To be feeling incredibly sad about not having a cohesive friendship group/wider circle of friends?

[FairTurtle]

I am feeling so utterly miserable about my social life and situation. Sorry for the vent.

I feel bad saying this. I do have friends - two close ones from university, and one really close one from elsewhere. A few others from here and there. I'm always able to make plans/see someone for a drink/go to the theatre/have dinner with someone etc. With the two uni friends, we socialise much more casually too, and hang out all day at someone's house, for example.

However, I was a bit shy at university and going through some personal stuff. Entirely my fault. But I didn't make as much effort to socialise broadly and haven't ended up with a large group of friends/wider network of people I'm in touch with. I'm in my 30s now and most people I meet seem to have a handful of close friends, but often they're part of a larger group and a wider social network of friends and acquaintances. Besides my two university friends, most of the other friends I have are just from here and there, and are individual friendships. I know I could host parties etc and get people together, which I have done in the past, but I don't necessarily think they'd all gel, and in any case it's just not the same as that feeling of affection that comes from the shared history large friendship groups have due to spending a lot of time in the same place.

I make a lot of effort to keep in touch with the friends I do have, but still feel incredibly lonely sometimes. It would be so lovely to have a larger group of friends, walk into a room with several people I know well, and be invited to more things, and just have that extended network of "friends of friends" and lots of people around.

Obviously I'm going to keep making efforts to socialise and say yes to things, maybe join a book club etc, but realistically I just don't see how I will be able to create that friendship group for myself from scratch. I don't have a partner and that feels like something I also want to change, but honestly the friendship thing is getting me down more right now. One of my close university friends, who is absolutely lovely, has such a wide circle of people she's in touch with from university and elsewhere, and her lifestyle is just filled with people and activities and stories. I feel so jealous and my life feels so small in comparison. But I don't actually feel like less of a sociable person, or less interesting, or less fun/likeable than her! It's all down to choices I made. University is typically the time you build these kind of friendships and networks that you're connected with long after, and I didn't utilise the time well in that regard, having come away with only two close friends and no acquaintances.

Not sure what I'm looking for really. Advice? Commiseration? Similar experiences? Positive stories of establishing close friendship groups later in life? Thanks for reading.

Totally agree with this

I don’t have a wider group of friends. i have a few close friends. Some are also friends with each other. We used to meet as a group in some cases but to be honest that rarely happens as it’s hard to get everyone together all at the same time. I don’t feel like i’m missing out i prefer to be 1:1 or a small group as it’s easier to catch up and chat etc.

Op someone said it up thread your looking for a community. And the way to get that is to join a hobby group or church.

I get this, I prefer for my friendships to be in groups rather than having to find the time to maintain each friendship individually all the time. It's fine to have a preference.

That said be kind to yourself because there is a lot of luck involved here.

This is true I think. One of my daughters is desperate for friends, but she has good friends. She seems to want to belong to a group, I think social media is partly responsible, constantly sering posts of people's vibrant social lives. Most people I know just have a couple of good friends or not even that.
Everytime DD seems to get accepted into a group there is always drama, the whole queen bee script, yet their social media just shows all the fun things. I gave up on those types of groups a long time ago.

I know what you mean OP. It's more fun I find in a group as you bounce off each other and you don't have to carry the conversation so much.

I don't really have a big group of friends but I do have a couple of small groups that I see regularly and one of them meets up every few months for a social event. It's much livelier than 1-1 situations. But like you both individuals in these groups have oher groups they're also a part of that make me feel a bit lonely sometimes.

I think it's easiest to find activities where there's already a group: book clubs, rock choir, sailing, park run etc. Then become the organiser. Start with suggesting a coffee after the event, then if/when that bonds try and organise a social event : theatre trip, lunch out etc. Not all groups will bond but it's the easiest way to find a group.

OP you're doing better than myself as I don't speak to anyone from uni, or high school days.

You win hands down in the "I have masses of friends " competition.

22

Social media can make us feel like that, but having a big social circle takes a lot of effort and commitment, can be exhausting and can come with a LOT of drama! If you have a small circle and people to hang out with that's great. You can widen it slowly by asking your friends to include you in things with other friends, joining specialist groups related to your hobbies and, as you've said, by planning and hosting get together

Not everyone likes those things and not everyone will make friends through those things. A meetup group focused on socialising in the best for me. Volunteering, for example, brings you into contact with people but is no more likely to help you make friends than working is.

Lots of groups exist for this kind of thing. Where are you located?

I think you misunderstand me. I suppose that my point is that if you want a small, but good, group of friends that group should ideally be more than two or three friends because if one of those people move you can be left really, really lonely so a wider group of acquaintances is necessary just to keep that small number.

Large interconnected friend groups like you see on Friends on Big Bang is a tv trope. Occasionally you’ll be in a group that’s usually connected by something situational - like all being at university - and the bonds dissolve quickly once the factor that brought people together changes (or those that were placeholding move on to deeper friendships elsewhere).

Even people who have a good few friends are like the sun in a solar system. If you have unchanging, regular hobbies, and a job with low staff turnover, you might have a better chance. But what you see on tv is not the norm.

I don’t have any friends! Be grateful for what you have

This. It’s hard to read that you are ‘utterly miserable about your social life and situation’, and then to read about how many friends you have.

Perhaps for some. Personally I don’t make friends to act as back ups should better friends decide to move. I prefer 1:1 and very happy to have 2/3 close friends.

I think I know where you’re coming from
OP. I sometimes crave being part of a good size friendship group where you can enjoy fun activities together. I have wonderful 1-1 friendships, but feel there’s a limit to the range of activities we can do together. I have friends who go on girls weekend and annual holidays together with old school mates. And then they get to celebrate milestone birthdays as a big group with back to back parties and celebrations. But as previous posters have said social media makes us feel that this is what friendship looks like , so naturally you end up feeling like you’re missing out.
I’m not sure what the answer is, but as others have suggested it might be worth trying to find a group with similar interests to you or even organised socials in your local area through meetup.com
Thanks for posting OP, it helps to know that others feel like this too.. it’s something I’ve been mulling over for a long time.

What an odd comment...? My post isn't supposed to be triggering. I've even acknowledged that I'm fortunate and grateful to have friends, but for whatever reason, the specific issue of not being part of a group is bothering me. That's literally what my post is about. Pretty sure I'm entitled to post that!

Totally agree. I have just removed myself from a wider friendship group as I could not tolerate the queen bee taking the p*ss and everyone ignoring it. I see the friends individually now.

I'm early 40s and have been trying to do lots of stuff. 30s is a good - great - age to get out meeting people. Especially to develop interests in hobbies. My latest thing is Toastmasters. Exercise classes are good. Always follow up people you meet etc. Have a networking mindset.

If you are open to being friends with people of different ages and different nationalities I think this opens doors.

I have a friend who never went to Uni, left school at 16, her husband died and has become a single parent, but has an enormous network now of friends of all ages and backgrounds.

are you really “incredibly miserable”, so jealous” and feel your life is “so small”

because despite having lots of close friends and socialising lots…. it’s not a group of friends?

What do you do for your birthday? why not book a restaurant and invite a few of them?

Added to which, in your thirties? i imagine number are settling down with partners and children

Yep, that's genuinely how I'm feeling. Not sure why you're using quotation marks - I remember exactly what I said.

I have a fair few friends overall, sure, and there's usually someone to ask if I want to do something. But there's only three people I actually see regularly (once every few weeks). All the rest are perhaps once every few months friends. It just doesn't feel like a very active social life based around friends and gatherings. My family is quite small too so maybe that's why I'm feeling it more.