Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have one meal over Christmas as a family?

69 replies

Oneblindmouse · 04/12/2024 23:58

Bear with me, this may be complicated.

We are a very small family. There is DD, DS and I. DD and DS have partners. We live in 3 separate small houses.
The arrangement this Christmas was for DD and I to go to DS's house for Christmas Day with DS and his partner. DD's partner is working Christmas Day but DD and her partner will go to his parents house on Boxing Day.
DS and his partner were going to his partner's parents on Boxing Day.
There was a possibility that DS may have to work on Christmas Day and today he confirmed that was the case. We had agreed that if that happened we would move our family meal to Boxing Day.
DS's partner will go to their parent's house for Christmas Day, which is fine. However DS today announced that our family meal at his house on Boxing Day will now include his partner's parents. Meaning there will be 6 of us. That sounds OK but really isn't, as DS's house is very small. The kitchen table seats 4 at a a squeeze and the living room only seats 4 people on a sofa and one armchair. It will be a nightmare especially as 3 of us are disabled.

So AIBU to want some time for just our immediate family to relax, exchange gifts and have a meal together on one day over Christmas? DD has suggested that she and I have Christmas Day at my house but I would really like to see DS as well. I have gifts for him and his partner and was really looking forward to it.
DD and I don't really know DS's partner's parents, have only met them once.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 05/12/2024 00:01

Well, it's a great opportunity to meet them again, then.

Your son is working on Christmas Day. New arrangements must be made. It is not reasonable that your wants for these arrangements trump anyone else's.

Original poster
Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 00:14

@MasterBeth thanks for the reply.

I am quite happy to get to know them better. We did make new arrangements for our Christmas meal. The issue is that DD and I will not get to see DS at all over Christmas to exchange gifts and have a meal together. DS's partner will spend both Christmas Day and Boxing Day with their parents. DS and DD will be working the rest of the week so I won't see them.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 05/12/2024 00:18

DD. and I will not get to see DS at all over Christmas to exchange gifts and have a meal together.

But you will. On Boxing Day.

Billybobranaway · 05/12/2024 00:29

If you would like a meal with just your immediate family, you could book it in the run up to Christmas.

crumblingschools · 05/12/2024 00:32

What about the weekend before or after Xmas?

Enterthedragonqueen · 05/12/2024 00:33

Book an early Christmas meal on Christmas Eve and do a gift exchange then. Most of Europe do this as Christmas Eve is the main event and Christmas day is a day for relaxing.

timetodecide2345 · 05/12/2024 00:35

You are being a bit needy aren't you? As people said see them well before Xmas if you want 'alone time'.

HeddaGarbled · 05/12/2024 00:44

I mostly feel sorry for your son who has to work on Christmas Day and also juggle the disparate wants of his partner, his mum, his sister and her partner, and his partner’s parents. I bet he’d rather be home alone with his partner on Boxing Day. Kudos to him for his hospitality. The opposite of kudos to you for not appreciating how generous he is being with his hospitality in his teeny tiny house.

CuriousGeorge80 · 05/12/2024 00:50

I can understand why you feel the way you do but I don't think there is anything you can do about it and therefore I think you are being unreasonable. He has to work on Christmas Day and so iamb finding the best solution for his partner and him, which is fine. You can do presents on Boxing Day (can't see the issue there) but if you really really don't want to then arrange something for Xmas Eve, 27th etc.

Vaxtable · 05/12/2024 01:12

You will see him on Boxing Day and he can have his presents then

MartinCrieffsLemon · 05/12/2024 01:44

It sounds like you resent your children having partners and new families and the fact that Christmas now involves other people

Is it the first year that they haven't lived at home?

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 05/12/2024 01:44

I think yabu and you sound rather needy as a pp said. You've plenty of time within the next 3 weeks to arrange something. Regarding the immediate Christmas period, just be grateful adult dc want to include you and maybe be a bit more understanding that they are having to juggle things to please everyone.

Pippa12 · 05/12/2024 02:03

As a Mum I do understand where you are coming from, wanting that close knit family time, but imho you cannot ask your DS to retract his invitation to his ‘in laws to be’. I’d try and book another day at your house for ‘Xmas lunch/brunch/tea’ in addition to your DS’s invite. I’d also borrow some camping chairs to solve the sofa issue.

As a fellow Xmas worker, the festive period feels completely draining fitting in all the visiting/festivities alongside working. There is absolutely no down time for us and it’s just another normal working week. It unlikely they’ve invited them in malice, I sometimes just stack visitors so get one evening to myself. I don’t particularly enjoy Xmas because it’s exhausting!

junebirthdaygirl · 05/12/2024 02:17

I always feel its better not to build Christmas up into a big thing. Just go with the flow. Your children sound lovely. Your ds has invited you over. Your dd is happy for it to be just you two on Christmas day. Look at the positives. The dynamics of your family are changing so you need to adapt as this is the way it will be from now on. My dc are at that stage now, long term partners and l am aware they may nor be here for Christmas in the coming years . We can have a lovely lunch together on a cold Sunday in February. Whatever happens happens. I really appreciated my own parents making no fuss as we spread far and wide so l am determined to offer my dc the same. Enjoy your growing family.

