10 year old bedtime

[Howdoyoudodoyoudo]

Apologies this is long - for context .

My son is 10, almost 11. He’s in his last year of Primary school.

His bed time is 8pm . He can then have 30 min with something on his TV and a timer turns it off after 30 min . I’m not asking for advice on this , I know a lot will disagree with TV before bed , but I’m ok with it (so - in the nicest way, I don’t really want to start a debate about this ) . He used to have 730pm bedtime, tv until 8 and before that it was lower . I changed it to 8pm - 830pm last year. His older brother had a 830-9pm bedtime ( sleep at 9 ) up until he was 15.

I am having the continuous battle with him that this is too early and all his friends go to bed later . I know some of his friends stay up far later as I’ve had to turn his phone off at 10pm before because it’s rang and woke me ( I charge it in my room so he isn’t on it ) I know some of his friends are online gaming until whenever they want to. I believe he needs his sleep , so he’s not tired at school. Some mornings , he will be lay in bed and I’m having to go and wake him up repeatedly- a nightmare when I’m getting ready for work and he has to be up early as he’s collected by his nan at 730 because of my work. But sometimes he is up straight away . He can get ready very quick but he does need to be up by 645.

Most nights he asks if he can have 830-9 instead and I let him a lot, just to avoid a battle , but haven’t set that as his bedtime because then I think he will start asking for even later .

Last night , he asked for 830 - 9 . I said yes but I said he cannot come into me after that , as most nights I’ll be in bed and he will come in at 9 asking for a drink ( he takes one to bed anyway ) or saying he feels sick / can’t sleep , is hungry ( he can have something to eat whenever he wants in the evening , he has a good dinner - it’s just this wanting to be up later ) . I go to bed at 830 as I’m up early . Every night I’m being woke up - i usually read as I don’t like to sleep when he’s still awake watching tv . I don’t want him up and about when I’m in bed .

I think he has more freedom at his dad’s , sometimes he says he wants to stay there as he can go to bed later … but he can also say things like this to dad ( mom would let me etc ). So , anyway , last night after the chat of “ straight to sleep after the tv goes off “ he came in at 915 - so 15 min after his tv was off - and asked me to heat up a little Teddy he has ( it wasn’t cold , he had asked me a few nights ago and I had said let me clean the microwave tomorrow and then I will as we had used it to heat curry and didn’t want the bear to smell 🤣 the next day I did clean it and then he didn’t want the bear and didn’t mention it until last night at 915pm ) I said no, I was in bed falling asleep. Again at 930 he came in asking again and at this point I was grumpy with him and said no and that tomorrow ( today ) it would be a normal 8-830 bedtime as I was tired of this prolonging bed time when I have work the next day . Just to add my husband is waiting for an op next week for a hip replacement- he’s in agony every night and struggles to sleep . I have spoke about this with the children, it’s not forever he will have the op soon but I’ve said if he wakes he will be awake all night . I know it’s not their fault but he’s also the main income earner , working a physical job , up at 4 and goes to bed early because he can’t even sit on the sofa comfortably and last night he had fell asleep but then woke the first time my son came in and he was awake most of the night then .

This morning , I have had a morning of arguing with my son , he has shouted at me that I’m mean for making him go to bed at 8-830. He says all his friends go to bed later , I’m a mean mum , I’m treating him like a baby etc and that it’s not fair that he goes to bed early tonight ( his actual time ) because he ‘didn’t know ‘ I had said not to mess around after bed time .

In all fairness , this morning he was out of bed immediately. But yesterday after school ( the night before he had had his tv off at 9 but messed around after ) he was exhausted and lay on his bed all night because he was tired .

Am I a mean mum ? Is the bedtime too early?

@Howdoyoudodoyoudo I agree but I think what you're trying to enforce is unrealistic for a child of his age.

The bedtime is the bedtime - you’ll make rules that work for your specific household and your beliefs about sleep. The issue is that he doesn’t agree with your approach or that he feels he’s injured by your decision.
That’s going to happen more now as he gets older and has more perspectives and options outside your household. I think you can just make sure that he feels heard : ‘you feel your bedtime is too early. You think it’s unfair that…etc’ It won’t make him any less annoyed, but he’ll know you understand how he feels and may even become a little more reasonable when he feels understood.

I think I might do a ‘read as much as you like’ rule too actually , have some rules ( light off , no tv , no getting out of bed and except for toilet , make sure he has a drink in his room )

This is very much my thinking , but sometimes I do wonder if it’s too much , it’s nice to hear someone else agrees

Totally respect your opinion , it’s what I came here for . Maybe it is too early

I think I’m going to do what someone else suggested - a ‘read until you want’ rule . That way he’s in bed , cosy, lights off, has what he needs and I know myself that I’ll fall asleep when reading and it will be naturally . I have a book light actually that clips on to the book so I’ll give him that . I’ll keep the 8-830 rule for TV / being out of bed etc until high school when I’ll change it to 830-9 ( maybe later this year and around year 8 it can be 9-930 )

I’m the same with my son. He can listen to audiobooks or read but lights have to out by a set time and he needs to stay in his room after bedtime. He has no problem getting himself out of bed, showered etc independently for school in the first year of secondary.

It’s partly situational (I’m dead on my feet by 9pm) but also I truly believe in the necessity of sleep. I’ll take resistance now against physical ill health/mental health problems later in life.

Sleep is very individual and what one 11 year old may need, is not the same as another. You know your son best, not us on MN! Is he falling asleep straight away or is he laying awake? The TV just before bedtime, could be stimulating his mind, meaning he's struggling to fall asleep. My son is 14 and has always needed his sleep, he's alright for a couple of days with later nights but then starts getting very grumpy and not being able to wake up in the morning. Unfortunately, he takes after me!! I would increase by 15 minutes but all drinks, teddy warming, teeth cleaning etc needs to be done well before lights out! By leaving it, he's using this to stay up even later!! My son sits in bed for half an hour before lights out, but he's had a drink/cleaned teeth, so it's lights out and sleep. See how your son copes with an added 15 minutes, for a few weeks.

