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Original poster

How to start a conversation about sex

64 replies

Meloney · 03/12/2024 21:06

I've been with DP for 6 years. We haven't had sex for the past 3 years. We're both mid 30s, no kids. Otherwise, we have a good relationship, we get on great, have fun, look out for each other, and respect each other.

I cannot get him to talk about sex (the lack off) at all. It doesn't matter how I try to approach, he just brushes off any attempt to discuss it with a joke or something. He has no ED or physical issues, he's very fit and healthy. Tbh he's never seemed totally comfortable with sex, I get the impression he's partly embarrassed/self conscious about it, and partly worried he's going to hurt or disrespect me in some way. I think the sex stopped for us around a time I had a bad bout of UTIs, and I had to take a break from sex for a while to get rid of it.

He's actually decent in the bedroom, but can't seem to let go and enjoy it? Any advice for a getting him to open up about this? Or how to start the conversation in a non cringey way? I know a lot of people here will say end the relationship, but I think that's a bit extreme?

OP posts:
allthatfalafel · 03/12/2024 22:40

All the comments on this thread so far are terrible.

There's nothing less sexy (and more pressurising/stressful) than having a "serious conversation" about sex.

There are plenty of good reasons why someone might not want to have sex. and plenty of good reasons not to break up with someone because of it.

I would start by recreating the start of your sexual relationship together. Go on the same date, or wear the same colour underwear, or wear the same perfume. Tease him while you're out, make it clear what you want without springing it on him. Make it seem natural and unpressured. Maybe watch a movie together that has a good sex scene without being sleazy porn.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 03/12/2024 22:41

I might actually try initiating first - talking could potentially make it an even bigger issue. Whereas a bit of romance might get things kick started.

But if that doesn't work, blunt conversation.

If he's unwilling to talk about it or look for a solution, then break up. I feel like particularly if you don't have or want children, a romantic relationship is a bigger deal, as you have more time / energy to spend with that person. If it were me, I'd want some sex every now and again....

Dameruoy · 03/12/2024 22:42

Life is too short for no sex. Is he asexual? I assume not as you said he's good in bed. I find it odd he hasn't discussed it already.

XmasElfOnTheShelff · 03/12/2024 22:43

allthatfalafel · 03/12/2024 22:40

All the comments on this thread so far are terrible.

There's nothing less sexy (and more pressurising/stressful) than having a "serious conversation" about sex.

There are plenty of good reasons why someone might not want to have sex. and plenty of good reasons not to break up with someone because of it.

I would start by recreating the start of your sexual relationship together. Go on the same date, or wear the same colour underwear, or wear the same perfume. Tease him while you're out, make it clear what you want without springing it on him. Make it seem natural and unpressured. Maybe watch a movie together that has a good sex scene without being sleazy porn.

Edited

He doesn’t want sex. He won’t see her underwear. There is a serious issue here and it’s not a lack of dates.

DaisyChain505 · 03/12/2024 22:43

No matter what the reason is behind the fact you haven’t had sex in three years you need to be able to discuss it like two grown adults who can talk about anything together otherwise you’re living in a false reality with a huge elephant in the room.

couples counselling would be great to help in all areas including intimacy and communication.

this has gone on for so long the issue has just become bigger and bigger when really it could probably be solved by a good serious talk and some non scary baby steps towards intimacy.

SullysBabyMama · 03/12/2024 23:02

TunipTheVegimal24 · 03/12/2024 22:36

Why would that make a difference? Just out of interest? I've never heard that before.

Show quote history

I was also wondering this 😂Especially as I get major dopamine from sex so would be the opposite for me….
But I think it’s the sensory and bodily fluids aspects... putting parts of his body in a weird, warm, wet hole…. Smells of breath and… other places.
So maybe ASD vibes.

Original poster
Meloney · 03/12/2024 23:06

Marine30 · 03/12/2024 22:39

If he had a couple of drinks do you think he might open up a bit? I don’t mean shit-face but if he is a bit uptight or awkward around sex conversations this might allow him to open up a bit if you could broach it once he’s merry and relaxed.

Neither of us drink, this is probably part of the problem😅

OP posts:
Mumto32022 · 03/12/2024 23:07

allthatfalafel · 03/12/2024 22:40

All the comments on this thread so far are terrible.

There's nothing less sexy (and more pressurising/stressful) than having a "serious conversation" about sex.

