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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to have one meal over Christmas as a family?

69 replies

Oneblindmouse · 04/12/2024 23:58

Bear with me, this may be complicated.

We are a very small family. There is DD, DS and I. DD and DS have partners. We live in 3 separate small houses.
The arrangement this Christmas was for DD and I to go to DS's house for Christmas Day with DS and his partner. DD's partner is working Christmas Day but DD and her partner will go to his parents house on Boxing Day.
DS and his partner were going to his partner's parents on Boxing Day.
There was a possibility that DS may have to work on Christmas Day and today he confirmed that was the case. We had agreed that if that happened we would move our family meal to Boxing Day.
DS's partner will go to their parent's house for Christmas Day, which is fine. However DS today announced that our family meal at his house on Boxing Day will now include his partner's parents. Meaning there will be 6 of us. That sounds OK but really isn't, as DS's house is very small. The kitchen table seats 4 at a a squeeze and the living room only seats 4 people on a sofa and one armchair. It will be a nightmare especially as 3 of us are disabled.

So AIBU to want some time for just our immediate family to relax, exchange gifts and have a meal together on one day over Christmas? DD has suggested that she and I have Christmas Day at my house but I would really like to see DS as well. I have gifts for him and his partner and was really looking forward to it.
DD and I don't really know DS's partner's parents, have only met them once.

OP posts:

RoachFish · 05/12/2024 08:18

Do you live near each other? If so, can't your son pop by either before of after work and see you and DD on Christmas Day? You could then have breakfast or dinner/drinks together on the day. He's presumably not working for 16 hours or so.

Completelyjo · 05/12/2024 08:18

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:39

Sadly DD and DS will not have a day off on the same day until after New Year. He is a nice guy but struggles with the word "no".

Show quote history

They are adults. Who cares if they don’t have the same day off. Thats just life.

Original poster

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 08:34

Thanks everyone. Even those who have been brutal. The responses have made me think carefully about future years. I will talk to DD and DS about future years. I think it is time for me to step away from the actual Christmas and Boxing Days and leave them both to spend them with their partners. I may go away for Christmas in future as it is something I have done in the past and enjoy. I have not seen my brother at Christmas for years and he lives alone in a beautiful part of the country that I love. I am going to look at staying in a nice hotel in that area over Christmas next year.

OP posts:

MarchInHappiness · 05/12/2024 08:35

I just couldnt get tied up in knots over this, maybe because DH worked through the Christmas period year after year when DD was growing up I am use to going with the flow and doing the best we could to make it special. We used to have a delayed Christmas lunch on his one day he had off (27th / 28th etc). The date made no difference, we still spent time as a family.

OP you are seeing your children on Christmas Day & Boxing Day, just be grateful for that. Things change as your children become adults and families of their own.

HoppityBun · 05/12/2024 08:39

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 08:34

Do check with your brother, obliquely, before making plans for yourself. He has for years been quietly enjoying his Christmases without all this fuss.

coffeesaveslives · 05/12/2024 09:13

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 08:34

I don't think anyone has been brutal, just honest about the fact that your expectations need to change now that your kids are adults with their own homes and partners.

Original poster

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 09:21

HoppityBun · 05/12/2024 08:39

Do check with your brother, obliquely, before making plans for yourself. He has for years been quietly enjoying his Christmases without all this fuss.

Show quote history

Of course I would do so. However my DB knows nothing about how I am feeling. I will not be offloading it on him.
I should also mention that I have not made a fuss about this with DD and DS. It only came up yesterday afternoon that plans had changed. I have not complained to them. So to those who have said they don't blame DC for not wanting to be with me, that I am not letting them live their own lives; this is not the case.

I spent last night stewing on it and decided to post on here for opinions before I speak to them. I am glad I did now. I won't be posting or responding about it again.

OP posts:

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 05/12/2024 09:29

It’s hard when so many other complexities and constraints enter the ‘who goes where’ equation.

Bringing both sets of parents together is the logical approach for your D.C., really.

I didn’t realise at first that your Ds volunteered to work Christmas Day. Why did he do that, do you think?

I am facing my first Christmas without my Ds and am heartbroken, but of course putting in a brave face and cheering him on, remembering the times in my 20s when I gaily sailed off elsewhere for Christmas. Didn’t mean I didn’t love them.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 05/12/2024 09:34

It's very ironic that, on reflection, you realise that you haven't seen your own brother for Christmas, whilst fretting over whether your children are seeing each other.