Big drip feed there, Op. Is your younger ds also autistic? Only because you say he needs an actual, firm bedtime and takes a bed time from you as absolute. You also say if you advise reading until he's ready to sleep, he won't grasp the concept and will think it means that he doesn't have a bedtime.

My 9-10to son goes to bed later than I’d like 9-9.30, but what I’m hearing in these requests your son is making isn’t about extending the time he’s awake, It’s about connecting with you before he goes to sleep. My son wants a big cuddle before bed- he wants to sit in bed with me for a while watching soemthung. Before getting into his bed and reading for half hour. If I were say to him he wants a cuddle he’s disagree, but that is what he wants because if for some reason we don’t have this time together he really takes a long time to go to sleep. If we have this time together he only reads for 15mins etc .

your son is different, but maybe this perspective rings a bell for you?

It sounds as though it's your bedtime that's dictating his bedtime. That's fine to an extent but do you really need to be in bed by 9pm every single night?

Personally I'd like to do the same but with teen sons that love to chat later in the evening it's just not practical as otherwise we wouldn't see each other much (they have evening clubs). That chatting and downtime periods become really important when they get older.

He’s definitely not autistic , no. 100% not and no additional needs . I don’t think he needs that firm bedtime like my eldest does in the same respect - it’s more that he won’t do something he isn’t supposed to do .

Yes , I do . I have a very fast paced job , I need my sleep . If he was older , I wouldn’t dictate it because it’s what I wanted but I think at this age it is acceptable

We always had very early bed times in my house. My DC at 10 years were in bed by 8pm.

My children are now 13, 15 and almost 17 and all go to bed at 9pm. DD who is almost 17 has her own room and is allowed to read but she turns off her light and is asleep when I am going to bed at 10pm.

DS15 is usually awake still at that stage but he is happy to lie in bed with his thoughts. DS 13 is always sleep at this stage too.

DS15 is going into his own room shortly and so can leave the light on and read later if he likes.

No tv in bedrooms allowed, they watch TV together in living room until 8.45 and then all up to bed. No phones after 7pm either. They all do sports and are early risers, even at weekends they are up about 7am.

I do this every night , before I go to bed - which is around his bedtime or during his tv time , I sit with him and we have cuddle, I sprinkle his magic ( something we started when little to keep nightmares away ❤️ ) , I sing a bedtime song with him . I always make that time and I’m very affectionate I always pop in to his room through the evening and have a cuddle and a chat about his day , he comes down to me during the evening for the same , we have time most nights that we call ‘book club’ where we cuddle up on the sofa and both read x

It would only be another excuse to get out of bed & mess around. Plus if they regularly use it for heating things like curry and it's not cleaned & aired afterwards he's going to end up with a smelly teddy.

@Howdoyoudodoyoudo get him an alarm clock (not his phone) and tell him when he can get himself up, on time & ready to be collected then you'll consider moving him bedtime IF he stops mucking around & coming into you after lights out. (Unless the house is on fire!). No compromise on bedtime until he respects your & DH's sleep time.

is he allowed to read after tv time is finished?

My just turned 10 year old goes to bed at 9.30pm on weekdays and 10pm on weekends.

That seems relatively normal amongst his peers.

Personally I think its a little early, 10yo goes at 9pm week days, 930 - 10 on weekends depending on what we have on, but the issue imo is you have very fluid boundaries and lo knows he can push them. Maybe agree to make it 9pm lights out and to sleep for a week on the basis that if he messes about, you will revert back to 830

Sounds lovely.

i have no wise words. My kid is clearly needing more sleep than he gets, otherwise he would wake earlier. but I haven’t been able to insist he actually sleeps.

I am just mean mum who expects him to be in bed at 9 (when o get into bed) and after that he can’t get up etc.

We can be mean mums together 🤣

It seems very early to me but it's impossible to compare with friends as they might a) live closer to school so can get up later, b) have lower sleep needs than your ds to feel optimal, C) have night owl parents.

My 3 year old has the same bedtime as your ds for example, but doesn't need to wake up until 8am and DH and I go to bed around midnight. So the comparison is meaningless.

At 15 I frequently went to bed at 1am, well after my parents, because I was very diligent working on homework. I never disturbed them though. And I was tired every morning!

I think it's early for most 10/11 year olds but they are all different. My 11 year old goes to her room at 7, has phone /reading time then lights out at 8.15. She's asleep quickly and is a nightmare if she doesn't get enough sleep. So I'd say not too early.

My 12yr old's bed time is 830, and can read for a bit except for twice a week when it's 915 as she doesn't get home until 830. We notice the following day! Usually she's fast asleep by 9. Pretty sure when she was 10 it was 8 or she didn't get a story.

My 15 year old takes himself off to his room at 845 and usually reads for half an hour or so. I don't tell him to go to sleep any more. DD's phone shuts off at 7, DS's at 8 and both have to get up at 6 to catch the bus for school. At the weekend we often watch a film together, but only if it will be finished by 915.

So I don't think it sounds unreasonable, although DS often says his classmates are allowed to stay up all night gaming if they want.

We have a 9 and 11 year old. Both have to be off consoles/tech by 8:30pm but can watch TV. 9 year old brushes teeth etc at 9:10pm to be in bed with lights off by 9:15pm. 11 year old is 9:40 for 9:45 lights out

I take tablet/turn tv off etc at between 9/9.30pm for my 11 year old dd and she gets up at 7am