What help did you want in your first week postpartum?

[ridl14]

Wasn't quite sure where to post this!

I'm 7 months pregnant with my first and trying to work out what I might want in our first week at home.

I'm from London but we moved a couple of hours away last year to be near DH's family and better quality of life. I have a couple of work friends here now but majority of friends (esp close ones) and remaining family are in London.

My lovely MIL wants to help out postpartum and I'm trying to picture what help I'll actually want. My own family is just my elderly grandma who can't travel and my younger brother who would be very willing to help but has literally no idea what to do with a baby. I do think I wouldn't want any other visitors for the first week.

Part of me thinks amazing, she's been so great bringing us food and helping finish painting our house before the baby gets here, I know she'd want to come and give practical help which I'd love for us to have - especially my husband who tends to try and take everything on himself. We get on well and we lived with her and my FIL for months while buying our house so she's seen me in PJs no make up plenty of times - it's just not quite the same familiarity as someone who's raised you/a best friend.

Part of me thinks I'll be postpartum, no idea what kind of birth I'm going to have or how the hormone drop will hit me. I've read that essay about lemon-sized blood clots and wanting to walk around with leaky boobs out.

I told my husband already I don't want to make any plans for after the birth until we get there, and he said whatever I want, we'll do.

What did you want/need? Someone staying overnight or for days at a time? Coming over once a day or during the day? I feel like help cooking, cleaning and holding the baby so we can shower etc would be great but I'd also like some quiet time or to know I can wander round half dressed and crying and not feel self conscious. Plus I'd like to really be able to grab sleep upstairs when I need to without hearing anyone talking or things going on downstairs and have all the time I want to bond with my baby.

I think it depends on your birth, I had 1 awful birth and felt horrible for weeks afterwards. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hibernate (I think it was my body trying to tell me to take it easy and recover)

But I also had a relative easy birth and felt absolutely fine afterwards. Was happy to have visitors and potter around etc.

Both times things I liked it when people brought food and helped tidy up after making said food. Just making themselves helpful and looking after us rather than just wanting to cuddle baby all the time.

Personally, nothing. We spent the first few weeks in a little newborn bubble. I loved it and was upset when DH had to go back to work. We live hours from any family so had very few visitors. It was bliss.

Because this is your first baby and you don't know what you need until you know (it's so personal).... as unhelpful as my response is I think my true answer is that you simply need someone who will respect and do their best to provide whatever it is that you need in the moment.

I've had 3 babies and in my experience the following were helpful:

Meals
Housework
Laundry
Time for a bath/shower
Company when I wanted it
The opportunity to sleep when I wanted it
I had no concerns about handing my babies over for cuddles and being given them back whenever felt appropriate, but if you feel you may get twitchy this might be something to consider. Same with people overstaying their welcome or creating work for you (the best visitors are those who bring their own food/biscuits, make tea, clear up after themselves and know when to leave). The last thing you need is to be running around after visitors, so make it clear that you won't (or delegate to your DH, but not at your own expense... he needs to be available to be your "personal assistant" while you're recovering, establishing breastfeeding, etc).

Edit to add: my mother stayed a night when I had my second baby (at home), to help look after my older child while we rested/got to grips with juggling two. This was very welcome. My mother didn't stay when I had my third (also at home) because I didn't feel I needed the help... however my parents did spend the while day with us and my father cooked us a roast dinner while I hibernated in bed napping and doing skin to skin. Bliss!
(I spent 5 days in hospital with my first, so we were just happy to get back to our own space at that stage...)

I've 2 kids, 2 c-sections and both exclusively breastfed

I don't really understand this whole obsession with help thing

I also never, ever walked about with my leaky boobs out or sat on the sofa marinating in my own blood

Up, showered, hair and makeup done

I found the newborn days very relaxing

It depends on the person but I had a difficult birth and became really unwell immediately after I gave birth so was discharged with 6 weeks of daily injections and about 5 different tablets to take each day which all had varying rules about take with food/take on empty stomach/take twice a day/take three times a day. As a result one of that one of the most helpful things my mum did was listen to all the rules about everything when I was being discharged and then organised all of that for me, put it in a pill box and just told me what to take and when. She came round with food & supplies every day that week, made sure we both had something nice and nutritious to eat, did some washing, generally tidied, she helped me have a shower as with my stitches I struggled to step up into our shower so needed help, helped me into clean pj’s etc, but above all the one thing my mum did in that first week which I appreciated and needed probably more than anything else was she just held me. While I was breastfeeding and recovering, exhausted and hormonal, she looked after me so that I could look after my baby and I’ll truly never be able to thank her enough for that

@waggytaildog That's great, I’m so pleased for you. For some people, a rough birth and physical aftermath, plus an unwell baby, plus trouble establishing breastfeeding make the newborn weeks very hard indeed. Perhaps you might want to consider showing some empathy for women in that situation.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I agree with the sentiment of this but having said that, OP might be able to have both! In which case, take all the help you can get OP! We had very limited practical support after DC1 and pretty much none after DC2 and DC3 sadly. We managed ok of course but we would have been a lot calmer and healthier if we'd have had more help.

Someone who comes in at a regular time, puts the kettle on, tidies up, puts a wash on and puts away the wash they did yesterday, asks if you’d like some food and makes it without bothering you about where the bread (or whatever) is kept.

This. Someone who frees you up to basically lounge around breastfeeding in comfy clothes.

