Urgent! Butt of jokes how to push back!

[ineedtowomanup]

So my colleague and I are going for a client meal today. My colleague always uses me as the butt of the jokes they make. It actually gets a bit awkward for the clients as they can see how uncomfortable it makes me.

These are key clients, people I've known years and have a respectable relationship with.

I know for a fact said colleague will again use me - I can't explain how they do it but they just take this piss out of me a bit to get a laugh and expect me to go along with it.

I just need to shut it down as professionally as possible.

Help!!

This is surely something you have raised with their manager or HR. Write down examples. This is not acceptable.

Ask them to explain the joke as you didn't understand. Then wait for them try to explain how they are trying to insult you.

Before you go to the lunch today, tell your colleague you want a quiet word, then ask him if he realises that he has a habit of making you the butt of so-called jokes whenever you have contact with this client.

Ask him if he can bear that in mind before the lunch today, and tell him that you don't appreciate being ridiculed. It's highly unprofessional and you hope you won't have to raise this again.

That ought to do the trick. And if it doesn't, then a hard Paddington stare followed by reporting to HR is your next step.

So what has the colleague said when you’ve addressed it with them before?

Agree with @AmandaHoldensLips AmandaHoldensLips (what a name! 😄).

This is the sort of thing you have to pull someone aside for. Point out what they are doing and tell them it's gone too far and they have to pack it in. If it carries on, escalate it. Chances are they won't carry on once you have stood up to them. If it does then document everything and take it further.

I can't explain how they do it

@AmandaHoldensLips has given the perfect suggestion for how to deal with it if you haven't ever raised it before. But you should really be able to quote examples so that your colleague can't claim they don't know what you're talking about etc.

Could you use the meet up time before the meal/ meeting to point out that you do not want to be used as a joke. Could you ask that the meeting is professional.
Remember this is in work time and any bullying or harassment is subject to your work policies in the same way as if it occurred at work.

When they make the "joke" don't laugh out of politeness, don't acknowledge it even, just continue on with your conversation with your clients. My father makes me the butt of all his "jokes" when we are in company, I've realised it's when he feels out of his comfort zone he tries to project the focus onto someone else which is usually me, for years I responded and make myself look stupid, now I just ignore him or just look directly at him and raise my eyebrows then continue on chatting, he still tries it every time but usually only the once because he knows it isn't going to wash with me. It's now him that looks stupid in front of others as his comment falls flat.

Important to speak to colleague before the meal today. Good advice upthread on what to say, and you can add that you have noticed it makes the client uncomfortable, which is unprofessional. Am guessing this is a power play situation where colleague is trying to assert dominance? Bullies thrive on not being challenged but will often back down if unexpectedly challenged verbally by their chosen target. Stand your ground and stay calm and professional. Good luck.

"Blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours shine any brighter"

Keep this in mind inneed,

I much prefer @susiedaisy1912 ’s approach. Your colleague already knows, or strongly suspects, that he is making you uncomfortable. He will take any attempt at a direct discussion as a sign of weakness.

I sometimes think we try too hard to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. ‘If I were doing this, I would want to be told, so I could stop.’ But that’s because I am not a jerk. Someone who does this habitually is.
Also start documenting, because going to HR is a valid option. If you do you will need facts.

Best wishes, OP.

I just need to shut it down as professionally as possible.

Shut it down before you go anywhere. Say clearly to this person that at the first sign of this behaviour you will make your excuses, apologise to the clients, and leave.

And escalate now before it all kicks of.

I agree with the posters who say you need to shut this down before you go. The fact that you haven't will make you look unprofessional as well in front of the client.

Take the person aside and tell them that you have noted that they make you the butt of the jokes and if you can give them examples. Advise them that you will not longer be tolerating such behavior and that you will take it to HR if it happens today or any other time and mean it.

As a pp has said, ask them to explain the joke. Do a mock 'sorry i dont understand, can you explain it' it really is effective because the punchline has gone and it will make them feel stupid to have to repeat their 'joke'

Ideally speak to them beforehand. If you're conflict adverse you can frame it as "you may not realise you have done this, however it makes me uncomfortable and I suspect it makes client uncomfortable too". Honestly though, they do know what they are doing so you could also directly say "you've done this previously, i dont like it and l will take it further" should he do it again.

In the moment, don't laugh it off or explain yourself. Stop, look at them as though they have said something strange, and then continue on as though they've said nothing worthwhile.

Afterwards, please go through a more structured route of documenting their behaviour and consider a formal complaint.

"It's making the client uncomfortable" is a good framing.

Will you be able to arrive first for the meeting, or have a pre-meeting with the client(s), so you "warm them up" before your obnoxious colleague arrives cold?

This is good. I do something similar in the boardroom when the many, many junior and inexperienced men feel entitled to talk over me. I skid to a halt and do everything in my power to draw attention to them until they’re desperately uncomfortable.

What is he saying?

Why are people assuming it's a male? The OP doesn't say.
What sort of jokes are they making at your expense @ineedtowomanup?

Or just say ‘how do you mean?’ with a cold tone.

There’s always fucking one.

The op clearly hasn’t broached it before as you well fucking know, she’s asking for help with how to broach it for the first time, as you also well fucking know.

Not everyone is confident dealing with things like this and superior, sneering comments like this do not help.

Speak to your colleague beforehand. Tell her that you've noticed she does this and to stop as it makes you and the client uncomfortable.

If she continues I'd grin and bear it in front of the client but pick up with your manager afterwards

I would not say that it makes you feel uncomfortable/awkward/whatever, because that's just validating his/her opinion of you.

I would speak to him/her before the next meeting and note that it is unprofessional and making the clients uncomfortable, and that you will escalate the matter if it isn't resolved immediately. Do not talk about your feelings, but about the unprofessional behaviour. Make it about him/her behaving inappropriately, not about you.

If it happens again, despite you having raised it, then you obviously have to follow through on your threat of taking it to HR. In the meeting itself, I would either go for a long, cold, stare and then carry on the conversation as though the intervention hadn't been made, or ask for the 'joke' to be explained as pp have said.

Some good advice here that I agree either have a quiet word with them beforehand or if you don't want to do that then whenever they make a joke about you just look at them blankly and don't laugh or fill the gap.

Hmm I wonder why people are assuming its a man 🤔...