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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be finding life with two under 4s unbearable?

69 replies

relentless24 · 02/12/2024 05:53

It feels awful, should be a magical time of the year and it just isn’t. Please bear in mind I’ve had next to no sleep for days now, so it’s probably coming over as more negative than I actually really mean.

One of our children is 3, turns 4 at the start of next year so not at school yet. In many ways he’s not too bad; he sleeps well, but so much of his behaviour is just exhausting and frustrating. Throwing toys, jumping on sofas onto people - which is fucking dangerous - he used to eat well but has become obsessed with chocolate and ice cream recently and whines for them constantly. He has no patience whatsoever - I obviously don’t expect much patience but so yesterday someone gave him a party bag leaving a party, I was putting his sister in the car seat and said I’d open it for him when he was in the car but he couldn’t wait even seconds so contents all over the ground. And this is illustrative; it’s all the time, he’ll ask for milk and I say yes sure just let me finish my wee and by the time I have done so milk is all over the floor. I feel like I am constantly, constantly on at him - get down, leave that alone, put it down, leave it, I said leave it. And yes I have read how to talk 😂

Then my younger one is nearly 17 months now and it’s not her fault, she has repeated ear infections which we’re trying to sort but her sleep is terrible as a result and she’s so clingy and grumpy during the day. She gets so upset when she’s in her pushchair for longer than ten minutes or so that it makes any trip out difficult / impossible - we’ve had to leave two places this weekend because she was fighting the straps, thrashing around and moaning, crying and screaming, at home she’s similar and just wants to be picked up but if I sit down with her she starts crying. What she seems to want is for me to endlessly walk around with her in my arms. I tried one of those hip carriers to give my arms a break but no, only my arms will apparently do and apart from the fact she’s heavy it’s obviously massively impractical. I’m struggling to get anything at all done. On the very, very rare occasions I don’t have children around me I have to desperately try to keep on top of household chores and it isn’t one of those lower my standards sort of scenarios.

I think I’m getting very depressed, and it’s hard to know whether it’s exhaustion, a natural reaction or what - I am not sure.

I work three days a week and that’s hugely adding to my stress as like a lot of part time workers I get treated like I’m full time and I am not sure there’s a way around this unfortunately, it’s just sort of how it is.

The worst thing is all the guilt inducing stuff about how they are only small once and I know this but at the moment I can’t wait for them both to grow up.

OP posts:
88MincePies · 02/12/2024 06:23

Only Instagram thinks this is a magical time of year. The pressure for the whole of December to be this amazing time is ridiculous. There's 3 weeks until actual Christmas.

Two under 4 was was always going to be challenging, they can be frustrating ages. Are they in childcare for the days you're not in work? You need at least a day to yourself.

BarbaraHoward · 02/12/2024 06:31

3 and 1 nearly killed me.

4 and 2 was a bit easier, 5 and 3 not too bad at all and now they're 6 and 4 it's a delight with a large side of whining.

Go easy on yourself, it's very hard to deal with a threenager when you're exhausted. Flowers

Arewethebadguys · 02/12/2024 06:40

I felt exactly the same OP! The 'enjoy every second' crew whose kids were much older made me feel so guilty. Just survive for now. You're doing great, it's just fucking hard. Give yourself a break when you can and let your partner take over if/when they can do you can rest xx

OrangeSlices998 · 02/12/2024 06:43

2 under 4 is exhausting. Can you take some time off work while they’re in childcare? Even a day or two? Outsource anything that gives you a tiny bit of breathing room, a cleaner for example? Where is your partner/husband?

I have 2 kids, 3rd on the way, and it does get easier as your youngest gets older. Things like ear infections will just make her so miserable and then you in turn are also miserable with it!

This time of year there can be a lot of pressure for everything to be magical. With kids this young, genuinely less is more!

Puddleclucks · 02/12/2024 06:50

Yep I hates those ages, work was actually my saving grace to get some time to myself.

I got through it by taking a day a month off when they were in childcare, tag teaming them at the weekend to either get some alone time or only having one to manage, and keeping really busy on my days off with clubs and groups etc, the whining was less noticeable when out and about.

It will pass, it does get easier xx

DancefloorAcrobatics · 02/12/2024 06:52

💐 It's so hard isn't it?
Keep Christmas activity low key, DC will not remember much anyway! Exept for Santa coming of course!!

I would look at ways of giving your DS some independence.

EG he wants milk, why not have a special cup in the fridge for him to take?
Throwing toys? Make a game of throwing them back into the toy box....
He wants a snack to eat? Get him a special bowl to fill and teach him to take it to the table for eating....

Usedtobeslummy · 02/12/2024 06:55

I have a 3yo and yesterday while I was decorating the tree she did a poo in the potty and then put some of her sisters treasured toys in her own poo which I had to fish out. I’m done with it! No advice. Try to stay sane. Scream into the abyss.

JennyForeigner · 02/12/2024 07:12

Ha yeah, 3 of 5 and under here. The only way we have survived is to engage professional help at every turn. Our kids do fullish days of nursery or wraparound in the week and it makes the weekends and holidays just about survivable.

