He doesn’t see I’m more tired

[Chronicallytired]

Before having a baby I discussed my worries about having chronic fatigue from a few oF my illnesses. Before I was pregnant I would sleep long stretch at night and often nap in the day. I would sometimes fall asleep anywhere like the car cinema on a friends sofa at my mil house. I would just wake up and realise I had nodded off embarrassingly. He reassured me that it would be ok.that he would be helping etc. my partner does help with the nights and we do half each but I’m exhausted I can’t sleep during the day either as baby won’t nap very well. Unless in the pram walking or laying on me. Last week I accidentally fell asleep with baby on me as he was napping I woke up really shaken and upset luckily my sister popped over but she works can’t always help. Partner sees our tiredness as the same if he’s tired it’s the same as if I’m tired. It’s really bugging me that he won’t except that I’m more tired than him. The lack of sleep is making me grumpy and struggle during the day as by the afternoon I’m having to power through. My partner works full time but is home a lot to help but not enough for me to sleep. Baby is also going through a screaming phase so napping at home isn’t peaceful. I feel really stupid for having a baby I wouldn’t change him for a thing though and couldn’t imagine my life with out him. I’m thinking of ways I could nap and thinking maybe a mothers help a few afternoons a week is this something they would do.

What the fuck, is he afraid of the dark? Does he know that in Nordic countries, it's dark half the damn time?
If he is afraid, you can get a set of string lights that go around the buggy so it's lit up, cars can see him, and it might interest the baby too!
You need your sleep, it needs to be quiet, so he needs to grow up and take the baby out, even if the baby cries a bit.

I appreciate you've said your iron levels are low (I assume you do something about that) but what chronic illnesses is it that you have that mean you fall asleep during the day without trying?

See no I really disagree with this, he’s working full time and doing half the nights, he doesn’t have to also spend an hour and a half after work wandering around in the dark and cold pushing a buggy. I wouldn’t agree to do that every time either and neither would my husband.

I’m also resentful to the fact he rings me or I ring him and he’s sat alone in the office having his lunch and watching the football when I’m holding a crying baby who won’t let me eat a sandwich for 5 seconds

Sounds harsh but that's your problem, what's he supposed to do, give up his job because you're finding it harder than you thought?

OP, as a new mother with chronic fatigue and chronic pain:

Get a mother's helper, at least 2-3 mornings a week. I have mine 4 mornings. I hand her the baby and go to bed and sleep. I would not survive without that time, even with an involved husband.

As others have said its not about who is more tired. It is about what you need. I've read your posts and I'm not quite sure why you can't just leave your baby with your husband even if he is crying. Your baby is safe with his dad. You don't need to step in. You need to let go when you get given a break.

I'd strongly encourage you to make time and energy for your hobby. You need to fill your cup with more than just sleep. Make sure you are still seeing friends (with or without baby). I find seeing friends and doing something fun gives me energy. Even if its just baby cinema on a Wednesday.

Go for a short walk every day and try and see some nature

Take your painkillers - being in pain will wipe you out. Taking the right painkillers will give you energy eventually. Talk to your GP if you need to change prescription.

You are sounding a bit burnt out. Can you talk to your health visitor or GP about how you are managing? It's hard having a baby and health issues. Also your hormones will be crashing al over the place. I had a terrible 2 weeks 12-14 weeks after giving birth where I was incredibly low. Your hormones take 2 full years to settle after childbirth.

It is an amazing and exhausting thing to carry and give birth to and care for a baby. Be kind to yourself xxx

I think the main thing here is that you don't have any more children regardless what assurances your DP gives, and you just focus on surviving the next few years until your baby is going to nursery and you can rest more.

We don't know what health conditions you have but it sounds as if your DP pulls his weight and realistically you just don't have the energy to deal with the inevitable demands of parenthood.

Unless baby is comfier out, then baby should be home. If your husband works full time then he will need to sleep at night. Unless baby is not sleeping at all, why can't you nap when baby naps? I know it's right weird but babies don't really have a day/night cycle. Assuming you aren't working or looking after older children, surely you can go with baby's wake/sleep cycles. Husband can't if he has work hours which don't fit.

It’s not a competition your partner’s tiredness is just as valid as your tiredness. Having a baby is tiring.

You have a baby, you do half the nights each, you’re both tired. I don’t think you can say you’re more tired than him as you don’t know. It sounds like he’s already doing a lot of he’s doing half the nights, helping out other times and working. Yes, having a baby is tiring. Get the mothers help if you think you need it.

To be fair it sounds like he is doing a fair bit while working full time. I can imagine you are both tired!

