To no longer consider GPs feelings at Christmas time?

[HumbugsGoingBah]

I know, that sounds nasty, but I’m pissed off.

A few years ago my DH and I decided that whilst GPs are still around, we’d better stay put for Christmas as circumstances on both sides meant it fell on us to do Christmas. So, no lunch out (as we’d have to pay for it all), no holidaying it away. Let’s just say crappy siblings on both sides, plus both sets of parents got upset about not seeing our DC on Christmas Day. At times I’ve hosted both sets for 2-3 nights and DHs siblings and been exhausted from all the work.

Anyway, last Christmas one set came to stay, and the other set said they were, but then got a better offer from one of our siblings. So they cancelled days before.

This year, one set again said they were coming and only told me yesterday they weren’t. I now have to get everyone’s presents together and take them over before Christmas (despite working all the time till 25th) because they said they’ll have nothing to open and will be upset.

The other set is going away and told us they aren’t doing presents.

OK, so of course everyone can do what they like. However we’ve got such grief about GPs being upset if they can’t stay for days on end to see the DGC, that Christmas is about family, if you can’t put yourself out on this one day etc. usually at time, effort and cost to me. My Christmas is always sacrificed.

Last year I had 2 weeks off, I could’ve gone away.

So, AIBU to say they’ve changed the set up, and from now on I’m doing what we want to do?

Just order something online that has a gift wrapping option or is a hamper or something and have it sent to them, then you don't have to waste your time or see them.

From now on you have carte Blanche to do whatever you like! Enjoy!

I’ve never seen a better reason to buy someone a Unicef Donkey or a bicycle for a midwife in Angola. And absolutely - now - while you remember the nuances of the situation - let them know that you will be making your own plans next year.

They're presumably retired and have free time, so if they want to have presents to open then they can come and get them! 'Sorry, I am too tied up with work'. Serves them right for mucking you about.

I'd also be looking for last minute bargain holidays - as @Justsayit123 says, you've probably got fewer years of having a magical Christmas with your children being small (rather than teenagers who want to spend half the holiday in the pub with friends), so go for it!

They'll be upset because they won't have anything to open? Tell them to grow the fuck up!

Let them arrange to collect presents if they must have them.

Tell them they can collect their presents next time they’re in the area.

Them book Lapland for next year.

All you have to do is say that you are working up to 25th so can't get presents to them before the day but they or your sibling are welcome to collect beforehand or to come for Boxing Day tea and have them then.

Grey rock any sulking (don't rise to it. Stay calm and unemotional and repeat boring facts - 'I am working that day. I can't, I am working.' If they play emotional guilt trips don't respond to this at all, act as though they hadn't. Stay pleasant, quite cheerful and cut the conversation short because... you're working!

The level of emotional manipulation from extended family on various posts at the moment regarding Christmas plans is unreal! Set your boundaries and remind them about this year and last year if they try and make a fuss again.

Your post is reminding me of a quote that is something like 'when people show you what they are really like, believe them'. You offered a lot and they let you down, so it sounds absolutely fair that you restate the boundaries. Good luck and have a great Christmas!

I would tell them that there are no physical presents to deliver as you've donated a toilet on their behalf this Christmas.

I get guilted every year with the 'it's the one day of the year that GP's shouldn't be on their own'. BUT these are their requirements:
They won't drive.
They won't host.
They won't stay overnight.

YANBU. And tell the lot who want their presents that they can come and fetch them themselves.

I’m actually just sick of some of the behaviour we have to put up with from the grandparents on both sides.

One set are going on holiday because they are in a huff over not being paid enough attention from their DC. They tend to punish them when they aren’t happy about something. They won’t tell you what they aren’t happy about though. The no presents and going away is a punishment for something we’ve done, but we don’t know what.

The other act like babies over not getting the presents they want, and general hand wringing over, we don’t want to be alone over Christmas, woe is me, but then don’t want to make any effort when invited.

I’m tired of the games. I’m not upset if they don’t come or feel guilt over it, I’m just pissed off that I’ve sucked up some pretty shit Christmases and I didn’t need to. I’m not doing it again and I don’t care who spits their dummy out.

