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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for parenting advice

35 replies

9hdtvey54r · 09/12/2024 17:00

My 7 year old son is on the waiting list for an autism and adhd assessment - instigated by school (we're on the 2nd year of an apparently 4 year waiting list). Up until year 3 he was fine in school with the additional support school provides. However year 3 has seen a massive change in his behaviour and he has been having extreme meltdowns including flipping tables, throwing things, and lashing out at teachers. When asked why, he just says something happened that wasn't fair.

I feel like I've tried everything and I don't know what to do.

At school he has:
Sensory items
Fidget toys
Brain breaks
A shared 1:1 (so a 1:2)
Emotion cards
Regulation time
Allowances for schoolwork

At home we:
Do regulation exercises / practice
Model regulation
Talk

In addition I have tried a reward chart (it made no difference). He rarely uses screens (he has no interest in computer games and we just don't tend to put the tele on) so there is nothing in that sense to reduce. The closest to a 'punishment' is to not let him play with lego but that doesn't seem linked to his behaviour.

I have a meeting booked with an education psychologist (although I'm unsure what they do). School are very supportive but they are also at a loss.

Other parents are very understandably worried about the environment being unsafe for their children and I think it's unfair on the other children that their learning is being disrupted.

I have suggested to school that I remove my child from the classroom until further support is available but given we don't know what that support would look like and how long it would take to source, that could take forever and I don't have unlimited leave from work.

Help please. What do I do?!

OP posts:

Original poster

9hdtvey54r · 09/12/2024 22:15

TwixForTea · 09/12/2024 18:15

what is he like after his episodes at school and what is he like at home? Do the self regulation exercises work at home? If yes then I wonder if it is something the teacher is doing that is inadvertently triggering your ds, given this wasn’t such a big problem the last several years.

What perceived unfairness is he noticing? What’s the classroom like compared to last year? Would he be better off sitting alone (less irritating than sitting with others)?

I wonder if you can help him find a way of encountering theses “injustices” without an explosion, maybe find a way for him to register his annoyance that doesn’t lead to a meltdown.

You could also point out to him that he may feel annoyed about some grievance, and he kicks off - but then what? Billy feels annoyed because he couldn’t concentrate on his work because your ds was making a fuss - does that give Billy a right to have a huge meltdown …and then won’t that upset Alice, and then she’ll have a hissy fit, which will upset Arav and he will throw something and so on.

If we are talking unfair, would your ds see the logic that his unacceptable behaviour is unfair on the entire class? And if everyone behaved like your ds, what does he think would happen then?

He may have adhd and autism but he may see the logic of this. And that allowing himself to lose control to the extent other children don’t feel safe, is something he must change and must want to change.

it’s worth a try.

Thank you x

Immediately after he takes himself off to a corner to regulate (and can’t be touched till this has happened) – he then fixates on the perceived unfairness rather than the violence. The unfairness could be someone pushing in, someone saying something unkind to his friend, someone taking his pen without asking – it hugely varies. I’ll have a think on how he could register the annoyance – maybe a book that he writes it in and we can discuss after school? Although he goes from 0-60 so quick I don’t know that he’d remember to write stuff down.

At home, the only time when I see any sort of violence is when he is getting annoyed with his brother. He tends to hit out but most of the time purposely prevents himself from making contact.

The classroom is much louder this year apparently and I wonder if its that. He says he likes the year 3 teacher and he is really enjoying the school topics. I have spoken to school about him learning in a quieter environment so will follow up on if that’s possible.

His dad had a very similar conversation with him (he told him he needed to set his own boundaries in his head and it was up to him to want to stick to those boundaries) and I have spoken to him about how this is affecting his friends. I think he does care but in the moment he doesn’t have the regulation tools to stop himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

9hdtvey54r · 09/12/2024 22:18

coxesorangepippin · 09/12/2024 19:32

How's his diet??

Is he exercising??

It’s interesting you ask this as I realised earlier that this has coincided with him stopping going to swimming classes and with the darker (wetter) nights we don’t go to the park as often after school. I wonder if there is a connection. Luckily his diet is good – he eats everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

9hdtvey54r · 09/12/2024 22:19

Phineyj · 09/12/2024 19:37

@Plastictrees OK, well of course you know best about your own geographical area & practice. My DD was diagnosed by a paediatrician along with a speech and language therapist (ADOS and Qb Check). I've never heard of educational psychologists being involved in diagnosis round here.

Then again, Mencap has the contract for parent support for ASD round here and I would have never guessed that!

What I think this probably demonstrates, OP, is that as the system is not at all parent-friendly, it would be a good idea to get to know local parents with similar children and ask about their routes to assessment, school recommendations, etc.

I found my people on a parent support group on Facebook linked from the websites of one of the ADHD/ASD charities.

I completely agree about the system not being parent friendly. I’d like a nice neat flow chart telling me what steps to take to get diagnosis/ support for my child and no one can give me anything because it’s different for each area/ age/ needs/ shoe size! It’s ridiculous.

OP posts:

Original poster

9hdtvey54r · 09/12/2024 22:21

Wigglywoowho · 09/12/2024 19:48

Are you able to afford to go private?

My son’s dad is looking into getting private health care which should allow us to do so in the new year. From what I understand though, I don’t think a lot more support becomes available just because of the diagnosis. We have looked at what we can access through the private health insurance in addition to the diagnosis though and it includes child mental health support which I’m hoping might be able to help with emotional regulation.

OP posts:

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/12/2024 22:21

the most helpful skill my son learned was to ask to take a break when he started feeling a little bit stressed. Someone would bring him for a walk and he could complain about what was annoying him and get it out of his system - instead of shouting in the class. He is 15 now and probably one of the very best behaved in his year - he still asks to take breaks now and then.

Original poster

9hdtvey54r · 09/12/2024 22:24

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/12/2024 22:21

We've been working on this and when he does it, it's great but he seems to struggle with realising he's about to explode. I'll persevere, thank you.

OP posts:

Phineyj · 10/12/2024 06:40

A lot of private insurance doesn't cover this stuff. I fell foul of that. It was all excluded. A friend had good experiences with Bupa. But she already had the policy when her son's difficulties became apparent.

romdowa · 10/12/2024 06:49

Working with him around "fairness" would also probably since it seems to set him off. Social stories are great for that , either pre printed books or just a visual board that you make yourself or even get him involved in making it.

PurpleThistle7 · 10/12/2024 07:07

My daughter has SEN and exercise and being active is key. It's very obvious when she's not been outside enough or if she skips her dance class for any reason. I know the weather isn't the best but I would try prioritising being outside - or at least being active - and see if that helps. Could the 1:2 take him to an outside area for regular breaks? Could he take his work outside at times? Could you flex your work hours at all to take him on a longer walk to or from school to make sure he's moving around more often? My kids' primary school has an outdoor classroom and nature walks and such and that was brilliant for her - she's struggling a lot in high school with being inside and sitting for the entire day.

Happyinarcon · 10/12/2024 08:12

He’s told you things are happening at school which aren’t fair. Ask them if they use the positive behavior model (I think that’s the name) in the class. This will mean your child will be punished for behavior that the teacher will ignore if another child does it. It’s supposed to encourage bad kids to behave better by overly praising them when they’re good and turning a blind eye when they are bad.

In reality it means that a bad kid will call out the answer to a question without putting their hand up and the teacher will praise them, but if your kid does it the teacher will punish him, often disproportionately punish him. This will go on and on until your kid blows a fuse.

It’s not fair, that’s what you child is trying to tell you. Please listen to him and be on his side. Ask him for details of specific events, help him explain what’s going on even if he’s struggling to pinpoint it.

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