To not want to get MIL anything for Xmas this year?

[PippaKing]

I know how heartless that sounds but I'm 6 years in with DP and not a Christmas has gone by where she hasn't moaned about what we've bought her...

• Didn't like the fact one year that she hadn't got a gift specifically from her granddaughter (she was 4 at the time)
• Didn't like the joint present we got her & FIL one year. It was a hamper that DP spent over £100 on, with thoughtful food & drinks inside from nice garden centres etc. She said she didn't like joint gifts.
• Bought her Swarovski earrings one year. Made a side comment to DP that 'she would have preferred diamond earrings'
• Bought an experience voucher another year to go for afternoon tea. Told us she didn't like 'experience' gifts
• One year said she didn't want anything, was very adamant, so DP bought her a lovely seasonal bouquet of flowers as a nice gesture. She said the quality of them was terrible, rung up the company and complained about them it in front of us.

I can't even remember the other one but she's never happy...

Well she sounds very rude (albeit yes I think it's down to your DH to decide - but obviously if he wants to continue getting presents for her he needs to take care of sorting them).

In my house I 'sort' the presents for my DM and DB which are from both of us, and DH sorts the presents for his mum, again from both of us (we apply this to Christmas and birthdays). Also I write the Christmas cards from both of us to my side of the family and friends and he does for his side (after years and years all through my childhood and into adulthood of seeing my mum spending hours and hours and hours writing all the Christmas cards to everyone until eventually quite recently (and once they were both long retired) decided that my lovely late DF could also write Christmas cards.

I used to buy for in laws in the early days and never had a kind response. So I left it and I was outraged when dh brought her a gift and she looked very sorry for herself when opening it and criticised how he had wrapped it. I've never experienced people who ruin Xmas like my in laws and no gratitude at all.

So we both stopped and give one generic token gift.The exact same thing each year

I am a mother-in-law 😂🤣😊

And I make sure that i make the effort, you can't like everyone in life but you can try , my in-laws treated me badly , I swore I would never treat my sons partners the same , I didn't like one but compensated so much to try , luckily he met someone lovely after they broke up.

You have to stop buying for ungrateful people, get her a picture frame with a photo of just your partner and your child or even better all of you as a family, as mothers do not need expensive gifts that's our job. 💝

Especially not to those who are non appreciative, i love buying for people , i used to buy for my sister-in-law but she was the same so we just send a card now , I want to feel joy not dread , it's not fair that she makes you feel dread she should appreciate a gesture , stop going above and beyond.

because by the sounds of it She just is never going to be happy either way , cheeky mare she would of appreciated Diamonds WOW .
Let's be honest us mothers miss our kids being small and the magic of Christmas it's not about us and if she can't be happy that you are a happy family then she isn't worth the worry, I am happy my kids have food and nice homes and partners and gorgeous grandchildren and I can't ask for anything more , have a lovely Christmas and do not allow her to put a dampener on your day.x

YANU at all. This year let your DP get her a gift. You step back. If she complains, she is complaining to your DP about it. I'd make it very clear that after a number of years of complaints from her about the gifts that you were involved in selecting for her, you've decided to hand over to DP and any and all gifts going forwards will be selected by him for her. If she doesn't get a gift - that's up to him, if she gets a gift and she doesn't like it - also see DP about that one.

You are stepping back and handing over the reins to DP about this.

I always think it's best to be gracious when someone gives a gift. But, some are more honest. There are often debates on here about whether you should say you aren't happy with what someone has given. The gift received can sometimes think the gift is a reflection of how much someone knows and understands them.

I like to feel like I have chosen the right gift. And would be upset if I haven't got the right thing to make that person happy. If the giver 'fails' several times, it's frustrating as the giver is also looking for some recognition that they 'got it right'.

MIL being constantly disappointed to me means she is saying 'you don't even know me or care to know what I like'

You (or DP) could ask her? This would improve your chances of 'getting it right'. No guarantees though. She may never like anything you buy her. If this is the case- you continue to give, with the understanding you won't get the feeling good factor of getting it right, or stop buying.

I would suggest to DP that as she isn't happy with the gifts being bought for her, that the money would be better put to use by buying goats or school equipment or chicks or a toilet or bees for someone who would be delighted to get any of these things. Pick a different item each Christmas/Birthday and when you've bought one of everything, go back and buy them again!

She not even your MIL if you are not married? Did you just say that goodness me we aren't not in the 1950s anymore.
The poster is asking us what to do regardless not what her family dynamics are within the law.
I honestly couldn't be bothered with MIL I'd get her nothing also.

