To be feeling incredibly sad about not having a cohesive friendship group/wider circle of friends?

[FairTurtle]

I am feeling so utterly miserable about my social life and situation. Sorry for the vent.

I feel bad saying this. I do have friends - two close ones from university, and one really close one from elsewhere. A few others from here and there. I'm always able to make plans/see someone for a drink/go to the theatre/have dinner with someone etc. With the two uni friends, we socialise much more casually too, and hang out all day at someone's house, for example.

However, I was a bit shy at university and going through some personal stuff. Entirely my fault. But I didn't make as much effort to socialise broadly and haven't ended up with a large group of friends/wider network of people I'm in touch with. I'm in my 30s now and most people I meet seem to have a handful of close friends, but often they're part of a larger group and a wider social network of friends and acquaintances. Besides my two university friends, most of the other friends I have are just from here and there, and are individual friendships. I know I could host parties etc and get people together, which I have done in the past, but I don't necessarily think they'd all gel, and in any case it's just not the same as that feeling of affection that comes from the shared history large friendship groups have due to spending a lot of time in the same place.

I make a lot of effort to keep in touch with the friends I do have, but still feel incredibly lonely sometimes. It would be so lovely to have a larger group of friends, walk into a room with several people I know well, and be invited to more things, and just have that extended network of "friends of friends" and lots of people around.

Obviously I'm going to keep making efforts to socialise and say yes to things, maybe join a book club etc, but realistically I just don't see how I will be able to create that friendship group for myself from scratch. I don't have a partner and that feels like something I also want to change, but honestly the friendship thing is getting me down more right now. One of my close university friends, who is absolutely lovely, has such a wide circle of people she's in touch with from university and elsewhere, and her lifestyle is just filled with people and activities and stories. I feel so jealous and my life feels so small in comparison. But I don't actually feel like less of a sociable person, or less interesting, or less fun/likeable than her! It's all down to choices I made. University is typically the time you build these kind of friendships and networks that you're connected with long after, and I didn't utilise the time well in that regard, having come away with only two close friends and no acquaintances.

Not sure what I'm looking for really. Advice? Commiseration? Similar experiences? Positive stories of establishing close friendship groups later in life? Thanks for reading.

Don't feel bad about it, they're not all they cracked up to be. You're probably better off not having one.

I agree, from what I have read on Mumsnet they are full of drama and failings out about trivial things.

It sounds to me like you have a lot going for you friendship-wise already:

'I do have friends - two close ones from university, and one really close one from elsewhere. A few others from here and there. I'm always able to make plans/see someone for a drink/go to the theatre/have dinner with someone etc. With the two uni friends, we socialise much more casually too, and hang out all day at someone's house, for example.'

That really is a more active friendship situation than many, if not most, people have.

I can't help wondering if what you are really pining for is a sense of belonging?

No real advice, but I'm in the same situation! Like you, I think some of it goes back to being really shy in university and not making the most of it from a social perspective. If I had the opportunity to be in a university environment now that I'm older and more well-adjusted, I think I could give it a much better attempt.

I also hear what you're saying about feeling bad when comparing your social life to other people's. It feels particularly sad when looking at old friendship groups who have moved on without me, though I know it's my own doing, and friendships generally fizzle out for a reason.

I wonder if the answer is finding some sort of group/regular event to attend, so you see the same people on a regular basis, and will eventually (hopefully) form some sort of wider friendship group - bonus points if a lot of the people there have come alone and are hoping to form friendships too. Something like a book club that's just getting off the ground?

Thank you for your comment. I absolutely agree I probably have a better social situation than many people. It's a blessing to have any close friends at all, let alone three. But it just feels...small? I rarely hang out with more than one person at a time!

I also don't necessarily always feel as connected and like-minded as I could to the friends I do have. I think that's probably normal - you won't share a similar worldview to everyone you meet - but perhaps I'm also craving a different type of conversation, maybe more of a meeting of minds and similar interests etc.

Thank you for commenting! Sorry to hear you feel similarly. It can feel quite sad. I realised the other day I don't have any NYE invites, despite all my friends having invites from others in their larger social networks to parties and such. I won't be alone - I have my siblings - but it's not the same.

