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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

debts and dh - Am I part of the problem?

76 replies

sofaserfer · 08/12/2024 23:34

DH and I have been in quite a lot of debt since 2017. This was the result of unplanned maternity, house renovations and generally not managing our money. We ended up in a frightening amount of credit card and loan debt. At that point we were both managing our own finances (badly) and it wasn't until we sat down and looked at everything that we realised just how bad things were. I have decided not to disclose any figures on here.

In 2021 I had our last child. We really were not in a position to have another child however both in our late thirties, we felt that we had to either do it, or not do it at all. DH had a bit of a payrise around this time so we managed to get through the maternity months. At this point DH took over the management of our finances. This was something that we discussed and if I am honest, I was happy for him to take on this responsibility.

For the last couple of years DH has sorted out all of the bill payments and debt payments. I have always known that we still must have a lot of debt but assumed it was coming down at a decent rate. I admit that I have enjoyed night out/holidays etc without having to worry too much. We haven't really discussed money very often which in hindsight has been a major mistake for us.

One of our credit cards is a card that is in my name - DH sorts out all of the cards etc so I don't ever really know what is going on with them. I saw an e-statement on DH's laptop and the credit card in my name was about 4K than I thought it would have been at this point. It turns out that DH has used this card to plug pay for holidays/house stuff etc. This had led to me digging a bit deeper. I have discovered that whilst the debt has come down from its peak, it's still significant and he has been using cards ( both his own and mine) when there has been a large expenditure such as a holiday, or something for the house.

I got angry about this and told him that he had failed us, and that I trusted him to sort it out and that he had deceived me. He got very upset and poured out a load of stuff that he has obviously be festering over. His view are....

1,I am selfish and have taken a back seat, leaving him with all of the stress of the debt

2.I have enjoyed holidays and nice stuff without asking how it was funded. He felt that he had to find a way to fund these things otherwise I have would have been disappointed in him

3.He accepts that he should have spoken to me before using the card that is in my name, but things that I am hypocrite as I have a couple of of his cards saved in my automatic payments and will sometimes use these without asking.

4.That from now on, I can deal with all of the finances as he is not willing to be the bad guy.

I have gone from feeling raging angry with him, to the point now where I am wondering if I am part of the problem. On the other hand, I trusted him to deal with the finances. AIBU to think that he is more responsible than I am?

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 08/12/2024 23:39

You knew he wasn't good with money, but you abdicated all responsibility because neither are you and now you get to blame him!! YABVU

Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2024 23:40

You are both the problem. I don’t really understand ceding all responsibility for any area of my life.

DH and I have had varying levels of debt over the years but it’s been something we discuss and plan.

We would not, for example, countenance a big holiday whilst paying off debt. The fact you didn’t question how it could be afforded is baffling to me.

You need a proper budget, payment plan and both of you need to be on the same page. Every month you should effectively do your accounts and have a review of your position.

olderbutwiser · 08/12/2024 23:40

Of course you are part of the problem. You knew he was bad when you handed over responsibility to him, and must have had some idea of what was affordable all along given you knew both your salaries and your original level of debt. You need to work together to sort this out. I’d advise getting a third party to help you set sensible budgets in the future.

TeenLifeMum · 08/12/2024 23:41

You knew you owed money but went on fancy holidays? What? How did you think he was able to afford that and pay off the debt? Time to learn and talk about money regularly (like monthly).

50shadesofnay · 08/12/2024 23:42

Of course you are part of the problem! Why bury your head in the sand and continue to go on holidays when you knew you were in debt?

Pull your socks up and tackle it together! Come up with some rules (no foreign holidays until the credit cards are cleared, no purchases above £X amount without the consent of the other, regular conversations about your finances and what expenses you have coming up and where the money is coming from).

This is your money - stop taking such a back seat in your own life. While you turn a blind eye, you are allowing a scenario where your DH could put all the debt onto your card and leave you high and dry. Stop ignoring it, it won't get better on it's own, you need to put in the effort.

TiramisuThief · 08/12/2024 23:42

Yeah i agree with your DH I'm afraid.

You can't hand over all responsibility and worry for something and get shirty about how it's being dealt with.

It sounds like he has been quite stressed juggling it all. He seems to be doing an OK job of getting the debt down.

But you should have known you couldn't really afford holidays etc but you put your head in the sand a bit. Understandable but you can't get angry at your DH.

AllYearsAround · 08/12/2024 23:45

You knew you were in loads of debt
You knew you couldn't afford another baby
You knew you couldn't afford holidays and nights out

Handing it all over to your DH was unfair. Going on holidays you didn't have the money for and then complaining your DH used credit cards is very unfair.

vdbfamily · 08/12/2024 23:46

If you as a couple are thousands of pounds in debt then you don't go on holidays and nights out until you have a handle on the debt. Where did you think the money was coming from. It sounds like you buried your head in the sand, continued to spend in same way as before and somehow expected him to work a magic trick with the same amount of money and an extra child. Make an appointment together with a debt charity line CAP. Work as a team to sort this out. Set a small budget for treats occasionally. Talk to each other and both take responsibility.

Touty · 08/12/2024 23:47

never leave someone else to deal with your finances.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2024 23:49

Why are you going on holiday when you have big debts? How exactly did you think that and your fun nights out were being paid for?