It's okay if you are not coping though and you need to find some alternatives. Get mothers help if you can afford it.

I don't think sending him out in the dark with the baby is a solution.

What chronic health conditions do you have? Maybe someone will have some more tailored advice.

Having a baby is so tough and sleep deprivation is awful - my toddler is 18 months old and still doesn't sleep through the night and wakes up a lot, so I understand how tired you feel. But it is a phase and it will pass (I hope ). In the meantime, try to outsource as much help as you can afford.

Your husband is doing his fair share. If you are struggling to manage you need to employ help.

Once your baby is past the napping in the day stage you’re going to have to find ways to manage whether that’s by employing help at home or looking at a nursery placement.

What are you doing to manage your CFS? If you need more support with that, you should ask for referral to a specialist service.

I sympathise with you but firstly this sounds very normal even without the chronic conditions. I was overwhelmed, exhausted falling asleep feeding baby, feelings of envy and 'oh my god what have I done' etc etc. Dh tried to do lots to help but also had a ft time job and needed to function mentally for that as well. I would suggest to some excellent ear plugs so you can sleep when dh is home and looking after the baby. Maybe consider nursery for one or two days a week to give you a break.n

Could you try some ear plugs to help you sleep while they’re still in the house? It sounds like that’s the main issue rather than your partner not doing enough

A few suggestions from me. Short term:

Do you have any family who can support you even once a week for a few hours? They can look after the baby and you sleep solidly for a few hours.

Get some noise cancelling headphones and use them
Try to get used to not listening out for the baby when you know your dh is looking after them. Get some rest.

In the longer term try to get a really good nap and sleep routine in place, even if you have to pay for a sleep consultant. A solid nighttime sleep will really help you.

Look after yourself op and ask for help when you need it.

I don’t think your husband should be expected to take the baby out at night after a full days work so you can sleep. You need to learn to take a step back and let your husband parent. Invest in some noise cancelling sleeping headphones (think there’s one called snoozeband) for your naps.

In fairness to your husband, it really sounds like he’s pulling his weight.

Exactly this. Ridiculous to think he should go and walk around in this miserable weather so the op can nap. She needs to leave the house.

But OPs not doing it all, he’s doing half the nights and going to work

But surely any decent person would if their partner had a chronic illness and desperately needed that hour to rest in order to continue to function safely?!

What a ridiculous statement.
How on earth do you measure tiredness ?

Do you have diagnosed ME/CFS?
What treatment are you having?

If so, your h is being a dick. He knew how much you needed to sleep before having a baby.

He should be stepping up and taking the baby as much as possible so you can rest. Agree he should take baby outside so you can't hear baby.

Tell him what you need.

Do you have a car? If so go out when hubby comes home, put the radio on, cover yourself with a blanket and sleep for a bit in the driveway. If you drive go for a quick spin to a local carpark that has loads of ppl around and do the same, that way you are out of reach and hubby has to cope. Lock the doors, set your phone and crash out.

When you say you each do half the nights - what does this look like?

Taking turns in the same night getting up didn't work for us. We switched to 1 night each (just on weekends, I did all weekdays whilst on mat leave) I quickly learned to tune out when it wasn't "my night" and slept through mostly.

Honestly he is doing half the night and also working full time. I think you need to find out why baby is crying all the time. Also sleeping with baby on you is perfectly fine. Honestly there is nothing wrong with that. just put pillows around yourself. Unless you are a drunk or on drugs your wont hurt your baby. Also it is ridiculous to have both of you not getting sleep. Id let hubby sleep and then get him to let you have a nap during the day. I don't doubt your drained and tired. But your going to have to find solutions. I had a baby with colic. He had to sleep on a raised surface for his comfort.

Ahh I feel your pain but you really can’t ask your DH to do a full day at work, half the nights and then to go out the house for a couple of hours in this crappy dark weather.

Things that work to drown out baby crying are to shut all doors to the room, earplugs and white noise on loud. Being exhausted actually helps as your body will just eventually give in.

Knock breastfeeding on the head. I’m surprised you chose to do it when you need more sleep than the average person but it’s done now and you gave your baby a great start. Do you have a spare room? Might be worth getting DH to move into that room and split the nightshifts into DH doing 6-12 and you doing 12-5 or so.

Re him saying you should be going out- you're telling him you want and need to nap, then he should be helping you make that happen.

There's plenty of time in the the future for you to pursue a hobby, but in order to look after yourself and baby you need to sleep.

It does get better but it's terribly hard and you need more support. Can he take a break in the day so you can sleep then? And I wouldn't be so transactional, you might need a nap more than twice a week and he should be trying to help you with this.