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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is stupid and aggressive

60 replies

Sockmate123 · 01/12/2024 18:45

Probably wording that wrong.

Beginning to think my husband is just completely thick. Just 3 examples from this weekend....

Went to Christmas tree farm....got on this sleigh thing, girl driving it said do not stand up, signs saying do not stand up, husband stood up to take a video...

Got back to place to pay after we got tree, young guy asked would you like us to put a hole in it for the stand...husband ignored him for the first time, then second and third time told him 'yes ill hold it for you' 🙄🙄 he has no hearing difficulties just doesn't listen.

Then my son this evening said Dad got lost taking me to my match yesterday....this was a HOME match that is 3km from our house...there is a big huge well known hotel right beside the pitch. Son has had 15 matches there this season and he still got lost going there yesterday. He said his Google maps didn't work. Then got up in a temple, flung a door open causing a dent in the wall, roaring and shouting at me to take him to matches in the future (which i will be!!!) They were 12 mins late yesterday, our house is about a 6 min drive from it.

My daughter was crying because she wanted him downstairs to watch us turn on the Christmas lights. He doesn't care he upset her, it's all my fault apparently. I am so sick of him.

For background he has a very demanding job which requires a lot of concentration etc no bother delivering there but absolutely useless at home. My daughter has drama the same time my sons matches are on usually but I guess I'll have to ask my Mum to bring her. I might as well be a single parent.

I am a stickler for good punctuality. Husband is not. I consider it bad manners. He just doesn't care or blames my son for delaying them.

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 04/12/2024 17:54

Apart from providing financially, is there any point to him? He doesn't get involved with the kids and any time he has to, he sees it as helping. I can take an educated guess and say you do all the housekeeping?

When he's away, you and the kids are relaxed and get on well in your own routine. When he comes back there's a cloud over the home where you're all tense and on edge?

I know you said you can't leave just now, but can you start to make plans cos I'm sure you would all have much happier, relaxed lives without him.

Unless he listens to you and gets help for his anger / issues, be it therapy or help from his GP or both and shows real change in his behaviour towards you all.

Sending you love and strength ❤️

theworldie · 04/12/2024 18:03

You can't fix these issues if he can't even have an honest conversation with you and admit fault/apologise when he acts like a dick. So it's up to you to decide whether you can spend the rest of your life putting up with his behaviour.

My dh was like this (the strategic incompetence/lack of care and consideration, not the anger - but twisting everything so that I was just "a nag" and he was the poor henpecked husband) Over time I got so sick of it I just lost all feeling for him and became really angry and resentful. It was like I had to numb myself to always being bottom of his list and not feeling like he ever had my back, along with him being emotionally avoidant and never willing to have mature conversations about our issues. My attempts at trying to resolve our issues fell on deaf ears and he'd blameshift, minimise or leave the room. So long story short I ended up having an affair. I didn't go looking but met a man who i thought was wonderful, caring and there for me and I fell in love. I'm not advocating this - it was a huge mistake and wrong, wrong, wrong and I regret it massively. But this guy (who turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing) came along at a point where I was extremely low and vulnerable and I was basically ripe for the picking.

I admitted the affair quite quickly as i felt so guilty and told him I wanted a divorce, the house valuing etc. Not because I felt I was going to run into the arms of this other man, I knew there was no future there, but because it had made me realise how I couldn't go on in my marriage to someone I felt I couldn't even talk to.
i really thought it was the end of our marriage and there was no going back. I never wanted to hurt him but everything just exploded and I couldn't take it any more.

The result ended up being a complete turnaround by my dh once he realised he was going to lose me. He's finally become the caring husband I wanted. One who makes me a cup of tea, goes to the shop for milk and listens when I'm speaking and has conversations like an adult. He answers my texts and calls and pays me compliments. This was a year ago and our marriage is currently really good and improving all the time. There are still issues but just feeling like he is honestly trying to do his best and cares about my happiness has been life changing to our relationship.

Thats my experience for what it's worth anyway. I'd tell him you're considering divorce and see if it galvanises any change in him. Otherwise your resentment will lead to you dying inside imo. When I look back now I honestly think I had a mental breakdown as a result of being so bloody unhappy.

Womblewife · 04/12/2024 18:09

Your children are being affected and your dd will start to think this is what marriage is like. Don’t continue to let them be exposed to this. Personally I would leave. Dh needs therapy and counselling before you could even consider getting back involved later on .

zeibesaffron · 04/12/2024 18:52

Yes this would be enough for me to
walk away - he is minimising his behaviour, taking no responsibility for his actions, blaming everyone else apart from the one person who didn’t listen, who got lost and who slammed his car door into a wall. Your kids are begging you to make it right, to not tread on eggshells! He does need to apologise and he does need to understand you won’t be playing happy families on sat. Equally your kids are telling you what needs to happen - do they really feel safe?

I would put a hold on my career break and go back to work so you can plan your next steps.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 04/12/2024 21:52

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I should add that he's not always like this...can be weeks of generally co-operative/not flying off the handle but then erupts over something minor..says I am provoking him and loving the reaction so then I can make him into a 'monster' in the kids eyes....that's what he actually said!!! As if I would want to expose my children to this!!

He didn't slam the car door, it was the kitchen door going through to the hall. He said he didn't do that (even though a dent in the wall).

