He doesn’t see I’m more tired

[Chronicallytired]

Before having a baby I discussed my worries about having chronic fatigue from a few oF my illnesses. Before I was pregnant I would sleep long stretch at night and often nap in the day. I would sometimes fall asleep anywhere like the car cinema on a friends sofa at my mil house. I would just wake up and realise I had nodded off embarrassingly. He reassured me that it would be ok.that he would be helping etc. my partner does help with the nights and we do half each but I’m exhausted I can’t sleep during the day either as baby won’t nap very well. Unless in the pram walking or laying on me. Last week I accidentally fell asleep with baby on me as he was napping I woke up really shaken and upset luckily my sister popped over but she works can’t always help. Partner sees our tiredness as the same if he’s tired it’s the same as if I’m tired. It’s really bugging me that he won’t except that I’m more tired than him. The lack of sleep is making me grumpy and struggle during the day as by the afternoon I’m having to power through. My partner works full time but is home a lot to help but not enough for me to sleep. Baby is also going through a screaming phase so napping at home isn’t peaceful. I feel really stupid for having a baby I wouldn’t change him for a thing though and couldn’t imagine my life with out him. I’m thinking of ways I could nap and thinking maybe a mothers help a few afternoons a week is this something they would do.

Sorry that you are struggling, but I think you are being unreasonable and unfair to your partner. He already does half the nights, thats more than most Dads. I think it's crazy unreasonable to expect him to take the baby out of the house in the evenings - especially when baby is crying so much. My youngest had a phase where he would have periods of inconsolable crying even whilst we tried everything to soothe him and it was awful, his doctors advice was to take him into a dark room to try and keep him calm, the thought of trying to take him out of the house when it wasn't for his benefit during that stage would have been an absolute nightmare.
You definitely need to find a way to get more rest but your partner is already helping as much as he can by the sounds of it.

I would hazard a guess that most of the people replying here don't have a chronic illness that causes extreme fatigue! Of course you can be more tired than someone healthy. When my husband complains he's really tired, he's still capable of going for a run or playing football if he wants to. When I say I'm exhausted it means I'm in a ton of pain and can barely stand up for more than a minute or two.

If you can afford it, look into getting a mother's help for a few hours as many days as you can, then you can rest properly. I would also look into safe co sleeping so you can ideally nap with your baby when they sleep.

Also. Can you get your iron levels checked again? Mine were low for years but always just above the cut off so the gp never said anything about it. It's only after reading posts on here that I realised that it might be a problem. Taking higher doses of iron supplements and being careful about how I take them has made a huge difference.

And what about the partner also functioning safely when out all day at work and doing half the nights?

It’s shit, but everyone is tired. I was exhausted when my baby was tiny and not sleeping, I absolutely couldn’t have also walked around for half an hour in the dark and rain every night.

He’s not being a dick, he’s also tired after working all day & doing half the nights!

I was exhausted when our baby was younger, my husband having a chronic condition wouldn’t have suddenly given me any extra energy with which to walk around in the dark for 2 hours at night so he could sleep. It’s shit, it’s hard, but it’s hard for everyone.

Tiredness is relative, we’ve all got different thresholds.

My partner has a variety of health conditions, some of which cause exhaustion and chronic pain. He takes longer to arrive at exhausted than I do, because he can “bare” more before it hits. His body has adjusted because his base levels are higher.

He lives in pain, so if you were using a numbered system he wouldn’t even complain until he arrived at 6/7, where I’d be whinging as soon as it arrived.

“More tired” is an unfair way to phrase it, you’re working at different levels in different bodies.

Competitive tiredness is a miserable path to go down and won’t help anyone.

At the moment, on paper-it looks like he is doing a full time job and half is the nights, which is fair. I wouldn’t expect my husband to turn out in the dark with a baby when he got in from work, but he used the take the baby whilst I went and got in the bath. Can you put earplugs in and go and have a doze?

I don’t know many people (a couple of high earners who inherited a house!) who could afford for only one of them to work and to also have paid help, but you might be one of those lucky ones! Talk to your husband about it-how much are your ingoings/outgoings and what’s left-how much do they cost and is it doable? Would you want them to take the baby out of the house whilst you sleep?

@Chronicallytired it's really hard - and especially hard for you. It's going to be hard, accept it. Plans made before baby appeared about hobbies or anything really may have to change in the short term for both of you - it's worth it.

Have you talked to your health visitor about accessing whatever you can?

I'll try some suggestions in case any help.

1. Safe co--sleeping; you and baby in a double bed with bed guards and keep the duvet up to your hips so baby can't get caught in it. Nap like this for every nap and at night; baby gets to curl into a cuddle and stops yelling.
2. How old exactly is the baby, is teething an issue and being medicated sufficiently?
3. You will both be very tired; you being unwell does not mean your DH is not tired. Try to empathise along with the "me too" instead of competitive tiredness, though also be aware most couples with a baby have some level of "no I'm MORE tired" bickering at some stage.
4. Saturday and Sunday morning alternate lie-in, the other must keep baby quiet or go out. That one fully rested morning is the rock you can both rely on. The one not doing the morning gets 1-2 hours nap in the afternoon. Yes, you won't be doing much exciting stuff like this, but you'll both catch up a bit on sleep.
5. A childminder may be better than mother's help, so that the baby is not fussing for you in the house. If that's what you need, then arrange it.
6. Nap with the baby, really do it - you may as well.
7. Don't have more babies if you feel this drained with one.

@Chronicallytired Have you actually been diagnosed with ME/Chronic fatigue? Because I was where you are (non - child related) and after years, I was diagnosed with not one but 2 sleep disorders. I wasn't aware that I had them and would have told you that I slept well, because I had had, what I thought was an unbroken nnights sleep! Treatment for both has given me back my life.

I understand entirely, how difficult it is to stay awake, even without a baby or small child in the house, and unless you have been there, people won't understand there is a difference between what you are dealing with and 'normal tiredness.

Of course, as everyone else has pointed out, having a baby is always going to make you extra tired, and there isn't much you can do about that bit, but even if you have been diagnosed with Chronic fatigue, I would be asking your GP for a referral to your nearest NHS Sleep clinic. You will need to be careful and tell them it has always been a big problem- well before the baby came along - otherwise they will just assume that you are extra tired, due to the baby

I do think that at the moment your partner sounds as if he's doing his best, though when He is working full time. And your baby will stop screaming eventually, but maybe see if you can work out what is making him screaming.

Good luck

I think this situation needs money spent, unfortunately.

I totally understand your tiredness is over and above what’s normal due to health conditions. Also that it’s dangerous to keep falling asleep holding the baby.

That said, your husband also does need some rest and sleep because he’s not an inexhaustible resource just because you are unwell.

Nursery/ CM/ mothers help could all be options - or I don’t know if you’re past the point/ age of baby where a maternity nurse could be the answer?

Sound advice there. The ‘lie-in each’ at weekends saved our marriage when ours were small!