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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have one meal over Christmas as a family?

69 replies

Oneblindmouse · 04/12/2024 23:58

Bear with me, this may be complicated.

We are a very small family. There is DD, DS and I. DD and DS have partners. We live in 3 separate small houses.
The arrangement this Christmas was for DD and I to go to DS's house for Christmas Day with DS and his partner. DD's partner is working Christmas Day but DD and her partner will go to his parents house on Boxing Day.
DS and his partner were going to his partner's parents on Boxing Day.
There was a possibility that DS may have to work on Christmas Day and today he confirmed that was the case. We had agreed that if that happened we would move our family meal to Boxing Day.
DS's partner will go to their parent's house for Christmas Day, which is fine. However DS today announced that our family meal at his house on Boxing Day will now include his partner's parents. Meaning there will be 6 of us. That sounds OK but really isn't, as DS's house is very small. The kitchen table seats 4 at a a squeeze and the living room only seats 4 people on a sofa and one armchair. It will be a nightmare especially as 3 of us are disabled.

So AIBU to want some time for just our immediate family to relax, exchange gifts and have a meal together on one day over Christmas? DD has suggested that she and I have Christmas Day at my house but I would really like to see DS as well. I have gifts for him and his partner and was really looking forward to it.
DD and I don't really know DS's partner's parents, have only met them once.

OP posts:
coffeesaveslives · 05/12/2024 07:20

I think you're being a bit silly.

Book a family meal for just the three of you somewhere if that's what's so important to you, but you can't expect your adult children to exclude their in-laws on Christmas Day or Boxing Day etc. just to suit you!

itsjustbiology · 05/12/2024 07:22

op for the sake of everyone please let this go and dont hold on to your resentment

Saturdayssandwichsociety · 05/12/2024 07:23

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 05:29

OK it seems I am being unreasonable. 🙂 It is good to hear different points of view. Thanks everyone for your input. To answer a few questions, my adult DC left home over 5 years ago, two years apart.
DD works Monday to Friday and has bank holidays off.
DS can choose which days he works (sort of like agency work). Until this week he said he wasn't going to work on Christmas Day. He has chosen to do so.
He hardly ever has a Saturday or Sunday off which means he rarely sees DD. That is why it was going to be lovely to see them both together for once. He won't say no when asked to work extra shifts and would not be penalised for doing so.
Also he has not volunteered to work for financial reasons.
It would have been lovely for us to have a few hours together over the festive period but it is not to be unfortunately. That isn't going to be possible now until after New Year.

I really do not resent them having partners and new families. I am glad they are settled and happy in their lives.
It is just a disappointment that DS has involved me in shopping and planning for a lovely day when we could all be together; then suddenly volunteering to work.
Edit to add: DD is just as frustrated with DS as I am for this.

Edited

You still all can be together OP? On boxing day? A couple of extra people round the table doesn't mean you arent all together.
You sound resentful that your son and his partner don't want to separate for what is their main christmas day together - they are making a statement that they see their families as all 'their' family now, not 'his' and 'hers' and that's very positive. If you are awkward about it you may find in future when things progress and there are maybe grandchildren her family are prioritised over you.

RedHelenB · 05/12/2024 07:25

MasterBeth · 05/12/2024 00:18

DD. and I will not get to see DS at all over Christmas to exchange gifts and have a meal together.

But you will. On Boxing Day.

This.

IrritableVowel · 05/12/2024 07:25

OP it is OK to be disappointed. Your son could have said no to the extra shift. He has moved everything and everyone around now to accommodate himself. It's annoying.

Do you all live nearby each other? Could you meet up one night after work (eg 23rd or 27th) just the 3 of you, and have a meal. It might be nice tk set a day/ night as your own immediate family tradition

MiddleParking · 05/12/2024 07:30

coffeesaveslives · 05/12/2024 07:20

I think you're being a bit silly.

Book a family meal for just the three of you somewhere if that's what's so important to you, but you can't expect your adult children to exclude their in-laws on Christmas Day or Boxing Day etc. just to suit you!

It sounds like that is indeed OP’s expectation of both of them which DD has met (hence cancelling the invitation she’d accepted to her partner’s parents’ house for Boxing Day), and OP is annoyed that DS won’t similarly fall in line.

Original poster
Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:32

RedHelenB · 05/12/2024 07:25

This.

Show quote history

Sorry if I wasn't clear.

DS is working on Christmas Day. DD is going with her partner to his parents on Boxing Day.

Neither of them have a day off on the same day this side of New Year.
I will see DD on Christmas day and DS on Boxing Day. DD and DS won't see each other at all.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 05/12/2024 07:33

Things change with adult children, just go with the flow. At least they’re including you, don’t make it difficult for them.

PerditaLaChien · 05/12/2024 07:35

If he doesn't mind working christmas day maybe he's just a really decent guy who's offered that knowing he has co-workers who really don't want to?

My family struggle to all be together on christmas day for various reasons but we get together on a different day, often a week or two before etc. Could you maybe have a nice lunch together on christmas eve or that weekend before? Or new years day perhaps.

Original poster
Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:37

tearsandtiaras · 05/12/2024 06:47

Its just a day you sound nuts. Spend time together before or after.

Does he get paid more for working xmas day?

Maybe he is saving up to get out of the teeny tiny house

He doesn't get paid more for Christmas Day and doesn't want to move house.
He simply can't say no when asked if he will do the shift (ASD).

OP posts:
Womblewife · 05/12/2024 07:37

Could you offer to give DS the monet he would have earned doing Christmas Day? Then you could just carry on with the plan as usual.

