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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is it polite to leave??

105 replies

WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 20:40

I'm attending a wedding, I really don't want to go.

Ceremony starts at 2.30pm
Speeches & food 6pm
"Games" and music 8pm
Special fun hour 12pm-1am

It's been expressed bride wants everyone to stay until 1am

When can I leave while being polite? Do I have to stay until 1am?

OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 21:33

LigamentBandy · 04/12/2024 20:47

Agree, don't make yourself go x
(Games and fun hour makes my palms sweaty! Not a fan of enforced fun! )

Exactly, forced 'fun' - urg!!

OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 21:35

stargazerlil · 04/12/2024 21:02

They are paying for your free dinner, they will expect you to stay and perform your duties until the end. So polite would be when bride says so.

Perform my duties?!

OP posts:
stargazerlil · 04/12/2024 21:39

WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 21:35

Perform my duties?!

Show quote history

Yes, the usual wedding duties. dance, and drink , make a show of yourself slightly drunk, lunge at the bride occasionally telling her how beautiful she is, smile and nod at relatives boring stories etc etc.

stargazerlil · 04/12/2024 21:40

bolwin1 · 04/12/2024 21:22

It depends on your relationship with the bride to be - if you are not very close friend, then slip away when the main dancing starts around 9pm. If you are the groom, I'd suggest staying a bit later.

Or maybe overnight even?

Howmanymoredays · 04/12/2024 21:41

HorseyHorsham · 04/12/2024 21:13

Do You know (officially) the bride wants people to stay until 1am?

Are you expecting others to leave with you?

I will say, you sound like my mother from about 25 years ago. She started by leaving early, then just not going, then not RSVPing. Her increased refusal to socialize increased to a point where she hates interacting with anyone other than on precisely her terms. In short she has become odd and reclusive. It creeps up on you, but it always starts with “how soon can we leave”. It’s no way to live.

Maybe she is happier when she doesn't have to interact with other people. I know I hate having to, and have declined all social activities for years. Why should people have to endure being around other people if they don't want to be? Because someone else says they "should" enjoy it (even though they don't)?

Wendolino · 04/12/2024 21:43

Just a warning- my uncle had an 80th birthday party 10 years ago and his niece, my cousin, (who's a nurse and had been on early shift that day) was tired and crept quietly away about 9pm.
My auntie was absolutely furious and still goes on about how disgusting it was to leave early!

Seriously, there will probably be so much going on, they won't notice you creeping away about 10pm. Not everyone is as mad as my aunt.

Original poster
WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 21:43

EmraldSky · 04/12/2024 21:09

2.30pm to 1am?????!! how can she expect everyone to stay until 1am? i would stay until around 8-9pm as long as all the food had been served by then. rude to leave before all the food is out

I know! 10.5 hours!

OP posts:
redgingerbread · 04/12/2024 21:43

WTF does the midnight special fun hour involve?! (Do I want to know??)

mondaytosunday · 04/12/2024 21:45

I'd go after the dinner when they are starting the 'games' (sounds dreadful).

EllaPaella · 04/12/2024 21:45

Special fun hour sounds like something meant for only the bride and the groom at the end of their wedding night that she's accidentally put on the wedding plan 🤣

BunnyLake · 04/12/2024 21:45

I’d play it by ear. If there’s loads of people there and no one will notice then you could probably slip out about 10pm. It really depends what your relationship to the couple is. Maybe she’s afraid everyone will leave too early?

Original poster
WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 21:45

stargazerlil · 04/12/2024 21:39

Yes, the usual wedding duties. dance, and drink , make a show of yourself slightly drunk, lunge at the bride occasionally telling her how beautiful she is, smile and nod at relatives boring stories etc etc.

Show quote history

I can't even drink as I have to drive there and home.

And I am not able to dance while sober.

So I'll be sat, not drinking, not knowing anyone else, for 10.5 hours.

Maybe I'll have to pretend I died.

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 04/12/2024 21:46

Unless you’re the groom, you don’t really have any obligation….are you the groom?!🙈🙈🤣

stargazerlil · 04/12/2024 21:47

WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 21:45

I can't even drink as I have to drive there and home.

And I am not able to dance while sober.

So I'll be sat, not drinking, not knowing anyone else, for 10.5 hours.

Maybe I'll have to pretend I died.

Show quote history

Perhaps take a cardboard cut out of yourself lean it against a wall and slip out earlier then.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 04/12/2024 21:49

It's OK to leave when the dancing starts.
The bride is asking too much expecting guests to be there 11 hours. Lots of people simply don't have the stamina.
At my nephew's wedding most of us oldies went to bed at about 10pm and got a few hours of solid kip before being woken up by the younger guests careering along the corridor to their bedrooms. Everyone was happy.

Original poster
WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 21:50

stargazerlil · 04/12/2024 21:47

Perhaps take a cardboard cut out of yourself lean it against a wall and slip out earlier then.

Show quote history

So my options

  1. pretend I've died
  2. cardboard cut out
OP posts:
EllaPaella · 04/12/2024 21:52

Feign a headache at 9pm and leave. Personally I think you shouldn't sneak off and say goodbye to the B&G. They won't mind, I'm sure they'll have plenty of guests happy to stay dancing etc until the end.

EllaPaella · 04/12/2024 21:53

As in don't sneak off but say goodbye to B&G

stargazerlil · 04/12/2024 21:53

WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 21:50

So my options

  1. pretend I've died
  2. cardboard cut out
Show quote history

or
3 feign illness & leave early.
I think that’s thee one.
You know you get those terrible migraines come on all unexpectedly..

Onlyvisiting · 04/12/2024 21:54

I'm clearly in the minority, I read your post and thought. Hmm. After the ceremony? 😅. If its not too soon I'd probably say I have xyz reason i csnt stat for the evening (so they don't cater for you) but would love to come to the ceremony
Also- wtf happens between 2.30 and 6? That's a long ass ceremony isn't it???

If they have already catered for you then yes, after the meal is done.
But if I'm really honest I would try and avoid the whole thing. Sounds awful. And wtf is fun and games at midnight?? Sounds very dodgy!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/12/2024 21:54

Just leave after the food but say you didn't, she'll never know! People left any time from 9pm-3am at my wedding and I couldn't have told you what time anyone left.

WickedlyCharmed · 04/12/2024 21:54

I'd be at home in my PJ's by 10pm latest.

Onlyvisiting · 04/12/2024 21:57

WeddingPedding · 04/12/2024 21:50

So my options

  1. pretend I've died
  2. cardboard cut out
Show quote history

How close are you? Sounds like a bad date, so getting someone to phone you with a family emergency seems valid!

The more grown up option would definitely be to decline the evening invite. If they are offended by that then might as well skip the entire thing, no point making the effort to come if they are going to be cross if yo7 leave early!

allthatfalafel · 04/12/2024 21:57

No reason to stay past the food, that's the best/only part worth going to.

Doggymummar · 04/12/2024 22:02

I would be gone before dinner, what you supposed to do after the ceremony for three hours?