Would you stay with this man?

[steponacrackbreakyourmothersback]

Dh is always terrible when I'm ill. This is because he works full time and is the bread winner, I work part time and care for our disabled child and a lot of the day to day stuff falls on me.

A few weeks ago I had an accident and spent 10 days in hospital, I'm in significant pain and potentially have months of recovery. Obviously dh has had to pick up the slack, he has had a lot of support off my adult dd and her boyfriend and my sister who has come to stay a few weeks.

I'm home now and basically my dd ;who is recovering from an appendectomy) gets up with her younger brother, makes us all breakfast and gets him ready and takes him to school. Dh gets up walks the dog and starts work. Dd brings me food and spends time with me, she helps me shower/dress. Dsis who is also wfh full time while here is doing all cleaning /laundry and making me drinks in the day. Dh walks by dog, works, gets ds from school, works, makes tea., walks the dog And puts ds to bed.

Dh is continually in a foul mood, snapping, few word answers. I only came home Tuesday and on Wednesday I tried to talk to him about a issue with our son and he walked out the room (knowing I can't follow him)

Last night he came to bed and my sister handed me a few bits of clothes (his) that she had washed. I dropped them near his wardrobe (I have very limited movement) he started having a go at me asking why I didn't just hand them to him . He then said he was sick of all the crap on the floor near his side of the bed. I pointed out that I can't bend to pick it up so if he wants it moving he has to put it away. He got huffy and turned the light off to get into bed. I got upset because I needed help getting ready for bed and it was now dark . I ask him to help he angrily got up put the light back on . We got into bed and I pointed out I'm in significant pain all the time and I really don't need shouting at. He said he is in pain and I need to think about how I speak to him. I pointed out he snapped at me first and that he isn't actually in pain, I am and our dd is (from op recovery) he needs to accept where we are at and get on with it instead of being angry all the time.

Dh then said he is sick of me and hearing about my pain. I got upset and started to cry and he just ignored me and went to sleep.

Do I let this go as he is under a lot of pressure or do I not forgive the man who thinks it's acceptable to shout at and be angry at his ill wife?

Why didn’t you pass him the clothes to put away?

it sounds as if you have been through a lot in the past couple of years and someone actively throwing clothes on the floor in front of me and stopping me from getting to my things then saying that I would have to pick them up if I didn’t want them there could be the thing that tipped me over the edge.

before making any rash decisions wait for the situation to calm down and for your pain to be manageable to then have a conversation about it

What happens when he is unwell @steponacrackbreakyourmothersback ? Do you abuse him or are you kind and compassionate?
Do you think having your husband mentally abusing you will help you recover quicker?
I would ask him to move out temporarily. He isn't 'helping' and others around you have stepped up.
It may feel like you would be giving him a free pass to peace but actually you will be giving yourself a chance to heal and also see how well you could manage without him.
You never know what's round the corner and I think I'd feel resentful if had to look after an ailing H when he treated me so poorly when I needed him.

Whether or not he meets the criteria for a mental health problem or ASD, if he’s had a tough childhood or is under stress etc. if your partner is in pain and crying, the ONLY human response is a hug or some form of empathy.

He is emotionally immature. The only response now is for him to apologise. If he doesn’t I’d be worried.

I think he needs to go to his GP and ask for medication. He is possibly stressed and depressed.

He's trying to make things so unpleasant that you'll stop expecting him to help. Of course he was a prick when alone in your room and the clothes nexr to the wardrobe was just an excuse and then he stepped it up by turning off the light meaning you got upset and had to ask him to help you which of course he was bullying and awful about .

He wants you to stop asking and just get on with it and he will love it if you are persuaded into thinking its stress and he needs a break. He's a pig and he's lazy and he doesn't care about your pain and your son being difficult is too much effort.

I think you'll have to tell him you're planning on leaving the relationship and if that shocks him into stepping up then there is a chance but only if he sticks to things because if he doesn't and you stay anyway then he will think there is no danger treating you badly as you'll be talked round again by false promises. I hope he does come around. Hugs xxxxx

That's really horrible OP

Surely the point of having a partnership is to support each other and pick up the slack if one of you is struggling. If he can't or won't do that, I'm not really sure what the point is?

He is struggling with his mental health and having you sick is one additional situation that's pushing him over the edge. Having extra people in the house, even if they're there to help, may be another stressor.
He's being vile to you, make no mistake. But I think you need to give him one last chance to see how his behaviour is impacting on you. Tell him you can't go on like this and you need him on board or out of the way. Ask what he thinks he needs to get himself on board. Maybe medication for anxiety or depression, some intense counselling, some time away with you once you're better.
If he still refuses to engage, I think you have your answer.

He's never had more than a couple of days cold but yes I make sure he's ok, do the full cooking/ house hold responsibility. Tbf he's not needy when he's ill he tends to take himself to bed and I pick up the slack. But i obviously get him anything he needs/cook meals etc.

Is he picking up the slack?
It sounds difficult for you.
I haven't been married but at the very least I'd be expecting a partner not to make my life more difficult for me whilst I recover.
Please take care of yourself 💐

So he's getting up and walking the dog for a hour before work. Starting work around 730 working until 3. Doing the school run then working 4-5. . (Ds is watching tv or with my dd) then either dd cooks tea or dh reheats something. Then he plays games with ds for an hour. Then makes his breakfast and lunch for the next day, and walks the dog, he also tries to squeeze in a work out if possible at some point in the day. Then he does bedtime. Dd is doing mornings and getting ds to school. Dsis is cleaning/pots/laundry. I'm doing anything admin and helping ds with homework.

So in terms of picking up the slack I'd say he perhaps has a bit of the mental load in terms of making sure DS has pe kit or swimming stuff. Thinking about food shopping etc And he doesn't usually do both dogs walks he usually does one or none. I need help getting shower/dressed but mostly dd has done that. He does help me get ready for bed.

Men are OK when everything's going relatively smoothly. They think it's a personal afffront when they're asked to do something like caring for their sick wives, or if the kids turn into horrible teenagers. You see, when it boils down everything has to be about them, their comfort, their egos. Your DH is very,very far from alone but he's still being a cunt.

Not doing much then....and when you're well its a pp performance. What a lazy man

Not all men are like this mine took over 100% when I had treatment even doing Christmas prep just as well as if we had both been doing it taking me to appointments and working. Not all men are knobs raise your bar.

As always, super irritated by the 'is he autistic' squad. Many people have an ASD diagnosis without being a knob.

It sounds as if you are both very unhappy.

He's behaving like a dick, definitely. But he's clearly really unhappy in his life/marriage and it sounds as if you are too.

I haven't got a bar to raise. I'm quite old and not married but after years of knowing countless men from a wide range of demographics, they are mostly (to a greater or lesser extent) innately selfish. Some worse than others admittedly but fundamentally they put themselves first far more so than women.

I think as time goes on more and more women are becoming selfish to be honest the ones I've worked with who put self before child is definitely increasing.