Would you stay with this man?

[steponacrackbreakyourmothersback]

Dh is always terrible when I'm ill. This is because he works full time and is the bread winner, I work part time and care for our disabled child and a lot of the day to day stuff falls on me.

A few weeks ago I had an accident and spent 10 days in hospital, I'm in significant pain and potentially have months of recovery. Obviously dh has had to pick up the slack, he has had a lot of support off my adult dd and her boyfriend and my sister who has come to stay a few weeks.

I'm home now and basically my dd ;who is recovering from an appendectomy) gets up with her younger brother, makes us all breakfast and gets him ready and takes him to school. Dh gets up walks the dog and starts work. Dd brings me food and spends time with me, she helps me shower/dress. Dsis who is also wfh full time while here is doing all cleaning /laundry and making me drinks in the day. Dh walks by dog, works, gets ds from school, works, makes tea., walks the dog And puts ds to bed.

Dh is continually in a foul mood, snapping, few word answers. I only came home Tuesday and on Wednesday I tried to talk to him about a issue with our son and he walked out the room (knowing I can't follow him)

Last night he came to bed and my sister handed me a few bits of clothes (his) that she had washed. I dropped them near his wardrobe (I have very limited movement) he started having a go at me asking why I didn't just hand them to him . He then said he was sick of all the crap on the floor near his side of the bed. I pointed out that I can't bend to pick it up so if he wants it moving he has to put it away. He got huffy and turned the light off to get into bed. I got upset because I needed help getting ready for bed and it was now dark . I ask him to help he angrily got up put the light back on . We got into bed and I pointed out I'm in significant pain all the time and I really don't need shouting at. He said he is in pain and I need to think about how I speak to him. I pointed out he snapped at me first and that he isn't actually in pain, I am and our dd is (from op recovery) he needs to accept where we are at and get on with it instead of being angry all the time.

Dh then said he is sick of me and hearing about my pain. I got upset and started to cry and he just ignored me and went to sleep.

Do I let this go as he is under a lot of pressure or do I not forgive the man who thinks it's acceptable to shout at and be angry at his ill wife?

LTB

seriously tell him to get out of the house now and stay in a hotel

Really are you sure I'm not over reacting?

Leave him. Don’t waste your life with him. It doesn’t sounds like he likes you much but you normally keep the wheels oiled domestically without costing him anything and that’s handy, however when the wheels fall off because you’re ill it’s fucking infuriating. There’s no sympathy or solicitude for you just like I have no solicitude when my operating system crashes when I’m the middle of doing something on my laptop.

I left a selfish bastard; it was hard for a couple of years but I’ve never had regrets for a second and my life is very happy and full. I also have a disabled child. Don’t think for a second that he doesn’t care because you are not worth caring about, it’s him and circumstance, not you. Selfish people feel entitled to ease and happiness and selfish men particularly expect women to facilitate that even at cost to themselves. He’s complacent and not in the first throes of passion and you are malfunctioning in your role of making his life as easy as possible. Imagine growing old with him? Imagine how he will be if you ever have a chronic illness or disability?

Depends if he is kind to you normally

No of course you are not overreacting. His behaviour is utterly disgusting. I can only imagine that you have been trained to set a miserably low bar for the treatment you expect from a partner, if you are questioning who's the unreasonable one here. I seriously doubt that a man capable of treating his injured wife this way is a good husband in other respects either. LTB.

His behaviour is dreadful. Complaining about things he can do himself and ignoring you when you're upset is very unloving behaviour.

Your partner should be concerned about you and trying to help. He should be pulling his weight because someone he loves needs help. That's the least I'd expect.

I'd have a conversation with him. Make sure the conversation is two way because there may be something going on that you're not aware of.

Explain how his behaviour is making you feel in addition to your pain and ask for what you need.

If he continues to treat you like this then I would have a think about your future.

He sounds like my ex-husband. You'll be happier without him.

Before we had our son we were amazing together, so in love and happy. We both wanted ds but dh struggles with him as he is challenging . Since having ds aside from the struggles of getting diagnosis, school, managing behaviours etc we have had two significant deaths in the family , a major house issue that left us in temporary housing for a year. It's been a rough few years which has massively impacted on both our mental healths. I would say when nothing bad is happening we rub along ok but I do deal with most of the home stuff. Dh is fine if he can go to the gym, work, eat the tea I make , help put ds to bed and get a lay in/down time at the weekend. Anything more and he can't cope.

