What help did you want in your first week postpartum?

[ridl14]

Wasn't quite sure where to post this!

I'm 7 months pregnant with my first and trying to work out what I might want in our first week at home.

I'm from London but we moved a couple of hours away last year to be near DH's family and better quality of life. I have a couple of work friends here now but majority of friends (esp close ones) and remaining family are in London.

My lovely MIL wants to help out postpartum and I'm trying to picture what help I'll actually want. My own family is just my elderly grandma who can't travel and my younger brother who would be very willing to help but has literally no idea what to do with a baby. I do think I wouldn't want any other visitors for the first week.

Part of me thinks amazing, she's been so great bringing us food and helping finish painting our house before the baby gets here, I know she'd want to come and give practical help which I'd love for us to have - especially my husband who tends to try and take everything on himself. We get on well and we lived with her and my FIL for months while buying our house so she's seen me in PJs no make up plenty of times - it's just not quite the same familiarity as someone who's raised you/a best friend.

Part of me thinks I'll be postpartum, no idea what kind of birth I'm going to have or how the hormone drop will hit me. I've read that essay about lemon-sized blood clots and wanting to walk around with leaky boobs out.

I told my husband already I don't want to make any plans for after the birth until we get there, and he said whatever I want, we'll do.

What did you want/need? Someone staying overnight or for days at a time? Coming over once a day or during the day? I feel like help cooking, cleaning and holding the baby so we can shower etc would be great but I'd also like some quiet time or to know I can wander round half dressed and crying and not feel self conscious. Plus I'd like to really be able to grab sleep upstairs when I need to without hearing anyone talking or things going on downstairs and have all the time I want to bond with my baby.

First weeks I wanted to be left alone to establish breastfeeding. H accommodated this by fetching me things and keeping me hydrated. That was all I needed really.
He cooked the meals etc.

Didn’t need any help. Dh was around for a day or two depending on whether I came home on a week day or weekend. Always found the first weeks the easiest as babies slept most of the time. When I had my third I was up and walking the older one’s to school by day 2 as dh works for himself and needed to work.

Home cooked, nutritious foods. I batch cooked loads but there’s nothing quite like someone bringing a home cooked meal round. I would have loved someone who did practical stuff like the dishwasher and washing etc. I was happy with the baby bit.

Thanks everyone this has genuinely been so helpful! I really wanted to know from experienced mums if I was being crazy to turn down some of the offered help and I do feel guilty about it as MIL has been doing a lot to help us out.

My gut feeling is still that I don't want to make or confirm any plans until after the birth and see how I feel, but that I'm leaning towards not having visitors the first week and not having anyone staying overnight. My DH is very hands on and reliable and also WFH full time so I've definitely got him as support. I think having some visits during the day with food/to do some light cleaning would be great but I'd really like time for us to bond as a family and just rest and try to breastfeed.

I think MIL has been expecting to come and stay the first week even though she lives locally. She has spoken to me about combi feeding which she did and said whatever is best for the mother is best for the baby. Which I definitely agree with but I'd also like to try and establish breastfeeding and hopefully see a lactation consultant to try and get it going. I know she ended up convincing my BIL and SIL to let her give their first baby a formula bottle while they got some rest (baby was tongue tied and I think they did combi for a bit then just formula). Very well meant but I'd just like some time to get to know my baby and how to look after him without feeling like an apprentice as someone else takes care of him - prob sounds very petty and maybe I'll end up being really grateful for the help but I want to start out feeling competent.

No, your feelings are very intuitive. That’s exactly what sort of feelings can come up, feeling like an apprentice and wanting to figure it out yourself with your DP.

I don't think you will need any help if your husband is there. He can do shopping, cooking, washing up, laundry. That will still leave hours each day for him to hold the baby etc. It doesn't take more than 2 people to look after one baby. Plus there are a lot of midwife visits which keep you busy and you might want some privacy for that. You will want to feel free to go and sleep without feeling rude, that kind of thing. Personally I welcomed visits of a few hours but wouldn't have wanted anyone staying but maybe if you have a big house it might be more feasible.

You might be more grateful for help once he's back at work, especially if he's out of the house long hours. Although it's important to feel free to go for walks, go to baby groups etc too.

Having said that, if mil is nice and a good cook, it would be a shame to turn that down, I would accept her offer and involve her.

My first birth was quite long and difficult and I ended up with quite a few stitches. I spent the first week either asleep or sitting breastfeeding ds1. My dh's job was to change nappies, hold ds whilst I slept (on the rare occasions he was off the boob) and provide food and drinks. When my mum arrived on day 4 we achieved laundry, shopping and housework and dh got an occadionsl break. MiL visited and brought food.

In retrospect I can't really explain why it needed 3 adults to support 1 small baby but initially it so did.

For me (straight forward vaginal birth) people popping in for practical help was best. My mum came to help me clean about 2 days after my daughter was born. My dad sat and held her while we did it (and yes I felt physically fine). Things like prepared food I could just heat in the oven, unloading dishwasher and hanging up washing were also helpful. I would not have wanted anyone staying over, however family all live close, so no one would have even thought of staying.

Someone to take the baby for a walk so that I could take a nap. Someone to hold the baby so that I could take a shower

The thing is though depending on the birth, there’s more than just the baby to look after- there’s also a brand new mother who may be recovering from a really difficult experience.

