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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just don’t answer the call?!

75 replies

Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 19:27

DH works in a middle management role, huge company, no real life or death responsibility, decent-ish salary but not mega bucks.

Im on mat leave with our baby. He’s always had terrible timekeeping but lately is working later and later and Im getting so frustrated. He was wfh today, started at 8.30am as usual. Didn’t help out with baby before work as usual. At 6.30pm I was bathing DD about to do bedtime and could hear someone call him, he answered and he’s still on the phone to them? I’ve put DD to bed, cleared up, I’m washing the bottles and then I’ll have to make dinner although I’m only going to feed myself if he’s still on a call.

AIBU to think, just don’t answer the call?! When I’m working we earn the same amount and have similar responsibilities and I just wouldn’t answer a call at 6.30pm especially if I could be spending time with DD?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 09/12/2024 19:28

Would he get into trouble for not taking a work call

Original poster
Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 19:32

Why would he get in trouble? He started at 8.30am and should therefore be able to finish at 5pm if he really wanted. It’s just a teams chat by the sounds of it.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 09/12/2024 19:34

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2024 19:28

Would he get into trouble for not taking a work call

In France it’s the company that gets in trouble for sending messages outside of office hours now. Much more sensible!

yeesh · 09/12/2024 19:35

he sounds like a lazy bastard who answered the call to avoid doing anything around the house

Original poster
Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 19:35

If it were me I would just message the person and say, sorry it’s 6.30pm and I’m putting DCs to bed/have another commitment/etc.

OP posts:
birdling · 09/12/2024 19:37

Have you mentioned it to him?
In my experience, some men can be a bit oblivious to household chores and it might not have occurred to him that it's late and he's needed.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 09/12/2024 19:39

What's your gut feeling? Do you think he's answering calls to avoid his home life? Or as per previous poster, is he curiously oblivious to the fact that he has a baby, a wife and a home?

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 09/12/2024 19:46

Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 19:35

If it were me I would just message the person and say, sorry it’s 6.30pm and I’m putting DCs to bed/have another commitment/etc.

God don't do that. Just deal with it in the morning. Sounds like he's looking for a get out.

EvilStepmotherNot · 09/12/2024 19:47

You've picked the wrong person to have a baby with like so many others on here. You're right. He's wrong. You're a single parent and it'll only get worse. Leave now and let him be involved as and when he can be bothered. It's not easy but it's worth it

Original poster
Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 19:48

I think he knows but it’s impossible to get through to him about it as he just goes on about deadlines and having so much work on. I get it, we’ve all been there at times, but it’s been constantly the case for him for the last few years and I feel like it’s becoming obvious the problem is his lack of boundaries (especially when I get to witness it happening, like today!).

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 19:50

He always says he prides himself on not living to work, but his actions say the complete opposite! That’s why I need to sense check it with other people.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 09/12/2024 19:51

lately is working later and later

He’s avoiding the hard work of the new baby. It’s a common ploy.

FrostyTheSnowHuman · 09/12/2024 19:56

EvilStepmotherNot · 09/12/2024 19:47

You've picked the wrong person to have a baby with like so many others on here. You're right. He's wrong. You're a single parent and it'll only get worse. Leave now and let him be involved as and when he can be bothered. It's not easy but it's worth it

Insanely OTT response.

If he’s generally good with pulling his weight with the baby, just talk to him about this issue of him working too late. He’ll probably stop once he’s realised you’re annoyed by it.

And I wouldn’t take a call at that time either, OP!

AlertCat · 09/12/2024 20:05

If you think he is telling the truth, then the concern will be burnout.

If pp is right and he’s dodging family/domestic life because work calls are easier, the concern is that he’s stepping away from you all. Only you can know which it is.

FWIW, I would be cross too in your place, and if it were my work, it would finish at 5 and my own time would begin.

Baublingalong · 09/12/2024 20:06

It doesn't sound like he's enjoying being a dad and is in evasion mode.

2024onwardsandup · 09/12/2024 20:12

He’s avoiding doing the hard work at home. As soon as you can start going to the gym or something at 6pm so he has to take responsibility at least some nights

i work with so many men who spend so much time at work producing absolutely nothing. So Much Busy Work

HeddaGarbled · 09/12/2024 20:19

i work with so many men who spend so much time at work producing absolutely nothing. So Much Busy Work

Yep, and then go home when the kids are already in bed, give them a kiss goodnight then feet up on the sofa after their oh-so-tiring long working days.

Baublingalong · 09/12/2024 20:24

HeddaGarbled · 09/12/2024 20:19

i work with so many men who spend so much time at work producing absolutely nothing. So Much Busy Work

Yep, and then go home when the kids are already in bed, give them a kiss goodnight then feet up on the sofa after their oh-so-tiring long working days.

And they spend all their time in work talking about their "beautiful" children who are their pride and joy and talk about how they're the perfect dad...

Original poster
Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 20:24

I’ve told him several times now how it’s not healthy to be working so late and he just brushes it off as having too much to do. Or, he says I’m wrong for complaining about the domestic chores, because he wouldn’t be complaining in my position as everything I do is for our DD. Or he just tells me to leave chores because they don’t matter. Whilst I agree to an extent, I’m not trying to run a spotless home, I just want DD to have clean clothes and not be crawling round on dirty carpets/drinking from dirty bottles etc!

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 09/12/2024 20:27

Baublingalong · 09/12/2024 20:06

It doesn't sound like he's enjoying being a dad and is in evasion mode.

Yes this. Standard.

Mrsphilmiller · 09/12/2024 20:28

OP, I read your post when you first posted it and now I’m back to find out if you gave the bastard any dinner 😂

2boyzNosleep · 09/12/2024 20:28

Your DH is in the wrong and is either unable to say no/not pick up, or avoiding doing his share of parenting/chores.

I'm a firm believer of doing the job/hours you're paid for. As you said, if you've finished work, just don't pick up. If you were working in the office and left the building, then the call wouldn't be answered. No explanation needed.

Original poster
Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 20:31

No I didn’t make him dinner. I actually went out to the supermarket to get ingredients for dinner but he was still on the call! So I just made myself something.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 09/12/2024 20:35

he says I’m wrong for complaining about the domestic chores, because he wouldn’t be complaining in my position as everything I do is for our DD

Thing is, this stuff isn’t just 9-5 is it? It goes on into the evening and weekend, so by avoiding being there to take some of it on, he’s letting your shifts continue indefinitely. It’s not ok.

Glad you didn’t make him dinner. Is he still on this call!?

Baublingalong · 09/12/2024 20:41

Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 20:24

I’ve told him several times now how it’s not healthy to be working so late and he just brushes it off as having too much to do. Or, he says I’m wrong for complaining about the domestic chores, because he wouldn’t be complaining in my position as everything I do is for our DD. Or he just tells me to leave chores because they don’t matter. Whilst I agree to an extent, I’m not trying to run a spotless home, I just want DD to have clean clothes and not be crawling round on dirty carpets/drinking from dirty bottles etc!

Ask him straight up if he's struggling with being a husband and a dad.