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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

debts and dh - Am I part of the problem?

76 replies

sofaserfer · 08/12/2024 23:34

DH and I have been in quite a lot of debt since 2017. This was the result of unplanned maternity, house renovations and generally not managing our money. We ended up in a frightening amount of credit card and loan debt. At that point we were both managing our own finances (badly) and it wasn't until we sat down and looked at everything that we realised just how bad things were. I have decided not to disclose any figures on here.

In 2021 I had our last child. We really were not in a position to have another child however both in our late thirties, we felt that we had to either do it, or not do it at all. DH had a bit of a payrise around this time so we managed to get through the maternity months. At this point DH took over the management of our finances. This was something that we discussed and if I am honest, I was happy for him to take on this responsibility.

For the last couple of years DH has sorted out all of the bill payments and debt payments. I have always known that we still must have a lot of debt but assumed it was coming down at a decent rate. I admit that I have enjoyed night out/holidays etc without having to worry too much. We haven't really discussed money very often which in hindsight has been a major mistake for us.

One of our credit cards is a card that is in my name - DH sorts out all of the cards etc so I don't ever really know what is going on with them. I saw an e-statement on DH's laptop and the credit card in my name was about 4K than I thought it would have been at this point. It turns out that DH has used this card to plug pay for holidays/house stuff etc. This had led to me digging a bit deeper. I have discovered that whilst the debt has come down from its peak, it's still significant and he has been using cards ( both his own and mine) when there has been a large expenditure such as a holiday, or something for the house.

I got angry about this and told him that he had failed us, and that I trusted him to sort it out and that he had deceived me. He got very upset and poured out a load of stuff that he has obviously be festering over. His view are....

1,I am selfish and have taken a back seat, leaving him with all of the stress of the debt

2.I have enjoyed holidays and nice stuff without asking how it was funded. He felt that he had to find a way to fund these things otherwise I have would have been disappointed in him

3.He accepts that he should have spoken to me before using the card that is in my name, but things that I am hypocrite as I have a couple of of his cards saved in my automatic payments and will sometimes use these without asking.

4.That from now on, I can deal with all of the finances as he is not willing to be the bad guy.

I have gone from feeling raging angry with him, to the point now where I am wondering if I am part of the problem. On the other hand, I trusted him to deal with the finances. AIBU to think that he is more responsible than I am?

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 09/12/2024 07:03

So he was open and willing in your intertidal discussion? Transaorent? Not trying to hide anything? No abuse when discussing?

I only ask because often financial abuse occurs.

If you were both open, in agreement, everything on the table and he then didn't rein spending in and you didn't participate in any decisions later on, then you're both to blame.

Start again. Strict budget.

DanglingMod · 09/12/2024 07:16

You're both to blame.

I am always flabbergasted to hear of people having any kind of holiday whilst they owe money. Holidays are something you take when you have extra money, not negative amounts. Same with nights out, unnecessary clothes or household items. Maybe I'm the strange one.

NewGreenDuck · 09/12/2024 07:16

You are both adults. You should sit down, together, and sort this out.
Write down your income.
Write down all your debts with the payments.
Work out a proper plan for reducing the debts.
No more expensive items until you are back on track.
Only buy things that are essential. And that does mean essential.
You need to start acting like adults. You are both part of the problem and have to be both part of the solution. And cut up your credit cards. Credit cards are OK if you have a plan for paying them off. But for many they just become constant debt. Too easy to use as it doesn't feel like real money.

Agapornis · 09/12/2024 07:42

You've been a twat.

Would you indeed have been disappointed in him if he'd say no to holidays? In which case you're even more of a twat.

Bananaram · 09/12/2024 07:46

You are being VERY unreasonable, where on earth did you think the money for a holiday and house renovation was coming from when you had a mountain of debt? He is far from blameless, he should have had the backbone to say no to holidays and nights out when you have so much debt, but you let him shoulder all the responsibility of the finances and didn't question how you were affording a holiday?!

And yes, you are a complete hypocrite for getting upset at him using your CC when you admit you have his details on your phone and sometimes use this. Read your OP back and take some responsibility.

DarkAndTwisties · 09/12/2024 07:59

I admit that I have enjoyed night out/holidays etc without having to worry too much.

Without "having to worry"? Or just choosing not to worry because you'd abdicated responsibility?

he has been using cards ( both his own and mine) when there has been a large expenditure such as a holiday, or something for the house.

I don't understand this - you knew the starting level of debt, and that you were going on holidays and spending large amounts on stuff for the house. Where did you think that money was coming from?

I'm with your DH - this is partly your responsibility. You can't just continue to spend and then blame someone else for not stopping you.

HooMoo · 09/12/2024 08:10

YABU. I agree with all the points your husband has made.

gannett · 09/12/2024 08:43

OP is getting a kicking but I do think that if her husband agreed to be in charge of finances, then he should have actually done that and said no to a lot of the big-ticket expenses he agreed to. That said

2.I have enjoyed holidays and nice stuff without asking how it was funded. He felt that he had to find a way to fund these things otherwise I have would have been disappointed in him

If he had said no to those nice things, how would you have responded? Is this a poor excuse from him or is he right?

k1233 · 09/12/2024 08:46

The bane of my existence - people who create significant problems then wash their hands of them and expect someone else to sort out the mess.

