Just don’t answer the call?!

[Sleetwave]

DH works in a middle management role, huge company, no real life or death responsibility, decent-ish salary but not mega bucks.

Im on mat leave with our baby. He’s always had terrible timekeeping but lately is working later and later and Im getting so frustrated. He was wfh today, started at 8.30am as usual. Didn’t help out with baby before work as usual. At 6.30pm I was bathing DD about to do bedtime and could hear someone call him, he answered and he’s still on the phone to them? I’ve put DD to bed, cleared up, I’m washing the bottles and then I’ll have to make dinner although I’m only going to feed myself if he’s still on a call.

AIBU to think, just don’t answer the call?! When I’m working we earn the same amount and have similar responsibilities and I just wouldn’t answer a call at 6.30pm especially if I could be spending time with DD?

Immediately there is a difference there.. international work hours.

Outside of being a surgeon, or other similar role (police army nurse etc) unless you are specifically on call, or attending a situation etc..Yes you can.

There are incidents where it's best to take it, or you know it's potentially essentially and usually these have been communicated with your partner because they're outside of the norm.

Progression, c-suite etc ...none of that requires hours of unpaid work every night.

If you think otherwise, I'd advise looking at your priorities and your attitude towards work.

And that's coming from someone who used to deal with c-suite (internal and external) and b)was married for 15 years to someone who was c-suite.

Of course he is doing it on purpose. He doesn’t want to do the drudge of changing nappies and washing up. The fact he suggested you shouldn’t complain about it because you should enjoy doing stuff for your daughter… classic manipulation.

I'm C-level, and unless something was burning down, I don't answer if I'm busy doing something else.

I have been on more than one call where men have congratulated themselves for using work to avoid getting home to do bedtime (which particularly grated in one situation, because I'd had to deploy the Haribo to keep the kids busy while I took his out of hours call - but he was a client, so I really had to)

This I'm afraid.

Work can be fun and rewarding, too.

Why would you not see any of his pay rise? That sounds potentially concerning.

Middle management roles are the first to go in a cull so he might be anxious that he has answer every call and so his utmost.

Or he could be using work as a cover to avoid domestic duties.

Only by talking to him will you know/

Perhaps it's not a work call.

So many posters desperately trying to find a way to absolve the man of any wrongdoing.

God forbid we actually listen to the OP who is the person best placed to decide whether her husband is taking the piss or not.

This stood out for me too. OP, why would you not benefit from your DH's payrise if he got one?

Because apart from bills we have separate pots of money.

It was definitely a work call, he was at home and had no earphones in. I could hear through the walls when putting dd to bed. But it was just chit chat about a task, not an emergency.

I noticed you haven't replied to any of the comments saying he's avoiding family life / chores
Just saying

I haven’t replied because this is what I suspect is happening although I can’t quite believe it because he always says he wishes he had more time for us. Also I’m not sure what I can do about it.

Ask him what he considers important about a work call. Don't imply it's not important, just ask him what it was about. You can start to frame it as more pressure on him and maybe he's going to get a promotion. Which of course you understand and can get excited about. (There's a whole other thing about him getting more money means he should pay a higher proportion of bills, but let's not derail the thread.)

And when he says it's nothing important or serious, then you can ask why unimportant work stuff comes before important not letting children go hungry or dirty stuff.

The point is that he wouldn't dream of putting off colleagues but he does put off you. That tells you that he prioritises work ahead of you, even if he's not getting a payrise or promotion out of it.

Maybe if you frame it as he sees work as more important than his children he will see sense.

I'm not a believer in ultimatums but you also have to ask him how much he values his children and his wife and his home life. If he does value it then he will quickly come round to being supportive in the light of what he might lose. But if he doesn't value it then maybe you would be better off without him. At least on your own you know you have to do it all.

I used to work at a top tier consultancy and there was a partner who ALWAYS left at 5pm to be home for her kids dinner. (Then worked later) ALWAYS

in the whole time I was there not one person died because she did that…and she still made managing partner

no male partners did that - but she quite clearly showed that you could.

make of that what you will

hes either doing it to avoid family time or because he doesn’t have the balls to set boundaires

i think you just need to make it very clear to him that it’s an issue for you (and him!)

If you wont see his pay rise then id say supporting extra hours is not on the cards. Tell him this and that at 5:30 he’s parenting, you don’t share finances so you won’t be solo parenting outside of work hours unless there’s give and take. At 5:30 on his next wfh day I’d hand him the baby and go for a hours walk. And when you get home if things haven’t been done you say I thought you said you wouldn’t complain about doing housework and parenting solo if it was you??

Next time it happens, plop the baby on his lap and go out.
The ensuing conversation will be lively and illuminating.

where I work 6.30pm is not too late to take a call, mainly as we have lots of US clients. If there is another parent in the house I would think it’s okay to have a call later in the day even if not super urgent. Also I’m a middle management type role, but the culture is the same at all levels in the organisation. We also have Chinese / Japanese clients so need to be flexible earlier in the day too.

i do have flexiblity though, and wouldn’t need to take leave for example for a nativity or parents evening or childcare emergency

I agree with this. He can’t have your support so he gets family life and free rein for his professional success AND keep all of the benefits for himself. When do you get any time to yourself?

This. Some men seem to start being very busy at work and staying later and later when there is a baby in the house.

He's chatting to work mates. Not a work call while you deal with one of the hardest parts of the day, bedtime and dinner.
Blimey OP why haven't you called him out on it?
Been there

What you can do is force him to step up. If he finishes at 6pm go to him, give him the baby and tell him you need a shower.
Or at the weekend tell him I’m lying in Saturday, you get Sunday.
Or when he does log off tell him, I’ve done 3 loads of washing up today, the last one is yours. I made lunch yesterday can you do it today. Please can you put a wash on before you start work today …etc etc

Yes it forces you into the role of nag but it’s pretty hard to argue with a direct instruction.

Because he wishes he had more time for the fun things. Not bedtime, cleaning, making dinner.... Those are your jobs now (in his eyes) whilst he does his busy and important work calls 🙄

The fact you've said you wouldn't even benefit if he got a payrise because you have separate pots of money says it all though.

YANBU to think he shouldn’t take the call, but not making him dinner is petty. I would make dinner for both of you then bring up the call, trying not to be accusing but letting him know you’re struggling and how it made you feel.

If you ask him why he did it and why he’s working so many hours, it is possible you’ll understand each other better and be able to support each other toward a new normal. It’s common for dads to feel the pressure while partner is on mat leave and really lean into their work for fear of underperforming and losing their now-more-important job.

This !!!

Sort it now otherwise, I promise you, it will NEVER change. He will never take the initiative while you're happy to pick up the slack.
Be strong and assertive, or be prepared to be a 'single wife'.

Never state personal reasons for not answering a call. Just a text, "thanks for your call, I'll call you back in the morning" is enough. If that's not enough, you need new work colleagues.