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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just don’t answer the call?!

75 replies

Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 19:27

DH works in a middle management role, huge company, no real life or death responsibility, decent-ish salary but not mega bucks.

Im on mat leave with our baby. He’s always had terrible timekeeping but lately is working later and later and Im getting so frustrated. He was wfh today, started at 8.30am as usual. Didn’t help out with baby before work as usual. At 6.30pm I was bathing DD about to do bedtime and could hear someone call him, he answered and he’s still on the phone to them? I’ve put DD to bed, cleared up, I’m washing the bottles and then I’ll have to make dinner although I’m only going to feed myself if he’s still on a call.

AIBU to think, just don’t answer the call?! When I’m working we earn the same amount and have similar responsibilities and I just wouldn’t answer a call at 6.30pm especially if I could be spending time with DD?

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 09/12/2024 20:44

This very much depends on the context of the job. If i am due to finish at 5 I go at 5, that's the nature of my job. By contrast DH is senior and if a crisis develops its on him, that could be all night calls, urgent zoom meetings on holiday etc. That rarely happens and in return he can come and go as he pleases. If that's the nature of your DHs role then it's fair enough. If it's a consistent issue and not the nature of his role then he is taking the piss and avoiding family duties.

Phineyj · 09/12/2024 20:44

You could turn the router off at 6pm? It will be great practice for when you have a stroppy tween.

If people WFH effectively the emitter already gets a couple of hours free in lieu of commute compared to pre 2020. No need to give them 3 or 4 for free!

Phineyj · 09/12/2024 20:45

Emitter?! employer

Unless it's Thames Water he works for of course.

Original poster
Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 20:46

Dontlletmedownbruce · 09/12/2024 20:44

This very much depends on the context of the job. If i am due to finish at 5 I go at 5, that's the nature of my job. By contrast DH is senior and if a crisis develops its on him, that could be all night calls, urgent zoom meetings on holiday etc. That rarely happens and in return he can come and go as he pleases. If that's the nature of your DHs role then it's fair enough. If it's a consistent issue and not the nature of his role then he is taking the piss and avoiding family duties.

No he doesn’t work in this sort of role. I understand there is something issues at work and you have to work out of hours, I do this too. But it’s an exception not the norm. Also when I do this I make sure I finish earlier when I can to make up for it.

OP posts:
SabreIsMyFave · 09/12/2024 20:47

He's opting out of family life, and his responsibilities sorry @Sleetwave

Pretty common with men with young children. Self centred and thoughtless. Nothing is more important than their man hobbies and their big important job.

Slughorn · 09/12/2024 20:49

It totally depends on so many factors.

As a working mum (wfh) I fairly regularly have to take calls at 6.30pm. I would hate it if my husband thought I was shirking responsibility for chores or avoiding my kids, like some
of the posters are saying here - God forbid! I actually just have a high-responsibility job, and some calls are unavoidable. (Which my husband knows, and he would never actually think badly of me for it).

So it totally, totally depends on what kind of career he has. Plus if the call was unavoidable. He can’t just ignore a call with c-suite or a client because you want him to put the baby to bed.

SeriouslyWhataMess · 09/12/2024 20:50

My DH started doing this once we had babies. He still does it now and the eldest is 13. He didn't change position at work and strangely never did it before they came along. Total evasion technique, which causes a lot of friction between us because I have to do everything and work, but he only has work. Nip it in the bud now or it will continue and you will become resentful.

AngryBookworm · 09/12/2024 20:51

He needs to sort himself out. Whether that's setting quiet hours on the work app (like Teams), turning off the work phone or something else. He may need to do some expectation-setting at work - that's part of life when you're a parent and women have been doing it for years, because they had to. It's men who get away with treating parenting as optional. Sorry if that sounds harsh and I don't mean he personally is a bad dad, just that there are shitty gender dynamics at play which have historically disadvantaged women. It sounds like you'd know if it was really urgent (but also, a lot of 'urgency' in roles is false urgency - did this thing actually need to happen NOW THIS EVENING or did someone just fail to plan?). Whatever it is, it's not on.

JustFrustrated · 09/12/2024 20:51

Slughorn · 09/12/2024 20:49

It totally depends on so many factors.

As a working mum (wfh) I fairly regularly have to take calls at 6.30pm. I would hate it if my husband thought I was shirking responsibility for chores or avoiding my kids, like some
of the posters are saying here - God forbid! I actually just have a high-responsibility job, and some calls are unavoidable. (Which my husband knows, and he would never actually think badly of me for it).

So it totally, totally depends on what kind of career he has. Plus if the call was unavoidable. He can’t just ignore a call with c-suite or a client because you want him to put the baby to bed.

Actually outside of working hours, you absolutely can do.

Original poster
Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 20:51

Slughorn · 09/12/2024 20:49

It totally depends on so many factors.

As a working mum (wfh) I fairly regularly have to take calls at 6.30pm. I would hate it if my husband thought I was shirking responsibility for chores or avoiding my kids, like some
of the posters are saying here - God forbid! I actually just have a high-responsibility job, and some calls are unavoidable. (Which my husband knows, and he would never actually think badly of me for it).

So it totally, totally depends on what kind of career he has. Plus if the call was unavoidable. He can’t just ignore a call with c-suite or a client because you want him to put the baby to bed.

I already said multiple times he doesn’t have this sort of job? I 100% guarantee he wasn’t on a call to a client or a c-suite.

