Husband is stupid and aggressive

[Sockmate123]

Probably wording that wrong.

Beginning to think my husband is just completely thick. Just 3 examples from this weekend....

Went to Christmas tree farm....got on this sleigh thing, girl driving it said do not stand up, signs saying do not stand up, husband stood up to take a video...

Got back to place to pay after we got tree, young guy asked would you like us to put a hole in it for the stand...husband ignored him for the first time, then second and third time told him 'yes ill hold it for you' 🙄🙄 he has no hearing difficulties just doesn't listen.

Then my son this evening said Dad got lost taking me to my match yesterday....this was a HOME match that is 3km from our house...there is a big huge well known hotel right beside the pitch. Son has had 15 matches there this season and he still got lost going there yesterday. He said his Google maps didn't work. Then got up in a temple, flung a door open causing a dent in the wall, roaring and shouting at me to take him to matches in the future (which i will be!!!) They were 12 mins late yesterday, our house is about a 6 min drive from it.

My daughter was crying because she wanted him downstairs to watch us turn on the Christmas lights. He doesn't care he upset her, it's all my fault apparently. I am so sick of him.

For background he has a very demanding job which requires a lot of concentration etc no bother delivering there but absolutely useless at home. My daughter has drama the same time my sons matches are on usually but I guess I'll have to ask my Mum to bring her. I might as well be a single parent.

I am a stickler for good punctuality. Husband is not. I consider it bad manners. He just doesn't care or blames my son for delaying them.

Thanks for reading x

Leave him. There is no point to him.

Do you work? Can you afford to leave now?

It’s just weaponised incompetence. He’s a dick.

I have just taken a career break so not really unfortunately. He just blames it all on me, stop nagging me etc

You have just explained it precisely. Weaponised incompetence. I never heard that phrase before.

Agree with this. What value does he add to yours and your children’s lives? Has he always been like this, how was he when you first met him?

Always a bit like this but was very thoughtful, romantic, funny. He takes very little responsibility for the children. He would struggle to even know what activities they do etc. Football was the only thing he was 'helping out' with. He refuses to address his incompetence, he prefers to lash out that it's all my/kids fault. He works away alot. He provides well for us financially.

He sounds like a knob, goodbye to him.

You've said it yourself " I might as well be a single parent" So do think very seriously if his anger and incompetence is what you want to subject DC to.
He can control his outbursts, he just done care enough to.
I realise it's not the best time for you now but you will provide well enough for you and DC by yourself if the time is right

Tell him he's fired.

Any ideas of what I can say to my kids about his behaviour? My daughter is 9 and a sensitive little soul. She is saying to me tonight she doesn't like how Dad is shouting and the atmosphere in the house. I am just telling her that I can only control my behaviour and that I love her very much etc that he is being unreasonable but trying not to badmouth him to the kids either. My youngest just wants me to smooth everything over but I cannot keep doing that. It's giving in to him coinstantly. He never apologises, just gives silent/almost silent treatment and then talks when it suits him.
He is going away Tues with work for 2 nights and I can't wait. I have decided I am not going to have any contact while he is away. Give my head peace. He ignores every call I make to him but likes me to answer his calls immediately because he's so important 🙄🙄

He is emotionally abusive, he’s making you all walk on eggshells. It’s no way to live. You can get proper qualified legal advice here for free:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Listen to your children.
They want to live in peace.
Get advice and start to plan a different future for you and them.

He's creating a threatening and abusive environment at home, aside from the general crapness. Flying into a rage and damaging your home is violence and not on. Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Your children should not be around this. He needs to go.

There's nothing you can say to your children about his behaviour that makes it ok. It's not fair on them.

I know guys, I've posted about him on here before. He can go months being OK but then he behaves like this. Nothing is his fault...its all me. My daughter keeps asking are you going to divorce. She really fears that.
I am not in a position financially to leave him at the moment, I am also recently bereaved. It's difficult enough time already. He's such a dick. What can I say to my children in the meantime??

this is deliberate so that you won’t ask him to take your son again and it’s working - the shouting is to mask this

be calm and walk away humming when he flies into a rage/tantrum - remember to reward good behaviour, refuse to acknowledge bad

good luck OP many of us have gone before with this, weaponised incompetence indeed. Look this up and do your research whilst he is away? perhaps, which will
be a light shining on your marriage.

Thank you for your kind message. I cant wait for him to go. Tuesday morning early he'll leave and won't see til Thursday afternoon. He'll snap out of his mood but not apologise....its the same pattern always 🙄

@Sockmate123 - he is being strategic - whilst he is away, read
Lundy Bancroft, “Why does he do that?” or maybe, in your present
mindset, the strategist’s strategist Sun Tzu ha ha

we cannot tell you what to say to your children who seem watchful

keep us posted !

Actually I'm going against the flow and wondering whether perhaps he has some health or mental health issues that are affecting him at the moment? I havent read any of your previous posts, so I don't know what he is like usually, but not being able to remember how to get somewhere he has been to many times before is not normal. And quite often fear breeds aggression, so if he is worried about his health or under a lot of stress that could be one of the reasons he is being so aggressive at the moment. It doesn't make it right, and it sure as hell doesn't make it easy to live with, but it's something to consider.

I had considered this. He is like this on and off for years though. But it is more frequent episodes. His mother has bipolar so I do think you have a point and that's I suppose what keeps holding me back from leaving him as he can be very kind and funny and is a hardworking man. In other words not a complete dick but this behaviour is not acceptable and he refuses to acknowledge that to me even though I know he knows!

So just an update...he is away with work for 2 nights, he left 7am yesterday...Just text an hour ago asking 'is everything ok at home?'. I said yes then he proceeded to tell me about a small errand I need to do tomorrow.

I text him saying that's fine but he really needs to apologise for his behaviour. He denied it all, said i was 'hen pecking and baiting him' 🙄 and that I am now gaslighting him.

Said I am writing all this down (texting) to gaslight him. He's acting very paranoid. I tried to say to him that I'm actually concerned about getting lost on the journey. I said i think he is worried himself and that's why he erupted.

Denied erupting, Denied getting lost, it was the sat nav fault etc then said he is busy and is 'closing this down' and hadn't responded or read follow up texts.

There is a family fun day at his work on Saturday, he'll want us all there, happy families making him look good. I told him not I'm not going unless this is resolved and a late night apology on Friday wont cut it. I'm not some accessory for him and neither are the children.

Any advice on what to do next?

He won't change. We can't make it bearable or fixable for you.

Would this be enough for you to walk away?

Honesty, yes, especially if he sees no problem with blowing up in the house, roaring at people, putting holes in walls. I wouldn't be putting my children through living in fear.

You AND your children are being abused. Read Dr Bancrofts book mentioned above.

This is the wrong time to have a 'career break'. You need to get back to work and focus on becoming financially independent.

In the meantime, collect all financial documentation, talk to an experienced family solicitor and put together a plan. Useful resources:

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• family solicitors websites