The book club/regular event idea is great!

Yeah, I'm the same too, I think moving around quite a lot has not helped either. I did at one point have a group of friends while the kids were younger for a few years, but then the kids found their own interests and some of them fell out, there were some relationship break ups and the friendship group broke down, but it was perhaps the happiest I've ever been socially. I do know groups of people who have made friends later in life as neighbours, but I agree the key is to have a regular event that you're able to bond over as there is a better chance of forming a group, but again this isn't a given. I also agree that friendship groups can be full of drama!

I don't really have anyone I would call a friend.
I don't really like getting close to people as they let you down.
I'm happy with this- made peace with it over the years (after being let down by everyone)

There’s still plenty of time to build close friendships - through work, social events/interests. If you meet a significant other they may have a group of friends that you become close with.

I’ve been friends with a group of people since school (around 20 years ago) - it was great in our teens/20s, going out getting drunk/holidays etc. but as we’re getting older, there’s babies & marriages and people are definitely drifting/have other things going on. Also realised how bitchy everyone is - if you’re not there, you’re probably getting talked about.

I’d say you’re better off having a couple of close friends!

Made my most fun friends post 38 - big local group always got something on. Uni friends are lovely but turned into real home bodies and I want more excitement so the z”old friendships job done” model is not necessarily ideal anyway

Not sure why you're looking at my post history?! I do have around 8 female friends. As well as my sisters and sister-in-law I'm really close with. The issue is they're all individual friendships - I'm not part of a wide network or social group that's all connected in some way.

We go for dinner, meet for coffees, cinema trips/theatre with the ones who share those interests, meet after work for a drink etc. I invite people over for dinner and drinks sometimes. The problem isn't really my existing friendships - they are good and mostly strong - it's the not feeling part of a broader group.

I think this sort of wider friendship group is often different in real life to how it seems when people talk or post on social media about it. And if it helps, I am in my forties and nobody I know has this anymore - at most people might talk about a smallish group of female friends from school or Uni. And maybe an NCT group of friends if they were lucky. But even then people drift apart as they get older.

Why do people do this? What on earth have I said in my post that's so suspicious it would prompt you to look at my post history to try to...discredit what I'm saying?! I've literally said in my OP that this isn't about not having friends - I do have a fair few - but a lack of connection to a wider group.

We’ve moved round a lot so didn’t have a wider group since our uni days. We’ve got into exercise. Running and CrossFit. They’re both massively social sports! Our gym and running groups do lots of activities that everyone who’s a member is invited to. Groups full of single people and those with partners - some of whom both are members and some where only one is.

That’s very invested! Do you not have a life?

Well, make this broader group? Invite friends from different parts of your life around for dinner, or suggest a group of you trains for a 10k or marathon or something.

A friend who is very much a one-on-one person recently made a WhatsApp group of all her individual friends. I don’t know any of the others, but there’s been a bit of chat periodically and there’s talk of us getting together for a drink at some point.

So you have friends....but you want community? Or maybe different types of friends/ better friends.

One thing I've realised as I've gotten older...there are lots of people in the same position as you, but it's kind of taboo to talk about not having enough friends. I guess the advice in relation to this is...if you can try and spot the signs that someone else is in this position and be brave and reach out and suggest a social activity you might be successful.

I also think if you can find some kind of hobby or interest that is meaningful to you...then you are more likely to build a community of like minded people. What are your interests?

My friends will only meet at my funeral if I pre decease them. I have a lot of friends but I always prefer one to one interactions. I have had a couple of big parties over the years and invited them all.

I haven’t been part of a big broad friendship group that does a lot together since school and University. I find conversation so much better one to one.

I'm in a similar situation OP - I have quite a few friends that I meet individually, but I'm not in a big group. My husband does though - he has a big group of old school friends, though they are all so scattered geographically now, they only really all get together once or twice a year. But they have the continuous whatsapp chat etc.

I sometimes feel a bit regretful that I don't have that too; but then I am quite introverted & I find mingling & networking situations in large groups quite stressful; so I suspect I would find the idea of big group friendship more appealing than the reality!