Husband thinks I owe him money for maternity leave?

[LemonadeShadeParade]

I am so confused! So pleased advice me!

I took 10 months mat leave, and my work did not provide any enhanced mat pay because I had been there less than two years. So I've been living off SMP only which isn't very much! My husband and I discussed this would be the case before getting pregnant and agreed we could manage as we both had allocated baby savings and my husband has a fairly decent salary (though I am the higher earner of the two of us).

I tried my best to contribute but as the months went on and I ran out of savings I had to contribute less and less. Again, this was all discussed before we got pregnant.

I'm about to return to work.

My husband has now sprung on me, that he's been calculating how much I've been short every month, adding it all up and now thinks I owe him the total 🫤

E.g. (not the real numbers) If I usually paid him £800 a month towards bills etc and in March actually paid him £300, he put down that I owe him £500 for the month of March. If I paid him £600 in April, he thinks I owe him £200 for April. Etc. and he's totalled it all up for 10 months and said that's what I owe him for being on mat leave.

AIBU to be a bit ??? by this? Firstly it's not what we agreed but more importantly we're a married couple and this is OUR baby not MY baby. AIBU to think his role here was to support his family whereas mine was to keep the baby alive? I was too shell shocked to say anything before we were interrupted and didn't finish the conversation.

I'm so confused, am I wrong? I mean if he suddenly lost his job or got sick, I would support our family, is that not how families work? Doesn't the working parent support the other parent who's off work looking after the baby? I thought that's how this works?! ☹️

Please do not have another child with this “man.”

No way. Brass neck.
Sometimes I am baffled by the conversations that occur in people's relationships.

Seperate finances in a a marriage, particularly with kids, always seems like a gift to a potential financial abuser imo. Given that assets within the marriage are shared it just seems like a way for one party to control or limit the other day-to-day. Even if expenses are paid as a percentage of salary it leaves the surplus fun or saving money as proportionate too, meaning there is always a richer and a poorer person. If a couple really DON'T want to share finances they shouldn't get married (another thread of course).

During our marriage we have had spells where I have been the higher earner, times where DH has. My work has funded us through his unemployment at one point and his through my needing to reduce working hours due to becoming a carer. We are a team and both have equal say over the money coming in regardless of source.

It's all well and good saying women like OP can protect themselves by getting back to work full time and ensuring he pays his way wrt childcare. In reality no-one knows the future and I could not be with someone who I would not trust to have my back if I ended up unable to work for any unforseen reason (or indeed a foreseen and discussed reason such as maternity leave for a planned child).

Tell your DH that he'll have to wait because you have already added up all your loss of income during ML and that you'll invoice your child when they get their first job.

You will then pay your DH your 'debt'. See what he says.

I'm still absolutely baffled by his opinion in today's world. It takes two to make a baby, but only women have to suffer financially? Oh to have a magical penis.

You're more patient than me. I would have to continue the conversation now.

Bill him for surrogacy (9months), childcare (day and night nursing) and any household tasks you did during maternity leave (cleaning, cooking, organising, doctors visits etc), I suspect it will be a lot more than he thinks you owe him

Sure he wasn't joking, that's really bad if he's serious. He definitely wouldn't be getting it and if he is serious can the relationship recover from that.

So would I.

If this is real, your husband is an absolute twat.

Just give him the phone and tell him to read the replies.

OP's DH do you realise what a cunt you have made yourself out to be??

There is no justification for his claims. I hope he will see that & back down, but that is the behavior of a decent fair person, he does not appear to be one. My guess is that he will resort to sulking or trying to intimidate you into agreeing with him.

Exactly this, I was thinking the same, then I saw your comment. How fucking sly of him. Playing daddy all day then secretly totting off to get his notebook to work out how much you owe him. This has me raging and it isn't even me.
If you say it's out of character pp then maybe it's his family putting toxic thoughts into his head?
How fucking dare he? Your wage getting reduced to a pittance and then he is still expecting you to contribute as normal?
Not only this but the whole "my money, your money" shouldn't even be a thing in marriage. It's combined wages, which then goes in the same pot. Split 50/50.
I'd be having serious words with him then tell him to fuck right off and get on with your night.
Does he intend on you setting up a direct debit or something? I can't believe it!

I wouldn't wait for the conversation to come up again. I personally wouldn't be able to let something like this slide and my DH would hear - very clearly - what my opinion on that comment is.

This

W the actual F

Your husband is a total dick
I am speechless

Wow he is a prick.

Find out the hourly rate for a local Nanny / nursery and point out how much he owes you.

oh, and never have another child with this awful man.

Tell him to GFH.

That man is the opposite of family, marriage, love, fatherhood.
Even if he backs down, I don't think I could ever forget that.

In some areas it's £1800 or more.

Surely, if you split the bills according to your income he should have been paying a much higher proportion of them while you were on SMP? I only paid a third of bills while I was on maternity leave because I was effectively on half my salary for a year.

As others have said, he should be appreciating what you have saved him paying in nursery fees. Or when is he taking his turn to do parental leave? And will he fund that out of his savings?

No, no, no - he is being completely unreasonable! You were on stat mat pay and you are a married couple! There’s lots of ways to split finances but fundamentally bill/ expenses need to be split proportionately depending on how much you both earn. you shouldn’t be running down all your savings to pay day to day bills when on bay leave for a child you both agreed to have!
does his employer give parental leave? Would he have been eligible for enhanced parental leave? There might have been a load of reasons why you didn’t for for this (and I’m not asking you to list them on here as that is a really personal choice) but if you both agreed for you to take the mat leave then you both share the financial implications of that. Plus you won’t have got any pension contributions during your May leave and if you have a student load you won’t have been paying that off whilst the interest racked up either! If he’s going to be so petty he can factor that in too and pay what would have gone in your pension from both you and your employer and he can pay a year off your student loan!

Very short conversation needed. Joint account or I’m leaving.

I’d kick him so hard in the bollocks he would never be able to father another child

Wow. Does he think the baby isn't his? That's the only reason I can think of of.. what if you tell him that you have been thinking about being a sahm..Just to see his reaction..
My husband is far from perfect but he knows we're a team when it comes to work/childcare. I'm so sorry OP, I imagine you must be so disappointed...