Original poster
Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:39

PerditaLaChien · 05/12/2024 07:35

If he doesn't mind working christmas day maybe he's just a really decent guy who's offered that knowing he has co-workers who really don't want to?

My family struggle to all be together on christmas day for various reasons but we get together on a different day, often a week or two before etc. Could you maybe have a nice lunch together on christmas eve or that weekend before? Or new years day perhaps.

Sadly DD and DS will not have a day off on the same day until after New Year. He is a nice guy but struggles with the word "no".

OP posts:
scotstars · 05/12/2024 07:41

People make it work for 1 day. I have a small living/dining area if it's only for duration of a meal you should manage. It sounds like the original plan was 4 adults and now is 5 -1 more shouldn't make the difference

DoreenonTill8 · 05/12/2024 07:45

does ds' dp have siblings? Who's the extra taking you to 6 on boxing day? You, ds, dp, dpdm, dpdd =5 ?* *
And looks like you and dd will be together Christmas day?

Original poster
Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:45

Womblewife · 05/12/2024 07:37

Could you offer to give DS the monet he would have earned doing Christmas Day? Then you could just carry on with the plan as usual.

As mentioned above it's not about the money. I do feel for DD though as she has contributed to Christmas dinner at DS house and now it's not happening. She and I now have to plan and shop for our dinner instead. She will also have to prepare most of it due to my disabilities. At least I will get two Christmas dinners 🙂.

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 05/12/2024 07:46

I think you need to go with the flow. Either you and dd go to the meal with ds partners parents

or

let ds and dd coordinate a day when they can both have a meal together with you, even if this is before or after the Christmas period.

I think complaining about how things have turned out may make him just not eant to bother...in his eyes he has come up with a good plan (having all relatives round together) and you arent happy with it

Behindthethymes · 05/12/2024 07:47

It seems unreasonable to me that your back up plan was Boxing Day despite knowing both dc had plans for those days.

I have 2 siblings, as does dh and my sil and a complicated pattern of whose turn it is to host which dps to ensure no one is left out. 2 of the families have a separate Christmas family get together in the two weeks either side of the 25th, the third is obsessed with the day itself and always generates unnecessary drama and bad feeling.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2024 07:47

Your son is being considerate and trying to include everyone. Sounds like he’s a hard worker, too.

Just be pleased that you raised a good man and enjoy the meal for 6.

Original poster
Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:49

DoreenonTill8 · 05/12/2024 07:45

does ds' dp have siblings? Who's the extra taking you to 6 on boxing day? You, ds, dp, dpdm, dpdd =5 ?* *
And looks like you and dd will be together Christmas day?

Sorry it will be only 5 on Boxing Day. DS partner has no siblings.
My mistake. Yes I will be with DD on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
tilypu · 05/12/2024 07:52

Life changes. It's not unreasonable to want that, of course it's not. But this year it's not going to happen, and you just need to accept that. It might not happen again tbh. I can't remember the last time we had a Christmas, just me and my family. One year my daughter stayed away, one year a friend of hers came, one year my son's then girlfriend came, for the last at least four years, other friends of their's have been there.

Both my children have partners now. I think this Christmas there will be at least the five of us, possibly more. Neither of the partners have been with us for Christmas before - but as life for them changes, us parents need to adapt.

Please don't let this get in the way of you enjoying the time that you do get to spend with them, despite not all being together.

Harrumphhhh · 05/12/2024 07:58

With kindness, as it sounds like this is really difficult for you, you really need to loosen those apron strings.

Your children are adults. You no longer need to manage their relationship. It’s not your job to worry about when they see each other; they’ll work it out if they want to.

Ask DS for the money DD has given him back, buy some ready made Christmas food so that neither of you have to ‘cook’ and enjoy your day with DD.

It sounds like DS has changed the plans and his DP’s family are accommodating you in their plans so be gracious and polite to them (the extra person in the tight dining room is you!)

If you want a family day, arrange something for the end of Jan. people are just about ready to socialise again by then!

No33 · 05/12/2024 08:00

Ah, it's Christmas, it's about families spending time together!

We always have random friends and family joining us as the invite goes out to everyone! And we spend it at my brother's who lives in a 2 bed flat. There's usually around 10 of us at the height!

Just go with it, you'll have fun! You're still seeing your family!

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 05/12/2024 08:05

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:39

Sadly DD and DS will not have a day off on the same day until after New Year. He is a nice guy but struggles with the word "no".

Show quote history

Or maybe he doesn't struggle with the word 'no' at all and has opted to work instead of spending a special day with you moaning on and living in the past with your expectations that the 'kids' will always be just that to you. I wonder if he'd have taken the Christmas day shift if you treated him as an adult? I have a feeling he could write a book on his mothers expectations and 'disappointments'...

coffeesaveslives · 05/12/2024 08:15

OP - your children have bigger families now. It's no longer just the three of you and you shouldn't expect it to be.

You can't expect your kids to exclude their in-laws on your say-so. That would be incredibly rude. Either embrace the big family Christmas in a squashed home (which is what millions of people do every year) or have your own get together before Christmas or in the New Year if that's what you want.

MiddleParking · 05/12/2024 08:17

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:49

Sorry it will be only 5 on Boxing Day. DS partner has no siblings.
My mistake. Yes I will be with DD on Christmas Day.

Show quote history

This story just gets madder. Your OP positioned the six people as the crux of the problem. Clearly the issue is actually that you just want Christmas to be you and your kids (which you know is unreasonable or you’d have said it outright) and that the day you’ve chosen for your alternative to a Christmas Day celebration is one where DD already has plans. Absolutely none of this is your son’s fault and it’s really unfair that both you and DD are acting like it is.