To ask for parenting advice

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My 7 year old son is on the waiting list for an autism and adhd assessment - instigated by school (we're on the 2nd year of an apparently 4 year waiting list). Up until year 3 he was fine in school with the additional support school provides. However year 3 has seen a massive change in his behaviour and he has been having extreme meltdowns including flipping tables, throwing things, and lashing out at teachers. When asked why, he just says something happened that wasn't fair.

I feel like I've tried everything and I don't know what to do.

At school he has:
Sensory items
Fidget toys
Brain breaks
A shared 1:1 (so a 1:2)
Emotion cards
Regulation time
Allowances for schoolwork

At home we:
Do regulation exercises / practice
Model regulation
Talk

In addition I have tried a reward chart (it made no difference). He rarely uses screens (he has no interest in computer games and we just don't tend to put the tele on) so there is nothing in that sense to reduce. The closest to a 'punishment' is to not let him play with lego but that doesn't seem linked to his behaviour.

I have a meeting booked with an education psychologist (although I'm unsure what they do). School are very supportive but they are also at a loss.

Other parents are very understandably worried about the environment being unsafe for their children and I think it's unfair on the other children that their learning is being disrupted.

I have suggested to school that I remove my child from the classroom until further support is available but given we don't know what that support would look like and how long it would take to source, that could take forever and I don't have unlimited leave from work.

Help please. What do I do?!

Is he open to discuss it a little more and try to find solutions? I guess trying to figure out what triggers these episodes are key. Can his 1-2 shed any light on what is happening beforehand? Tricky. Have a 8 year autistic boy and often feel like I have no idea what to do parenting wise. Have you read the low demand parenting book? Might help identify things that are demands that are getting to be too much for him?

I don’t have personal experience of this but I just wanted to add that meeting with an educational psychologist should hopefully be helpful for you; they are often trained to diagnose neurodivergence and have lots of helpful strategies and tools. A 4 year wait is horrendous! Would you be able to go private for an assessment? It is expensive which means lots of people have no choice but to wait. Wishing you and your son the best OP.

Does he has an EHCP? You don't need a diagnosis and you can apply for it yourself, although it sounds like school would support you in this. IPSEA have a template letter on their website that you can use to request an assessment of his needs and there are legal timescales in place for the LEA to respond.

I'm presuming he has a pupil passport/SEN support plan? You need to meet with the SENCO to review it and discuss what the best support is going to be for him. This support should include monitoring of his cues and triggers to minimise his stress so that he doesn't reach the table flipping stage. That school aren't doing this is a bit of a failure on their part, they need to be more pro-active with this (again, this is where a formalised assessment of needs via EHCP will be helpful).

Just from reading what support he currently has in school I can see thing missing that they should be doing and that I'd be using in my role (LSA supporting children with SEND).

Speak to them about:

• daily sensory circuit before every classroom session (so during registration, after break time, after lunch, etc). These help with sensory regulation and also with routine building.

• SEMH interventions around managing feelings, socio-emotion communication, fostering empathy, etc. They could be employing things like circle of friends, Lego therapy, TalkAbout, nurture sessions. ELSA strategies. These are all worth exploring

• Zones of Regulation to help him recognise and name his emotions with progressive support towards being able to communicate his feelings.

School shouldn't be "at a loss".

An educational psychologist won't diagnose anything - paediatricians do that. But they will look at how he's doing at school and suggest strategies.

I suggest:

1. Speak to your GP about Choose and Book to speed up the assessment (there are also places like Caudwell Children's you can ask for a referral to). Or go private? You don't need a diagnosis to get support but if as a pp says, his triggers are sensory, it could throw some light on that.
2. Keep a diary, as detailed as possible. Try to find out the triggers for the incidents at school. Notice what regulates him at home.
3. Do not remove him from school! And do not let them send him home without exclusion paperwork. Incidents at school are quite helpful in gathering evidence for EHCP.
4. Make a parental request for EHCP. The Ipsea website has lots of helpful info.
5. Don't concern yourself with other children. That's not your responsibility.
6. Don't risk your job. SEN is expensive. Keep earning as long as you can.

EHCP support thread no. 4 - www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5197351-ehcp-support-thread-no-4

@Phineyj That is incorrect, educational psychologists and clinical psychologists do diagnose ND - I should know, I am one. I’ve never heard of a paediatrician doing an ADHD assessment, in my experience these referrals all go to psychology. Perhaps it depends where you live.

what is he like after his episodes at school and what is he like at home? Do the self regulation exercises work at home? If yes then I wonder if it is something the teacher is doing that is inadvertently triggering your ds, given this wasn’t such a big problem the last several years.