I always say that Christmas is a season, starting December 1st and ending on Twelfth Night. There is plenty of time for a special get together in that time.

But either way, be prepared for life to keep changing as your children grow. We have all sorts of tensions with the ILs as they want us to fall in with their existing Christmas traditions, whilst my parents are happy to fit in with what works for our new family.

It really saps the joy and turns things into an obligation. The best way to keep that joy alive is to not be too intense about idealistic expectations and be open to change.

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 05/12/2024 09:40

Me and my brother have lived 3 hours away from each other for the past 30 years with my parents being 4 hours in another direction and it is nice when we're all together which probably only happens once every couple of years.
In your case, despite you all living much closer together, there are still logistical issues which make it difficult. If it is truly the case that you want to see your DD and DS together and this isn't some sort of one upmanship or favouritism game at play, invite them over one weekend in January when everyone is broke & bored. If space is an issue, perhaps you need to go out for a meal or something. Or even a mid week meal. There are plenty of solutions to this "problem" without making a drama of it. Remember the TV ads are not real life!

DoreenonTill8 · 05/12/2024 09:57

It only came up yesterday afternoon that plans had changed.
Who had agreed to this change? We had agreed that if that happened we would move our family meal to Boxing Day. that would be a change to plans of having that day/meal with the dps family? Had that been agreed with them?

Karmacode · 05/12/2024 10:05

Honestly OP, this is just part of your children growing up. Your children now have their own partners and I think you need to accept Christmas now includes in-laws and partners. Your children are adults then they can arrange to see each other in their own time. I think you need to accept the days of immediate family togethers are over, as hard as it is. Your children aren't small children anymore and Christmas evolves to reflect this. I'd find it really strange now to if my husband or my own family insisted on get togethers without partners present.

MaltipooMama · 05/12/2024 10:08

It's hard but whilst you still consider them your "immediate family", they now have their own immediate family dynamic and this will extend to their partner's parents, so having time alone with lots of different variations will be impossible over the two days. I agree that you should try and arrange something in the lead up if you really need that, but otherwise it sounds like they're both trying to navigate treating both sides of the family equally, which is probably an absolute pain in the arse for them in itself without having to factor in alone time with one side of the family as well

coffeesaveslives · 05/12/2024 10:10

It's very ironic that, on reflection, you realise that you haven't seen your own brother for Christmas, whilst fretting over whether your children are seeing each other.

Yep

Ihateslugs · 05/12/2024 10:21

I won’t be seeing any of my children over Christmas this year. Since they now live with their partners, we have agreed to spend alternate years with each side of the family, so last year they, and their partners, came with me to our family meal at my sisters house on Christmas Day and then they stayed the night at my house. One lives an hour from me, the other about two hours away.

This year, I am not spending Christmas Day with them but I am hosting a family get together on the 22nd so my siblings can all swap presents with my children and be with my new granddaughter. I will go to my sister for Christmas Day as usual with my other siblings. Had my sister decided not to host, I know I would be welcome at my daughters house along with her partners family - it would be a tight squeeze but that adds to the fun!

I can’t imagine a year when someone in my family did not extend an invite to me, the only one without a partner, my own children would make plans between them to include me.

It’s about being adaptable to changing circumstances with good grace.

ParkAndRider · 05/12/2024 10:28

I really don't understand parents of adult children who want to isolate them from their "new" families and have this alone time.

You're invited. Just be cheerful and involved.

You don't need to be suffocating and demanding asking your adult children to spend time alone with you!

MartinCrieffsLemon · 05/12/2024 10:32

OP I know you've had a bit of a flounce because people have been honest with you and called you out for your unreasonableness but:

I'd be concerned your son was being taken advantage of if he struggles to say no due to his disability.

Wellingtonspie · 05/12/2024 10:37

I don’t get the big deal of needing to get adult siblings together for Christmas. It’s really not that important. Especially considering you haven’t seen yours for years to then make siblings seeing each other this big thing.

IamnotSethRogan · 05/12/2024 10:37

Spend Christmas day with DD. Ask him if you and DD can come a bit earlier on boxing day before the inlaws arrive. Maybe bring some things to do a nice light brunch for them.

His girlfriend only "gets" to spend Christmas alone with her parents because he's volunteered to work.

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