debts and dh - Am I part of the problem?

[sofaserfer]

DH and I have been in quite a lot of debt since 2017. This was the result of unplanned maternity, house renovations and generally not managing our money. We ended up in a frightening amount of credit card and loan debt. At that point we were both managing our own finances (badly) and it wasn't until we sat down and looked at everything that we realised just how bad things were. I have decided not to disclose any figures on here.

In 2021 I had our last child. We really were not in a position to have another child however both in our late thirties, we felt that we had to either do it, or not do it at all. DH had a bit of a payrise around this time so we managed to get through the maternity months. At this point DH took over the management of our finances. This was something that we discussed and if I am honest, I was happy for him to take on this responsibility.

For the last couple of years DH has sorted out all of the bill payments and debt payments. I have always known that we still must have a lot of debt but assumed it was coming down at a decent rate. I admit that I have enjoyed night out/holidays etc without having to worry too much. We haven't really discussed money very often which in hindsight has been a major mistake for us.

One of our credit cards is a card that is in my name - DH sorts out all of the cards etc so I don't ever really know what is going on with them. I saw an e-statement on DH's laptop and the credit card in my name was about 4K than I thought it would have been at this point. It turns out that DH has used this card to plug pay for holidays/house stuff etc. This had led to me digging a bit deeper. I have discovered that whilst the debt has come down from its peak, it's still significant and he has been using cards ( both his own and mine) when there has been a large expenditure such as a holiday, or something for the house.

I got angry about this and told him that he had failed us, and that I trusted him to sort it out and that he had deceived me. He got very upset and poured out a load of stuff that he has obviously be festering over. His view are....

1,I am selfish and have taken a back seat, leaving him with all of the stress of the debt

2.I have enjoyed holidays and nice stuff without asking how it was funded. He felt that he had to find a way to fund these things otherwise I have would have been disappointed in him

3.He accepts that he should have spoken to me before using the card that is in my name, but things that I am hypocrite as I have a couple of of his cards saved in my automatic payments and will sometimes use these without asking.

4.That from now on, I can deal with all of the finances as he is not willing to be the bad guy.

I have gone from feeling raging angry with him, to the point now where I am wondering if I am part of the problem. On the other hand, I trusted him to deal with the finances. AIBU to think that he is more responsible than I am?

Holidays,house stuff,nights out ...how did you think they were being financed and debt being paid off at the same time????.
You both have to learn to leave the treating yourselves and get stuck in to paying the debt

@sofaserfer for goodness sake, at least stop the holidays!! they are more expensive now than they were just a couple of years ago. no frivolous spending. no idea how much you owe but you should perhaps start just using cash instead of cards! that way it is more difficult to increase your spending. just cut the cards up.

I think your DH was wrong to carry on spending, he should have said no. And he shouldn't be hiding behind 'you'd have been disappointed'.

But that doesn't mean you're off the hook, far from it. You never questioned where the money was coming from to pay for holidays and nights out? You never thought to suggest that if there was that much available it would be better to use it to reduce the debt further?

You want a champagne lifestyle that you can't afford. Stop pretending that you were innocent in this until now.

Pretty unfortunate that you think a substantial debt can magically disappear by handing over responsibility to someone else

You’re a grown adult

My question is - why are you so avoidant to the reality of your financial situation?

And: when do you want to be debt free for your DC - can you earn more? What can you cut back?

Happened to a cousin. He knew it was fishy, all the "mistakes" and Bill collectors that were lying. Instead of stopping it then he let her go on another year of this and lost their home. I have zero sympathy because he could have taken over the bills and money managing.

You must of known deep down that he was still using the cards if your lifestyle hadn’t changed and nothing significant had changed in your financial situation. Did you both sit down and decide a plan of action before you surrendered all financial control to your DH?

It sounds like he thought you were both happy to just continue the same lifestyle as before. You’re in a vulnerable situation- I’d be having a full and frank discussion pronto- with cards on table (no pun intended!)

If you’re still managing payments etc perhaps step change or similar isn’t the way forward in an effort to not destroy your credit scores and borrowing ability for mortgages etc. Debt consolidation loan?

I guess you had better get on top of the finances and put a budget plan in place pretty damn quickly op, it’s your turn to show you can deliver. If I were you I’d 1. Apologise profusely and say im sorry I was just so shocked and I took it out on you 2. Say yes I will get on top of the finances, I would really like us both to understand them but appreciate it’s my turn to manage them, once I’m over the basics I’d like us to put in a weekly check in on the finances.

Yes, you are being very unreasonable.

You continued to live a lifestyle you one you couldn't afford but completely delegated all responsibility to him to deal with it, and now you're angry that he didn't manage to magic up money out of thin air?

