Would you stay with this man?

[steponacrackbreakyourmothersback]

Dh is always terrible when I'm ill. This is because he works full time and is the bread winner, I work part time and care for our disabled child and a lot of the day to day stuff falls on me.

A few weeks ago I had an accident and spent 10 days in hospital, I'm in significant pain and potentially have months of recovery. Obviously dh has had to pick up the slack, he has had a lot of support off my adult dd and her boyfriend and my sister who has come to stay a few weeks.

I'm home now and basically my dd ;who is recovering from an appendectomy) gets up with her younger brother, makes us all breakfast and gets him ready and takes him to school. Dh gets up walks the dog and starts work. Dd brings me food and spends time with me, she helps me shower/dress. Dsis who is also wfh full time while here is doing all cleaning /laundry and making me drinks in the day. Dh walks by dog, works, gets ds from school, works, makes tea., walks the dog And puts ds to bed.

Dh is continually in a foul mood, snapping, few word answers. I only came home Tuesday and on Wednesday I tried to talk to him about a issue with our son and he walked out the room (knowing I can't follow him)

Last night he came to bed and my sister handed me a few bits of clothes (his) that she had washed. I dropped them near his wardrobe (I have very limited movement) he started having a go at me asking why I didn't just hand them to him . He then said he was sick of all the crap on the floor near his side of the bed. I pointed out that I can't bend to pick it up so if he wants it moving he has to put it away. He got huffy and turned the light off to get into bed. I got upset because I needed help getting ready for bed and it was now dark . I ask him to help he angrily got up put the light back on . We got into bed and I pointed out I'm in significant pain all the time and I really don't need shouting at. He said he is in pain and I need to think about how I speak to him. I pointed out he snapped at me first and that he isn't actually in pain, I am and our dd is (from op recovery) he needs to accept where we are at and get on with it instead of being angry all the time.

Dh then said he is sick of me and hearing about my pain. I got upset and started to cry and he just ignored me and went to sleep.

Do I let this go as he is under a lot of pressure or do I not forgive the man who thinks it's acceptable to shout at and be angry at his ill wife?

I’d say he’s acting like a pretty average man sadly. That’s why I don’t want to risk taking one on.
Up to you OP. Get better and go back to how you were with the sure knowledge he didn’t mean the ‘in sickness and in health’ bit. Most men leave their sick wives. Most women stay with their sick husbands. You might still be better off staying as you have a child to support together and it’s tough going it alone.
Try and get back to work. Build an escape fund. Keep your eyes and options open.

Oh dear what a shame for him that his support human is out of action for while.

It's ok he has had other female support humans step in and help carry the load but not quite as good as the usual one!

The lack of resilience and capability would put me off for life. I couldn't be with a man like that.

As a lone parent my life has been much easier without a grumpy manchild in it.

You started with "DH is always terrible when I'm ill..... because he works full time and is the breadwinner"

NO. THAT is not why he is terrible when you are ill. It is entirely possible to work full time and be the breadwinner and NOT BE AN ARSEH*LE.

Expect better. You are MORE THAN working full time with a disabled child and looking after the home. AND working part time outside the home.

Sorry to shout but you deserve better and if you don't expect better in the first place you won't ever get it. X

It sounds as if he “can’t cope” with doing any household chores, even just putting (his) clean clothes away. Your dd and dsis are doing the bulk of the domestic work, and he is being an arse and really unpleasant.

I have to say I agree with those who think he is angry and resentful that you’re not doing what you usually do and making his life easy.

I also have limited patience with people who blame their mental health for their shitty attitudes- I have had poor mental health most of my life, and I know lots of women who have, but we get on with the stuff we have to do to look after our dc, we don’t use it as an excuse to turn round and blame our partners for being injured or ill. I’m afraid if he really wanted to he would have engaged with the counselling and would be doing his best to improve things. But instead it’s that he has to go to the gym and have life on his terms- come on! How often do you get time to yourself? How does he try and make your life easier?

Essentially he is telling you that your value to him is intrinsically linked to your usefulness around the domestic sphere. He doesn’t think he should be asked to do anything he doesn’t want to do and he blames you for being incapacitated. This won’t improve.

Sorry for quoting the whole post 🤦‍♀️

many of us have a MH issue and work hard to be OK, including engaging with health services if things aren’t working. And we still treat our families well and do our fair share of things. it doesn’t sound like your H is doing that. It sounds like he doesn’t treat you well and prioritised himself, to the direct detriment of your health

OP, have you ever had cause to think he is autistic?

I only say this as my DH is autistic and this is what he can be like when I'm unwell. He's so completely stressed, he can't cope very well. He also has PTSD and very low self esteem.

When things are ticking over, the relationship is wonderful and he's kind, considerate and caring. But when I'm very unwell and then when had a major surgery last year, he was cold, distant, and just a bit crap.

He was very apologetic when I confronted him and gave him examples of his behaviour, and we chatted a lot about it so I felt listened to and validated.

It's not an excuse but an explanation, and now he's aware of his own stress, he makes effort to do better.

If you think your DH is definitely not autistic or if he's not open to communication or listening to you, then I'd struggle to get past it.

Honestly these men "under a lot of stress" really grind my gears.

