To think that two grown men could have decided this...?

[5FootMama]

So, in the throes of a class party at soft play where I was trying to both sort the table for the cake and deal with the small child having a meltdown. I tell the husband, he needs to sort the cake and the candles. He looks clueless. I just say "put the candles in the cake, bring it here for lighting" he goes with another dad. He comes back "where are the candles?" .... "In the bag next to the cake".... Come back "wheres the lighter? ... "In the same bag... Just look"

I have a clingy limpet child in the verge of tears, whilst I'm sorting the table out, and 2 minutes later the men both come traipsing back saying "we need you for the cake there's a problem"

Brilliant 🙄 I go back to cake to find out the issue, thinking it's been dropped or some kid has stuck their hand in it or something..

No. No... THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ON THE CAKE TO PUT THE FUCKING CANDLES.

Two grown men needed to have me decide where to put 4 candles on a rectangular cake...

Fork handles... Sorry couldn't help it

I have a different theory about this from seeing how useless some of the male lab members become after getting long-term girlfriends or marrying. I think it stems from when they do something and then their DP says 'not like that' and they get to the point where I've noticed they won't attempt to do simple things anymore because because of the expectation of being told they have done a simple thing wrong (again).

Why on earth did you marry this man ? Why ???

Are you though the wife that is constantly negatively commenting about how your husband does stuff? Always correcting? Not letting husband do anything without making a snide remark? You’re probably not, but some women are, and reflect for a moment if you are. Because if you are I can tell you that it gets to a point where you are so demoralised about always being wrong that you give up trying and just ask, because you can never be right.

Could they not do it? Or is it that they were worried that they would be told they'd done it wrong?

Some people do not give a shit about things like where candies on a cake would go (a lot of men ime fall into this category). They couldn't care if they were all in a group, or spread out evenly, or all in one corner etc. Some people REALLY care about this (a lot of women ime fall in this category) and would be annoyed if the candles were not artistically arranged on an expensive or special cake.

I know I am like the latter and my DH is the former so he would check with me first as he has no clue what MY expectations are, so wants to checked he doesn't get it "wrong".

If I wasn't around he would just whack the candies any old way which is of course fine. Neither way is actually wrong. Someone is also more likely to do this (want to check) if they will be (or perceive themselves to be) criticised for making the "wrong" choice when actually there's no right or wrong or way of checking, it's just different opinions.

That’s my joke 🤣🤣🤣

2% think you are being unreasonable OP.
Maybe they just don’t know the answer either 🤯

I am a woman who is perfectly competent at many, many things, but married to another woman who frequently criticises the perfectly valid way I choose to do something, because it isn't exactly how she would have done it. Putting candles on a cake would be a good example. It is exceptionally demoralising and frustrating. Just take a moment to reflect on whether you are like that. If not, he's an idiot.

Ahh that's good. If it isn't the greatest comedy skit ever I'd like to know what is.

Well how many men have to rescue their partners when they have car issues or other 'men' jobs (to use the old cliches), there is being genuinely incompetent and there is 'it has to be done my way if not you are useless' so depends on the backstory

Ooh...here we go. A man has turned up to explain why a man's incompetence is a woman's fault.

Weaponised incompetence: guaranteed way of ensuring your workload gets cut down because you can’t do the most basic of tasks.

Sound like mummy's boys... mummy did everything for their little prince

It's not always straight-forward.
Could you provide a photograph of the cake, and a diagram for the required candle positions.
Thank you

On the face of it, yes this seems ridiculous. But are you the kind of person who has a very strong idea of how they want things done and thinks their way is the right way (and will definitely let them know that) - or have they been brought up with parents like this?

My parents are like this so, although I try hard not to behave similarly to your DH, on certain things I do have to consciously fight the programming my upbringing gave me (and if you behave like my parents then you have only yourself to blame for your DH not wanting to do something the 'wrong' way)

Clearly he needs more practice so that he feels less anxious - next year he organises the whole party.

oh behave.

Isn’t it strange how men are so deeply influenced only by the women in their lives?

I can be like your wife and I try very hard not to correct my DH when he does something OK but not my way. It's a learning curve but accepting he does things differently but not wrong has been good for our relationship (and my mental load)

Exactly! More likely they've picked up bad habits from their useless, lazy fathers but it's easier to blame the women in their lives.

I mean, pretty much everyone still blows out candles.

.... Everyone ...

Who fucking cares where the candles go?

Again, that's a pathetic behaviour. They can grow a backbone and take ownership. I've definitely done that with my DP, especially with our 1st child, and when I did/do say "not like that" and I'm overstepping (sometimes, I'm just right and it's not the right way to do) he goes "You have your way and I have mine". We're capable of communicating why we do things differently and we're capable of taking advice on board when needed, but also capable of saying "I've got this thanks, no need to intervene". The "ooh I have to walk on eggshells so I don't dare doing anything" is also part of the weaponised incompetence.

I’m not in the UK, but it wouldn’t occur to most people here to put candles on the cake, spit on it and expect other people to eat it. That ended many years ago.

If you want candles you use a candle snuffer.