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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to adopt my daughter?

51 replies

TheGhostsOfMeAndYou · 09/12/2024 23:05

Myself and my husband have been together 8 years. I have a 12 year old daughter with my first husband.

My first marriage ended when my daughter was 3 due to physical and emotional abuse. My daughter's dad doesn't pay maintenance and hasn't seen my daughter in 5 years.

I met my currant husband when my daughter was 4 and a half, he moved in in 2020 and my daughters dad doesn't started calling him dad, this wasn't instigated by either myself or my new husband. It was her idea.

We got married this year and now we would all like my husband to adopt my daughter. This comes from my daughter and both myself and my husband would like this. I'd like the security of knowing if something happened to me my daughter would be taken care of by someone who loves her, who she loves and would be able to stay in her home and not be disrupted at what would already be a traumatic time.

My ex husband wouldn't be agreeable to this. I don't know if I am being truly unreasonable and out of order and what my next steps need to be.

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 09/12/2024 23:08

Your ex will need to give permission or the court will need to agree that there's a reason why it's not needed - very unlikely to be agreed

Bringonchristmas36 · 09/12/2024 23:11

Can you pursue for maintenance? May cause him to relinquish parental rights for

JohnofWessex · 09/12/2024 23:13

Its simpler for him to apply for parental rights which does not sever your daughters link with her father which may be important if she ever stands to inherit anything from her father or his family

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 23:14

As I understand it, you need her father’s permission. The state won’t terminate a biological parent’s parental rights without significant cause,

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 23:19

Get proper legal advice.
I’m not sure the suggestions I’m seeing here are correct.

Women’s Aid might be able to point you in the right direction.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/12/2024 23:20

If he won't let him adopt then you can still apply for your DH to have parental
Responsibility now you're married which makes him
An equally parent

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/12/2024 23:56

One thing that I found out when ex and I discussed this with social services (eldest two's father would have cheerfully agreed if it meant no more CM payable) was that you technically have to adopt her too.

So you both have to pass all the SS investigations etc and then adoption goes through and she gets an adoption certificate that replaces her birth certificate with you named as her adoptive mother.

We didnt do it as it seemed a lot to go through just to share a name and despite splitting up since, ex still treats me eldest two as his own, they are named in his will equally to our joint children and have just as close a relationship with him.

ETA.... this was 20 odd years ago, so obviously you need to check, but it really isnt as simple as signing a bit of paper.

Trumptonagain · 10/12/2024 00:23

Years ago when my friend married her DH wanted to adopt her DC and I remember having to go to the solicitors office with them as a witness.
Her DC's biological father also had to be there to give consent and sign all the paperwork needed to make the adoption legal.

Endofyear · 10/12/2024 00:51

I think her biological father would have to give permission. You should seek legal advice.

Carrot678 · 10/12/2024 02:07

The advice is correct - child's father would have to agree. Many step parent adoptions don't go anywhere during to this.

It is not correct that you would have to adopt your own daughter if you did get agreement. Not sure what that was about 20 years ago.

user942557 · 10/12/2024 02:12

If he's not going to agree then there's little point even trying to pursue this.

It does seem a little early potentially.

Your dc's father has had contact for more than half her life. Your met your husband and her father still continued contact for a further 3 years.

I'd put something in my will.

Mouswife · 10/12/2024 02:13

if you start this ball rolling you’ll bring ex back into the picture and he may go for court ordered contact. I would leave things as they are, don’t poke the hornets nest

Toomuch2019 · 10/12/2024 06:17

As someone who was the child in this situation, adoption is just admin.

What really matters is how you are treated and if you "feel" like someone's daughter.

My mum didn't pursue adoption I the end because of my biological father. But she did change my name to align with her married name to dad. And I just always called him and felt like he was dad from that point..

I would agree with not poking the beast and focus on your daughters experience

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2024 06:52

Bringonchristmas36 · 09/12/2024 23:11

Can you pursue for maintenance? May cause him to relinquish parental rights for

This is perhaps not a bad idea. If you choose not to, your dd can change her name as soon as she’s 16 without her father’s consent if that’s what she chooses to do.

jeaux90 · 10/12/2024 07:03

I would just get a CAO in place to ensure you have full rights if you don't already. It's a good test to see if your ex is interested in any access, he will have to agree to the CAO.

What do you think will happen if he doesn't adopt her?

I'd just make your will clear, if her father hasn't been in her life for years I doubt he'll step up if you die.

