To want my husband to adopt my daughter?

[TheGhostsOfMeAndYou]

Myself and my husband have been together 8 years. I have a 12 year old daughter with my first husband.

My first marriage ended when my daughter was 3 due to physical and emotional abuse. My daughter's dad doesn't pay maintenance and hasn't seen my daughter in 5 years.

I met my currant husband when my daughter was 4 and a half, he moved in in 2020 and my daughters dad doesn't started calling him dad, this wasn't instigated by either myself or my new husband. It was her idea.

We got married this year and now we would all like my husband to adopt my daughter. This comes from my daughter and both myself and my husband would like this. I'd like the security of knowing if something happened to me my daughter would be taken care of by someone who loves her, who she loves and would be able to stay in her home and not be disrupted at what would already be a traumatic time.

My ex husband wouldn't be agreeable to this. I don't know if I am being truly unreasonable and out of order and what my next steps need to be.

No, a CAO that states the daughter lives with OP and her DH will give parental responsibility to him so that he can make decisions.

I wouldn't risk it. You'd need ex's permission. Which means contacting him and reminding him to both exist. Refusal is also another way for him to continue to annoy you. You may find he says no then applies for contact to piss you off.

Let sleeping dogs lie. Don't remind him you or her exist.

If he adopts then technically you adopt your own child as a new birth certificate (adoption certificate) will be issued.
I’d probably only do it if your DD feels very strongly about it but it will be a no go if her dad doesn’t agree so consider another route and get your DH to make provision for her in his will.

There is no reason for such an order. The husband doesn't need PR. And the child already lives with the mother, nobody is challenging that, so why is a court order necessary?
The family courts work on the least intervention principle and the default position is always no order unless an order is necessary to protect a child. The family courts are also absurdly backlogged with initial hearings being listed 6-12 months after application. The reason that mediation is mandatory is to prevent as many court applications as possible.

Yup bargain and negotiate.

Push for maintenance. Hard.

If he wants to be her legal dad he pays for her as the law provides.

He may be happy to hand over to an adoptive dad if he sees it as him taking financial responsibility. Sickening but true.

I wouldn't do this. It gives your husband equal rights over your daughter in tbr event of aa divorce. If know of people who allowed their DC to be adopted when they were in love etc and it turned into a nightmare

Yes there’s that side of it too oP.

When push comes to shove, you are the best guardian for your dd.

On balance, I’d let things be.

But he has a bargaining chip too. Access to the daughter. He could stand in court saying OP denied access, obstructed contact, alienated, is now a 'changed man' that just wants his daughter, wants 50/50.

Yes he does ( though he may not want to use that chip!). I have posted again as on reflection I’m not sure it is something op should be pursuing. There are risks with adoption too. Never jump from a frying pan to a fire.

This is worth considering, OP.

As someone who works within the family courts my heartfelt advice is let sleeping dogs lie. There is nothing to be gained by putting your family under the scrutiny of the family court system and much to be lost. Your DH doesn't need PR for your daughter. If you die god forbid he can apply for it then.

It would be an order by consent drawn up by a solicitor and lodged with the court so no need to worry about backlogs.
Could also get a parental responsibility order.
It’s so that there is a legal relationship between them which while not always strictly necessary is what some families want.

I'm adopted, it still hurts that the person who should have loved me most in the world gave me up without a fight. Surely there are better ways of going about providing your child with security in the future that doesn't include a parent who has known her for her whole life just giving up on her and reliquishing all rights to being her parent. It might seem cool now but one day it might be a big stumbling block in her mind.

Don't underestimate the power of being 'given away' to a child.

Just read PP above, @Lipstickandlashes said it better!

It wouldn't be by consent though would it - as the father isn't going to agree.

Also can you really process an adoption via a consent order? What about the requirement for adoption assessment? And application for an adoption order? All by consent? I'm no expert on that side but that seems a bit cavalier.

Your daughter is 12.
She becomes an adult at 18.

You’re probably unlikely to die in the next six years.
You’re probably more likely to be divorced from your current husband though.

Think hard, OP.

Why on earth haven't you pursued/got court-ordered maintenance? Its for your own daughter's welfare.

Exactly.

I think OP is more worried about what happens legally if something happens to her. In the current situation, the birth father would become the default parent and could potentially get custody of the daughter (even though it sounds like he wouldn't want it, it's still a concern).

I agree with people saying that Parental Rights is a good way to go, OP - but do consider that this will be in place even if you divorce - your husband will have equal rights as her parent.

If you know your ex won't agree to adoption then there is no point, and actually severing someone's connection with their birth parent is a huge thing to do, even if he hasn't been in the picture for 5 years. He is still her biological father.

No not the adoption order - the child arrangements order. And no you can’t do an adoption by consent - the local authority has to do a report and the court has to order it.

There is a very valid reason for the DH to have PR!
If OP became incapacitated for any reason, or God forbid died, DH would be able to legally parent the daughter, make decisions relating to her and have all the legal responsibilities of a father.
It wouldn't remove birth father's PR but it would give an equal standing.

I have worked in the Family Court on adoption work, the Court will consider what is in the best interests of the child. The Court will consider your child's views too. The Court can make the adoption order without the birth father's consent.

You could alternatively apply for parental responsibility for your husband so that he had legal rights for your child.
Every council has an adoption team and I would suggest you speak to them. You would have to contact them if you wished to apply for adoption anyway as they must prepare a report before an adoption application is filed at Court. They could advise you about the position regarding your child's birth father.

Also just to confirm you would not be adopting your own child. This used to be the case years ago but not now. Only your husband would be the only adopter, your position is completely unchanged.

And he could make that application if she died. Children don't need a spare person to have PR just in case their main parent dies. It's such a rare occurrence that it only needs to happen if it happens.

Well then he’d be in a more difficult position because the father would be the sole surviving parent and would be likely to make life more difficult for him. It’s actually really useful for both adults in the household to have parental responsibility so if the mum is away and the daughter goes into hospital the stepdad can make decisions if necessary. The mum wants him to have these rights if she’s talking about adoption and it doesn’t affect the shitshow dad either if the stepdad gets PR. It’s also in the interests of the DD as it’s some legal recognition of the significant role he plays in her life. The courts have consistently said there is no limit on people who can hold parental responsibility for a child.

But a new birth certificate is issued so it wouldn’t be completely unchanged