He got angry but was IBU?

[BlimeyThisLensIsClear]

NC as I often post to try and get perspective from the nest of vipers/wise women here and it helps me as I try a navigate my perimenopausal phase of life.

Long journey with DH on our own. Me driving. Him making a call re one of our DC. I’d suggested we make the call on the journey. He’d agreed but in retrospect says he hadn’t wanted to.

He is using speaker phone. The woman on the line has made an error in her understanding and he doesn’t correct her. I give him the information. Let’s say it’s a date.

So I say ‘It’s not that date, it’s this date’ to him. He puts his hand up and with an angry face makes it clear he doesn’t want my input so I pipe down.

Call finishes and so I try to explain re the wrong date and why I know it’s the wrong date and why I felt the need to give him that information whilst he was on the call. He puts his hand up to stop me. Doesn’t let me finish my sentence. Talks over me telling me he knows etc. I am trying to finish my sentence but he talks over me so I shut up. This was less than a minute I’d say.

After a while I say ‘you just spoke to me horribly, did you mean to?’ I was calm.

He angrily says ‘I’m sorry if you are upset but …

• I knew the information
• you shouldn’t have interjected
• I didn’t talk angrily
• you are over reacting

all said at length and angrily. All the while interrupting me. Talking over me.

In the end I got really upset not because he’d been angry with me, but because he was then dismissing my feelings about it. I cried. He called me manipulative so then I shouted that I wasn’t having him tell me I’m being manipulative. Big row now with me sobbing and him telling me I’m being manipulative.

Obviously this isn’t an isolated incident but he is still utterly convinced that he is right and I was the unreasonable one to have interjected so his anger was justified and i shouldn't have had an issue with it.

I think what I did was intended to be helpful but I appreciate could have been annoying but I believe that his response was disproportionate.

What do you all think?

Was he right to get angry in the first place and even more angry when I asked him if he’d meant to talk to me horribly?

Thanks in advance 🙏

Yup. Exhausting. Sadly.

The DC were a line I wouldn’t let him cross so led to me referring us to Social Services.

Would you be comfortable sharing more about this? As it seems rather important. What did he do/say to your DC?

Sorry but you are a victim of abuse and you’re trying to find a way for us to blame you so you can feel it’s your fault. It’s not. He’s allowed to be annoyed by your interjection (although it sounds like a small correction to the person he was speaking to) but the reaction is exceptionally disproportionate.

Is he BU to find it annoying you speaking to him while he’s on the phone? No I think lots of folk would. What’s absolutely unacceptable is the shouting, talking over you, and generally overreacting.

Is he nice ever OP? Living on eggshells is no life for you.

The issue isn't that you interrupted him or whatever your most recent blow up may be about. The issue is you can't bring up anything without him exploding. I get it. My DH is the same. And I'm done right now after a similar argument blew up yesterday. Over something so minor. His ego is so fragile and he gets so defensive that no matter how I bring something up it will always escalate into a massive argument. It's impossible being in a relationship with a person like this.

Sorry to hear that.

Yes, I think we are beginning the end phase now too.

It's ridiculous that you are tolerating an attitude and behaviour that is so bad you made a referral to social services.

How much has he changed really? Or is this just in relation to the DC/everyone but you.

Can you emotionally separate and make your "marriage" a business transaction?

I am assuming you are staying for financial/SEN/disability reasons. If not why the hell are you still with him?

As always there is a more complicated story. It’s not for today. Safeguarding happened and will happen again if needed.

But it’s helpful to bring a snap shot just to see, in isolation, what people think so I can take a step back and double check my thinking. Helps to keep me strong!!

I hear you. I am switched on and tuned in and it’s in hand. It’s just helpful every now and then to share a small snap shot to get perspective, stay clear and not get sucked into only one way of seeing things.

When all of those snap shots keep pointing to the same thing - it helps me stay resolute and strong in the face of gaslighting. 💪

This. Mountain and molehill.

He's right. There is nothing worse than being on The phone and someone else is interrupting you /correcting you

Its hard to tale on what the othef is saying.

You could of course has called yourself rather thab directing him to do it

yup. I get it was annoying. As soon as he put his hand up I stopped. I wasn’t correcting him. I was correcting her.

Does that give him the right to shout at me? It’s his angry tirade I called him out on.

I didn’t direct him. It was two parents deciding how to meet a need for DC.

I was driving so couldn’t call.

I think you need to leave. But, you already know this.

You always write these posts like you desperately want your partner to be seen as awful. With the facts, I don't think he is and I think you sound incredibly irritating, adding your negative spin to all of his behaviour.

This is an excellent comment, OP.

Yes it's annoying. She's obviously going to annoy him at some point in a marriage. And he's going to annoy her. This isn't the issue. The issue is his reaction. The explosive anger. Always turning the molehill into the mountain. It's exhausting. And leading her to walk on eggshells - never being allowed to put a foot wrong or express an opinion which differs to his because it leads to this.

Call finishes and so I try to explain re the wrong date and why I know it’s the wrong date and why I felt the need to give him that information whilst he was on the call.

How do you think that was going to make him feel?

It should have been:

”I’m sorry for interrupting you, thanks for making that call”

No backstory, no history - I think your behaviour in this one example was rude and inflammatory. But you’ve now drip fed enough to make sure anyone voting YABU on the original question is victim blaming.

YABU if you were driving while ''really upset'', '' crying'', ''sobbing'' ! ?
You are putting other lives in danger and your own too.
How can you drive if crying? Can you even see?
Get a grip or do not drive.(or push DH out the car).

"He has however done this with his mum, my mum, my sister, our DC. The DC were a line I wouldn’t let him cross so led to me referring us to Social Services. He’s in therapy. It’s got better."

Leave him.
Life is too short for putting up with this shit.

I've heard things like this happen before. I used to take calls from the public. If you ever got a pair on together, there would often be bickering about who was giving the information. Some people find phone calls very stressful and it's common for them to get snappy, especially when you attempt a three way conversation.

I'm not sure about the particulars of this argument because I didn't hear it, but this is a common trigger for arguments. I've voted YANBU because you were clearly only trying to be helpful.

I hope you can sort things out and you feel better soon x

Sounds hurtful, dismissive and disrespectful. Not very nice you don’t need to put up with it. Start doing things away from him and see if you can build up your confidence.

He was a pratt about his attitude, no doubt about that.
However there comes a point when one has to decide between "Winning or not being seen to back down" and "Getting a task completed and enjoying a quiet life."
Continuing a row whilst driving is not a good plan.

Hello DH. Thought you were working today?

Yeah. I got sucked into defending myself. I should have let it go.

"His view - my actions deserved that level of anger, he wasn’t as angry as I made out and I’m over sensitive and cry to manipulate. I disagree.
"

@BlimeyThisLensIsClear so he is openly admitting to using his exaggerated anger as a tool of punishing you. That is pretty fucked up.

He saying you are over sensitive, which is classic gaslighting

he says you are crying to manipulate - which is classic DARVO

I assume you know in your bones you are being abused. I assume there are periods of him being great and full of possibilities and if he only always could be like he is in these moments, the future would be great. and this makes you are constantly confused how you feel about him and your own behaviour in this relationship?

I also assume you are posting here to either convince yourself it is all your fault or to finally come to the conclusion to leave him?

He sounds impossible and abusive. get help, get therapy and absolutely avoid couples therapy.

I actually pulled over and got out of the car as soon as I could once I was getting overwhelmed. I was in no way putting anyone’s life in danger. Apart from anything it was all very rural and deserted. But I never continue to drive if I don’t feel safe to do so. Don’t worry. 😊