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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be finding life with two under 4s unbearable?

69 replies

relentless24 · 02/12/2024 05:53

It feels awful, should be a magical time of the year and it just isn’t. Please bear in mind I’ve had next to no sleep for days now, so it’s probably coming over as more negative than I actually really mean.

One of our children is 3, turns 4 at the start of next year so not at school yet. In many ways he’s not too bad; he sleeps well, but so much of his behaviour is just exhausting and frustrating. Throwing toys, jumping on sofas onto people - which is fucking dangerous - he used to eat well but has become obsessed with chocolate and ice cream recently and whines for them constantly. He has no patience whatsoever - I obviously don’t expect much patience but so yesterday someone gave him a party bag leaving a party, I was putting his sister in the car seat and said I’d open it for him when he was in the car but he couldn’t wait even seconds so contents all over the ground. And this is illustrative; it’s all the time, he’ll ask for milk and I say yes sure just let me finish my wee and by the time I have done so milk is all over the floor. I feel like I am constantly, constantly on at him - get down, leave that alone, put it down, leave it, I said leave it. And yes I have read how to talk 😂

Then my younger one is nearly 17 months now and it’s not her fault, she has repeated ear infections which we’re trying to sort but her sleep is terrible as a result and she’s so clingy and grumpy during the day. She gets so upset when she’s in her pushchair for longer than ten minutes or so that it makes any trip out difficult / impossible - we’ve had to leave two places this weekend because she was fighting the straps, thrashing around and moaning, crying and screaming, at home she’s similar and just wants to be picked up but if I sit down with her she starts crying. What she seems to want is for me to endlessly walk around with her in my arms. I tried one of those hip carriers to give my arms a break but no, only my arms will apparently do and apart from the fact she’s heavy it’s obviously massively impractical. I’m struggling to get anything at all done. On the very, very rare occasions I don’t have children around me I have to desperately try to keep on top of household chores and it isn’t one of those lower my standards sort of scenarios.

I think I’m getting very depressed, and it’s hard to know whether it’s exhaustion, a natural reaction or what - I am not sure.

I work three days a week and that’s hugely adding to my stress as like a lot of part time workers I get treated like I’m full time and I am not sure there’s a way around this unfortunately, it’s just sort of how it is.

The worst thing is all the guilt inducing stuff about how they are only small once and I know this but at the moment I can’t wait for them both to grow up.

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 02/12/2024 08:14

Ah, op, you poor thing, you're totally normal.

They're a totally different kettle of fish at 5/6.

Especially after 6.

It might seem a long time but it will fly in.

You'll get there.

Could you change anything about your working circumstances in the meantime?

Original poster
relentless24 · 02/12/2024 08:15

I remember going that at twelve months with DS but she’s just too resistant to anything where she’s contained, I have to put her in the high chair and run to get her to eat anything as mad as that sounds as otherwise she’s just frantically trying to get out of it to get to me. I look at toddlers sat placidly in high chairs in cafes and restaurants with awe.

It is a temporary phase and I know by next Christmas the pushchair will be largely redundant but at the moment it does really restrict what we can all do.

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 02/12/2024 08:18

BarbaraHoward · 02/12/2024 06:31

3 and 1 nearly killed me.

4 and 2 was a bit easier, 5 and 3 not too bad at all and now they're 6 and 4 it's a delight with a large side of whining.

Go easy on yourself, it's very hard to deal with a threenager when you're exhausted. Flowers

This basically. Sorry OP. Hang on in there.

MyLoftySwan · 02/12/2024 08:18

I've got a 5&3 year old so did the 3&1 stage that you are now in. It's incredibly hard being pulled in every direction and feeling like nobody is listening to you. Honestly outsourcing as much as possible has helped. Do you have the option of putting the eldest into childcare on your days off? Like you I work three days a week, however my three year old is in a pre school 5 days a week during school hours term time so I don't have to pay anything for his 30 hours. The two days I'm not working I can get all the housework done. Gives me the weekend then to actually have quality time and I don't feel the resentment then. Appreciate you have a younger one around also but without one at home it might be a little easier on the mental load.

Hercisback1 · 02/12/2024 08:19

Also drop them both at nursery, phone in sick, and come home and rest.

Zapx · 02/12/2024 08:21

Can you get a fridge magnet lock? When I just couldn’t handle their behaviour any more I turned to gadgets to 4yo-proof my house and it did make things a lot easier… Stay strong!

Original poster
relentless24 · 02/12/2024 08:22

DS (my older one) already does four days in preschool although I work three, it’s my one chance to get anything done although it’s not much! I can’t really afford much else other than that. I’m hoping things will improve when he starts school.

It is so exhausting. DD had me up at 445 and she was awake in the night too. She went back to sleep; I didn’t!

OP posts:
statusquochangeneeded · 02/12/2024 08:22

BarbaraHoward · 02/12/2024 06:31

3 and 1 nearly killed me.