My baby is 8 months old now but my birth with her was difficult, induction, episiotomy, forceps, tears, sepsis in labour, neither of us had any sleep for basically 3 nights all in due to that long experience in hospital, it was really me that needed taking care of in that first week and that would have only left my husband to take care of a newborn baby and me. Organising my medication, doing my daily injections, I couldn’t get into our shower or feel confident standing in the shower without someone there those first few days, on top of making sure we had clean clothes, food to eat, going to the shops etc.

An extra pair of hands means that while one looks after the baby, the other can look after the mother.

Everyone is different but it really isn’t as easy as “it doesn’t take more than 2 people to look after 1 baby”, 2 perfectly healthy well rested people and just one baby to contend with, you’re right it doesn’t. But 1 newborn baby, 1 exhausted new dad running on 10 hours sleep in 3 days and 1 exhausted new mum who has lost a lot of blood, has stitches, is rattling with medication and can’t even confidently get up the stairs- yeah, extra help is very much needed.

I agree no overnight visitors but it would be mean not to let mil visit in the first week. 2 visits of 2 hours each won't do you any harm. I wouldn't expect her to clean though, your husband can do that.

If she's the type to give unwanted advice then the best thing you can do is not discuss your choices or any medical details with her. She doesn't need to know about your breastfeeding difficulties, how the baby is growing, whether the baby is sleeping. You can be vague on these things, unless you actually want advice but to be honest there are better sources of advice than a non professional who has probably forgotten what they did 30 years ago anyway

Fair enough but this is very much a worst case scenario as I had the 5 day labour , traumatic birth, stitches, injections, meds too and didn't need any extra looking after other than food provision. New parents are never well rested and mostly manage fine..

Second this!

I don’t think your MIL needs to stay over if she lives locally. Or even come every single day. I do think it would be quite mean to not allow her to see her grandchild for a week or more.

Id take up any offers of food. Or housework. You might find you don’t need it and you and DH manage just fine between you, or you might be unwell, sleep deprived and struggling to string a sentence together and DH not much better!

I also agree that what would be most useful is consistent support, especially once your DH goes back to work.

That’s good for you and I’m glad you managed, but not everybody does. In any other situation where somebody would come out of a procedure which requires cuts, stitches, blood loss, daily injections to follow up, daily medication for weeks to follow and be told, as well as a huge hormone shift, they would be told to rest as much as possible, get a good sleep and recover, eat and drink, take it easy.

Yes, people manage when they absolutely have to but it’s far from easy and if there are people there willing, able and asking to help, that help can make a whole world of difference. You don’t get extra points for skipping out of the hospital and doing everything yourself, genuinely, anything that can be done to make that initial period easier is worth doing.

I could probably manage a 25 mile walk fine if I had to, but God it would be a lot easier if I just got in the car and drove. Being able to manage doesn’t necessarily mean managing is the best way to do things if there is other options and help available.

I think the other thing about help post partum is that some people - introverts like me - would find it stressful and TBH overwhelming having people staying even if they were super helpful.

I really just wanted it to be me and DH, I was so much happier than way

Oh yes I'm not counting my in laws as visitors - I told DH they're basically the only people I'd want seeing us in that first week. I'd assume they'd want to come to the hospital or our house depending when we get home. And I'm sure she'd want to come over at least a couple of times, I just don't want it to necessarily be 12+ hour visits or overnights

This is a bit off track from your thread, but something I was struck with in all 3 of Mt pregnancies was how hungry and thirsty I was after each birth.

One baby was born in time for breakfast, but the other 2 came at 9 - 10 at night and by the time I was on the ward it was gone midnight. I'd highly recommend bringing plenty of food and drink with you as there were no options but some very dry toast for me at that time of day.

Easy access food will be a big thing in the first week too, so anybody who could make you some of of your favourite sandwiches, or pop out and stock your fridge and freezer for you, would be a godsend.

Yes this sounds a bit like me as well. I really love my in laws, they're so sweet and helpful, for example we asked them to look in on our house when we went away over summer and they came over and watered our plants, put food in our fridge just before we were due back and left.

I do like their company but the idea of extended visits every day like the whole day or staying days at a time feels a bit overwhelming. I really want time to breathe and fully relax and I get that best on my own and with just DH.

We had a weekday recently where my MIL was coming over to help my DH with decorating and actually let herself in with her key a couple hours earlier than they'd agreed, so he found her downstairs when my BIL (also due round) rang the bell. We were actually both still asleep - I had a day off (Christmas shopping day, I'm usually at work full time so only clue was our car was still outside) and had slept really badly with baby kicking lots, and DH had stayed up until some ridiculous early hour doing decorating prep. I felt kind of invaded tbh just at the coming in unexpectedly with a key, even though I'm still really grateful for the help and she even brought food over unprompted. She said to DH she hadn't wanted to wake him up which I do get if she didn't know I was home but still, it's what got me thinking about postpartum and wanting to be a bit clearer about what I'm okay with and what would be most helpful.

This is great advice, thank you! I heard recently apparently giving birth uses the same amount of calories as running a marathon!

Food handed to me regularly and laundry done.
I didn't want anyone to hold my baby for me! I needed regular massive meals and a I sweated a lot so sheets had to be changed.

Someone in the house staying would have been awful

Someone to sit with the baby while you shower and home cooked meals in that you can heat up, my mother in law also left cakes and biscuits so we had stuff in for the visitors that come xx

I'd have appreciated someone to bring food and make me drinks (as I got very thirsty breastfeeding).

No paternity leave in those days though so I really was on my own with baby a lot!

That's really thoughtful of her!

Clothes/dishes doing. Bringing shopping/meals.