You had to have another baby. You had to have holidays. You had to keep living a lifestyle you couldn’t afford while taking no responsibility for managing your finances and he’s worried you’d be angry at him for trying to stop you while he was left trying to keep on top of things.

How nice of you to now consider you might be part of the problem…

He’s right in everything he’s said. You’ve been ridiculously unfair and irresponsible.

Icanttakethisanymore · 08/12/2024 23:49

How did you think he was ‘sorting it out?’ The only way you sort it out is to spend less. He can’t magic it away. Why are you surprised and why are you blaming him?

Crikeyalmighty · 08/12/2024 23:50

Were you the one pressurising for holidays OP - ? Because I have been your H trying to do the right thing with someone who likes fairly frequent holidays , a reasonable car plus a very nice home etc - all on good money but not mega money and gets in a real joy sucking mood if you ever say 'we can't really afford that'

madaboutpurple · 08/12/2024 23:51

The charity Step Change can help.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/12/2024 23:52

Yup you are part of the problem. You both need to be the solution. You should sit down together and work out a plan, the weekly to execute the plan, then monthly to evaluate the next month, etc.

You can’t abdicate responsibility, stick your head in the sand, and then blame him. I would tell him that his plan of throwing his hands up isn’t kosher either.

StormingNorman · 08/12/2024 23:54

You are 50% of the problem at least. I agree with your DH on all counts.

Time to grow up and tighten your belt.

VeryOddBall · 08/12/2024 23:56

Both are the problem. I think you need to get a financial advisor and let them take the lead.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2024 23:56

I'm curious why you handed over this task. If it's because he does nothing else in terms of housework or admin, I can see why. But if it's just thinking you'd like not to do it, that's incredibly foolish.

The problem is that very few people get to have lots of kids, holidays, nights out, all the trimmings, on moderate incomes. I like nice holidays but I have one child.

You seem to think you could do this when it was fairly obvious you couldn't. And you left him to find a way.

murasaki · 08/12/2024 23:57

I think you might be more than 50% of the problem.

toucheee · 08/12/2024 23:57

Yes, this is on both of you. He should have warned you that you both need to massively cut back spending and you shouldn’t have buried your head in the sand and thought it would all magically go away.

Someone (even your husband) spending on credit cards in your name should worry you! People have been left with thousands of pounds of debt this way!

I don’t trust anyone to pay any of my bills, not even DH. My bills (mobile, gym etc) go out of my account. Household bills (mortgage, utility etc) go out of joint account.

I would never agree not to have sight of these payments being made. You need to take equal
responsibility, OP.

CulturalNomad · 08/12/2024 23:57

I admit that I have enjoyed night out/holidays etc without having to worry too much. We haven't really discussed money very often which in hindsight has been a major mistake

At least be honest with yourself - you had to know that you couldn't be reducing your substantial debt while continuing to live above your means. You are being ridiculous.

Stop hiding from the problem and sit down together and work out a realistic budget and debt repayment plan. This isn't going to go away by itself. So yes, you are equally part of the problem. Now stop acting like two children and get this sorted.

Vaxtable · 09/12/2024 00:01

Yes you are part of the problem. How did you think holidays were possible knowing the debt you were in? Why didn’t you say something ? You are still ordering stuff without a conversation. If you are in debt a lot, which it sounds like you are, then both if you should be working to a budget, both be aware of how you are getting the debt down and both agree all expenditure especially on cards

HereForTheAnimals · 09/12/2024 00:08

You owe your DH an apology, and you need to sit down together to sort this. You are both responsible for your finances.

Anotherparkingthread · 09/12/2024 00:10

I'm sorry but this kind of money mismanagement needs to be addressed by both of you. You can't just flounce off on holidays and spend money going out and expect your husband to shoulder the responsibility of giving you everything you want while also keeping your head above water.

You have effectively treated him like your dad and as though you're some silly 18 year old with their first credit card. You're a grown woman. You need to support your husband through your debt recovery because that's what people in partnerships do. This is both of your problem and you should be fixing it together.

DecemberNC2024 · 09/12/2024 00:21

Your husband is right and you’re being selfish and immature by trying to absolve yourself of any responsibility. You knew you had large amounts of debt but still went on holidays, nights out and had another baby without even wondering if you could afford it all as a family. You turned a blind eye to everything leaving the stress to him whilst you enjoyed yourself. Surely you knew you were living above your means - it’s how you got into this mess in the first place.

Time to be an adult and learn how to manage your finances and take responsibility for your contribution to the mess.

AGoingConcern · 09/12/2024 00:23

You are absolutely equally responsible for this. You’re an adult, you don’t just get to abdicate all financial responsibility to someone else because thinking and talking about it stresses you out. That’s like the husband who spends all his non-working time with his mates or playing video games then comes in and shouts at his wife for the house being a mess and the kids staying up too late.

You need to apologize to your DH for accusing him of deceiving you, and the two of you need to decide to tackle your financial issues as a team. That means sitting down and figuring out exactly what debt obligations you have, agreeing on a plan to repay them, and setting a household budget that will allow you to do that. Then both of you need to take active responsibility in following through. Until you’re out of debt trouble you need to sit down and look at your progress & budget every 6 months at least, and after that it needs to happen yearly. If you feel out of your depth then consider asking a financially savvy friend or family member to sit down and help you with a plan & budget or seeking debt counseling.

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