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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He got someone else pregnant

107 replies

Sange295 · 01/12/2024 21:29

Been with someone on and off for a couple
Of years. Loads of reasons why we never made it official however, last 6 months we've
been great and we're finally fully committed.

In the times we've been 'off' I've been on dates etc. I've always been up front about any time I had so he was fully in the picture. He's accused me of doing other things but I've always been open and honest and it's always when we've not been together.

Anyway, last week he dropped the bombshell that last 'September' he got someone pregnant. He says it was when we weren't together.

I can't seem to get past it until I have proof of dates that we weren't together. He's saying I should leave it and move forward. I think the biggest thing annoying me is I've been accused and if he's been doing it well.... also, we were def sleeping with each other and he was giving me all the spiel of how much he loved me and I'm his world and bla bla. It was me who wouldn't commit due to a million red flags.

Anyway, I've said tonight I want proof. He's got defensive and said he has no proof. I'm now turning into some kind of psycho searching PA for any posts anyone might put.

AIBU for standing my ground on this one or just leave it and move on?

OP posts:
2110l · 01/12/2024 22:42

Get rid of him. There's just no more to it.

MyrtleStrumpet · 01/12/2024 22:44

You are worth more than this man who has messed you around for two years and is not happy that you need to process what he did.

LTB.

Original poster
Sange295 · 01/12/2024 22:44

Thanks everyone. To answer a couple Qs...

He was drinking heavily and he turned in to paranoid 🌵 so we'd argue loads. He doesn't drink anymore and is a different person when sober so things have been good. I kept going back cus he'd beg me and I'd believe he'd change. He never did until recently. I love him and tried to move on but always got drawn back in. Looking back fucks knows why I bothers tbh.

No idea why he told me now. I presume to get everything out in the open but I'd have preferred to have known back then.

Just to reiterate there is no step child. She had an abortion.

He said he thinks it was September but can't be sure and said he hasn't spoken to her since and doesn't want to have to bring it back up to her.

Also, recently tested and all clear. Thank god.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/12/2024 22:48

Nah, he's not that into you.

Pinkpurpletulips · 01/12/2024 22:48

About the only decent thing about him seems to have been that he went with her to have the abortion. If I were her, I wouldn't want him telling other people my business but I suppose if he didn't name her it's not a privacy matter. The only thing I can think of is that he has been having unprotected sex with other people. I'd be getting myself checked out asap and then I'd check out of this relationship. The whole thing sounds like a hot mess.

Eyresandgraces · 01/12/2024 22:49

Of course he can remember.
It’s not just an ordinary day is it going to the abortion clinic.
He doesn’t want you to know when he was having sex with other people.

Mugler · 01/12/2024 22:50

Sange295 · 01/12/2024 21:38

Sorry !!! Totally wasn't clear in my OP.

We're still together ... the girl had an abortion and he went to the hospital with her to have it.

When he says move on, he means me forget it happened and move on with our relationship

That would be game over for me, as soon as he said that he’d be gone. There is no moving on from this in my book, find your self respect and your worth, he’s cheated on you.

Animatic · 01/12/2024 22:51

YABU in a sense of still sticking around with this man. You will drive yourself crazy in the future as you will be always suspecting infidelity and looking for a proof.

Parker231 · 01/12/2024 22:51

Sange295 · 01/12/2024 21:38

Sorry !!! Totally wasn't clear in my OP.

We're still together ... the girl had an abortion and he went to the hospital with her to have it.

When he says move on, he means me forget it happened and move on with our relationship

Why are you still with him - what does he bring to your life?

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2024 22:53

Sange295 · 01/12/2024 22:44

Thanks everyone. To answer a couple Qs...

He was drinking heavily and he turned in to paranoid 🌵 so we'd argue loads. He doesn't drink anymore and is a different person when sober so things have been good. I kept going back cus he'd beg me and I'd believe he'd change. He never did until recently. I love him and tried to move on but always got drawn back in. Looking back fucks knows why I bothers tbh.

No idea why he told me now. I presume to get everything out in the open but I'd have preferred to have known back then.

Just to reiterate there is no step child. She had an abortion.

He said he thinks it was September but can't be sure and said he hasn't spoken to her since and doesn't want to have to bring it back up to her.

Also, recently tested and all clear. Thank god.

He aint that great then is he?

Him drinking just brought out the real him that he manages to hide when he is sober. In Vino Veritas. The real him is the pissed him, he has no filters then so the drunk him that you dont like is the real him. Take it from one who knows.

