To not take DC to in-laws over Christmas?

[rainyrat]

Or to be more specific, for them not to see them at all?

A little bit of a backstory; my dh and I have one child each from previous relationships who are now both early teens. We've been together 6 years and also have a 3 year old together.

DH parents always see his dc, even though she lives pretty far away.

But they have never bothered with my DC, not that they 'have' to but my parents have a relationship with DH dc and make the effort etc.

Along came our joint dc and they never see them. We only live 40 mins away. We have tried in the past, olive branch etc. I've 'given in' when my dh says come on let's just go over. But then they just don't bother for months.

My dh brother died early in the year and it was horrendous. We were over at theirs a lot, of course. We thought perhaps something positive could come from something so tragic, and that we'd be closer and they'd see dc more.

But it never happened. They never ask about them, never want to see them. They drive past ours a lot to go to the main shopping centre etc. and to be honest, I've had enough.

My dh has tried to speak to them in the past, and it's always excuses.

We received a text from them a few days ago asking what the children would like for Christmas and what our plans are.

My dc (oldest) has said he doesn't really want to see them but will is he has to. Tbh, MIL is not very kind to him and never has been. So I'd not make him go.

My dh and I have had a convo and he's said he'd just take his DC over after Christmas so they get to see each other.

I don't want to drag my two there, I feel as though they don't deserve to see them just because it's Christmas?

Why don't they want to see them throughout the years we've been together and since our dc has been born..? I feel like it's just to benefit them really.

We know this may cause an upheaval and I'm prepared for it. But curious what others think? Do you drag your kids to peoples houses at Christmas even though they don't bother with them throughout the year?

I don't want them coming to ours, I don't particularly get along with them and my dh only really gets on with his dad; his mother has been utterly cruel since his db died (Even said she wished it was him who died, not his db).

I'd keep them home. I've been with my DH 17 years and have 3 shared children plus one older child from his previous relationship. DH parents have only ever bothered with his eldest so I stopped taking our shares children to see them years ago and neither the grandparents nor the children ever ask to see each other. Their loss not ours. DH is quite happy going to see them alone or with eldest.

It sounds like their behaviour wasn't great before this either though.

Thank you. I appreciate the honesty.

I do battle with the fact they have lost their son this year; I was friends with him before I was friends with my dh. I knew his brother since I was a teen.

I don't want any confrontation with them; of course I don't. I just don't think I can keep up this 'relationship' any longer. This has been going on since I was pregnant. I'm putting my children first.

The things that have happened since bil died have been awful and dh is still working through some of it. In regard to his mum and dad saying and doing awful things.

We have decided that dh is going to take his child over and I'll be doing something with the other two.

That sounds the best decision for you. Have a lovely Christmas x

It sounds like your decision is made.
Was your bil the golden child? Mil's comment about the wrong one dying is unbelievably cruel, and I'd be wary of whe she was saying to or around your young DC.

I was waiting for the massive drip feed and along it came.

You have a husband issue if he insisted you go and not make a fuss about it, he needs to respect your feelings and tell them just that they are not grandparents throughout the year so why make anymore effort and as for your other child not wanting to go then don't blame them, they haven't really been made to feel welcomed have they.
With no support no love from the grandparents just because you had a child from a previous relationship doesn't mean they cannot welcome them as part of the family, the child is part of you and his family should welcome you all.

I recently went No contact with my MIL FIL died before I met my (husband) my MIL wouldn't treat my eldest two with respect and love and would treat me like nothing and was quite nasty and overbearing for over 10 years. Me and my husband have 5 children together now.
I finally snapped this summer and told her to do one) because she felt her once a year visits were fine whilst criticising my parenting, what I fed our children one has a milk allergy and she fed them chocolate! Whilst saying my cooking wasn't healthy enough, moaned how I dressed them, how I had gained weight the list went on and the last issue was my job wasn't good enough! I earn more than my husband some months! I snapped and told her she wasn't a decent grandparent visiting once a year not including my children from a previous relationship, as children are innocent in these family situations and they should be seen as added bonus grandchildren.) I finally had enough and snapped and told her she wasn't welcome anymore, I got sick of my husband begging her to see our children and all the mistreatment I told my husband if he felt I was unreasonable he could join her! He soon backed me up and said no you are right let's just enjoy the no more MIL / mother stress for him.
If they make no effort don't with them anymore simple and if you have had other issues other the years them criticising you add it all up peace the puzzle together and explain to them you have had enough.
Good luck and merry Christmas 🎅 🎄

his mother has been utterly cruel since his db died (Even said she wished it was him who died, not his db).