It's was not fair for you to put the burden on him for sorting out finances when it was both your issues.
It was not fair for you to go on holiday without asking where the funds were coming from.
It was not fair for you to get angry at him for not helping out.
Yabu

YABU. You should never have let him take full responsibility when you knew he was bad with money. There’s a certain sense of inevitability about this.

yes, You are equally responsible.

It's really straight forward. STOP SPENDING ON NON-ESSENTIALS.

You can't afford holidays.
When you need something for the house, look on free sites or buy second hand.
Go through your direct debits and cancel everything that is not a utility, mortgage, child activity or regular debt repayment.
Limit xmas spending to £20 on each other
Stop buying anything you do not discuss first
Make 2025 the year of 'make do'
Look at the balance together every month.
Take joint responsibility

Yabu, you knew he wasn't good at money either so you buried your head in the sand and carried on spending and now you're blaming him when you both need to take responsibility for your decisions to sort it out.

This is on you too. How can you just leave the whole responsibility of managing your finances and debt to one of you when you know you’re both not financially savvy. With all your financial situation, you’re enjoying nights outs and holidays and just expect the money to grow on trees so to say. Time to face up to it. You can’t have a champagne lifestyle with your finances

I'm sorry but knowing your in debt and then not ever talking about it is irresponsible. You need to communicate about money properly together. You have joint finances. You can't just pretend it hasn't happened. It takes hard work and planning to get solvent again.
Good luck with it all.

You’re definitely part of the problems d you are both responsible for the mess. It’s a lot to put on him managing all the finances by himself and you’ve just checked out. Why on earth are you going on holidays and nights out when you’ve got debt? You both need to sit down and make a plan and a budget to get the debt down.

All of this plus has he put all the credit cards on 0% deals? If not, you can plug away for years and what you pay barely covers the interest so the debt doesn't reduce.

Plus also the lifestyle spending when you both should have reined it in to a sensible affordable budget that prioritised getting out of debt.

Have a look at Moneysavingexpert.com and do everything that is relevant.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

You are at least 75 percent of the problem. At least he was trying to sort it out? You just what, did nothing?

I can only echo what previous posters have said about how badly you have BOTH handled this situation.

All you can do now is sit down together, apologise to your DH for putting all the responsibility, stress and blame on him. Accept your part in it. Then together, make a detailed list of who you owe money to and how much. Then engage with a third party such as Step Change or CAB to get proper help. Also, stop with the holidays and nights out. If you can't afford it, you can't do it (and shoving it on credit cards isn't affording it, you're spending money you don't have).

Of course you are part of the problem.

You have been happy to enjoy shopping and holidays worry free, you must have known that as a family unit you couldnt really afford this given the debt you already had.

It was unfair to let dh take all of this on and really unfair to have a go at him

Time to apologise ,sit down together and make a strict household budget and both of you stick to it

I think you owe your DH a massive apology. You need to start working together to sort this. It was very unfair for you to just stick your head in the sand and leave it all to him. You are meant to be a team.

Oooooof OP this is a horrible one. You buried your head in the sand and removed yourself from the worry, but you must have known the debt hadn’t gone down by that much at all?

Placing blame gets you nowhere. You and DH need to sit down and get a clear idea of every penny of debt, move and prioritise any debt that is accruing interest and make a plan. If it’s big enough you can probably get assistance paying it all or look at consolidating if that makes managing it easier.

No more holidays! I know it’s miserable. But it’s not forever, if you dig deep now.

Have you posted about this before? It sounds very familiar.
Either way - youve left Dh to sort out a joint problem, continued to spend spend spend and are now confused because he is blaming you? Sorry to say, you are a massive part of the problem.
It’s time to be completely honest (and not lay the blame at someone else’s feet) and get some help for the debt management. But be very clear - holidays and fancy nights out are a thing of the past for the next few years.

Actually, all he had to say was. We cant afford X holiday
Or, the debt isn't coming down, we need to reign it in.
I think he is equally responsible
You need to sit down together & do the figures weekly

This. It’s on you that the overall debt is still significant. I feel sorry for your DH that he’s had to shoulder all the stress of it.

Of course you’re the problem, you gave up responsibility for money when you knew it was a massive issue. I found myself in your DHs position with my ex It was soul destroying being the only one worried about money.

Cut up all the cards
Switch to 0% as much as you can
snowball the debt
As you haven’t disclosed the amount, I’m guessing it’s pretty substantial, so you need to take drastic measures. Stop spending money on anything that isn’t essential, no new clothes, no holidays, no nights out, no haircuts.