He doesn’t see I’m more tired

[Chronicallytired]

Before having a baby I discussed my worries about having chronic fatigue from a few oF my illnesses. Before I was pregnant I would sleep long stretch at night and often nap in the day. I would sometimes fall asleep anywhere like the car cinema on a friends sofa at my mil house. I would just wake up and realise I had nodded off embarrassingly. He reassured me that it would be ok.that he would be helping etc. my partner does help with the nights and we do half each but I’m exhausted I can’t sleep during the day either as baby won’t nap very well. Unless in the pram walking or laying on me. Last week I accidentally fell asleep with baby on me as he was napping I woke up really shaken and upset luckily my sister popped over but she works can’t always help. Partner sees our tiredness as the same if he’s tired it’s the same as if I’m tired. It’s really bugging me that he won’t except that I’m more tired than him. The lack of sleep is making me grumpy and struggle during the day as by the afternoon I’m having to power through. My partner works full time but is home a lot to help but not enough for me to sleep. Baby is also going through a screaming phase so napping at home isn’t peaceful. I feel really stupid for having a baby I wouldn’t change him for a thing though and couldn’t imagine my life with out him. I’m thinking of ways I could nap and thinking maybe a mothers help a few afternoons a week is this something they would do.

Sounds really hard going but please do try and avoid turning it into a competition. Doesn't matter what he feels about his own tiredness and yours. What do you actually want him to do? Focus on that.
You say he is home a lot and parents (I don't agree with "helping out"! Let's just call it what it is - he is being a parent). What more would you ideally like him to do for you? Does he need to work less? Is it financially feasible?

Can you afford nursery?

What illnesses do you have? Is treatment helping at all?

Who is more tired is the worst argument, it's pointless and divisive, and doesn't help the situation.
I would ask him to take the baby out for an hour or two as soon as he gets home so you can sleep
It doesn't last forever, but helping each other is way more effective than making someone say you have it worse than them

I am more tired than you is a petty and childish competition.

Competitive tiredness is pointless and isn’t good for anyone, tired is tired. Me being more tired than my husband doesn’t make him feel any less tired, it’s hard with a baby, my daughter is 8 months now and one of the things we agreed on from day 1 was never to complain to each other about being tired because it doesn’t help and the reality is we both are.

It’s easy to always think the other person has it better or easier but honestly that’s not helpful or even necessarily true. Focus on practical things, for example is it possible for you to have an hour to have a nap when he gets home and then you take over so he can have a nap? In the early days with our daughter when we were both home we would take it in turns to have a quick power nap in the afternoon/evening.

If he works I'm not sure how he could help you with having naps in the day. I would say follow the advice for safely co sleeping in bed and then you can actually sleep when the baby sleeps. As long as you don't drink or smoke and the baby isn't premature then it can be safe - definitely safer than falling asleep on the sofa with them. I completely understand the struggle not being able to sleep if your baby likes contact napping, so this is the only way I can see that you might be able to do it

So you knew you had sleep issues before having a baby now you are acting like one by competing 'i am more tired than you'

You absolutely need a mother's help if you can afford one. I had a 19 year old who was studying childcare at the local tech come in for parts of most days. Sometimes she had the baby, sometimes she did housework. Baby loved her and I got to rest when I needed to.

As above, the 'who is more tired' competition will never be won and just breeds resentment. Give it up.

instead, channel thoughts into practical ways to help yourself. Working on getting baby to nap in cot/moses basket will give you space to nap in the day - often babies need some training or support to get them used to this, so work on that. Try different methods and see what sticks (you do need to try for more than one occassion of course!) - swaddling, white noise, RockIt rocker tool thing to give movement, gradual retreat, patting baby whilst they lie in bed, dummy for comfort etc.. It will be time well spent if the end result is that in a few weeks' time you manage to have a couple of free hours per day to nap whilst baby naps.

He’s allowed to also be tired, which I’m sure he is if he’s doing half the nights then working the next day. I totally get that you have health issues and he doesn’t but don’t go down that road because nothing good will come of turning into a competition. Instead of fighting with each other, remember you’re a team and focus on the practicalities of how to make sure you get more sleep. Regular childcare e.g. a mother’s help or babysitter is a great idea if you can afford it. You could also try a rockit for the pram if baby likes movement and have that going in the living room whilst you sleep on the sofa. Or safe cosleeping. Sleep training when the baby is old enough could also be an option.

