To not take DC to in-laws over Christmas?

[rainyrat]

Or to be more specific, for them not to see them at all?

A little bit of a backstory; my dh and I have one child each from previous relationships who are now both early teens. We've been together 6 years and also have a 3 year old together.

DH parents always see his dc, even though she lives pretty far away.

But they have never bothered with my DC, not that they 'have' to but my parents have a relationship with DH dc and make the effort etc.

Along came our joint dc and they never see them. We only live 40 mins away. We have tried in the past, olive branch etc. I've 'given in' when my dh says come on let's just go over. But then they just don't bother for months.

My dh brother died early in the year and it was horrendous. We were over at theirs a lot, of course. We thought perhaps something positive could come from something so tragic, and that we'd be closer and they'd see dc more.

But it never happened. They never ask about them, never want to see them. They drive past ours a lot to go to the main shopping centre etc. and to be honest, I've had enough.

My dh has tried to speak to them in the past, and it's always excuses.

We received a text from them a few days ago asking what the children would like for Christmas and what our plans are.

My dc (oldest) has said he doesn't really want to see them but will is he has to. Tbh, MIL is not very kind to him and never has been. So I'd not make him go.

My dh and I have had a convo and he's said he'd just take his DC over after Christmas so they get to see each other.

I don't want to drag my two there, I feel as though they don't deserve to see them just because it's Christmas?

Why don't they want to see them throughout the years we've been together and since our dc has been born..? I feel like it's just to benefit them really.

We know this may cause an upheaval and I'm prepared for it. But curious what others think? Do you drag your kids to peoples houses at Christmas even though they don't bother with them throughout the year?

I don't want them coming to ours, I don't particularly get along with them and my dh only really gets on with his dad; his mother has been utterly cruel since his db died (Even said she wished it was him who died, not his db).

But this post is all about what OP wants, it should be based around supporting what her husband wants as they're his family.

It's fine for OP or her child to not go see them, but if her husband wants to take his children (and they don't put the children at risk of course), she shouldn't stand in the way of that.

Just wanted to add here, I stay away from my in laws, they have never made me and my children welcome and are very strange and unloving. They phone dh and never ask to talk to any of us. I believe they are all neurodiverse as dh is (found out after all of our kids got diagnosed, and now I see it in them all, practically no social skills) so I get dh to drop their gifts off and that's it, because for many years they did that, dropped the gifts off at his work instead of asking to come see the kids (birthdays and Christmas) like it was nothing more than a box ticking exercise!

What the OP wants is for her children to be well treated. MIL is actively unkind to her older DC and completely indifferent to her younger one.
It's not about what the DH wants, it's about what's best for the children and the family.

similar here in terms of only ever bothered with their daughter and her kids, they practically helped raise them so she could work and party, but the sons and their partners/wives and kids...held at arms length.

saying that about your dh is evil! really... cant get any lower than that! Horrific.

I think wondering why your PIL are only interested in your husband's eldest child and not your shared child, is something you are going to have to accept is 'one of those things'. Only they know the real reason, and they aren't likely to share it with your husband (or you). It's utterly shit, and they should awful. Your eldest child isn't interested in a relationship with them, and probably can see the dynamics within the family, that have pushed them away. Your PIL do have a relationship with your husband's eldest, so it's a case of taking just that child or taking his eldest and your shared child. Or taking none of the children at all. If it was me, I'd probably take the eldest and shared child. Ask your husband to gauge their reaction to seeing both children. If your shared child is ignored and pushed out, then next year going forward, only your husband's eldest child will have a relationship with them. Yes, it would be sad for your youngest, but it's better than exposing the poor child to distain and disinterest forever more. Your MIL sounds an awful woman. I'd treat this year as their last chance, and then 2025 onwards, they no longer see your shared child.

In my opinion, what they said to OP's DH is unforgiveable. The complete lack of interest in OP's children (both blood related and step grandchildren) is just common or garden in-law dickishness that we hear about on these boards every day but telling your own son that they wished that he had died instead of his brother is a whole new level of cruelty and unacceptable behaviour.

I would not want these people in my children's lives.

I don't want them coming to ours, I don't particularly get along with them and my dh only really gets on with his dad; his mother has been utterly cruel since his db died (Even said she wished it was him who died, not his db).