OP, I am a lone parent. I have NO help from my ex. Zero. I do EVERYTHING at home - work full time, responsible for all bills, all housework, everything child related. Do I speak to my loved ones like shit and use being stressed as an excuse? No I don't, I get on with it because it's part of adulting. If he can't pick up a bit of slack temporarily while you're recovering then I don't know what to say.

My view is you should weight up his attitude and how you feel being with him against the realities of what single parenting would look like for you, with a disabled child.

I think you should hold off make any decisions while you're recovering.

He sounds unpleasant.

if he treats you like this I would have to ask
if he loves you?

your daughter is watching this - would you want her in this type of relationship?

I couldn’t stay with a man who is so cold, lazy and selfish.

That’s horrible. He should be treating you with respect, concern and love.

Agree with previous posters - tell him to get out.

We should never have to beg or cry to get our needs met, and no amount of being overwhelmed or busy is an excuse for that happening.

Life throws us curve balls, it's part and parcel of life. Yes, your husband has taken up some of the slack due to your accident, but if your daughter and sister weren't there helping, he'd be doing much much more. Many men out there, work full-time and come home and do more than your husband on a daily basis, all the time, not just because their wife is unwell!!! I think he needs to get a grip on reality, quite honestly. Normally, his life is quite cushy, you do most of the domestic stuff, he goes to work and puts your son to bed. He's throwing a massive immature tantrum because he's having to do more, and life isn't what he's used too. He's a grown adult, not a teenager. You need a calm but honest conversation with him. What would he do if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were behaving like a spoilt child because you had to help him?! I bet it would be a different story. You need his support. Yes, life has thrown crap at him, but life does that, he needs to be adult about it.

Came here to say: I read the title and by the time you’re asking the question, the answer is always “no!”

He’s a horrible selfish man baby who doesn’t care about you.

When I came out of hospital 6 weeks ago my DP cooked, cleaned, cared for our baby, fed me, helped me shower and dress, and brought me whatever I needed, all alone without any help. He was happy to, because he loves me. I’m sure you’d do all that for someone too.

But this man doesn’t love you. You’re an appliance that isn’t working and he’s annoyed. He’s completely unreasonable and pathetic and you deserve better.

So he's fine if he can't be lazy and get me time.

I’d spend my recovery time making plans to leave. He’s a wanker and you can’t depend on him for anything at all.
Alternatively if you decide to stay with him for financial reasons (nice house, higher income etc) then you can mentally check out of this relationship. Think of him as your annoying housemate and rely on him for nothing. Although at some point you might need help or care again so that’s not a great solution.

Id give him a last chance and say “your behaviour the past couple of weeks has been such that I am seriously considering ending our marriage and I absolutely will unless I see an enormous improvement immediately. I bet you don’t speak to your boss like shit at work even if you are stressed so kindly don’t speak to your family like that. Good night”.

Then if excuses or more bullshit i actually would leave him.

I suspect your mental, emotional and even physical health will be much improved if you leave this awful man.

I would say that the vast majority of men cannot cope with life's curveballs because they've been socialised to believe that a woman will always be there to cope for them. First their mother. Then their wife.

Society still expects us to pander to the needs of men whilst sacrificing our own needs.

How lovely that he's had counselling and has plenty of time to go to the gym! Where is YOUR counselling and gym time?

Get better and get rid, OP. He's a dead weight.

Why would you put up with this? Surely he’s capable of washing clothes, having other family doing that is embarrassing. It’s clear you do everything for him and he’s pissed off he has to clear up his own crap.

He's awful. I can safely say this as my stepdaughter had to do everything for my mum when she stopped being able to do stuff due to ill health and he did it out of love...as should your husband

Ironically I am autistic but yes I think dh could be too.

If all the bad behaviour was only since the deaths/major house issue then I'd maybe say he's had too much going on that he hasn't processed properly.

However, you say he's not been the same since your DS was born, which indicates a more selfish nature as he'd like a perfect little life, but he's refusing to accept and deal with anything affecting that. His refusal to engage with counselling or CBT is him saying 'there's nothing wrong with me, thanks'.

So he's a bit gym obsessed and likes weekend lie-ins. No doubt he's leaving you to deal with everything while he's doing this. Do you get equal downtime OP? I'm guessing not.

My late husband was emotionally and financially abusive. It took me years to pluck up the courage to leave, but believe me, when I finally did, the relief was overwhelming and life was a lot less stressful. Think carefully how you want to live your life and whether you want to waste it with someone who treats you so disrespectfully.

You have a wonderful DD and sister. I hope they will continue to support you through whatever decision you make about your future.

That's how I feel although obviously I wouldn't know unless we split up.

It sounds like you've both been through the wringer.
Can you sit down and have a calm conversation about this?
My DH can get snappy with me when he's stressed - he's had a hard few years with both of his parents dying within a few years of each other and dealing with his Mum in a residential home/emptying their house which wasn't good for his wellbeing. But I point out that I am not the enemy and there's no need to get stroppy with me. He usually apologises.
Only you can know if you should cut him some slack or if his lack of support and empathy for you in your time of need is a deal-breaker.

His treatment of you is absolutely awful and inexcusable.

I do think the back story is important though, it could be that he's stopped coping. Depression and anxiety can both come out as rage.

Obviously though you really need his help. If he's not able to care for you then it's not good to stay. Can you go to anyone else to stay? Would he be open to having a deeper chat about how he's feeling?