What perceived unfairness is he noticing? What’s the classroom like compared to last year? Would he be better off sitting alone (less irritating than sitting with others)?

I wonder if you can help him find a way of encountering theses “injustices” without an explosion, maybe find a way for him to register his annoyance that doesn’t lead to a meltdown.

You could also point out to him that he may feel annoyed about some grievance, and he kicks off - but then what? Billy feels annoyed because he couldn’t concentrate on his work because your ds was making a fuss - does that give Billy a right to have a huge meltdown …and then won’t that upset Alice, and then she’ll have a hissy fit, which will upset Arav and he will throw something and so on.

If we are talking unfair, would your ds see the logic that his unacceptable behaviour is unfair on the entire class? And if everyone behaved like your ds, what does he think would happen then?

He may have adhd and autism but he may see the logic of this. And that allowing himself to lose control to the extent other children don’t feel safe, is something he must change and must want to change.

it’s worth a try.

Where I live referrals go to Paediatrics at child development centre (part of acute trust). They go through CAMHS only where child presents with a MH issue first and a possible ND is identified once they have been seen by CAMHS.

@TwoLeggedGrooveMachine Who does the assessments in Paeds? Psychologists still do them in Paeds here, not the medical clinicians.

Well it's definitely not educational psychologists! Clue's in the name.

How's his diet??

Is he exercising??

@Plastictrees OK, well of course you know best about your own geographical area & practice. My DD was diagnosed by a paediatrician along with a speech and language therapist (ADOS and Qb Check). I've never heard of educational psychologists being involved in diagnosis round here.

Then again, Mencap has the contract for parent support for ASD round here and I would have never guessed that!

What I think this probably demonstrates, OP, is that as the system is not at all parent-friendly, it would be a good idea to get to know local parents with similar children and ask about their routes to assessment, school recommendations, etc.

I found my people on a parent support group on Facebook linked from the websites of one of the ADHD/ASD charities.

@TwixForTea might work with some kids but that would have utterly gone over DD's head at 7. At 11 she still has little insight into why she loses it.

She's very intelligent and highly verbal but it's a bit Hulk! Smash! round here. Better with age though.

Are you able to afford to go private?

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you that took time to respond. I’ve been feeling helpless and it has really helped to read through the practical tips and messages of support. I’ll try to respond to your questions individually too. Thank you

At first he was happy to discuss but the more I push it the more he has shut down. I think he’s feeling shame (although difficult to tell). His 1:2 has said she can see when he’s about to ‘go’ but if she’s not near him at that precise moment she can’t intervene in time. The actual trigger differs each time. The classroom in year 3 is apparently noisier (lots of differing needs – it’s a mainstream school but with a good reputation for SEN support so a higher than average proportion of kids in the class have additional needs) and I wonder if that has affected him. But there’s not a lot the school can do about that unfortunately.

I haven’t read that book – I’ll get it, thank you.

Thank you. My son’s father is looking to get health insurance through his work and then we should be able to go private for the diagnosis. My understanding though is the diagnosis doesn’t open up much additional support unfortunately. Strategies and tools is what I need so hopefully the educational psychologist can help in that respect.

Yes I think that is often the case sadly. Hopefully it goes well with the psychologist. Wishing you the best of luck.

He doesn’t have an EHCP because he hasn’t needed one before now but I think the school is going to suggest one now (which I’m happy with and will do myself if they don’t) – unfortunately the SENCO has been off poorly so I’ve been getting information second hand but I think that’s what has been alluded to. That’s really useful information about the IPSEA and LEA, thank you.

Yes, he has a SEN support plan. When I’m speaking to various school staff they’re all telling me that I need to speak to the SENCO but with him being off poorly, I’m a bit stuck. I put my foot down today and said something needs to happen in the meantime and the deputy head said he’d call me tomorrow to discuss. Thanks to you and others on this thread I have really practical things I can follow up on.

This is beyond valuable, thank you so much

Could he wear ear defenders to help with the noise?

Just to add to the excellent advice already posted here, you can apply for DLA for him without a diagnosis (if you haven’t already). Contact have a really helpful step by step guide to this: https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/benefits-financial-help/disability-living-allowance/tips-on-completing-the-dla-form/

This is really helpful, thank you so much. The class has been such a supportive and inclusive place over the past three years (the children are genuinely all lovely) and it’s such a shame it’s ended up with some of them feeling scared to go to school. I do have to keep reminding myself that it’s not my responsibility though as it’s not helping anyone me worrying about it.

Also, join local SEND parents’ groups (on Facebook etc) as they’re an invaluable source of info and support.