10 year old bedtime

[Howdoyoudodoyoudo]

Apologies this is long - for context .

My son is 10, almost 11. He’s in his last year of Primary school.

His bed time is 8pm . He can then have 30 min with something on his TV and a timer turns it off after 30 min . I’m not asking for advice on this , I know a lot will disagree with TV before bed , but I’m ok with it (so - in the nicest way, I don’t really want to start a debate about this ) . He used to have 730pm bedtime, tv until 8 and before that it was lower . I changed it to 8pm - 830pm last year. His older brother had a 830-9pm bedtime ( sleep at 9 ) up until he was 15.

I am having the continuous battle with him that this is too early and all his friends go to bed later . I know some of his friends stay up far later as I’ve had to turn his phone off at 10pm before because it’s rang and woke me ( I charge it in my room so he isn’t on it ) I know some of his friends are online gaming until whenever they want to. I believe he needs his sleep , so he’s not tired at school. Some mornings , he will be lay in bed and I’m having to go and wake him up repeatedly- a nightmare when I’m getting ready for work and he has to be up early as he’s collected by his nan at 730 because of my work. But sometimes he is up straight away . He can get ready very quick but he does need to be up by 645.

Most nights he asks if he can have 830-9 instead and I let him a lot, just to avoid a battle , but haven’t set that as his bedtime because then I think he will start asking for even later .

Last night , he asked for 830 - 9 . I said yes but I said he cannot come into me after that , as most nights I’ll be in bed and he will come in at 9 asking for a drink ( he takes one to bed anyway ) or saying he feels sick / can’t sleep , is hungry ( he can have something to eat whenever he wants in the evening , he has a good dinner - it’s just this wanting to be up later ) . I go to bed at 830 as I’m up early . Every night I’m being woke up - i usually read as I don’t like to sleep when he’s still awake watching tv . I don’t want him up and about when I’m in bed .

I think he has more freedom at his dad’s , sometimes he says he wants to stay there as he can go to bed later … but he can also say things like this to dad ( mom would let me etc ). So , anyway , last night after the chat of “ straight to sleep after the tv goes off “ he came in at 915 - so 15 min after his tv was off - and asked me to heat up a little Teddy he has ( it wasn’t cold , he had asked me a few nights ago and I had said let me clean the microwave tomorrow and then I will as we had used it to heat curry and didn’t want the bear to smell 🤣 the next day I did clean it and then he didn’t want the bear and didn’t mention it until last night at 915pm ) I said no, I was in bed falling asleep. Again at 930 he came in asking again and at this point I was grumpy with him and said no and that tomorrow ( today ) it would be a normal 8-830 bedtime as I was tired of this prolonging bed time when I have work the next day . Just to add my husband is waiting for an op next week for a hip replacement- he’s in agony every night and struggles to sleep . I have spoke about this with the children, it’s not forever he will have the op soon but I’ve said if he wakes he will be awake all night . I know it’s not their fault but he’s also the main income earner , working a physical job , up at 4 and goes to bed early because he can’t even sit on the sofa comfortably and last night he had fell asleep but then woke the first time my son came in and he was awake most of the night then .

This morning , I have had a morning of arguing with my son , he has shouted at me that I’m mean for making him go to bed at 8-830. He says all his friends go to bed later , I’m a mean mum , I’m treating him like a baby etc and that it’s not fair that he goes to bed early tonight ( his actual time ) because he ‘didn’t know ‘ I had said not to mess around after bed time .

In all fairness , this morning he was out of bed immediately. But yesterday after school ( the night before he had had his tv off at 9 but messed around after ) he was exhausted and lay on his bed all night because he was tired .

Am I a mean mum ? Is the bedtime too early?

My dad was strict with bedtimes. It was hell sitting up at night wide awake, not being able to sleep because my body wouldn't let me, and not having anything to do. Not really being able to leave my room - dad would flip if I did. I started getting panic attacks when it was time for bed because it was just horrible - still do now.

I wouldn't say you're a mean mum. You're already compromising with him and you don't sound like you would fly off the handle like my dad did if he did get out of bed. Id say listen to your son a bit more though. Ask him why this bedtime isn't working, is he not sleeping?

I vaguely recall reading something about kids being natural night owls? Might be wrong. He obviously needs enough sleep for school, but perhaps there's a balance that can be achieved.

Not really the point but teach him to use the microwave so he can heat up the teddy himself?

I'm amazed you could get your 15 year old in bed asleep by 9pm! I've found that our teens turned into night owls. Their body clocks meant that they'd be just staring at the ceiling for hours if made to go up at 9pm

But in answer to your question, 8:30 is pretty early for an 11 year old in my opinion.

That's chilling out family time in our house.

I’d say 8.30 is quite early- 9 sounds more like it. Does he wake up early? Fall to sleep early? He might need more sleep than others his age in which case YANBU.

My 10 year old is in bed by 9.30, 10 and usually asleep just after 10. Wakes up at 7 ish.

8.30 sounds very early for a 10-11 year old.

His bedtime is very early for his age. My own were out at scouts until 9pm once s week at that age and swimming team twice a week until then. He probably isn't tired. Also why are you doing the bear in the microwave, why can't he work the microwave at almost 11. The same goes for getting a drink or snack, why does he have to come to you. If he wants these things he should be able to do it himself then you aren't disturbed.

