come to realise I shouldn't waste my time being angry about it.
I wouldn't make your eldest go if they don't want to though. Or perhaps your DH could take his DC and the youngest?
Obviously I don't know the whole story but thought I'd share my 2 pence worth.
I am sorry your DH has been subject to those cruel comments on the passing of his brother. There is no excuse for that.

SeatonCarew · 17/12/2024 08:05

Given that this will be their first Christmas after the death of their son, please do not provoke confrontation with them this year. They are probably barely getting from one day to the next and dreading the festive season.

They have been nice enough to ask what the children would like for Christmas and what your plans are. I'd take that as being very forthcoming at this time.

DowntonCrabbie · 17/12/2024 08:07

rainyrat · 11/12/2024 21:03

No, not at all, they split when she was a baby and the ex isn't great either (recently had to take her to court unfortunately). They have always seen her and have had a relationship with her. So nothing new.

They also see their other grandchild a lot too who is 10 months older than ours.

It's almost like my two are the outsiders!

Show quote history

I think they don't like you. They see the other GC that aren't yours.... so you're the common denominator.

PerambulationFrustration · 17/12/2024 08:09

It sounds like they don't want to see them anyway and are probably just doing the Christmas thing.
I wouldn't bother. No need for confrontation or a big drama and just doing what your dh suggested is fine.

Heronwatcher · 17/12/2024 08:12

I think what your DH is proposing (dropping in with his elsest and saying the rest of you are busy) sounds fine. I’d take a massive step back here and leave it to him. If they contact you just say, let me pass this on to DH and he’ll be in touch. You don’t know them, you don’t much like them so don’t get involved.

If you really wanted to try one last time you could say we’ll be at home from x to y, let me know if you fancy popping in for a coffee or meeting somewhere for lunch- then leave it to them to do the running. But honestly I don’t think they are going to change so I’d accept that for whatever reason they’re only ever going to have a superficial relationship with your Dc and move on.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2024 08:13

So this is the first Christmas after they lost their son and you’re proposing to keep away from them?

Sorry OP but I think that sounds really unkind, no matter how much you dislike them, especially with you having your own family around for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

JillMW · 17/12/2024 08:15

It does not sound from what you have said that they would mind not seeing you. If your husband would like to take his children that seems simple enough, just stay at home with your eldest child.

MDTdottyT · 17/12/2024 08:16

My FIL and MIL.had no interest in seeing my children. I once asked if we could come to, a couple of hundred mile round trip and see them and they said they were busy.
We rang them over the weekend and could hear the other ' local ' grandchildren playing in the background.
That was it I never tried again and only saw them at Christmas.
My parents were really involved.
Sometimes you just have to accept that all some people want is that Christmas vist once a year. I would just go spend a couple of hours with them.then go home.

Nolegusta · 17/12/2024 08:17

rainyrat · 11/12/2024 20:30

Or to be more specific, for them not to see them at all?

A little bit of a backstory; my dh and I have one child each from previous relationships who are now both early teens. We've been together 6 years and also have a 3 year old together.

DH parents always see his dc, even though she lives pretty far away.

But they have never bothered with my DC, not that they 'have' to but my parents have a relationship with DH dc and make the effort etc.

Along came our joint dc and they never see them. We only live 40 mins away. We have tried in the past, olive branch etc. I've 'given in' when my dh says come on let's just go over. But then they just don't bother for months.

My dh brother died early in the year and it was horrendous. We were over at theirs a lot, of course. We thought perhaps something positive could come from something so tragic, and that we'd be closer and they'd see dc more.

But it never happened. They never ask about them, never want to see them. They drive past ours a lot to go to the main shopping centre etc. and to be honest, I've had enough.

My dh has tried to speak to them in the past, and it's always excuses.

We received a text from them a few days ago asking what the children would like for Christmas and what our plans are.

My dc (oldest) has said he doesn't really want to see them but will is he has to. Tbh, MIL is not very kind to him and never has been. So I'd not make him go.

My dh and I have had a convo and he's said he'd just take his DC over after Christmas so they get to see each other.

I don't want to drag my two there, I feel as though they don't deserve to see them just because it's Christmas?

Why don't they want to see them throughout the years we've been together and since our dc has been born..? I feel like it's just to benefit them really.

We know this may cause an upheaval and I'm prepared for it. But curious what others think? Do you drag your kids to peoples houses at Christmas even though they don't bother with them throughout the year?

I don't want them coming to ours, I don't particularly get along with them and my dh only really gets on with his dad; his mother has been utterly cruel since his db died (Even said she wished it was him who died, not his db).

One of DCs grandparents used to visit and spend more time with his sibling's grandchildren/great grandchildren than his own grandchild (our DC). He never hid it either. He wonders why some people didn't even realise DC was his grandchild or why DC doesn't bother much with him now DC is older. He's reaped what he sowed.

ExtraOnions · 17/12/2024 08:18

Maybe cut them a bit of slack, it’s the first Christmas since one of their children died.

If one of your children died, try to imagine how that first Christmas might feel, and work out how you would like other people to behave to make it happen easier for you…and then do that.

ZenNudist · 17/12/2024 08:19

Yes I "drag my children to people's houses" at Christmas. Gosh, the abuse! Christmas is a time for seeing family, especially those you don't usually see. I think you have unrealistic expectations based on your own family being so close. Most people would be glad to not have in law's breathing down their necks.

To be fair on you I do think that they probably are less bothered about their sons second family. There is no excuse for it.

For the sake of peaceful family relationship in the wake of grief I'd just go and see them. You could have your DH be ultra sensitive and find out shT would suit them most. It might be that he and their dgc get together and you get to see friends or chill with your own dc.

HappyTwo · 17/12/2024 08:22

Their son died this year. I get you and your eldest son do not want to go but I would not be taking a stand about your 3 year old this year.