For the person that posted about PDA/Autism, it sounds a lot like him and I do suspect something there with him...he can fixate for hours on complex projects for work but can't remember to get milk.

For the person that posted about an affair...I can see myself headed that way...I'm not even bothered about sex but emotional cheating I could definitely see happening...

I have had a rough old time recently, bereaved amongst other things....he just doesn't appear to care.

My children are my world, I know it's such a cliché but they are two amazing kids, DH home tomorrow evening...I don't know how to react if he doesn't apologise...I dont want an atmosphere for the kids but I dont want him to think everything is back fine .....I cant leave anytime in the near future but I think I will start to plan for it....should I just be civil to him and sort of avoid as much aw possible?

OP posts:
Dotto · 04/12/2024 22:00

Yes if I was you I think I would be civil but mentally disengage.

StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 22:01

You don’t like him. He doesn’t treat you well. You’re dismissive of the job that’s paying for your career break - which would wind anyone up.

Go back to work and leave.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 04/12/2024 22:25

StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 22:01

You don’t like him. He doesn’t treat you well. You’re dismissive of the job that’s paying for your career break - which would wind anyone up.

Go back to work and leave.

I'm dismissive of his job do you mean? I'm not dismissive of his job, its the one thing that he's good at, a good worker and provider. Our whole life revolves around his career.

I am on a career break as I took carers leave to care for my youngest child who has additional needs. So it's not as simple as just returning and also I do have an income in the form of carers benefit. I am in Ireland, its a weekly social welfare payment you can claim for up to 2 years.

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 04/12/2024 22:47

StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 22:01

You don’t like him. He doesn’t treat you well. You’re dismissive of the job that’s paying for your career break - which would wind anyone up.

Go back to work and leave.

Where was OP dismissive about her husband's job? I didn't see that.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 04/12/2024 23:28

Fannyfiggs · 04/12/2024 22:47

Where was OP dismissive about her husband's job? I didn't see that.

Show quote history

I don't know where they got that idea. I'm certainly not dismissive of it. And also it was him that wanted me to take time out to take pressure off him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockmate123 · 05/12/2024 12:37

Hes still sending me essays that he doesnt owe me an apology and his position hasn't changed. And yes he talks like he is in a court of law 🙄

OP posts:
Scammersarescum · 05/12/2024 12:54

Sockmate123 · 05/12/2024 12:37

Hes still sending me essays that he doesnt owe me an apology and his position hasn't changed. And yes he talks like he is in a court of law 🙄

You don't owe him a marriage

Electricalb · 05/12/2024 13:08

Start reaching out to local agencies.
Your GP, SS, housing.
You have a child with special needs and have given up work to care for your child but have an abusive husband.
Can they help rehouse you.

These things take time but you can make a start now.

Stay out of his way.
Do not go to the work thing.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Accept support.
You deserve better than this.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 05/12/2024 13:46

Scammersarescum · 05/12/2024 12:54

You don't owe him a marriage

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockmate123 · 05/12/2024 13:48

Electricalb · 05/12/2024 13:08

Start reaching out to local agencies.
Your GP, SS, housing.
You have a child with special needs and have given up work to care for your child but have an abusive husband.
Can they help rehouse you.

These things take time but you can make a start now.

Stay out of his way.
Do not go to the work thing.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Accept support.
You deserve better than this.

Telling family and friends the truth is the really difficult part 😕 also my youngest with additional needs struggles with changes in routine...she keeps asking me are we going to divorce. She's fearful of it 😞 I think he should be the one to love out. Keep stability for the children.

OP posts:
Electricalb · 05/12/2024 23:38

HE should move out.
But start talking to services, gp etc., to see who can help you.
You can do this.

Pussycat22 · 05/12/2024 23:42

Change the bloody locks. I think you know the answer here. Looking forward so much to his departure says it all . Such a vile man is no good for your kids either.x

HoundsOfSmell · 05/12/2024 23:57

Start talking to friends and family.

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 06/12/2024 09:01

Pussycat22 · 05/12/2024 23:42

Change the bloody locks. I think you know the answer here. Looking forward so much to his departure says it all . Such a vile man is no good for your kids either.x

Yes that's the part the resonated with me most. I cant wait til he goes away. He has put Christmas gifts under the tree with my nickname/pet name on them. This is what he does, tries to creep without apologising.

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 06/12/2024 09:53

My daughter is 9 and a sensitive little soul. She is saying to me tonight she doesn't like how Dad is shouting and the atmosphere in the house.

I don't want to stir things but can she say that to her dad?

GoldsolesLugs · 06/12/2024 09:58

Sounds like a prick, and there's plenty of good advice on here. The question I have - and this is really curiosity not victim blaming - is how you managed to get married to him in the first place. Did he hide his lack of anger management before you were married them slowly reveal them so you accepted him?

Newgirls · 06/12/2024 09:59

men can change when they have kids and aren’t the focus any more.

couples therapy might help whether you choose to stay together or not, or for yourself.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 06/12/2024 11:33

He hasn't got the headspace for anything you and DC need and he doesn't see why he should do anything other than his job.
As PP said, weaponised incompetence.
If he doesn't try and do anything properly, sooner or later you will do everything yourself is his rationale by the looks of things.
Very frustrating for you OP.

tamade · 06/12/2024 11:56

Sounds to me like he’s got something on his mind, is something troubling him at work?