Yeah, you're a better person than I am if you can forgive and forget this. I never would. I only have one kid but I can't imagine saying to one of my dc that I wished it had been them rather than the other. That's utterly monstrous. Think it if you like, but say it? Never. I'd be done with her. I don't know how your DH stays civil to her

I get that but where I'm coming from is that I have a difficult relationship with my parents, my sister is the golden child, but I wouldn't be happy if my husband decided we were cutting contact. That should come from me and he should support me in my decision.

They barely see them anyway so I don't see the need to cause a fallout right now.

@Heronwatcher and @SeatonCarew have just about summed it up, with some rather good advice about how to approach it this year, and maybe going forward into the next.

Grief does terrible things to people. Don't be too hard on them, nor your family; everyone is different, just remember to go gently with each other.

If they ask when they are seeing them, tell them when they can come to you and see what happens.

I also think it's unfair that our shared dc is going to grow up wondering why their grandparents see one of them but not her? It frustrates me.

I don’t understand this bit. Why can’t her dad take her to see them along with the half-sister on her dad’s side?

Your eldest one isn’t related to them and he doesn’t want to see them. Why are you throwing him into the mix anyway?

A far bigger issue is the shit that has happened since their child died. Christ I can’t imagine that pain but what they said to your husband was unforgivable. If your DH wants a relationship with them all this has to be unpacked.

How have not many people picked up on the fact that ILs told DH they wished it was him who died, not his brother?

I'd never see them again after that.

I'd just go radio silent

How can your husband even bear to look at his mother?

Witch

And why does his father not step in?

They're both as bad as each other

I think that's the issue.

Why they have it is another matter

But hell would freeze over before I had any contact with them

The OP's MiL said that she wished it had been the OP's husband that had died, not his brother!!

You can't put that down to grief! It's a vile thing to say

I wouldn't go 'gently' I'd go either completely silent or nuclear!

I was all ready to say give them a chance, even though they don't deserve it, until I read what your MIL said about your DH. Totally unforgivable.
Has she acknowledged what she said and sincerely apologised? If not, then I wouldn't be letting my children anywhere near her. And even then, from what you said they are like, I'd be keeping my distance.

My in laws live 10 mins away from me and they sound like yours - we don't see them unless my DH takes the kids (but they're over DH's brother's house every week). My mum died last year - 3 months from diagnosis to death - my in-laws didn't contact me or my DH once to offer support (we have 3 children 10 and under). Even when I accidentally bumped into them, they never even mentioned my mum. I've not spoken to or seen them since and never want to again. According to DH they don't know what they've done wrong.

Lashing out at those closest is very much a symptom of grief and absolutely everyone handles things differently. Hundreds of thousands of people have said hurtful horrid things they've not meant when in the hostile throws of denial when dealing with their own periods grief, I know I have. I'm not excusing it @Nanny0gg, nor attempting to condone or justify it; just honestly admitting that it does happens.

@rainyrat your MIL is definitely in the wrong to have said those things to your husband, but she did. Those words were uttered, they can't be taken back. Hopefully they will be able to get past this and repair any fractured relationship with their surviving son in time.

But you can't magically make a relationship with your older child and his step-grandparents be something it will never be. Some families just don't blend, sad as that is for everyone, no matter how much they are expected, encouraged, or forced to mix. If low contact is inevitable then this needs to be accepted to move on from this point.

But they're not even interested in OP's younger child with her DH who is their grandchild, so it seems as though both OP's children are treated equally poorly by these grandparents. They don't have any redeeming features so I would not make any effort to let my children see them.

It's obviously up to OP's DH whether he has a relationship with his parents, but I wouldn't be able to forgive my parents for telling me that they had wished I had died rather than my sibling. How do you re-build a relationship after that even taking extreme grief into consideration?

IF, AND IT’S A BIG IF your husband tries to move forward and forgive his mother for an unforgivable comment I think he should then start taking your younger child to see them and see if a relationship blossoms there.

Ah I see where your coming from. Ive experienced something similar. It seems you have tried so its down to them now. Id bet she has got an issue with you, but you may never find out what it is. Its probably some imagined slur that youve not even got a clue about and its developed into a big issue (for MIL) . Stop beating yourself up about it all and accept what you cant change. Dont do/say anything that can be thrown back at you at a later date. I know its hard, but try to move on and let things lie. You'll get nowhere confronting or trying to fix things with some people. Acceptance is all I can advise you.

Honestly OP it's a you problem - they don't like you for whatever reason.
Also they'll be trying to protect their DGC who has gone from being an only child who gets all her dad's attention to having to "fight" you, your DC and your joint DC for her Dad's attention!