Agree, step back and observe the behaviour like a social experiment.

Agree with a pp suggesting a gift token to charity. One perhaps to her favourite cause, or alternatively sponsor a loo (latrine) in a nominated African country. You can then print her out a personalised certificate to place in her loo. We sponsored one in Uganda when we had our downstairs loo done up.

A goat or chickens in Africa is the way to go for a total reset. I did this one year and my difficult-to-buy-for and quick-to-complain Mum was unimpressed, but complained less about gifts thereafter. An entry to a monthly draw for the whole year for Hospice is another good one. We have discovered my mum actually loves getting an Advent calendar, funnily enough: she loves getting a little something every day in December.

This really needs to be your H!s problem though. Put him in charge of his own side of the family completely.

But you don’t have to you are choosing to, you have agency. Especially with in laws, they aren’t relatives it’s just an accident of marriage.

in out house I do my side and DH does his. Fil and his gf assume that I do the presents thkugh because DH is man. Can’t possibly be responsible for presents. 🙄

this year DH has decided to sort fil out with a hearing test. This will go down well…..

My dad's wife is like that so I just gave him a box of biscuits and told him that I'm not buying anything else because I'm sick of her moaning. He appreciated them. She won't. Tough teabags!

MIL buys us utter crap like magnetic puzzles and dancing vegetables. We've told her not to bother but she doesn't so she can get a gift in return. To be fairl, she doesn't visit, only calls on the kids birthdays and when we visit her she can't wait to get rid of us. I've left it to DH to deal with her gift this year so I expect she's getting nothing lol

I never buy anything for MIL, DH gets all the presents for his family.

Love a ‘bingo’ game!! Sometimes they are what gets me through family events!

Get DH to ask her what she would like. As I have written in many posts I really, really get stressed out with too much stuff so at Christmas and birthdays my teenagers happily don't get me anything and I buy them presents and I help them get presents for their step mum and their dad. It's a non issue.
For Mother's Day they make me cups of tea which is what I would like from them. The older one doesn't live at home so for Mother's Day he knows I would like a phone call if possible or if not a text just to feel remembered. They understand that other people like thoughtful gifts and the gf of one of them has a lovely gift for Christmas so they are capable of buying gifts they just understand that I personally get stressed out by it so they don't do it.
If your mother in law is the same then it might save you time and money. I know people judge me for it a bit as I suppose it's a bit weird but it makes me happy not to get unwanted things and it's less hassle for them and less money wasted.

Agree with PP and get DP to sort his mother’s gift. Another suggestion is to ask her or FIL what she would want - maybe too late now for this year- as she is never happy with what you gift her. For what its worth OP your gifts sound lovely!

Thank you to who ever it was up thread who suggested the sloth tracking present! My friend's little boy will love this and I never know what to get him

What does your husband do? Leave it to him

https://uk-fh.org/product/pile-of-poo
😀😀😀😀

Sorry OP if this is in poor taste, but it's meant as a joke so apologies if I offend anyone

Was talking with my DH about your situation re MIL and presents. His suggestion for her was a Gift Voucher for Dignitas ! 🫨🤣

But please don't be offended my DH has a very particular sense of humour 🫣

I no longer buy gifts for extended family members. Especially the ungrateful ones! I've told them I'm donating the money to charity instead, and they can moan all they like. I'm not in the business of upsetting people for the sake of it, but to be honest, I just don't have room in my life for people who are ungrateful for anything I do for them and, when it comes to spending money, its outrageous that people complain. It's rude and grossly disrespectful. You are not being unreasonable at all. She is the one who is being unreasonable, and I would just say 'you've never liked anything I ever put a lot of thought into, so I'm stopping. I give up. I hope you understand that I don't have money to throw away on presents you never like. I'm donating it to charity instead.' But, I do have to say, that might not be an easy thing for a lot of people. Relationships with inllaws can be tricky, but I have reached a point in life where I don't care if people are upset with me, for reasons THEY have to take responsibility for! I'm never nasty, but I'm firm. In that, I no longer care if I rock someone's boat. I'm more interested in making my life as low-stress, and free of toxic people, as I possibly can. It's okay to get to that point in life, in fact I think we have to, in order to stay sane.💛

I agree with leaving it to your DH, her son.

Maybe he should just give her the money or a voucher if she’s so picky?

Dancing vegetables? 😂OMG that is hilarious! Honestly, you have to see the funny side of that. Otherwise you'd just go mad.😂

Get her a bear trap