They are loved, we do as much fun stuff as possible at the weekend but if they are going to chuck glitter paint in their milk in pursuit if a new recipe... I'd prefer it to be while sitting on child sized furniture on a laminate floor.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/12/2024 07:15

It's an awful stage having 2 at those ages. My advice for Christmas is that less is more, keep it low key, plenty of exercise and time outside where possible.

Pottedpalm · 02/12/2024 07:19

If you are expecting things to be magical you are setting yourself up for failure.

relentless24 · 02/12/2024 07:28

I’m not expecting things to be magical but ‘not shit’ might be a good starting point!

We do get out and about a fair bit but we have to come home sometimes. With DS I almost had an aversion, a fear of being at home with him! It’s not so bad with DD.

I really wish I could just take time off from work. Children in nursery, recover. But I have to keep going.

OP posts:
EVHead · 02/12/2024 07:31

No mention of their dad in all of this?

Lougle · 02/12/2024 07:32

I had 3 under 3½ and it turns out all have SN. I literally don't remember large chunks of that time. I feel great guilt that I didn't enjoy the time, and when I see photos of that time I think 'Oh I did take them to the park...' or 'Oh, I did do craft/painting with them' because I literally don't remember it. It was all consuming and exhausting.

It's not you!

Gummybear23 · 02/12/2024 07:33

relentless24 · 02/12/2024 07:28

I’m not expecting things to be magical but ‘not shit’ might be a good starting point!

We do get out and about a fair bit but we have to come home sometimes. With DS I almost had an aversion, a fear of being at home with him! It’s not so bad with DD.

I really wish I could just take time off from work. Children in nursery, recover. But I have to keep going.

Do you have any support from Partner, parents, family?

BookGoblin · 02/12/2024 07:37

Sounds very very rough.

So you have a parter? Where is he in all
This?

Can you do 4 days of nursery so you get a day to yourself?

Suggest partner drops to 4 days and you increase to 4 days to give more balance back to you if possible

BookGoblin · 02/12/2024 07:38

Also Christmas is not magical, it's a fusion of orgainised religion, consumerism and nonsense. Don't worry about it

Thetalesofbeedlethebard · 02/12/2024 07:38

Just on here to say don't be too hard on yourself OP. I only have one child (19 months) and he is a brilliant boy who I love dearly but I had a good cry this morning because sometimes I am just so damn tired! So you doing this with two is a whole other ball game. It is OK to go through phases where everything just feels overwhelming. Are you on your own or do you have a partner? DH and I tag team everything.

flowersintheatticus · 02/12/2024 07:40

Much easier said than done, but keep reminding yourself that this season will pass and the next will probably be worse. Lower your standards for now in terms of the house/appearance and try to enjoy them. Try to be firm about the lack of 2 second patience behaviour though, I'm a teacher and it is utterly awful to have children who come in and behave this like because it hasn't been addressed, it causes so much disruption in the classroom and makes the environment so unpleasant for those who are well behaved.

Lincoln24 · 02/12/2024 07:43

Where's your partner in all this? Can they give you at break at the weekends? Cover some nights so you can rest? Take over at teatime?

If you have a partner you shouldn't feel so worn down like this.

babasaclover · 02/12/2024 07:43

It is hard and unenjoyable if it's like that.

Would it be better to go back to work full time? I know a mother of 4 rambunctious buys and she openly admits she wouldn't survive if she had to be home with them all day 😂

Notquitegrownup2 · 02/12/2024 07:51

You are not alone. This is a phase to just get through.
I assume that your DH is working in the days, and that your DD wants only you at night with her earache, so you are carrying the main load?

Talk to DH. Whilst this is going on, you get to go to bed at eg 7.30pm, when the kids sleep, at least 2 days/week. Eat tea with the kids, get a shower as soon as he arrives home if you like to shower at night and let him know that on eg Tuesdays and Fridays that you are only to be disturbed before 1am if the house is on fire. You will feel a different person with 4 hours sleep in the bank.

Keep going!

Littlejacksmummy · 02/12/2024 07:54

I remember 3 and 1, it was only a couple of years ago. My son sounds exactly like mine was. Absolutely exhausting. Felt like a constant battleground. I found when he turned 4, a switch flipped and his behaviour really improved.

Mine is away to turn 5 this week, his sister is 3. Still whining and all but so much more fun.

Hang in there. When they say it gets easier they weren't lying. It will come sooner than you think.

relentless24 · 02/12/2024 08:05

I’m having a lot of marital problems at the moment and that’s probably at least partly because of the pressure of having small children. But it does mean I’m very alone in this.

OP posts:
GridlockonMain · 02/12/2024 08:10

That sounds so, so hard. Honestly I think anyone would be finding that a tough slog.

I’m so sorry I don’t have advice, only a lot of sympathy! One day it will be better, but in the meantime please don’t feel guilty about not ‘appreciating every second’. You can love and adore your children and it still doesn’t mean every moment is going to be one to cherish and look back on fondly.

drspouse · 02/12/2024 08:10

I remember at this season at that age basically shoving them in the buggy every afternoon when it got dark and going on walks to see the Christmas lights and get out of the bloody house.

Your 17 month old might take to a back carrier?