It's bullying, he's fine when he's getting his own way. When he doesn't there's hell to pay. It's controlling behaviour. You deserve a lot better.

I am so sorry for you. I think I’d be inclined to ask him to leave too. I understand this is his poor mental health but it’s not an acute change and it’s likely this is it. That’s no way to live. You’ll be happier alone. Your poor daughter too. Much love.

Being generous it doesn't sound as though he has the bandwidth to cope and is treading water. Whatever he's doing isn't working so he needs to get help.

How would he be if your sister was not there doing all those jobs?
Agree he's being selfish, just wondering if it's because it's crowded or uncomfortable. No excuse though.

My honest advice - leave him. You're the one holding it all together anyway and as it is, he'd be one less child to take care of. Plus, he's a bully.
Start getting all your stuff together, options of employment or care for your son and get out of that relationship, for your own mental health.

He sounds pathetic and weak. Doesn't like his wife, kids, or wider family. Not strong enough to step up to protect them.

Your family sound ace though. Concentrate on getting well , he is hindering that so might be best if you separate for a while.

Well yes, it's easy to be all sweetness and light when things are going your way and everything is good. You really get to know a person when the shit hits the fan. That's when you have to step up and do the hard stuff to keep everything going.

Or you could throw a tantrum and make your sick wife cry because you have to do some housework. He's being an arse and you don't have to tolerate it.

sorry about your accident and pain.

I’d prioritise your physical recovery, go ‘grey rock’ with DH and think hard about your options - the best one is probably to plan to end the relationship.

Sadly it sounds like your H is one of those men who don’t want to parent a DC with additional needs.

Ir’s not that ‘he can’t cope’ it’s that he prioritises himself over you and DS and chooses to treat you badly.

I bet your sister and DD (sounds like she is your DD not your H’s) have some opinions about this! in a way their stepping in for so long is a red flag about your H too.

Spunda like you have all had some hard years, maybe he is at his limit. Has he talked to anyone e.g. counselling? I'm not excusing his behaviour but sometimes wheb there have been hard years you so think when will you just get a break and things be good again or just have a year where nothing else happens.

What a weak, inadequate little man. So he’s fine when his life is going the way he likes it, but when the inevitable challenges arise he’s like a sulky toddler.

As a PP says - your bar must be terribly low if you think this “way of coping” is acceptable for a grown adult. Quite honestly, if I was married to him and didn’t LTB, I’d never feel anything but contempt for him again.

So sorry you’re going through all of this. He sounds really selfish. Is he behaving like this to try to make you break up with him, so he doesn’t look like the bad guy, in this scenario?

This.
I have similar circumstances and just two months ago I left a similarly miserable and horrible man. He was so cruel during a long term illness. Conversely a dream of a person has walked into my life and couldnt do more for me and is incredibly supportive and caring. Im not ready for a r.ship but at the least it has helped highlight how terribly I was treated, by a supposedly loving husband, in a time of need. He just wanted a housekeeper/admin/child minder/holiday planner etc etc who also worked ft.

Leaving you to cry.... im so sorry. You deserve more. So glad you have others around you.

Absolutely would not tolerate or be willing to move past this. If he's doing this now, God knows what he'd be like as you age or had an acquired permanent disability. This is about unkindness and cruelty. Even if my husband was really miffed about something, he couldn't possibly lie in bed listening to me struggling or crying. What an absolutely horrible man.

He has struggled with his mh for about 5/6 years. He got into exercise to improve it but that has become a bit of an obsession . A bout four years ago he did a stress course through NHS which helped a bit but then he declined again, a couple of years ago I had had enough and said he had to get help so he started counselling (CBT) but he didn't engage in it so the counsellor ended the contact after three sessions. Since then he's refused all suggestions and asked me to stop bringing it up. Day to day he copes but it's like he's told himself he can only cope with our normal day to day and anything more is too much.

It’s very easy to bandy around “LTB”.
Especially with a dc with disabilities there’s a lot to consider.

i don’t think you’re in a place to make a decision now, given your health. But I would make some (security locked) notes on your phone about how you’re feeling right now.

keep an eye on things.

Generally I don’t think people should leave marriages unless they can’t face carrying on.

Having said that I reached that point after years of the sort of behaviour you’ve described and left with my 3 dc. It was like “death by a thousand cuts” and just gradually eroded at the love.

i don’t regret it but it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I do question if my mh would be better without him but I don't know it could be worse.