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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to start a conversation about sex

64 replies

Meloney · 03/12/2024 21:06

I've been with DP for 6 years. We haven't had sex for the past 3 years. We're both mid 30s, no kids. Otherwise, we have a good relationship, we get on great, have fun, look out for each other, and respect each other.

I cannot get him to talk about sex (the lack off) at all. It doesn't matter how I try to approach, he just brushes off any attempt to discuss it with a joke or something. He has no ED or physical issues, he's very fit and healthy. Tbh he's never seemed totally comfortable with sex, I get the impression he's partly embarrassed/self conscious about it, and partly worried he's going to hurt or disrespect me in some way. I think the sex stopped for us around a time I had a bad bout of UTIs, and I had to take a break from sex for a while to get rid of it.

He's actually decent in the bedroom, but can't seem to let go and enjoy it? Any advice for a getting him to open up about this? Or how to start the conversation in a non cringey way? I know a lot of people here will say end the relationship, but I think that's a bit extreme?

OP posts:
x2boys · 03/12/2024 21:13

I'm a,lot older than you early 50,s I have been with my dh 20 years and intimacy is very infrequent however I'm menopausal my dh,is on antidepressants,we have two teenage kids one with comp!ex disabilities which doesn't help I'm ok with this right now ,but in your case what do you actually get out of the relationship?
Can you live with this longterm?

Rhinomania · 03/12/2024 21:18

DH and I had something similar after having kids - it was a couple of years. Everything else was fine but intimacy went out the window and we never discussed it. Then we had a weekend away, without the kids, got drunk, and got back on the horse, so to speak. Since then it’s been much better.

PonyPatter44 · 03/12/2024 21:19

Three years!!? Lots of us go through dry spells but that's a long time. If everything else is good between you both, would it be worth having some sessions with a sex therapist to try and get to the bottom of what's going on?

Do you want kids?

Original poster
Meloney · 03/12/2024 21:29

We're not planning on having kids, no.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2024 21:33

Gay or asexual? Do you feel like you fancy each other, kiss, hug, see each other naked?

TheSilkWorm · 03/12/2024 21:34

No sex for 3 years and he won't discuss it?? Sorry but this relationship is dead, unless you're happy to be celibate.

NC10125 · 03/12/2024 21:34

If he is really uncomfortable talking about this you could try texting him so that he has time to think through what he wants to say back.

Maybe something like “Can we make some time to sit down and talk about our sex life tonight? I really miss having sex and I’d like us to talk about whether there is any way we can get back to that place”

bakewellbride · 03/12/2024 21:36

" I know a lot of people here will say end the relationship, but I think that's a bit extreme?"

No, living in a sexless relationship for 3 YEARS is what's extreme. It will not change, celibacy or break up are your 2 options here.

x2boys · 03/12/2024 21:39

Meloney · 03/12/2024 21:29

We're not planning on having kids, no.

Do you want sex?
Are you happy with how things are right now ? As I said my situation is very different and I'm a,lot older than you ,and we have a family and joint finances ect
Unless I'm missing something there's is no real reason to tie you I his man

Brainauchocolat · 03/12/2024 21:40

Would he mind if you opened things up and had a couple of discreet FWB?

parietal · 03/12/2024 21:48

do you want sex? I assume yes
does he want sex? his behaviour says no

if he doesn't want sex, does that mean the end of the relationship for you? you are young and have lots of time to find other options.

housemaus · 03/12/2024 21:58

After 3 years and him refusing to talk about it, I actually don't think it is extreme to end the relationship, if that's what you want. That's a refusal to discuss something that's important to people in a relationship (and more importantly, something you've said you want to talk about). He gets to decide if he wants to have sex or not, but equally you get to decide if you want to remain in the relationship and someone who couldn't communicate with me about something important isn't someone I could stay with.

If, after 3 years, he just isn't bothered - enough to talk about it, try fixing it, or tell you if there's a problem. You can open with - when we've talked about this in the past you deflect on it and I get that it might not be comfortable for you, but talking about our sex life is important to me. But I get the sense that if it's gone this long I'm not sure you'll get anywhere.

livingafulllife · 03/12/2024 22:15

3 years thats not a dry spell thats the end well it would be for me.
My advice would be very blunt as in we need to talk about it you need to up your game or we split up because im not a cheat so i can go get me some and find someone that wants me in that way.
Well whats it gonna be.

GabriellaMontez · 03/12/2024 22:20

"I want sex, we need to have a chat about how this is going to happen".

It's problematic that he won't have a discussion about this with you. That in itself is not respectful.

mrlistersgelfbride · 03/12/2024 22:22

No kids, no ties?
You've tried to talk about it. He won't.
You are young.
It's unlikely to get better.

This doesn't have to be the life you settle for.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 03/12/2024 22:24

It's not so much the length of the dry spell (though it is long) but the fact he won't discuss it that would bother me. It's quite an immature response to what is essentially a serious issue.

In your shoes I'd be very direct and simply say we haven't had sex for too long, it's not something I can continue to do without so we need to discuss it.

Mumto32022 · 03/12/2024 22:26

Have you tried to initiate ? If so, what does he do ?

I agree that it is perfectly reasonable to end a relationship due to a sexless relationship. Especially if this isn’t even communicated on his behalf. Thats really unfair.

could you see a relationship therapist / sex therapist ?

Mumto32022 · 03/12/2024 22:27

I also find texting is easier sometimes if they are quite awkward having a face to face discussion.

Hiiteex · 03/12/2024 22:28

It won’t get better after 3 years. You either accept it or you don’t.

padampada · 03/12/2024 22:30

Might he have adhd?

XmasElfOnTheShelff · 03/12/2024 22:35

Honestly?

I would just say you need to have a serious conversation and you’re not letting it go this time. That you’re concerned you’re going to get divorced if this isn’t sorted and you need to talk about it without jokes.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 03/12/2024 22:36

padampada · 03/12/2024 22:30

Might he have adhd?

Why would that make a difference? Just out of interest? I've never heard that before.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/12/2024 22:38

I read some very good advice on here. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, physical intimacy is one of (if not the) most important areas of compatibility. It is probably the only need that can be met by your partner. If you don’t meet each other’s physical intimacy needs, then the relationship cannot be a happy or enduring one.

Marine30 · 03/12/2024 22:39

If he had a couple of drinks do you think he might open up a bit? I don’t mean shit-face but if he is a bit uptight or awkward around sex conversations this might allow him to open up a bit if you could broach it once he’s merry and relaxed.

TheyDidntBurnWitchesTheyBurntWomen · 03/12/2024 22:39

"OH I would like to have a conversation about sex, this is important to me and I need you to take it seriously not deflect or avoid a conversation. When would be a good time do you think? I'm free now"

Pick a time when he's not tired or stressed and neither are you. Not hungry. And be prepared to wait a couple days for a time he suggests if he doesn't want to talk at hat moment.

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