From experience op the whole whose more tired argument is pointless and will only erode the relationship away. You'll both be tired, yes you will be more tired but he's also likely to be the most tired he's ever been so he's unlikely to admit it's worse for you. It's bad for all involved. You need to work as a team instead to find a solution to a hard part of parenting. I really feel for you so please understand this message comes from a place of advice 😊

Cut yourself some slack. Your body has been through a hugely traumatic experience and is adjusting to less rest. It is my belief that after you give birth your sleep is never the same again. As a bonded mumma you are programmed to be on high alert for your little ones needs at all times and that's a good thing.
Your partner is probably exhausted too. It's a hard phase in life. If you are concerned that rest is not restoring your energy levels, maybe explain it to him as just that. "I'm worried that rest is not giving me energy and am not sure what to do about it?" Have you spoken to your doctor and had your iron levels checked? I would be starting there. You could also be a little post natal. To my knowledge deppression of any kind can be exhausting in itself. X

I agree with this.

I’m not saying to him I’m more tired that you I’m just saying I’m tired when both speak about how we feel. I assumed due to what we had spoken about that he would be picking up more night time feedings or taking baby out to let me have a quick nap. He currently isn’t and when I mentioned it he just says he’s tired too. I’m often at home with a crying baby during the day having to keep myself awake. I’m currently looking for some help so that I can nap maybe twice a week. I’ve fallen asleep twice now holding the baby. I do co sleep if I can but he screams and although I’m exhausted I can’t leave him screaming. I’m also on new pain meds which can make me feel sleepy so I’ve stopped taking them when im alone which isn’t helping. Husband does a hobby twice a week and keeps telling me I should do the same but I’m so exhausted all I want to do is sleep but baby scrams and partner can’t really take baby out in the dark to let me nap.

My iron is always low but I take tablets now I lost a lot of blood during birth and then had an infection after birth and was hospitalised partner also had to go back to work 1 day after I came home from hospital due to being self employed. We can probably just about afford some small help but it will be tight. I feel very stupid for thinking I could cope with the sleep but a baby definitely sucks the energy out of you even if are sleeping

But you’ve said he already does half of the night. Do you really think he should do more than that and then go to work the next day?

You need to advertise for a mother’s help asap - try the local colleges. In the meantime. Your oh can take the baby for an hour when he gets home from work and you can sleep then.

He’s does half the night but has an easy ish job he’s home a lot at the moment but when baby’s home there’s crying and I can’t sleep when baby cry’s. Baby also only likes to settle on me at the moment. I’m also resentful to the fact he rings me or I ring him and he’s sat alone in the office having his lunch and watching the football when I’m holding a crying baby who won’t let me eat a sandwich for 5 seconds. We discussed me coping with a baby before I was pregnant and he said he would make sure I had time too rest a bit but I don’t. I’ve also feel like a bad mum when I can’t play with him as I don’t have the energy. I struggled to bond with him in the early days as I was so exhausted and alone was pumping and partner couldn’t help much at night. I also gave up pumping so I could sleep more which helped but I feel really sad I couldn’t carry on and regret stopping.

He does.

He just doesn't care.

Because it's easier for HIM if YOU do it all.

Can’t you say to him you’d like him to take the baby out of the house for an hour when he gets home so you can rest?

Babies can totally go out in the dark in winter - they can be driven to the supermarket and pushed up and down the aisles to look at things, for a start. If the baby is snug in a coat, hat and sleep-sack type arrangement in a buggy they can even go for a walk outdoors.

Why don’t you think about it then set out what you want him to do?

He does half the night feeds, which in all fairness, is ok if he’s working.

Would you prefer him to come home in his lunch hour/break so you can rest? It’s unreasonable to be cross with him eating his sandwich and watching his phone on his break, it’s what most of us do.

If he’s ‘home a lot already’ is he not helping in that time? Maybe get some ear plugs?

Competitive tiredness is futile. It just rubs people up the wrong way. He’s likely tired doing half the night feeds and then working all day, even doing an ‘easy’ job.

The plan was that he has his hobby and I have mine I’m so exhausted and unwell at times I just want to rot in bed for 1.5 hours instead of going out in the evenings for a hobby I don’t have. We agreed I would have my 1.5 hours twice a week too and that I could rest but baby cries non stop in the evenings and I can’t sleep even with ear plugs. Have suggested he go out but he’s saying that I should be going out not him and baby so I don’t get a break as I can’t ignore my crying baby. I even said make my 15 hours the weekend instead so that you can take him during the day not at night. He says he can’t take baby out in the dark.

No, you’ve jumped to a lazy knee jerk response without reading what she’s actually said. He does half the nights and works full time. She isn’t doing it all, they’re both pitching in.

OP, why is your baby crying so much? You haven’t said how old they are, is it wind, reflux, teething?

See I do think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect him to go out with the baby after work every time, but he can look after baby in the house while you have your break upstairs or out of the house.

If my husband was telling me to take the baby out on an evening after I’ve been out all day at work I’d say no, maybe from time to time yes but it’s cold, dark, yeah I could take my baby for a walk for an hour and a half or to the shops at night but I don’t want to and especially if I’d been out at work all day I wouldn’t be doing that.