You were part of creating the mess, you've contributed to ongoing cashflow demands eg how on earth did you think holidays were a good idea in your circumstances? And now you're shitty your husband couldn't make the mess go away.

The only way to fix it is do it together and be fully aware of all your outgoings. You have to prioritise needs ie reasonable food, electricity over wants ie dining out, takeaways and holidays. Yes, it's awful but you're in that predicament because you spend above your means. You have to do a major reset and that will take both of you being involved.

DarkAndTwisties · 09/12/2024 09:04

OP is getting a kicking but I do think that if her husband agreed to be in charge of finances, then he should have actually done that and said no to a lot of the big-ticket expenses he agreed to.

I agree to an extent. But if DH and I both built up debt, and then he asked me to take care of the finances while he seemingly forgot all about it, and put me in the position of always having to say no to fun stuff like I'm his parent, I'd be fucked off.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 09/12/2024 09:12

Speak to Stepchange, they are incredibly helpful and saved me when I found myself in a similar position. I had just had a baby, then work reduced my hours by half and DH got moved to a different posting that paid a lot less money.

They were amazing, it's hard work getting out of debt but with the right support can be done.

IVFmumoftwo · 09/12/2024 09:22

Both to blame. YABU!

mummytrex · 09/12/2024 09:40

You're both the problem. Choosing to close your eyes re the debt and leave it to your husband to deal with didn't make the debt disappear or get paid off quickly.

You must have a vague idea re your monthly cash available after bills are paid. Is the surplus really so much you honestly thought the debt was being paid down AND that you could afford extra luxuries like holidays? Seems unlikely tbh.

I'm afraid in your husband's position I'd also be telling you to deal with finances too.

user1471538283 · 09/12/2024 09:43

But where did you think the money was coming from?

You must have known that holidays, things at home, expensive nights out were at the expense of something?

You both need to sort out a budget to chip away at the debt.

FuckILookLike · 09/12/2024 09:50

You are equally responsible for this madness! Surely you can see that OP? Why allow him to have sole responsibility when you know he was shit with money management anyway

Cardinalita90 · 09/12/2024 10:28

You've been very irresponsible in your own way here OP and also selfish to shoulder him with the mental burden. However him telling you that you can now manage it all is not appropriate either. You BOTH need to take joint responsibility as a couple to manage and plan how to get rid of your joint debt. That means monthly meetings, holding each other to account, and most importantly a budget that accounts for every single £ that comes in.

I'd recommend looking at Ramsey Baby Steps (they have a YouTube channel too which is interesting to listen to).

Cardinalita90 · 09/12/2024 10:28

Oh and also, freeze that card electronically and cut up the plastic version immediately!

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/12/2024 10:34

Icanttakethisanymore · 08/12/2024 23:49

How did you think he was ‘sorting it out?’ The only way you sort it out is to spend less. He can’t magic it away. Why are you surprised and why are you blaming him?

This!

You chose to produce a child you can't afford, take holidays you can't afford, do home reno you can't afford. Why are you so outraged now that you are deeply in debt?

Debt-free people don't do any of the above.

Heatherbell1978 · 09/12/2024 10:40

Everything he said is correct. I find it mind blowing that you haven't even thought to question where the money for the holidays is coming from when you know that you're meant to be repaying significant amounts of debt at the same time.

ByHardyAquaFox · 09/12/2024 10:55

To be frank, YOU are the problem.

FelixtheAardvark · 09/12/2024 11:15

Anyone in debt and who goes on holiday deserves all they get.
Sorry, but that's how it is.

Pootles34 · 09/12/2024 11:27

Ok so you've had a bit of a kicking here! I do agree with the others but, how are you going forward? I think you've established that one person dealing with it all doesn't work.

If it were me, I would prefer to have a weekly 'meeting' about your finances. Then everyone knows where they are, and you can keep on the same page.

Cosyblankets · 09/12/2024 11:43

Where did you think the money was coming from?

Original poster
sofaserfer · 11/12/2024 09:58

Thanks for everyone's replies. It's definitely given me some food for thought. I can see my errors and I do agree that I have to take some responsibility. We haven't really discussed it again since I first posted, but I am going to try and discuss it with him properly at the weekend.

OP posts:
oldmoaner · 13/03/2025 09:43

All I can say is Grow Up !!!! Sit down with your DH that's if he will sit with you now, list every debt you have,everything even gas, electric, etc, how much each one is, then see what money is left, if any. In future, if you can't afford it, go without!!! Always pay minimum by due date and concentrate in paying extra on one debt till it's paid off, then move into 2nd, no holiday, no nights out, etc etc till debts are sorted to a manageable amount. Seems to me he's got to "buy you" if you don't get what you want, he's scared you'd leave.