There are plenty of good reasons why someone might not want to have sex. and plenty of good reasons not to break up with someone because of it.

I would start by recreating the start of your sexual relationship together. Go on the same date, or wear the same colour underwear, or wear the same perfume. Tease him while you're out, make it clear what you want without springing it on him. Make it seem natural and unpressured. Maybe watch a movie together that has a good sex scene without being sleazy porn.

Edited

It’s been THREE years. That ship has probably sailed!!!!

Original poster
Meloney · 03/12/2024 23:14

He maybe does have some autistic traits (my brother is autistic and it has crossed my mind before). He's very particular about everything, has deep, specific interests, definitely not keen on the bodily fluids, or the unknown. He is actually very loving and tactile, but I don't think he has much of a sex drive to be honest. I wouldnt say I have a high sex drive but I would like SOME sex. I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring him though.

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 03/12/2024 23:15

@Meloney what happens if you try to initiate?

Does he ever see you naked?

sunights · 03/12/2024 23:20

I'm not an expert but aware that different people have different sexual triggers - e.g. emotional connection / intellectual stimulation / physical attraction / feeling horny when they have high dopamine from an unrelated matter eg sports team win etc..

BlingaRinga · 03/12/2024 23:21

Whatever you say don’t say this.

In my experience, anything that feels like pressure will probably cause him to shut down more. That said, he owes you an honest conversation.

I think the starting point has to be to understand how he feels about it without pressure or judgement. If he really won’t talk then I’d go for a letter, email or text message.

The key thing to impart is that what is important to you is to understand how feels. NOT that it’s important to you that you have a sexual relationship with him (of course it may be that sex is a deal-breaker for you but that’s the worst way to get him to open up).

Maybe he knows what’s going on and he hasn’t found the courage to talk to you about it yet. Maybe he doesn’t fully understand it himself.

Original poster
Meloney · 03/12/2024 23:25

NZDreaming · 03/12/2024 23:15

@Meloney what happens if you try to initiate?

Does he ever see you naked?

I haven't tried initiating for ages because of the rejection/disinterest - he just sort of moves me aside or leaves the situation, or changes the subject.

He sees me naked/semi naked most days, but it doesn't seem to interest him in that way. He does, however, compliment me about my body all the time, and often says I look good.

Interestingly, he's uncomfortable being seen naked himself. He's self conscious about his penis in particular for some reason - it's a perfectly typical penis, not on the small side or anything.

OP posts:
BlingaRinga · 03/12/2024 23:30

BlingaRinga · 03/12/2024 23:21

Whatever you say don’t say this.

In my experience, anything that feels like pressure will probably cause him to shut down more. That said, he owes you an honest conversation.

I think the starting point has to be to understand how he feels about it without pressure or judgement. If he really won’t talk then I’d go for a letter, email or text message.

The key thing to impart is that what is important to you is to understand how feels. NOT that it’s important to you that you have a sexual relationship with him (of course it may be that sex is a deal-breaker for you but that’s the worst way to get him to open up).

Maybe he knows what’s going on and he hasn’t found the courage to talk to you about it yet. Maybe he doesn’t fully understand it himself.

This was supposed to quote an earlier post which basically said “I need sex or it’s over” which is absolutely the worst thing you can possibly say

Franjipanl8r · 03/12/2024 23:36

I’d ask if he’s experienced some kind of trauma that means he isn’t able to talk about your lack of sex and go from there.

itsmabeline · 03/12/2024 23:37

Have you tried initiating rather than talking about it? How does that go when you try?

This might be enough to kick start something again. He might simply be interested but not initiate and respond if you do.

Mimsy123 · 03/12/2024 23:39

Meloney · 03/12/2024 23:25

I haven't tried initiating for ages because of the rejection/disinterest - he just sort of moves me aside or leaves the situation, or changes the subject.

He sees me naked/semi naked most days, but it doesn't seem to interest him in that way. He does, however, compliment me about my body all the time, and often says I look good.

Interestingly, he's uncomfortable being seen naked himself. He's self conscious about his penis in particular for some reason - it's a perfectly typical penis, not on the small side or anything.

Show quote history

Is he maybe watching porn, and now has an unrealistic perception of penis size? If he is watching porn, perhaps that’s his release and you are being neglected.

