To be finding life with two under 4s unbearable?

[relentless24]

It feels awful, should be a magical time of the year and it just isn’t. Please bear in mind I’ve had next to no sleep for days now, so it’s probably coming over as more negative than I actually really mean.

One of our children is 3, turns 4 at the start of next year so not at school yet. In many ways he’s not too bad; he sleeps well, but so much of his behaviour is just exhausting and frustrating. Throwing toys, jumping on sofas onto people - which is fucking dangerous - he used to eat well but has become obsessed with chocolate and ice cream recently and whines for them constantly. He has no patience whatsoever - I obviously don’t expect much patience but so yesterday someone gave him a party bag leaving a party, I was putting his sister in the car seat and said I’d open it for him when he was in the car but he couldn’t wait even seconds so contents all over the ground. And this is illustrative; it’s all the time, he’ll ask for milk and I say yes sure just let me finish my wee and by the time I have done so milk is all over the floor. I feel like I am constantly, constantly on at him - get down, leave that alone, put it down, leave it, I said leave it. And yes I have read how to talk 😂

Then my younger one is nearly 17 months now and it’s not her fault, she has repeated ear infections which we’re trying to sort but her sleep is terrible as a result and she’s so clingy and grumpy during the day. She gets so upset when she’s in her pushchair for longer than ten minutes or so that it makes any trip out difficult / impossible - we’ve had to leave two places this weekend because she was fighting the straps, thrashing around and moaning, crying and screaming, at home she’s similar and just wants to be picked up but if I sit down with her she starts crying. What she seems to want is for me to endlessly walk around with her in my arms. I tried one of those hip carriers to give my arms a break but no, only my arms will apparently do and apart from the fact she’s heavy it’s obviously massively impractical. I’m struggling to get anything at all done. On the very, very rare occasions I don’t have children around me I have to desperately try to keep on top of household chores and it isn’t one of those lower my standards sort of scenarios.

I think I’m getting very depressed, and it’s hard to know whether it’s exhaustion, a natural reaction or what - I am not sure.

I work three days a week and that’s hugely adding to my stress as like a lot of part time workers I get treated like I’m full time and I am not sure there’s a way around this unfortunately, it’s just sort of how it is.

The worst thing is all the guilt inducing stuff about how they are only small once and I know this but at the moment I can’t wait for them both to grow up.

Sodding ear infections. I know it's small but start there with a doctor who takes it seriously and a plan for pain relief and infection control and when to start antibiotics each time (if you need to). If she has chronic pain don't be afraid of the junior ibuprofen. One of mine had persistent ear infections at 2 and they are miserable both because theyake your baby poorly and clingy and they kick in just as she is learning to talk so she's probably feeling really frustrated that she wants to be able to hear you clearly and tell you things and she can't. You can't stop them but if there is one thing that stands out from your post that you may be able to if not change its that.

Three is gonna three. Only cure for that is time.

If you have sensibly reduced your expectations of housework then do the same at work and document what you can do in three days. If you turn up and do three days work and deadlines get missed tell your manager it's on them for under resourcing not you for under delivery. They can try and manage you out but it won't be easy to shift as a mother of two if you have documented what you are doing. There will be time to pick up the pace when you aren't caring for sick one yr olds and stopping halfwits pouring milk on the floor.

And remember at Christmas under 5s like unwrapping plastic crap, eating chocolate and cuddles. Don't go making fucking Christmas cookies or basting an organic turkey because they will not care. Also they cannot make memories as their neural pathways are not sufficiently well developed. So just make sure your memory is giving them some cuddles.

1 and 3 was the worst for me. I found them just about ok individually but the combination was mostly awful. Yours both sound quite hard work for different reasons (not necessarily abnormal just harder to parent than average). My oldest is very hard work and always has been but youngest very placid which helped a lot.

I find 2 and 4 a bit easier. Not easy but they can play for a bit without me watching them and the 4 year old can do a bit more for himself.

I do a lot of play dates / days out with other families where I’m friends with the mum. Much easier to deal with them with some adult company/ solidarity.

I’m sat here with 3 and 1 year olds, brutal isn’t it!

I feel bad but I can’t wait for the next few years to be over.

Right. You exhausted me before you even said you work.
Stop being Wonder Woman. Go out for a walk in the evening or at the weekend and make dad step up. Close the front door on the noise as you pass the threshold. They’ll just have to cope won’t they? He’ll have to be Wonder Man, wrangle with them, deal with meal time, bath time, bed time. Give yourself a break and give him a sense of what you’re doing. Save your sanity and possibly your marriage.

Do it.

And don’t regret it.

Keep doing it till your life is better. Put yourself 1st. Currently you’re 4th and drowning.

I’ve been there. Trust me.

Oh I do this with my 4yo, it works most of the time 😅 I say, with gritted teeth and a forced smile: "DD, I've already asked you this 3 times veeeeeery calmly. The next time I ask, I'll shout!"
Is that good parenting? God knows 🤪

I had 3 under 3 and worked three days a week at a job that was relentless. I ended.up very unhappy and ultimately depressed. I think the fact it was during the pandemic didn't help. Mine are older now and whilst still hard work they are much, much easier and I am much happier.
Sometimes I feel very guilty about it, and I look back at pictures of them at the time and could honestly cry. But if someone offered me a time machine to go back and do it again, but this time try to enjoy it, I would tell them to bugger off! Ultimately I did my best and survived it which is honestly all I was and am capable of!

I don't even have 2 under 4 and I feel the same after this weekend. I have a DS7 and DD3.

I planned nice Christmas activities - one day seeing friend and santa. Other day just us for stories with Santa and going to collect the Christmas tree. (we get a real one). It was just a series of moaning and arguing from my children. I came home and thought why bother. I like you don't expect magical but I expected 'not shit'.

