To expect more from counselling?

[Anonymous214]

(Name changed for privacy.)

Aibu to expect something other than this?

Owing to much trauma in my life, leaving me anxious and depressed, I have been referred for counselling. I am on my 8th session of 10.

Never had counselling before so I don't know if this is what it is supposed to consist of.

I tell the counsellor what I am thinking and feeling and she just repeats it back to me: "I hear that you are telling me that you are feeling XYZ." Then she falls silent, I say some more, and she repeats that back at me as well. She never says anything else other than that she "hears me" saying the thing I have just said.

The counsellor seems to have done a three-year university degree course and got letters after her name, but I cannot understand what she was doing for that three years. Because surely any unqualified person can just repeat what a client just said.

By telling her about the things that have traumatised me in the past, I re-live them and end up shaking and weeping, then she says "Time's up" and disconnects from the video chat, leaving me sitting all alone, feeling much worse, empty inside and feeling burdered with uncomfortable feelings that have nowhere to go.

I was too polite to ask at first but after a few weeks of this I plucked up the courage to ask: "What good is me just talking, and you saying you hear me supposed to do?" And her reply was, "I hear you asking what good your talking to me is doing." I pressed her for an answer but she just said the same thing.

I'm getting worried now that there are only two sessions left and all I have done for the first eight is describe my feelings. Nothing has been solved or resolved. I might as well have just talked to my dog.

Aibu to expect something other than this? Shall I cancel the remaining sessions and stop wasting the counsellor's time?

You'll likely hate this,... what would a good counselling session look like to you?

oh dear Op, if you want to cancel then of course you can, Im a Counsellor and absolutely wouldnt parrot back to you, Trauma needs stabilisation work doing before its appropriate to delve into some depth.
Could you change therapists and find someone with experience of trauma work.

I would change therapist

Sounds absolutely terrible. Your instincts are right OP.

My parish priest does better than this for free.

God she sounds shit. I had one like her once. Lasted two sessions and thought fuck this. Obviously it's you who does the work not the therapist but she sounds like no help at all. What kind of therapy does she do?

Some are absolutely shit.

what you need is a psychotherapist. And feedback and tools to help with trauma.

ive seen counsellors like that.

I’ve seen excellent, trauma informed psychotherapists.

You have to pay though of course

Someone close to me is in therapy right now. They found their therapist via Better Help - and one of the things they liked about the Better Help model was that it would be easy to switch therapists, if the ‘help’ wasn’t helping. As it is, they lucked out first time and found someone who they gave continued to have sessions online with once a week.

Save your money - she is scamming you. How did you come across this charlatan?

I’m not a counsellor but I’m a trainee CBT therapist and my understanding is that counselling provides you with safe space to talk about your problems without being judged, but does not necessarily provide any solutions. The idea is that by receiving unconditional positive regard and having a good therapeutic relationship with your therapist would help you to feel better about yourself and thus help you to deal with your problems on your own or come to terms with them if they cannot be changed.

From the brief description of your problems I’d recommend trauma-based CBT or EMDR, which would use techniques to help you process your trauma, so that it is treated as a distant memory rather than being relived every time you think of or are reminded of your past.

Just to add, it is possible to receive both free on NHS through psychological services, but the waiting times may be long. CBT is much more available than EMDR as more therapists are trained in it.

She doesn’t sound like a good therapist to me. It’s awful that you’ve trusted her and she is grossly letting you down. I would find another therapist.

My DH and I have both had bad therapists like this in the past and at first we waited too long to ask for another one. It is really important to get a therapist that can connect with you and offer you perspective and food for thought as well as comfort. Don’t give up on therapy, give up on the therapist.

I had six sessions with a similar sounding counsellor (it was a course of six), five sessions were like this and then it sort of all came together for me on the sixth session when I talked about changes I would like to happen in my life. I did find the silences very difficult at first but overall I found it a positive and helpful experience. I liked how I could talk about probably really tiny things that were bothering me and not feel judged in anyway.