You only love him when his mask is on, when he hides his horrible selfish vile real self. You love the fantasy. Remember the reality and get rid.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/12/2024 22:54

Sange295 · 01/12/2024 22:44

Thanks everyone. To answer a couple Qs...

He was drinking heavily and he turned in to paranoid 🌵 so we'd argue loads. He doesn't drink anymore and is a different person when sober so things have been good. I kept going back cus he'd beg me and I'd believe he'd change. He never did until recently. I love him and tried to move on but always got drawn back in. Looking back fucks knows why I bothers tbh.

No idea why he told me now. I presume to get everything out in the open but I'd have preferred to have known back then.

Just to reiterate there is no step child. She had an abortion.

He said he thinks it was September but can't be sure and said he hasn't spoken to her since and doesn't want to have to bring it back up to her.

Also, recently tested and all clear. Thank god.

You've been on and off for years. It's only in the "last 6 months we've been great" - presumably because he's sobered up. How sure are you that he won't start drinking again? Really?

"he'd beg me and I'd believe he'd change"
People don't really change. Maybe small superficial changes, but deep down they are who they are. And this man is not a keeper. You know it.

It's time to be 'off', not 'on'. And to stay 'off' for good.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2024 22:55

Eyresandgraces · 01/12/2024 22:49

Of course he can remember.
It’s not just an ordinary day is it going to the abortion clinic.
He doesn’t want you to know when he was having sex with other people.

Wouldnt surprise me if he couldnt remember, it meant nothing to him so why would he remember when it was? It didnt affect him apart from a couple of car journeys, so why would he give it brain space?

Scumbag. (Him, not you obvs)

livingafulllife · 01/12/2024 23:05

Why would you waste anymore time with him.

Drivingoverlemons · 01/12/2024 23:08

Plastictrees · 01/12/2024 21:31

Honestly just move on. This man is a spectacular waste of your time. Thank god you don’t have children with him and can have a clean break.

This.

andfinallyhereweare · 01/12/2024 23:12

I’d say move on one way or another other as this is only hurting you. You can move on with him and forget it, or leave him for good. What your looking for is peace from the situation, only you know what that looks like.

amoreoamicizia · 01/12/2024 23:14

It was me who wouldn't commit due to a million red flags.

What were they?

MyrtleStrumpet · 01/12/2024 23:15

I kept going back cus he'd beg me and I'd believe he'd change. He never did until recently.

People don't change. He's shown you who he is and you haven't believed him, but you should.

Men beg because they know it's a great manipulative tactic to get women to stay. You are worth more than this. A man shouldn't beg you to come back. He should show you why he's a good man. And he is not a good man. Irresponsible with contraception, former drunk who may not stay sober, wants you to "move on" and stop "nagging" about the pregnancy. He might say something like "I told you about it, isn't that enough?".

He is not worth your energy.

Elf36 · 01/12/2024 23:27

How old are you OP?

Bournetilly · 01/12/2024 23:27

Just move on (without him) it’s not worth it.

Ger1atricMillennial · 01/12/2024 23:37

Be honest with yourself OP do you actually like the drama of the will they/won't they Ross/Rachel Big/Carrie type of narritive? Its exciting isn't it, addictive even? It sort of makes you feel like a main character, gives you something to over-analyse.

You can't "win" anyone, and neither can he. If you want to be together you should be looking at the reasons that at this point its been so difficult. In reality it doesn't matter whether someone got pregnant if you were spilt up.

Elf36 · 01/12/2024 23:48

Is this what you want your story to be?

Is this what you want for yourself?

Will you one day tell your kids how you and Dad got together and remember these times fondly?

I think the answer is no. Let's cut him loose and make a early start on a better healthier 2025! Who knows who you could meet if you stop wasting your time on this situationship. When it's real love it will be incomparable, and I think you will read this one back and cringe (in the best possible sense).

RogueFemale · 01/12/2024 23:54

Sounds like a waste of time to me. Move on and find someone who actually cares about you

WooleyMunky · 01/12/2024 23:56

Sorry OP, but you are a wank sock.
Drop this and move on to something you deserve.

TheLyingBitchintheWardrobe · 01/12/2024 23:57

SnoopySantaPaws · 01/12/2024 21:48

Why has he told you now??

Show quote history

He wants to clear his conscious and see if you let him get away with it. He is literally telling you WHO HE IS

TunipTheVegimal24 · 02/12/2024 00:18

YABU to still be seeing him, and to be giving headspace to dates / proof etc. He's a shagger - bin him off and get an STI check. In 10 years, when you're with someone decent and can't believe you were ever with this one, you don't want to find out you're infertile because he's been having unprotected sex all over the place 🤢