On this basis why does your DH even want to see them? This is an absolutely horrific thing to say to him, is he so used to them treating him so badly that this is so easily forgotten/ignored?

I wouldn’t want someone who says such hurtful things to someone who had lost their sibling around my kids.

Yeah, I’d be keeping it high level polite.

” Hi, that’s ever so kind of you, they’re into A,B,C. We are free on the [date] if that works for you. Wishing you both a merry Christmas and look forward to catching up.”

I think your husband is right with him going with the joint child. Let yours off the hook and plan something nice together.

Don’t go overboard and don’t need to be rude. Just keep it civil.

I might be missing something here but other than wishing it was the other son who died, I don't see what's so bad.

So they don't see you that often. That's normal for a lot of families. My family can not see each other for months and it's no problem. I'd find people wanting to see me every week irritating.

They don't bother with your children as much as your husbands eldest. If you split up, they'll never see your eldest again. They probably feel sorry for his eldest that she's having to deal with split parents, and when she's at your house she has to compete for her dad's attention against you, your eldest and the shared child. Lots of older people don't really like baby's/toddlers but do like teens.

It could be as simple as that.

Feels a bit like you're making a mountain out of this because you WANT to cut contact, but that decision is your husbands.

Fine not to see them Christmas Day but I think one of the days between CD and NY with DHs 2 children if yours doesn't want to go would be nice (if that's what DH wants).

That's what I think. I wouldn't punish them when they're going through every parents worst nightmare. I'd sit them down and have a talk about how you feel they treat your child and the fact that your parents make an effort with all children. It's natural that they'd see your child differently but they shouldn't be so blatant about it.

Yes he was.

I feel as though you've made up a bit of a scenario there; which isn't true.

The issue is a lot larger. It isn't just that one thing she said. But surely saying that is enough? What a cruel thing to say to your remaining child.

They see their other grandchild (always have done) and they live the same distance away. I struggle to understand why that is.

I think the problem could be underlying feelings between yourself and your MIL. Its a shame both your inlaws and your child are missing out on a relationship. I'd consciously involve them more with the little one and see if they respond more. Remember too, no matter how miffed you feel about whats going on, that they are going through probably the worst Xmas of their lives having lost their child and also your huband has lost his brother. Really you should be putting your feelings to the side at this time of goodwill. Sorry its probs not what you want to hear, but they dont sound like the worst people to me. Lifes too short for all this...Id actively make more moves to get everyone involved with each other more and see what comes of it, even just for your husbands sake.

@SallyWD Yes, we would love to sit down and have a conversation about it. We just don't know when that is going to happen as we don't want to cause upset. My dh also thinks he'd have to do it with a mediator or some sort.

We have made so much effort to involve them in the last three years. This hasn't just happened over night. We've tried to invite them over, to birthdays etc. it's always met with an excuse their end. Not that long before BIL died, I asked mil to come meet for a coffee and walk to see dc (she doesn't work) and she said she was ironing. It's like that every time we try to plan something.

So we just have given up really.

They make plans to see their other gc all the time, this was before BIL died (dad).

My dh has asked his dad if it's me that is the problem, but he's said no! So we aren't really sure what it is.

Other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

Their son died this year so yes I would let them see their grandkid over Christmas

It's Horrible Parent mind-fuckery. Nothing more and nothing less.

If anyone wished my husband dead (even now he's an ex-husband!) I'd not speak to them again unless there was a sincere and heartfelt apology given to him in my presence.

The people who are saying to ignore this because of their son dying really don't get the contempt that these types of parents have for the scapegoat child. Can anyone really imagine any scenario in which they would say that to their child? If so, they need to take bloody good long look at themselves.

Your children are much better off without these people in their lives.

Which one? Because they're only interested in a couple of their grandchildren, and ignore others.

Well I guess we could all just pile onto her husbands parents who've lost a child this year, that would be really productive, vs trying to understand why they are that way and make the best of the relationship.

There is no relationship, that's the point. And the parents have been awful.

Or OP and her husband could leave the responsibility for his parents' behaviour where it belongs (with them, as adults who are supposedly older and wiser), and focus on their own boundaries of the sort of behaviour that they will and won't accept in their lives.

Tbh if my parents wished me dead instead of my sibling, even allowing for grief, they’d be met with the response “fine, consider me dead to you from now on” and NC.

I know they would never say that though because they’re not toxic arseholes. Your poor DH .