4 and 2 was a bit easier, 5 and 3 not too bad at all and now they're 6 and 4 it's a delight with a large side of whining.

Go easy on yourself, it's very hard to deal with a threenager when you're exhausted. Flowers

This is the kind of message I needed when I was in the trenches. I'm right on the cusp of 6 and 4 now and can attest OP it does get easier.

Give yourself any breaks you can. This is the tough bit, it's hard.

One phrase which saved me was 'my next ask will be a shout'. It told the kids I was at the end of my tether and they needed to do whatever it was I was asking them or I was going to get cross. They didn't want me cross, I didn't want me cross. It worked for us. Haven't had to say it in forever, but there was a time where I felt like it multiple times a day!!

Original poster
relentless24 · 02/12/2024 08:23

my next ask will be a shout

I like this!

OP posts:
ASimpleLampoon · 02/12/2024 08:27

You don't mention a partner. Is there one and if so what are they doing to help you?

Original poster
relentless24 · 02/12/2024 08:29

I have; we’re teetering on the brink of divorce while his life is largely unaltered and mine is unbearable. There’s a huge exaggeration but there is some truth in it.

OP posts:
RickiRaccoon · 02/12/2024 08:30

Mine are almost 4 and 2y. That bit where the younger one was 12-18m was hard. In my experience it gets better bit by bit when the younger one hits 18m and better again at 2y. And I'm counting down to when she hits 3y!

I still get frustrated at times now but it's definitely not as bad as it was. I can trust the little one to listen to instructions for the most part and don't have to physically help her so much as I did.

VivaVivaa · 02/12/2024 08:32

My age gap is a little bigger. But just checking in to say days solo-ing with a 4 year old and a 1.5 year old are so so hard. It was easier when the younger was a baby, which I never thought I’d say! I’m clinging on to youngest being 3, maybe 4 ie in preschool 😂

Original poster
relentless24 · 02/12/2024 08:34

I can’t wait for them both to be in school. I can continue with three days a week but with one day off and the others half days so finish at lunch and get an hour to myself before pick up. Bliss.

People say to me ‘it goes so fast’ and I think no, it really doesn’t. Maybe to other people it does. But I feel like several empires have been lost and won since DS was born.

OP posts:
IvyIvyIvy · 02/12/2024 08:35

Can you request some unpaid parental leave so you have a week or two to chill and catch-up while kids are out of the house? You have a statutory right to it.

Original poster
relentless24 · 02/12/2024 08:37

Problem is work aren’t obliged to give it and even if they were it would mean my work would mount up at well, work. And I really can’t afford it anyway. If I was going to have time off I’d get signed off properly; I’m pretty sure no doctor in the land would disagree but it’s dodging the problem.

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 02/12/2024 08:38

The days are long but the years are short. It goes fast when looking back, at the time every minute can be awful!

Your DH issues aren't helping here either and that will be making everything worse. It's the trenches with 2 of you on board and fully parenting. You're doing all the parenting, so your load is higher.

It sounds like you'd have an easier life when divorced, even if he didn't have the kids ever, you'd not have the resentment of expecting him to like you do now.

Flowers
BarbaraHoward · 02/12/2024 08:40

relentless24 · 02/12/2024 08:29

I have; we’re teetering on the brink of divorce while his life is largely unaltered and mine is unbearable. There’s a huge exaggeration but there is some truth in it.

You're under a huge amount of pressure. Like I said I found it tough enough and we were in it together (although even with that we were very short with each other in those years, it's tough). It will be a million times worse if you're not getting support and contemplating divorce.

Hercisback1 · 02/12/2024 08:40

but it’s dodging the problem.

Is the problem your shit husband?

Buy yourself some headspace by getting signed off. It won't fix anything long term, but will give you space to make rational decisions and actions.

JustMarriedBecca · 02/12/2024 08:44

Two years apart here. 3 is a crappy age and it broke me. Youngest being 3 and eldest first term in reception and I was signed off for two weeks. It gave me the headspace I needed and I've not looked back since.

Kids are now 8 and 10 and life is joyous. It does and will get better.

We both work full time, professional service jobs too. The trick at that age is
(1) Lower your standards. Instagram is absolute rubbish. No one is that blessed all the time.
(2) Outsource where you can. Cleaner and Tesco shop as a bare minimum

It DOES get easier

ChillysWaterBottle · 02/12/2024 08:48

Solidarity OP, you're not being unreasonable, it really is extremely tough x

Mischance · 02/12/2024 08:53

I think that if your marriage is on the rocks there will be tension in the house - not your fault of course - and the children will be picking up on this I'm afraid. I only coped with that stage because my OH was 100% on board with sharing the load, so I can understand how hard all this must be - not only are you not getting the proper help from your OH but you have the tension of a crumbling marriage to contend with too. No wonder you are feeling a bit desperate.

I am sorry you are in this situation. Any family around?