Op, I'd be so pissed off too. Tell both sets of inlaws now that next year you're going away for Xmas and new year. So they have plenty of warning to make other plans. Would have been nice if they did the same for you so you could plan something nice!

Does that mean you have Xmas this year just your dh and kids? Is it too late to book a meal out for the day?

A few weeks back there was a thread about a family that refuse to invite or see others for Xmas. I thought they were pretty selfish as their mother and father died without getting to spend one Xmas with their grandchildren. But these selfish people have had the exact Xmas they have wanted for years. It sounds like you've never had a good Xmas and your children's years as children are going fast without you getting to enjoy it. I think you definitely need to be selfish from now on. They've both had their family Xmases with you. Now's the time to say it's been enough.

Try and enjoy your own version of Xmas from now on.

Cancelling you at the last minute because basically they got a better offer, gives you carte Blanche to do exactly what you want from now on. So do something for yourselves.

I wouldn’t go out of my way to get presents to them. I would get them and say they are here for you to collect and see the grandkids at the same time as you won’t be seeing them this year

then after Christmas so Jan 25 I would send a note to both sets saying that this Christmas you are going away so won’t be hosting

OP your comment of 'sucking up some pretty shit Christmases' really stuck a chord with me. I had such a shit Christmas last year, tying myself up in knots accommodating GPs who made the whole day as miserable as possible for my kids. I bought food that GPs wanted, did a 50 mile pick up trip, cooked lunch, bought presents, couldn't drink only to be told how uncomfortable the chairs were, how cold they were (the house was like furnace with the oven on) and how they 'couldn't possibly eat all that food'. It was when my kids retreated to their rooms after lunch that I decided I couldn't tolerate such a shit Christmas for my kids sake. I put my coat on and grabbed the car keys and told them it was time to go as I wasn't driving another 50 miles in the dark. Something snapped that day - they bought nothing, contributed nothing, made no effort and made my family's day miserable. Never again - I simply will not have my kids enduring another shit Christmas day.

God they all sound horrific! @HumbugsGoingBah You poor thing!

Do your own thing this year, and then next year go away all over Christmas and New Year, (or just stay home and don't see any of them!)

Why are some grandparents like this? I don't have grandchildren, but if I ever do, I can't see myself ever being like this. I fucking hope I'm not anyway!

If my DC and their children (if/when they have them) want to do their own thing at Christmas, DH and I will be happy to see them 22nd-23rd for a few hours, and then in the New Year.

My mom used to make me feel like shit if I even suggested not seeing her and my dad on Christmas day (to stay for 2-3 hours.) I NEVER want to make my DC feel like she made me feel if I didn't do what she wanted, with her snarky, passive-aggressive attitude if I dared to even THINK about rebelling!

.

Absolutely moving forward you do what suits your own nuclear family. Both sets sound horrid.

Why do they get to dictate what you do with your children on Christmas day? No-one is entitled to see your children on Christmas day. They aren't bothered about seeing you? Do what you want. See them another time.

I would make a plan for this Christmas today and then stick to it.
ie. on Christmas Eve we are doing this, this and this.
On Christmas Day we will be staying at home as a family.
On Boxing Day we will visit X relative and Y friend.
Whatever you want to do.
Once you've got that plan in place you can decide when you want to take the presents round to the lot who aren't away.

And then in February I would book a holiday for next Christmas so you finally get to do what you want to do and once it's booked that means you won't be hosting any grandparents and you won't be changing your plans. Booking early while you still remember how much theyve pissed you off this year means you won't have a chance to forget or think it's not that bad or whatever which might happen if you put off booking until say July.

Definitely start pleasing your own immediate family - sounds like someone should.

Tell them now that you are going away next year.

Usually I am on the side of making an effort with extended family at Christmas. But in this case, I would tell them that, since they cancelled at short notice, you were not planning a trip to theirs and do not have time. If they want to drop by they can pick them up, otherwise, you will get them to you when you see them.

I too thought you were talking about doctors at first!

I think you should do what you want for Christmas going forward.