He got angry but was IBU?

[BlimeyThisLensIsClear]

NC as I often post to try and get perspective from the nest of vipers/wise women here and it helps me as I try a navigate my perimenopausal phase of life.

Long journey with DH on our own. Me driving. Him making a call re one of our DC. I’d suggested we make the call on the journey. He’d agreed but in retrospect says he hadn’t wanted to.

He is using speaker phone. The woman on the line has made an error in her understanding and he doesn’t correct her. I give him the information. Let’s say it’s a date.

So I say ‘It’s not that date, it’s this date’ to him. He puts his hand up and with an angry face makes it clear he doesn’t want my input so I pipe down.

Call finishes and so I try to explain re the wrong date and why I know it’s the wrong date and why I felt the need to give him that information whilst he was on the call. He puts his hand up to stop me. Doesn’t let me finish my sentence. Talks over me telling me he knows etc. I am trying to finish my sentence but he talks over me so I shut up. This was less than a minute I’d say.

After a while I say ‘you just spoke to me horribly, did you mean to?’ I was calm.

He angrily says ‘I’m sorry if you are upset but …

• I knew the information
• you shouldn’t have interjected
• I didn’t talk angrily
• you are over reacting

all said at length and angrily. All the while interrupting me. Talking over me.

In the end I got really upset not because he’d been angry with me, but because he was then dismissing my feelings about it. I cried. He called me manipulative so then I shouted that I wasn’t having him tell me I’m being manipulative. Big row now with me sobbing and him telling me I’m being manipulative.

Obviously this isn’t an isolated incident but he is still utterly convinced that he is right and I was the unreasonable one to have interjected so his anger was justified and i shouldn't have had an issue with it.

I think what I did was intended to be helpful but I appreciate could have been annoying but I believe that his response was disproportionate.

What do you all think?

Was he right to get angry in the first place and even more angry when I asked him if he’d meant to talk to me horribly?

Thanks in advance 🙏

If he got the date wrong he got the date wrong. You tried to correct it he wasn't having it. In future let him fuck up and clean up the mess. He sounds like a dick

His reaction was totally disproportionate and not acceptable. Even if he didn’t find it helpful to be told the correct information at that time there just isn’t an excuse for adults to be horrible to one another in that way. He is, I presume, capable of civil disagreement with other people he isn’t married to so why don’t you get the same respect and courtesy?

Thank you both. I do feel quite strongly that he was out of order. If I think ‘would my behaviour cause this in another relationship?’ The answer is ‘no’.

He would say, however, that I ‘interfere’ or ‘interject’ too often (which USED to be true so I tend not to anymore unless I’m confident it’s helpful - even then I am sometimes wary). Also, he has a track record for forgetting things, saying he will do something and then not. I’ve had to push for him to carry any of the mental load - which to him was ‘nagging’ or ‘nit picking’ etc. but I rarely do now as he has stepped up more.

Yes he is capable of that. He has however done this with his mum, my mum, my sister, our DC. The DC were a line I wouldn’t let him cross so led to me referring us to Social Services. He’s in therapy. It’s got better.

3 people have voted IABU. I’d love to hear why? I’m always open to self improvement.

I'm in two minds here.

If the date was important - eg you were organising a family get together and the other person needed to put it in their diary then it was right to interrupt him.

However I wouldn't make a call like that while driving as I would want my full attention on the call.

If the date wasn't important- eg he was telling his mum that you've booked a family holiday summer next year - I would not have interrupted him just because it wasn't important.

Sounds like the call should not have been made while in the car.

Ah... is he one of those that if you remind him of things you are nagging but if you don't then it's your fault for not reminding him?

I had one of those. I'm in the process of putting him in the bin where I unfortunately found my self esteem and self worth.

I was driving. He was making the call. It was something that had been on the ‘to do’ list for a while.

The date was important for meeting a need for one of DC. I don’t want to get into specifics if that’s ok, but I felt it was important it didn’t get delayed further. As soon as I saw my input wasn’t wanted I piped down.

Does that change anything do you think?

Ha. Yup. It’s hard to predict when it’s ‘helpful’ and when it’s ‘interjecting’, ‘nagging’ or ‘micro managing’. The former will get a cheery ‘Oh yes, thanks!’, the latter seething and barely hidden resentment or full on rage.

I literally cannot stand someone talking to me while I'm on the phone, especially when trying to sort something out. And then to talk to me after the call and tell me 'why they felt the need' to do that.

I don't think either of you shone yourselves in glory, but I'm not sure he was the instigator

I’ve been married twenty years and I dare say annoyed my husband plenty of times. He has never and would never speak to me with “seething and barely hidden resentment or full on rage”. It’s abusive and I’d be reconsidering the relationship if he did.

However unwise the choice to make the call in the car and however annoying he finds being interrupted, “full on rage” is not acceptable.

The situation sounds horrible, and I can understand that you are upset.

A few things struck me.

You suggested he made the call, and at one stage at least he was reluctant. (I appreciate that if you were driving it was reasonable for him to take on this task.)

But, when he made the call you, albeit trying to be helpful, interfered.