So someone who makes you cups of tea, does cleaning & laundry, brings you a sandwich, make the dinner. Or if you've got one of those babies that cries if not held continuously, holds the baby while you have a nap/go to the loo/shower. But doesn't pester you to have a hold just when the baby has latched on well for the first time etc

Your approach sounds fabulous and as though it worked beautifully for you (I actually did something similar myself with babies 2 and 3, because I felt able to), however I believe that everyone is different, some people have harder births/recoveries than others and/or just handle it differently. In most cultures, a mother has historically been recognised as needing a lot of support, for good reason. With my first baby I simply couldn't do anything other than struggle through constant cluster feeding (tongue tie issues), my leaky boobs really were always out and I felt like an absolute mess. I barely had a moment to myself to shower/get dressed because he was clingy and the fourth trimester "I need my mother at all times" vibe was intense (in a way that it wasn't with subsequent babies, their personalities and needs were just different)... it was far from easy or relaxing. I think if I'd have had more help and support I may have been able to avoid PND (although there's no way to know for sure). There's definitely no shame in planning for/needing/asking for help if you feel you need it.

If I could I'd give you a cmpa baby , have your gp fob you off that it's colic , baby screaming 16 hours a day , vomiting up half of every feed and constant poonamis. Let's see how relaxed you'd be then 🙄🙄

I honestly didn't require anything. I was up cooking etc within a few days. What I valued was visitors leaving after an hour and not overstaying their welcome. And if they turned up with Starbucks for me haha.

I've 2 kids, 2 c-sections and both exclusively breastfed
I don't really understand this whole obsession with help thing
I also never, ever walked about with my leaky boobs out or sat on the sofa marinating in my own blood
Up, showered, hair and makeup done
I found the newborn days very relaxing

Good for you. My straightforward C section was like this too.

My natural birth wasn't. I was so anaemic i couldn't get out of bed at all for 3 days or climb stairs for a week. I had internal and external stitches and also was on a huge iron dose which made going to the toilet for a poo a horrendous ordeal. I also got light headed in a hot shower or using a hair dryer so while i washed my hair, i couldn't easily dry or style it. I had split bleeding nipples so breastfeeding was difficult and took ages, DS feed constantly at first.

Within a couple of weeks I was absolutely fine but i really did appreciate the help at first.

Oh and WaggyTailDog try having a tiny prem baby with reflux from having a nasal tube, who can't latch without shields etc and needs to be against your skin to stay warm and maintain energy when feeding. Yes, i had to have my leaky boobs out.

My parents came for a few days when my DD was a week old. They did all the practical things like cooking, washing up, laundry, hoovering, making cuppas and going to the supermarket. Mum kept me topped with drinks and snacks and dad mowed the grass. DH and I were in a sleep deprived daze and all we had to do was sit on the sofa with the baby. It was bliss!

In the early days of breastfeeding you take care of the baby's needs and let others take care of your needs. All you should have to think about is getting to know your little one. Not having to think about food or house things was amazing. Knowing that my mum and dad were there to hold baby while I showered or napped was so helpful. ( my dh was there for the first few days but in the days before paternity leave he was called back to work abroad).

I think this is so personal.

I didn't want or need anyone other than DH to help. I was happy for the grandparents to come and meet the baby but I really didn't want anyone to come and stay.

I didn't really feel there was much that needed doing that it was helpful for someone else to do:

I did the breastfeeding
DH did the nappy changing and cooking
Our cleaner continued to do the cleaning

My mum would stick a washing on, make me a sandwich, run a hoover round the place. Things like that really helped as I actually didn't need help with the baby, it was everything else I couldn't do while I had the baby.

My in laws meant well and kept inviting me out for lunch and offering to pay which came from a good place but I really really didn't want to do that.

It would have been helpful if they came down with some food and then tidies away the plates and cups afterwards.

Nothing. Quick visits were fine but I mostly wanted to be left alone to get to grips with breastfeeding and spending time as new parents together as a family.

Feed me
wash clothes
reassure me that I’m doing ok job with baby and that anything I’m worrying about is normal
feed me
hold baby when I need the loo or shower
feed me

Any help with the washing and tidying possible would be a god send!

Sleep

Someone to tidy up and do all the house stuff, take the baby and let you rest between feeds, bring food shopping, or take baby and let you go for a walk if you want to get out. Or go for a walk with you. It honestly really depends how you feel. I think the best help would be asking you exactly what you want/need.

I realised recently I would have loved people to look after me, so I could look after the baby. My parents and in laws and DH were all excited and focused on looking after the baby, instead of helping to facilitate me looking after the baby. After a difficult birth I couldn't do much, but wanted to. They all bonded with the baby whilst I felt like least important person in the world. Their excitement took over and I was weak from the trauma and couldn't advocate for myself. Think what practical things would help you do what you need to do. In the first days, weeks, year. Cooking, cleaning, driving, meal planning, getting drinks, etc, gifts for you so you feel human, flowers, books, tv, that you like, even just telling you that you are doing great if you need to hear those words. I found it all such a struggle and was so so lonely and miserable whilst everyone else thoroughly enjoyed the newborn phase. Tell them all now what your expectations are and what being looked after means to you.

I'm sure that was great for you but I lost so much blood that I couldn't actually stand up long enough to have a shower in the first week. And I could only wee in the bath.