I always think these things are a bit absurd if I'm honest and I'm a lone parent, so I do understand the worry.

healthybychristmas · 10/12/2024 07:10

There is absolutely no way I would agree to this. What if you split up? What if he isn't the man you think he is? He would have equal rights to you then. This could backfire spectacularly in both your face and your daughter's face.

biscuitsandbooks · 10/12/2024 07:13

Unless your ex agrees, it's a total non-starter.

Startinganew32 · 10/12/2024 07:20

healthybychristmas · 10/12/2024 07:10

There is absolutely no way I would agree to this. What if you split up? What if he isn't the man you think he is? He would have equal rights to you then. This could backfire spectacularly in both your face and your daughter's face.

Well that goes for any biological father. And the right is the child’s not the parents’ so why shouldn’t he get to see her DD if they split? Anyway, as the DD is 12 and her own views would carry great weight and even more the older she gets, it’s a non-issue.
She would probably love and appreciate having the OP’s husband as an official dad.

TheSilkWorm · 10/12/2024 07:31

jeaux90 · 10/12/2024 07:03

I would just get a CAO in place to ensure you have full rights if you don't already. It's a good test to see if your ex is interested in any access, he will have to agree to the CAO.

What do you think will happen if he doesn't adopt her?

I'd just make your will clear, if her father hasn't been in her life for years I doubt he'll step up if you die.

I always think these things are a bit absurd if I'm honest and I'm a lone parent, so I do understand the worry.

Utterly pointless and probably not possible to apply for a child arrangements order if the father has no contact with a 12 year old child already. A CAO is only meant to be applied for where there are disagreements between parents that cannot be agreed through mediation, not when one parent is totally absent. This would not be a good use of court time.

TheSilkWorm · 10/12/2024 07:32

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 23:19

Get proper legal advice.
I’m not sure the suggestions I’m seeing here are correct.

Women’s Aid might be able to point you in the right direction.

The advice is correct. He could apply for parental responsibility as a step parent but won't be able to adopt her.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/12/2024 07:32

It is not correct that you would have to adopt your own daughter if you did get agreement. Not sure what that was about 20 years ago.

It absolutely was correct 50 years ago, as it happened to me. I have the papers to prove it 😄My dad died, my mum remarried. When her new husband adopted me, she adopted me too.

It definitely continued to be correct for a long time after that. I don't know if it's still correct now.

Hekett · 10/12/2024 07:46

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/12/2024 07:32

It is not correct that you would have to adopt your own daughter if you did get agreement. Not sure what that was about 20 years ago.

It absolutely was correct 50 years ago, as it happened to me. I have the papers to prove it 😄My dad died, my mum remarried. When her new husband adopted me, she adopted me too.

It definitely continued to be correct for a long time after that. I don't know if it's still correct now.

I was going to say similar about my 30 something friend. Her mum said there was a (very) short period of time before she was adopted where she wasn’t her mum and she was terrified she was going to have a heart attack or something in that moment and leave her parentless before the papers were signed 😅

Is it not the case now?!

Resilience · 10/12/2024 08:06

From the experience of friends, I think there's absolutely nothing stopping you using your chosen name for your DD informally. The school will even start using it if you ask them. However, it can't go on any official documentation like exam result certificates or a passport.However, given a child can change their name at 16 by deed poll without consent from those with PR you can often get it changed before exams (unless your DD is a summer baby).

Worth asking why it's necessary though. My DC had no contact with their biological father since 4 years of age, and only sporadic contact between 2 and 4. I met DH when they were 6 and remarried when they were 12. None of us changed our names. I've tried to teach them that their name is just that - THEIR name. They define it. They carve a sense of identity around it. It's all theirs and nothing to do with anyone else. A family is not defined by a surname but by a sense of belonging, love and security.

Edingril · 10/12/2024 08:12

No i don't think you hand parenting to someone else that easily, what does she want first off?

Lipstickandlashes · 10/12/2024 08:14

Is this truly necessary to obtain the legal protections you require? Because I’d caution that explicit rejection by her biological father may cause far more pain to your daughter than the current, implicit, rejection she’s experienced.

It’s one (shit) thing to have a dead beat dad whose lack of care you can blame on laziness, but quite another to have a father who formally rejects you as his child via the legal system.

I’m not sure there’s anything of significance to be gained, and I think it may be damaging in a way that you can’t fully predict, especially as she’s a child and lacking adult mental capacity.