NZDreaming · 03/12/2024 23:43

Meloney · 03/12/2024 23:25

I haven't tried initiating for ages because of the rejection/disinterest - he just sort of moves me aside or leaves the situation, or changes the subject.

He sees me naked/semi naked most days, but it doesn't seem to interest him in that way. He does, however, compliment me about my body all the time, and often says I look good.

Interestingly, he's uncomfortable being seen naked himself. He's self conscious about his penis in particular for some reason - it's a perfectly typical penis, not on the small side or anything.

Show quote history

Sounds like he has issues with body confidence. Perhaps try being more vocal about how sexy/good looking you think he is and work on building up his confidence. Does he speak poorly about his own appearance in general?

Ultimately you will need to have a conversation but only you can decide how that would work best. I find talking about sex really difficult as this was not something that was ever spoken of growing up other than in school and is definitely not something I would ever have heard about from my parents, so I get the uncomfortable/reluctance to speak directly. (Although conversely I have no issue with nudity) You could send him a text/email or bring it up when lying in bed in the dark if you think that will help navigate/avoid his embarrassment. If he deflects you need to be a bit firmer about him needing to listen and acknowledge your concerns. Let him know he doesn’t have to answer right away, he can take his time but does owe you some explanation whether it’s that he has body dysmorphia, ED, is a-sexual, realised he’s gay, has a porn addiction, has anxiety around sex or whatever it might be. Make sure he knows you want to understand him, that sex is important to you but that you don’t want to coerce or push him into something he’s uncomfortable with.

If you can’t get him to communicate about this then it comes down to whether you want to stay in a relationship that doesn’t include sex and never knowing the reason why.

itsmabeline · 03/12/2024 23:43

If you haven't initiated for ages, time to try again. I'd try initiating a few times, spread out over a couple of weeks so that it doesn't seem like too much pressure, before starting a conversation about it.

Then I would gently bring it up to ask if there's anything wrong, explain to him how his response makes you feel rejected and invite him to tell you how he's feeling about it. Sensitively and without pressure or blame.

Original poster
Meloney · 03/12/2024 23:49

Thanks everyone. And for my next question... any suggestions for how to randomly initiate sex again after all this time? Feels awkward!

OP posts:
itsmabeline · 03/12/2024 23:53

Watch a movie with a sex scene in it. When it's finished, turn to him and kiss him. Touch him. Etc.

I'd suggest binge watching a few episodes of Bridgerton, but I don't think you're there yet! (It's full of sex scenes)

BlingaRinga · 03/12/2024 23:54

Something I have previously found useful (but needs you to have had an honest conversation first) is to have physical contact but with an agreement that it doesn’t go beyond a certain point that you are both comfortable with. Depending on your starting point that could be as simple as lying next to each other in bed OR it could be touching anywhere except under underwear. But the key thing is you agree a limit and stick to it for a period of time (a day, a week, a month) and no-one pressures the other to go any further and even if you both want to, you don’t.

The idea is it provides the opportunity to connect and rebuild desire by removing any pressure and anxiety.

Ponderingtosk · 04/12/2024 00:05

If you don’t want children do you think he’s worried that sex could lead to an unwanted pregnancy?

I think you need to take it extraordinary slowly, be loving, words first, a quick kiss now and then, a brush of a hand, a hug, holding hands, randomly spaced, building up probably over weeks if not months and gauge reactions, make it normal, ie don’t go from 0-60 in one go.

then depending what happens you will need to think about your needs and what you want from life. I had life changing surgery and afterwards it never occurred to me to initiate sex (there was a year where I couldn’t due to surgery), fortunately DH is understanding and we’ve worked it out now but it’s taken time.

BlingaRinga · 04/12/2024 00:08

TunipTheVegimal24 · 03/12/2024 22:36

Why would that make a difference? Just out of interest? I've never heard that before.

Show quote history

For a lot of people with adhd it isn’t an issue - sex is one big dopamine hit after all!

For some the transition from the honeymoon period of high attraction can be tough, and some have difficulty sustaining a long term relationship because they’re craving the “hit” of that initial desire.

Others have difficulty quietening the mind enough to get in the mood - to just relax and get in the zone because they have so much internal chatter.

healthybychristmas · 04/12/2024 00:09

This is as good as it's going to get. You're going to end up begging or pleading or threatening and that's no way to have a sexual relationship with someone. If sex is important to you then I would move on. It's very sad but really there is no point in continuing if that is important to you.