Silvan · 02/12/2024 08:54

But honestly OP this stage is 90% shit, especially in the winter and when you don’t have any support. I think you need to lower your expectations, both of your children and of life, and really focus on looking after yourself. In a couple of years things will feel radically better.

Three year olds basically have no impulse control (ie they often can’t wait even 30 seconds) and toddlers are permanently ill and don’t sleep. You need a day at home to yourself/a supportive mum/sister/husband/nanny. In the absence of this you just have to take small moments for yourself and remember you are doing your best, that’s all your kids need. Remember you only have to be good enough!

pontipinemum · 02/12/2024 09:04

Arewethebadguys · 02/12/2024 06:40

I felt exactly the same OP! The 'enjoy every second' crew whose kids were much older made me feel so guilty. Just survive for now. You're doing great, it's just fucking hard. Give yourself a break when you can and let your partner take over if/when they can do you can rest xx

Some of those posts make me feel so awful! I have a 4 month old and a 2 (+4month) year old. I sometimes put them both in the car and drive around so that they fall asleep. I then park up and listen to my audio book. It's a wonderful break.

But then I see 'make the most of them now, when you're 80 you'll say it was the best time of your life' and feel bad.

MagnoliaGirlie · 02/12/2024 09:04

relentless24 · 02/12/2024 05:53

It feels awful, should be a magical time of the year and it just isn’t. Please bear in mind I’ve had next to no sleep for days now, so it’s probably coming over as more negative than I actually really mean.

One of our children is 3, turns 4 at the start of next year so not at school yet. In many ways he’s not too bad; he sleeps well, but so much of his behaviour is just exhausting and frustrating. Throwing toys, jumping on sofas onto people - which is fucking dangerous - he used to eat well but has become obsessed with chocolate and ice cream recently and whines for them constantly. He has no patience whatsoever - I obviously don’t expect much patience but so yesterday someone gave him a party bag leaving a party, I was putting his sister in the car seat and said I’d open it for him when he was in the car but he couldn’t wait even seconds so contents all over the ground. And this is illustrative; it’s all the time, he’ll ask for milk and I say yes sure just let me finish my wee and by the time I have done so milk is all over the floor. I feel like I am constantly, constantly on at him - get down, leave that alone, put it down, leave it, I said leave it. And yes I have read how to talk 😂

Then my younger one is nearly 17 months now and it’s not her fault, she has repeated ear infections which we’re trying to sort but her sleep is terrible as a result and she’s so clingy and grumpy during the day. She gets so upset when she’s in her pushchair for longer than ten minutes or so that it makes any trip out difficult / impossible - we’ve had to leave two places this weekend because she was fighting the straps, thrashing around and moaning, crying and screaming, at home she’s similar and just wants to be picked up but if I sit down with her she starts crying. What she seems to want is for me to endlessly walk around with her in my arms. I tried one of those hip carriers to give my arms a break but no, only my arms will apparently do and apart from the fact she’s heavy it’s obviously massively impractical. I’m struggling to get anything at all done. On the very, very rare occasions I don’t have children around me I have to desperately try to keep on top of household chores and it isn’t one of those lower my standards sort of scenarios.

I think I’m getting very depressed, and it’s hard to know whether it’s exhaustion, a natural reaction or what - I am not sure.

I work three days a week and that’s hugely adding to my stress as like a lot of part time workers I get treated like I’m full time and I am not sure there’s a way around this unfortunately, it’s just sort of how it is.

The worst thing is all the guilt inducing stuff about how they are only small once and I know this but at the moment I can’t wait for them both to grow up.

Oh dear, I feel you! I could have written this myself! I have a 4yo and a 6mo (so a bit easier than a 17mo, I will admit) and I'm not even back at work yet (I do not know how I'm gonna survive when I do, and I have to go back full time as I can't afford a salary cut). It is relentless and grinding! My 4yo requires constant attention and management while she didn't before my 2nd was born! She has always been quite resourceful, knowing how to dress by herself quite young, use the toilet, help herself with fruit and drink, do some crafts and colouring and play, etc. but since my 2nd was born, she constantly whines and clings and acts baby-ish and requires my attention and help all the time, even for things I know she can do without me. And I know it's because she needs reassurance and connection, so I try and focus on that, and validate her feelings and give her my attention when I can (and yes, I do spend quality 1 to 1 time with her every day), but it's never enough it seems. I also have to tell her constantly these things, every day, several times a day: no, you can't sit on your brother! Don't squeeze his head, please! Stop hugging his neck! Don't pull his arms! Stop poking him in the eye! Did you just bite his toe?!?! And more and more. And yes I also re-direct and say, let's play with this instead, use gentle hands, let's give him a gentle kiss instead of a hug, etc. But I still need to do this every minute of the day, it's soooooooooooooooo fucking relentless!

Sorry, I don't have any tips or answers, I'm just joining in the rant (not very helpful of me, is it 🫠).