Original poster
Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 05:29

OK it seems I am being unreasonable. 🙂 It is good to hear different points of view. Thanks everyone for your input. To answer a few questions, my adult DC left home over 5 years ago, two years apart.
DD works Monday to Friday and has bank holidays off.
DS can choose which days he works (sort of like agency work). Until this week he said he wasn't going to work on Christmas Day. He has chosen to do so.
He hardly ever has a Saturday or Sunday off which means he rarely sees DD. That is why it was going to be lovely to see them both together for once. He won't say no when asked to work extra shifts and would not be penalised for doing so.
Also he has not volunteered to work for financial reasons.
It would have been lovely for us to have a few hours together over the festive period but it is not to be unfortunately. That isn't going to be possible now until after New Year.

I really do not resent them having partners and new families. I am glad they are settled and happy in their lives.
It is just a disappointment that DS has involved me in shopping and planning for a lovely day when we could all be together; then suddenly volunteering to work.
Edit to add: DD is just as frustrated with DS as I am for this.

OP posts:
tearsandtiaras · 05/12/2024 06:47

Its just a day you sound nuts. Spend time together before or after.

Does he get paid more for working xmas day?

Maybe he is saving up to get out of the teeny tiny house

Overthebow · 05/12/2024 06:56

Yabu. Your Dc are adults now and they have partners. They have to juggle work and seeing all family. I think they’ve actually come up with a good plan which means you aren’t alone on Christmas Day and everyone gets together on Boxing Day. It may not happen like that in future years so you need to get used to the idea that things change and you may not get what you want every year.

LoquaciousPineapple · 05/12/2024 06:56

You're talking as if he's added his partner's parents to your planned day, when really the opposite is true. You've been added to their plans, and if they posted here saying "we had Boxing Day plans with our DD and her partner, and now he's added his family we barely know to them" then they'd have a point to be miffed.

You seem to think “DS’s partner going to her parents alone on Christmas Day” is a straight swap so everyone would be happy. Except that means that her parents have gone from being hosted to doing the hosting for the big meal, they don’t get to spend time with your son (shockingly, they might like him!) and your DS’s partner doesn’t get to have a Christmas meal with her family and her partner together.

Your issue is that your son is choosing to work rather than see you on Christmas Day. It's nothing to do with his partner or her family and everything to do with what had gone wrong in your relationship with him that he'd choose work over you on such a big family day (since you say there’s no necessity for him to work).

MiddleParking · 05/12/2024 07:00

He won't say no when asked to work extra shifts and would not be penalised for doing so.
Also he has not volunteered to work for financial reasons.

Is the implication here that he’s done it just to piss you off? He sounds more like the sort of person who would do a Christmas Day shift to be helpful to his colleagues. I’d be proud of him for that and for still going out of his way to offer hospitality to his mother, sister and in laws the next day. He sounds like a really nice guy. I also find it vanishingly unlikely that any house can be too small for six people for one meal and I’d be careful not to make anything of that point because it seems premised on the risky assumption that you and DD remain in the priority top four.

MiddleParking · 05/12/2024 07:03

Also, it sounds like DD’s partner and his parents have had their offered Boxing Day hospitality rejected because of factors that are nothing to do with them, and have the most to complain about in this situation.

DoreenonTill8 · 05/12/2024 07:09

tearsandtiaras · 05/12/2024 06:47

Its just a day you sound nuts. Spend time together before or after.

Does he get paid more for working xmas day?

Maybe he is saving up to get out of the teeny tiny house

This and He hardly ever has a Saturday or Sunday off which means he rarely sees DD.

Surely as adults if they want to see each other then they will organise it?

Cornflakes44 · 05/12/2024 07:10

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 05:29

OK it seems I am being unreasonable. 🙂 It is good to hear different points of view. Thanks everyone for your input. To answer a few questions, my adult DC left home over 5 years ago, two years apart.
DD works Monday to Friday and has bank holidays off.
DS can choose which days he works (sort of like agency work). Until this week he said he wasn't going to work on Christmas Day. He has chosen to do so.
He hardly ever has a Saturday or Sunday off which means he rarely sees DD. That is why it was going to be lovely to see them both together for once. He won't say no when asked to work extra shifts and would not be penalised for doing so.
Also he has not volunteered to work for financial reasons.
It would have been lovely for us to have a few hours together over the festive period but it is not to be unfortunately. That isn't going to be possible now until after New Year.

I really do not resent them having partners and new families. I am glad they are settled and happy in their lives.
It is just a disappointment that DS has involved me in shopping and planning for a lovely day when we could all be together; then suddenly volunteering to work.
Edit to add: DD is just as frustrated with DS as I am for this.

Edited

This would annoy me too. If there's no reason to work why ruin the plans everyone was looking forward to. If he had to work it would be a different story. Hopefully you can find some time in the run up to be together.

Completelyjo · 05/12/2024 07:13

So AIBU to want some time for just our immediate family to relax, exchange gifts and have a meal together on one day over Christmas?

Yes. Your children are adults living with partners, you don’t get to dictate that it’s just immediate family particularly when you aren’t hosting.
It’s totally reasonable for your DS to have extended the invite to his in-laws. If you don’t want to go then don’t but don’t moan about it or dictate anything.

Hobbesmanc · 05/12/2024 07:16

You don't really know why your son is now working Christmas Day. You say he's chosen to but you have no idea of the dynamics of his work. Maybe he's saving up for something special and the money is too good, maybe he's looking for a promotion and this will impress his boss, maybe he owes a big favour.

You're still all seeing each other, plenty have to make compromise.

Eenameenadeeka · 05/12/2024 07:19

If you want to have a meal with them, invite them for dinner? On a day that works for all of you even if it's a week or so out. But I do think you're being unreasonable, they are both planning to see you but they have partners families to consider as well.

Swipe left for the next trending thread