I have also have had CBT and that really worked for me and literally gave me the tools to change my life.

oh you poor love.
sending much love your way.
the behaviour of the ‘counsellor’ pulling the plug telling you ‘times up’ and leaving you upset, shaking, etc is a massive no no.
You can and will find a proper trauma focused psychotherapist or counsellor.
Also, trauma is stored in your body, and not all talking therapies help.
But a proper therapist will guide you through this, and they give PROPER feedback, as well as suggestions for ‘homework’, a toolkit of kinds that helps you navigate through life.
Your instincts are 100% right.
Stop the sessions now, they’re doing a lot of harm.
Go gentle!

I'm a counsellor. It sounds like she's person centred, which is based around following the client. But it sounds like she's taken it to the extreme! Everyone does counselling differently, but personally I think curiosity and empathy are critical. It doesn't sound like you're experiencing that.

If you've been referred, who is providing the counselling?

The NHS

Person centred counselling is what you are getting.
I agree, I tried it twice. It's a lot of " I'm holding this space for you"
What I genuinely wanted was someone with some ideas as to how to deal with issues and emotions

I know just what you mean and I think it is complete rubbish, and a waste of time.

They could have an AI tape machine at the other end for all it’s worth.

I think there may be different forms of counselling and psychological therapies. I hope someone more expert comes on to explain them.

Then you could try to find someone more suitable. I am so sorry for your troubles and hope you find real help 💐

I think CBT works a lot better as they give you practical tools to manage your emotions

Thanks. It doesn't seem to be meeting your needs, I agree.

I'm not a fan of person centred for the reasons you describe. It depends on the client really really wanting to do the work and not misunderstanding it as a venting session, or just being desperate for the tiniest bit of guidance.

I've had psychodynamic therapy which was similar - but it lasted 3 years and even then the counsellor made suggestions or pointed out links.

Having said that, keeping to time and saying 'I think we need to stop now' even when you are in full flow happens in pretty much every modality. I soon learned not to waste mine and therapists time by waffling for 45 minutes and only spitting out the good stuff 2 minutes before time was up. It's a very useful skill to learn as it made me better at communicating altogether.

Whenever I hear explanations of person centred therapy, I am left baffled. Perhaps this is why!

@Anonymous214 I wouldn't normally make a suggestion to like this, but it seems like anything would be better than this! Have you seen Richard Grannon talking about CPSTD? You can find some stuff on YouTube. I think it's more his older videos that might be useful to you.

you don't have to relive anything if you watch those. I found it helpful that he reminds you "you are not your emotional flashbacks". Others might not find it helpful, but what you've got is dreadful. That therapist is wasting your time. Not a big fan of therapy generally though. Haven't got much experience but it seems I'm better suited to reading stuff myself.

If you had the funds OP I would look for a private therapist who ideally specialises in the type of trauma therapy you are looking for. I’ve had private therapy snd NHS counselling. With the best will in the world they were two incredibly different experiences. I also saw my private therapist in person which made a huge difference too.

One small point, I too initially found it disconcerting when the therapist ended the session abruptly (it happened with both NHS and private therapy). I do think this is deliberate and over time I got used to it and came to weirdly appreciate it.

No, not normal! And disconnecting suddenly- not normal! You give the client a warning, “as we have ten minutes left, what would you like to do to end the session?” I would contact her professional body to be honest because she’s harming you.

FWIW a friend of mine trained as a psychotherapist and it took her five years. You can call yourself a counsellor after doing a very basic course for a few months, but in no way should you be working with trauma clients. I don’t think a degree on its own is enough to be properly qualified, postgraduate training is needed.

You need a trauma informed therapist. CBT and EMDR have good evidence base for trauma. She seems to be using Person Centred counselling which is great when you need to figure out how you’re feeling and what your thoughts are - it’s more of a reflective space to hear yourself think. It can be really helpful. But for post trauma it can be unhelpful or even make it worse if you get caught up in flashbacks.

You need to raise it again and say you feel that you need something more directive.