To think friends STBEXH is delusional??

[Paddymcpaddy]

Friend and her DH of 20 odd years are separating - they have 2 school aged kids.

When they met they earned similar amounts but friend went PT when kids were born, earned less for 10 years but now works FT. The DH did little childcare, has a great career earns 3/4x more than she does.

The DH wants to sell the family home and spilt the equity - about £400k each- and then pay some maintenance towards the kids. But they’ll be 50/50 custody he reckons so not much.
HOWEVER his pension pot is close to £1m, friends is £300k as she earned less, went on maternity etc.

He says - we’ll be leaving the pensions out of any financial settlement. The kids will get his if he dies. She’s now worried how she’ll get a new house and mortgage on her salary even with that £400k deposit as they live in London.

I have told her she is MAD if she agrees his pensions doesn’t come into it! They’ve split all the bills 50/50 all these years, which left her without much extra and he put loads of his spare cash into pension and savings.

Should it not be assets + pension + savings added together then divided by 2??? Everything they have was earned when they were together .

Better that than being poor in her old age.

Who cares if he is pissed off? Exes are always exes for a good reason…

In a similar situation I was able to negotiate a 52/48 % split in my favour - might not sound like a lot but on a largish asset pot it can add up to a not insignificant amount of money.
She needs to get a full picture of all the assets, work out what her goal is (eg it was important to me to be able to stay in the marital home until the kids leave school) and then see a good lawyer (which doesn’t necessarily mean an aggressive lawyer, no point spending so much on legal fees the assets are seriously diminished)

Even if going to mediation it is still worthwhile consulting a good lawyer. I found it extremely helpful to be able to go into the mediation with a clear idea of the minimum I would be entitled to and the factors that would go in my favour if it went to court. I didn’t spend a fortune on legal fees but it was money well spent.

Every asset should/needs to be added in for the lawyers to negotiate over. Including the cars. The cost of a decent family sized car these days is significant.

This - the £15k difference between my very old but functional Toyota and his very new Volvo will be more cash towards my house deposit.

He earns 3 or 4x more because she sacrificed her earning power, and she has to be compensated for that (by him). A decent lawyer will be able to argue for that (I don't have time to Google now but there are similar cases in the UK where the women has been paid compensation for that loss)

Friend needs to get a shit hot lawyer and follow all their advice.

She needs legal advice and a consent order agreed asap. She absolutely deserves her share of his pension, her own is less because she was raising their children and he should recognise this.

She's been a mug for long enough, paying 50:50 🙄.

Take her to a lawyer, if she lacks the will to sort it herself.

What happens when her ex remarries and he decides his pension goes to the new wife? Her children may never inherit it.
She needs to include the pension in any agreement

Future relationship?

Ha, he's swinging the lead and he knows it. My exH tried this, also tried to get me to use advice from Wikivorce 🤣

Greedy bastard, isn't he?

It really is about time she found her feminist streak. And a really, really good lawyer.

That’s useful thanks

As a heads up for other people, I worked and was then a SAHM. DH and I have joint retirement savings which helps avoid situations like this. Our house is also in joint names.

Your friend wasn't able to contribute to a pension as she was saving the family money by caring for the children and enabling her DH to pursue his career by enabling him to travel without worrying about childcare. She should have a share in his pension as she was part of the reason he was able to earn so much.

Tell her that her STBXH isn't being a friend or caring about their joint DC will be looked after because he is trying to rip her off and deny their DC a decent standing on living.

Agreed! I’m in a similar position, the lower earner because of having kids… this kind of thing g does worry me…

Of course pension pot should be inckuded

as tbh it pisses me off that there is no longer spousal support etc or something to balance out the long term financial career sacrifices women make for childcare

she would be insane to martyr herself - he’s hardly going to treat her better

She really does sound quite subjugated. Like she is responsible for smoothing everything over to her and her children’s detriment.

can’t stress enough that she really needs a brilliant lawyer: it might cost her 10k but it will ensure she gets the half a million quid she is likely entitled to. Look at it as commission. You’d pay a higher % on some holiday credit card transactions.

He’s shafting his children too. If they had a fair split and they both had the kids 50/50, all good. But him protecting his weekly spends … that directly impacts on the kids for half of their waking hours if he does end up getting 50/50 which is not a given, especially if the kids don’t want it and are older.

That’s a very good point, pensions can be left to anyone…

I've got a better idea, OP can keep the house and they can 'leave that out of any financial settlement'. Then they can divvy up the pension pots 50/50 instead.

She’s a mug if she doesn’t seek a fair share of his pension. Her ‘friends’ sound sexist.

Definitely.

The reality is that this bloke could not only remarry but also, unlike the friend, still have a second family easily enough. Happens all the time. This isn't just OPs chance to secure a fair settlement for herself. It's also about maximising the assets for their DC.

Her relationship with her ex is likely to be better going forwards if she has clear boundaries and is assertive. Once you separate, the relationship and exoevtations change, and being clear about the new relationship now will make future disagreements easier.

If he had overpaid the mortgage rather than the pension, there would be more equity to split - it's all income from the marriage which has been invested and which she is entitled to.

Men can have weirdly strong emotional attachments to their pension - it's very strange but shouldn't be pandered to.

My partner and ex agreed a larger split in the capital from the house for her as her pension was lower and so she could be mortgage free as her earning potential was lower.

No judge will sign off that financial order with those glaring differences anyway. Pensions are not a separate pot, they are included in the overall shared assets.

She needs a solicitor asap.