I am trying to make sense of this part of your post

After a while I say ‘you just spoke to me horribly, did you mean to?’ I was calm.
He angrily says ‘I’m sorry if you are upset but …

• I knew the information
• you shouldn’t have interjected
• I didn’t talk angrily
• you are over reacting

all said at length and angrily. All the while interrupting me. Talking over me.

You had asked him a question, and presumably wanted a reply. How was he interrupting you?

my ex was like this, sometimes you have to adapt and shift.. rather than interject, you let them know you need to say something, wait for them to pause the call, then tell them.

The trouble with talking to someone while they're on the call is the person the other end doesn't know you're speaking, and the person you're talking to might miss something being said... it's as annoying as being interrupted by a small child.

His reaction after was completely unacceptable though!

I was explaining why I gave the information to appease him, not to correct him btw. I was in no way correcting him at any point. It was the woman on the phone that made the mistake which will delay something for one of DC.

As soon as he put his hand up I shut up. It was less than a minute - a couple of seconds.

Would yoI feel justified to shout at someone for doing it?

Bigger picture it sounds like you have a DH with a serious anger problem. Is he abusive in other ways and if so why are you so fixated on this and not the bigger picture?

That was a shorthand description of a longer interaction.

So he said something like;

’I didn’t talk to you angrily at all’

I would then go to say something like ‘Your voice was raised, your face was angry… etc but before I’d get two words in he shouted over me - something like ‘you are just over reacting’ to which I would then start to explain that my feelings are valid but he’d shout over me again.

It’s his pattern. Any hint at criticism and he rages. Minimises. Blames the other person. Shouts over. It’s a pattern he’s trying to change and sometimes he sees it and sometimes he doesn’t.

I haven’t voted, so I’m not one of the 3, and I don’t know if you were being unreasonable. But I can see how what you describe could be irritating in a couple fo ways. Having someone talk to you while you’re conducting a phone call can be really irritating in itself, even f the information is useful it can be a difficult situation to process, in effect, two conversations at once. You don’t give details (which I respect and don’t need) so it may be that t was absolutely essential that DH got the date right then and there, but normally I think it’s best to just let someone know after the fact and they can call back and sort out that one piece of the call. So the interjection can be irritating all by itself, though also sometimes useful. But you stopped when he indicated he didn’t want the help, so it should be the end of it except you then tried to justify yourself to him. You’ve already told him the wrong date, he heard you. You’re basically doubling down. The explanation then comes across as really critical, in effect telling him he’s fucked up. Which isn’t a great thing to hear - especially if he’s realising he did in fact fuck up.

And if this is something that has been a flash point in the past, he will likely be a bit hyper-sensitive to it. So as soon as you start he has his hackles up.

I don’t know if this is how it went down, I’m just saying I can see how that sort of scenario could play out in a way that’s really irritating.

On the other hand, having a go at you while you’re driving is out of order. And it sounds like he has form for that and you are probably hyper-sensitive to it which explains the getting worked up about it instead of brushing it off.

I don’t know if you’re posting here because this is just one more incident out of many and you are reconsidering your relationship or not, but if not (and if the above seems plausible) then some relationship counseling focusing on this dynamic and tools to work around it might be helpful.

I am thinking about the bigger picture. I just occasionally find it helpful to check out my perspective. It’s easy to get into a place of viewing him through the ‘you are abusive lens’ and then assume I’m in the right but I check it out every now and again so I don’t forget to challenge my own part in the dynamic.

I voted Unreasonable, as I picked up on this too.

We clearly aren't getting a true picture of the event from OP.

I see that more detail has been added now. It probably would have been best to discuss it later once both calmed down and not driving. Still voted Unreasonable, although I'd obviously vote him Unreasonable too.

Important context is probably: Was the 'date' meaningful to the conversation in any way, or was it something that didn't really matter at all?

My quote was lost above. I was agreeing with this.

Thank you. That’s a really thoughtful and considered post.

My ‘doubling down’ was me trying to appease him. I as trying to explain that I wasn’t criticising him or correcting him. She had made a wrong assumption.

So initially I was giving him information so that he could correct her - but stopped when asked/told.

Then I was trying to explain that I could see that the woman on the phone has assumed wrongly and that it was her that got it wrong. My explanation was an attempt to placate him and explain why. He angrily shut me down.

The argument was then about me saying ‘You just spoke to me horribly, did you mean to?’ and whether it was reasonable. If that makes sense.

His view - my actions deserved that level of anger, he wasn’t as angry as I made out and I’m over sensitive and cry to manipulate. I disagree.

I can see how m initial behaviour was irritating but if he’d have let me speak he’d have realised that I wasn’t correcting him, or making any judgement about him at all. Even if I was, I don’t think it was a proportional reaction from him.

It’s information that is needed for one of DC to access a health related service.

To me, regardless of everything else, it seems like you are walking on eggshells around him, self censoring and second guessing yourself so as not to inflame him. Sounds tiring!

Thanks. Yes. If I could turn back the clock I’d have kept my mouth firmly shut!! My life is always much easier at home when I do sadly.