OP posts:
spottedinthewilds · 09/12/2024 20:52

Is he wanting to progress in his role? If so, he probably needs to be seen going the extra mile to mile.

Don't blame him when he doesn't get much of a pay rise over the next few years if you don't expect him to do a bit extra.

QueenOfWeeds · 09/12/2024 20:53

DH was similar - I’m sure there was a bit of avoidance from him, but it was also him struggling with the pressure of responsibility - we were no longer an equal couple, he suddenly had our house, his wife, and his daughter all dependent on him keeping his job (he also didn’t really like the job, but that’s incidental). The pressure and panic made him inefficient, which meant he ended up working even longer to cover his own inefficiencies. He was also super chirpy on teams calls because he didn’t want to admit to work he was struggling.

He ended up being signed off work for a bit with depression (lots of interesting stats on the rates of PND in both men and women) and ultimately changed jobs. It took us a long time to get to the point where he was willing to ask for help, and it was crushingly tough in the interim.

He could also just be avoiding domestic responsibilities, but just to point out it could be more than that.

Whoarethoseguys · 09/12/2024 20:54

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2024 19:28

Would he get into trouble for not taking a work call

Why would he get in trouble. Working from home doesn't mean he has to be on call 24/7. If he was in the office he would have left by 6.30 and they wouldn't be anyone to answer the phone.
He needs to log off and turn his phone of at the sale time he would have left the office.

Original poster
Sleetwave · 09/12/2024 20:57

spottedinthewilds · 09/12/2024 20:52

Is he wanting to progress in his role? If so, he probably needs to be seen going the extra mile to mile.

Don't blame him when he doesn't get much of a pay rise over the next few years if you don't expect him to do a bit extra.

He probably does but I wouldn’t see any of his payrise so it’s not likely to make a difference to me. Doing a bit extra is fine but hours extra every single day? Would you really do that? He would be the same even if it was a Friday night. I’ve managed to progress fine in my role without working until 8pm every night.

OP posts:
ladymalfoy45 · 09/12/2024 20:58

If it's from The Ghostbusters I would. No help but I thought of the film.

Slughorn · 09/12/2024 20:58

JustFrustrated · 09/12/2024 20:51

Actually outside of working hours, you absolutely can do.

Show quote history

Actually I work at an international company, and I was hired knowing there would be some evening work needed due to timezones, so I can’t do.

Like I said, it depends on the type of job. Even for regular-hours jobs, 6.30pm is not very late at all, and quite a normal time
to work until if there’s a crisis or deadline.

LittleGreenDragons · 09/12/2024 20:58

yeesh · 09/12/2024 19:35

he sounds like a lazy bastard who answered the call to avoid doing anything around the house

I second this. He is doing it on purpose OP. If it wasn't the big important job, it would be the big, important hobby. He's decided to live the single life and you are there to make his life easier and sweeter.

SabreIsMyFave · 09/12/2024 21:00

My DH's employer don't even have his phone number. They used to have it, and they kept ringing him and badgering him to cover people who couldn't be arsed to turn up, and he got sick of it. Rang him on his birthday once while we had family around for a big birthday meal, and got arsey and snarky when he said 'NO!' He got a new phone number and never gave it to them. 5 years now, and they still don't have it. Keep asking but he refuses.

An employer does not have the right to have your personal phone number.

DH isn't middle management, but I know some people who are, and like fuck does anyone in middle management HAVE to answer the phone at 6.30pm. Your DH wants to answer it @Sleetwave

SabreIsMyFave · 09/12/2024 21:01

LittleGreenDragons · 09/12/2024 20:58

I second this. He is doing it on purpose OP. If it wasn't the big important job, it would be the big, important hobby. He's decided to live the single life and you are there to make his life easier and sweeter.

Show quote history

This. ^ Makes you wonder why some men get married and have children.

Women can't suddenly opt out of being a mother. Men find it easy to opt out of being a father though.

Fuck the patriarchy.

MarleyAndMarleyWoohooohooohooohoooo · 09/12/2024 21:07

birdling · 09/12/2024 19:37

Have you mentioned it to him?
In my experience, some men can be a bit oblivious to household chores and it might not have occurred to him that it's late and he's needed.

We set such a low bar for men.
He’s presumably a competent adult who manages to work full time.
Why on earth is it always up to women to try to educate their men when they’re being utterly crap fathers and husbands?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 09/12/2024 21:07

If as you say that's not the nature of his role then yeah he is taking the piss. This is a new Dad 'thing' by the way, years ago a male colleague announced his baby was born and I heard some managers joking 'that's great now he'll start putting in the extra hours'. Apparently it's really common. Sadly

IOSTT · 09/12/2024 21:08

You know the answer already OP. He is choosing to leave all the domestic chores to you, with his excuse of “work”.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/12/2024 21:24

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2024 19:28

Would he get into trouble for not taking a work call

Oh dear, you really need to learn from Veronica...

When Managers don't want to pay for overtime #animation #funnyvideo #gplus #comedy

Before you continue to YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/16zMmolr-6k

ttcat37 · 09/12/2024 21:36

Hmm, a new baby and suddenly needing to work later than usual, what could possibly be the reason?!
Lazy dad syndrome, his terribly important and extremely untaxing phone calls that seem to fall around bath and bed time are far easier than doing some parenting.

dixon86 · 09/12/2024 21:48

This is why I have a work phone. Nobody can bother me because right now I'm at home and my phone is at work