Can you get him doing more sport? People always chime in on these threads to say their 10 year old goes to bed at 10pm or even later. If they have had enough physical activity, they are going to be zonked enough to at least be in bed long before that. We have a "You can read quietly in bed as long as you like" policy which takes the boredom factor out of it if they are too far from sleep at the normal time. If the sleep hygiene is otherwise good (no screens in bedroom, no food too close to bedtime, etc) then reading seems to help them wind down.

It's too early. But he's not on early riser so that should tell you he's more of a night owl naturally.

It's a difficult one because if he was getting up immediately every day then said he wants a later bedtime it makes sense to try it.

Can you try bed at 8:30 and sleep at 9 as the main time and weekends is bed at 9:30 and sleep at 10 as a trial?

Also as far as your husband goes your son can't be responsible for your husbands sleep but you can say if he's awake past 9 he must not come in and wake him

It sounds like it will only work for you if it's a trade off. So when he is grown up enough to put himself to bed, and not come and disturb you ,he will be allowed to stay up later. Seems totally reasonable to me and hopefully will make sense to him? More autonomy but also more responsibility.

My 10yo goes to bed at 8:30 weekdays and 9pm weekends. He does sleep though, I'd probably reconsider if I knew he was lying awake for hours. I agree a free reading policy is good.

Not a bad idea , just had this chat with DH actually that I maybe need to teach him some more independence. I still make drinks for him , make his breakfast etc - which I don’t think is wrong at 10 but next year he will be in high school and making his own way there and I’ll be leaving for work before him so he needs to be able to do these things himself

I think it's far too early. I also can't believe you had a 9pm bedtime for a 15 year old!

I suspect he's tired in the evenings because you're trying to force him into a routine that isn't natural for him.

The thing is too - which shows what a good boy he genuinely is - he has a night light , he has plenty of books , he loves reading. So , if he can’t sleep , nothing to stop him reading for a bit , but he won’t because I’ve said it’s bedtime . But , if I say to him that he can do that he would ask what time until , and If I said a time that he had to stop by … he would then see that as his bedtime if that makes sense ? Kind of want to say - I won’t know , just read if you can’t sleep but I don’t know how to do that without him just taking it as no bedtime.

He doesn’t struggle to sleep . He loves his sleep , weekends he always sleeps in … it’s just having to go to bed at a certain time . I have seen that he’s really tired , but he’s still trying to prolong his bedtime . He doesn’t like school , will do anything for a day off ( I’m confident there are no issues - he’s a happy boy , lots of friends , doesn’t struggle with work .. he just prefers being at home , I was the same ) so I think it’s just that ending the day ready for school the next day that he doesn’t like . We have none of this at weekends .

He’s autistic , he needed that structure otherwise he would be up all night . Once he puts his sleep mask on , he’s asleep. But , if left to his own devices he would be up all night so it was more for him really - having that rule was something he stuck too so he had a decent sleep. He’s always woke very early

I think our house is just totally different, I have to be in bed by 9 or I’ll feel like I’ve not had enough sleep . I’ve always been an early sleeper , early waker.

I have exactly the same argument with DD 10 but I know she can’t manage on lack of sleep. I try to get her to bed by 8 but she’s often still reading at 9. If I made her turn her light out at 8.30 she would stay awake in protest so generally I leave her to it as long as she’s in bed. I can’t believe your teenager tolerated such an early bed time though!

This is pretty much what I’ve said - he is up and awake when my husband goes to bed and he would never expect silence etc . But I do think not coming in after 9 is a reasonable ask.

My worry is if I say 830-9 is his set bedtime , then it will be can I have 9-930 just for tonight and if I say no , back to the whole mean mum . Then when he’s in high school he will want later , he does need his sleep . More often than not I’m repeatedly waking him in the morning and when he’s like this he will then say he doesn’t want breakfast as he’s close to being picked up and doesn’t like eating straight away so then he’s sent to school with a cereal bar and I just think - tired with an empty tummy isn’t the way to start a school day.

Weekends is always later . Don’t really have a set bedtime , I’m quite relaxed - as long as he’s not gaming until midnight .

This is the thing , he can be tired too . He comes home from school sometimes so tired .

Eldest is autistic , he liked having a time that he had to go to sleep - as otherwise he would stay awake . He’s 18 now and actually asked me to tell him a time he had to go to sleep at .

The thing is, you can't force your son to be like you -

That’s not a bad idea . Something he can work toward too

Yr5 DD so similar age, does shed loads of physical activity so is ‘tired’ by 8.30pm but often doesn’t sleep until after 10pm because it takes her ages to decompress. We’ve also got a ‘read as much as you like’ rule to take the pressure off sleeping. She’s doing well at school so the odd bad night she does have isn’t causing problems. Time to loosen the reins a bit to encourage some independence and allow your DS to experience natural consequences of choosing to go to bed later (being a bit tired the next day)?

No, I can’t . But I do think at 10 , he should have rules and can’t just decide his bedtime - as at this age it won’t be thought of properly and acknowledging he needs sleep it will just be to stay up as late as possible

Sorry, posted too soon - you can't make someone sleep when they're not tired and in my experience, being made to go to bed early just makes me even more tired in the mornings as I've gone to bed stressed and frustrated.