To be feeling incredibly sad about not having a cohesive friendship group/wider circle of friends?

[FairTurtle]

I am feeling so utterly miserable about my social life and situation. Sorry for the vent.

I feel bad saying this. I do have friends - two close ones from university, and one really close one from elsewhere. A few others from here and there. I'm always able to make plans/see someone for a drink/go to the theatre/have dinner with someone etc. With the two uni friends, we socialise much more casually too, and hang out all day at someone's house, for example.

However, I was a bit shy at university and going through some personal stuff. Entirely my fault. But I didn't make as much effort to socialise broadly and haven't ended up with a large group of friends/wider network of people I'm in touch with. I'm in my 30s now and most people I meet seem to have a handful of close friends, but often they're part of a larger group and a wider social network of friends and acquaintances. Besides my two university friends, most of the other friends I have are just from here and there, and are individual friendships. I know I could host parties etc and get people together, which I have done in the past, but I don't necessarily think they'd all gel, and in any case it's just not the same as that feeling of affection that comes from the shared history large friendship groups have due to spending a lot of time in the same place.

I make a lot of effort to keep in touch with the friends I do have, but still feel incredibly lonely sometimes. It would be so lovely to have a larger group of friends, walk into a room with several people I know well, and be invited to more things, and just have that extended network of "friends of friends" and lots of people around.

Obviously I'm going to keep making efforts to socialise and say yes to things, maybe join a book club etc, but realistically I just don't see how I will be able to create that friendship group for myself from scratch. I don't have a partner and that feels like something I also want to change, but honestly the friendship thing is getting me down more right now. One of my close university friends, who is absolutely lovely, has such a wide circle of people she's in touch with from university and elsewhere, and her lifestyle is just filled with people and activities and stories. I feel so jealous and my life feels so small in comparison. But I don't actually feel like less of a sociable person, or less interesting, or less fun/likeable than her! It's all down to choices I made. University is typically the time you build these kind of friendships and networks that you're connected with long after, and I didn't utilise the time well in that regard, having come away with only two close friends and no acquaintances.

Not sure what I'm looking for really. Advice? Commiseration? Similar experiences? Positive stories of establishing close friendship groups later in life? Thanks for reading.

I’ve never been one for superficial friendships so I can’t relate. I’d much rather have a few close friends who I know well and who truly care about me.

We’re all different and we do what’s right at the time. Don’t beat yourself up.

Same here op but Im 50s. Prob max 3 loyal friends. Not into big groups though think Im more relaxed if its small. Our school mam group still meet 5 us and I enjoy that. I havent loads friends but feel large groups can be drama too. I meet a few for coffee met them through kids sports

" University is typically the time you build these kind of friendships and networks that you're connected with long after"

No, I don't really agree. Your friendships in later life won't necessarily have much to do with who you went to school or university with. I think you can stop blaming yourself for not making 'enough' friends at university.

The problem with only have a very small group is that if someone moves or is otherwise busy, you're in trouble. It really is good to have a slightly wider group.

Yeah, probably you're right in the grand scheme of things. But the two good friends I do have from university are both still connected to loads of people from our university. I literally just have those two, and find it quite embarrassing/shameful.

The problem is that when you invite people you know from different activities, they won't come unless there are other people you know there so it doesn't necessarily work to try to bring people together like that.

"All my socialising is always one-on-one, never a group situation"

Oh, I wouldn't like this.
I know people who ONLY want to socialise with this, but it's a rare thing for me. I'm not that keen on one-to-ones.

I have none really. I very occasionally (as in once every 5 or 10 years) meet up with old uni friends and I was part of a big group where were weren't all proper friends if you see what I mean. But also, we all live in different places and I want to have friends where I live so I'm not that bothered.

Yeah, you need a balance for sure. I actually quite like socialising one-on-one, and I guess it's what I'm used to, but I'd love to just be part of a group of people I know well and socialise in a more relaxed way!

"I actually quite like socialising one-on-one"

Maybe that's how you ended up in this situation. Try some meet up groups and getting to know certain people from the groups at a separate activity.

I know what you mean OP could you join crossfit or a board game group? I see my crossfit friends daily and me and my board game (originally started from a group and 4 of us girls got on really well so sort of branched off and meet up every fortnight - I am the same age). I don't have a 'big group' I'm part of it - but they cross

Join a sports club or similar

It’s not your fault OP, finding friends is often pure luck. I had an awful year for friendships around 3 years ago. But I’ve always struggled with feeling lonely and as though I have no friends. I’ve read and listened to a lot on friendship and I’m currently exploring the idea that this might be a lack of community and people who have the same morals and values as me, rather than a lack of people. I’ve also wondered if I’m depressed, ill or autistic because I can’t shake this loneliness. Sorry if this isn’t helpful, I think I’m trying to say that maybe there is more to it than a lack of a friendship group.

I feel similar. I know lots of people but don't think the relationship is deep enough to be a friendship. I wish I'd kept up contact with school and uni friends, my personal network would be wider.

I'm looking for a hobby or group to join for more regular interaction. It's often mentioned on here, going to give it a go!

So there are some options here. Find a ready made group - some fun social ones are running club, book club, choir, drama groups, wild swimming. Or be the person that gets loads of friends together (we have one very social friend like this- she’s an absolute expert at creating a group out of her very disparate friends). Or learn to be content with what you have. I like to socialise with my friends individually rather that in a group. But I also belong to a couple of hobby groups.

If that’s what people want. There are no “shoulds” in this world.

So, what do you belong to ?

Have you joined any groups ?
A sports Team
A book club
An art appreciation club
A Wild swimming group
A Rambling group
Sealed Knot
A Running club
A choir
A fundraising group
A campaigning group
Volunteer gardening for your local hospice
Street Pastors

etc
etc
etc ?

I don't think your situation is uncommon at all.

I don't have a 'circle of friends'. Sometimes it's just how life works out around career, moving, family etc.

I do have some individual friends but they don't know each other as they are from different aspects of my life!

I have come to the conclusion that as we get older we will never have a large circle of friends, but who all know eachother, anyway,

I totally get you OP. I think for some people it naturally arises and for others it doesn't.

I am 48, married with 2dc. I think my friendship situation is similar to yours. I've always had wonderful friends, moved around a lot in my 20s and kept in touch and sustained friendships of 20-35 years. I also have friends made in the last decade through work and kids. However, like you, they are mostly separate, from different contexts and I mostly meet 1-2 at a time - I wouldn't invite them all to a party etc. Also, because I moved around and so did they, a lot of my friends don't live anywhere near me, so I don't see them often.

Mostly I just feel lucky I do have amazing friends who care about me, and try not to feel sad about a lack of group. You could try joining groups and see what happens. I used to join groups quite often but always came out with 1 or 2 great new friends rather than a group!

I think you could potentially achieve the group thing through a hobby. My friend has a great social life through her choir. I've made a (very new) group of friends through an art class. Running clubs are good as are other sports clubs. Ideally choose a hobby that has a related social activity - so things that end up with drinks in the pub are a good idea.
I too wish things had worked out differently at uni. I was very lacking in confidence and still find mixing with people quite challenging. But I'd cope with uni much better now than I did back then.

It probably is if in primary school.

Exactly how I would view this too. I am married with several DC so little time to socialise!