But I know its mainly because I am sleep deprived (my 3 year old is going through a bad patch) so didn't have much patience for the normal sibling arguing or general constant questions my life seems to be.
Both kids are going through a clingy patch cause I dared to go out on Friday night wreath making with my aunt! So had to touch me constantly. I get touched out very quickly.
And add in a hungover DH on Sunday and no DH on Saturday.

Just remember, most people go through the same. I found people only portray the positive not the negative esp when it comes to social media (I am guilty of it too). Try not to pressure yourself with guilty, it will make things worse. Just take a breathe and try again tomorrow.

Just because you're having marital problems doesn't mean he doesn't have to parent. They're his children too. You need a break, he should be taking them off your hands and giving you some space. He works full time? So what! Work is easier than looking after two kids under two. When he's back from work, or at weekends, he takes them at least 50% of the time, and you get a breather. This sounds like survival and you need to be working together and helping each other. If he goes cycling / plays golf / goes to the pub etc etc at the weekend, you get at least the equivalent time to yourself, undisturbed.

Threenagers are brutal. 💐

You need to divide and rule at the weekend. DH pulls his finger out and takes 3 to the park and you stay at home with the youngest.

If that's not an option then do you have any supportive family nearby you could go to for a day at the weekend or who would come over?

Don't bother with "nice" Christmas activities. Lots of time for that when they are older!

Oh OP, this was me a year ago. It's really shit, I'm so sorry you're struggling with it too. Mine are 2.5 and just turned 4 now and though I still don't like parenting at this age, I do feel it's now more bearable. Even if it's only slightly it's enough to make a big difference. Do whatever you can to get through! Phone family/friends for help every time you can and don't feel guilty. You'll never need it more than you do right now. Use nap times to give your 3yr old some screen time (and ignore the ogres here who say you shouldn't) and just rest. Nap time is still my favourite time of day. Wrap them up and sit in the garden with them until you can't take it any more. It's just horrible and so so hard, but you will survive. And your kids won't remember the times you told them off at this age, or just put a film on because you're too tired to do anything else. Sending so much strength to you OP, you've got this!

All my sympathies, we're just coming out the other side now with 5 year old DD (started reception this year), and 2yr9mo DS. It's unbelievably shit.

DD wasn't too bad of a threenager, but DS has embraced toddlerdom wholesale. Endless bickering, whining, tantrumming, arguing, fighting and whingeing. Definitely a time I will not miss. Super glad DD is now in school, and truth be told if I could send DS next year, I probably would. DH was mostly a chocolate teapot who couldn't understand how/why I was constantly exhausted when I only "worked" two days a week. House was (still mostly is tbf) a shit hole, but is much better than it was. I'm much less tired at least.

I hate to say it, but time is probably the only thing that will help. But I can see some light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm sure you will too eventually.

Obv I don't know you OP, but to me you sound like you are heading towards a crisis point. If you are, it is always better to head it off early. Whatever you/the people around you would be forced to do if you did get very unwell/burnout, bring that forward and do it now. You will recover quicker and the overall 'cost' will be less.

Take the sick leave, call on the family & friends to help that you think you can only do in a crisis

Oh it's hard, it's really hard, but is is a phase and it will pass.

Mine are 11 & 13 now and truly an absolute joy, but at 1 and 3 they were pretty much unbearable! Really do try to carve out as much time for yourself as you possibly can. It will get better, I found that once you get at least one in school, things improve enormously.

I thought legally they had to give it, even if unpaid.

3 and 1 was almost the death of me. It was during lockdown too and I thought I was losing my mind at points!

5 and 3 was much better.

Now they are 7 and 5, both in school and it is has been a delight for at least the last year or two. I'm similar OP and work three days a week. I have two days a week now to myself and can get the shopping done in peace, go to the gym. I'm having a cup of tea right now and about to go on a long walk then I'll pick them up.

It feels like fucking forever when you're in the thick of it but you do look back and wonder where the hell the time went. Hang on in there, it's worth it!

And I would say now is the magical age. Everyone says you'll miss them being small/time is precious etc etc but really I was in survival mode for some of that time and now life is much better for all of us. Right now are the really happy years when they're little but more independent than they were and have at least a bit of sense.

Just do what you need to do to get through each day.

Hate doing it but have you tried giving the little one a phone to watch a programme so you don't have to leave places and can go out more?

This.

Cannot stress the importance of this enough. It’s much easier to continue if you ease the pressure and avoid breaking.

CBeebies was a friend. Downtime is so important and while stories are lovely and vital, you can’t read a story and also make dinner or whatever.

I also found a sling really useful when mine wanted to walk, hated the pushchair, but was too little to walk all the way. I had a wrap so it was a quick up on my back and make it fun, be a pony or whatever; then when she got down again the wrap could go in my bag or around my neck like a scarf.

Please try to get a break this weekend, arrange for your H to spend the day with the kids and you take yourself away and do whatever- go for a swim, go for a walk, just drive somewhere, have a nap in the car, whatever fits your budget but also makes you unavailable to pick up if he struggles with having them.

I’ve been feeling this way; I don’t know how I make it through each day! I love both but can’t enjoy baby or toddler because I’m fire fighting all day.

I can’t sit with eldest and do anything anymore because baby wants to be on the move; me holding him etc. doesn’t want me to sit down and eldest is so sad, lonely and plays quietly by himself all day. I think one in school and one at home is much easier.

I feel bad I can’t enjoy this time as I did when I had just one; I have become a different harsher mother to eldest and half-present with baby.

it’s good to know it gets a little better

this thread is 15 months old @offsidecrown1224

It may be better for you to start your own, new, thread if you're looking for advice🌻